How to Overcome Perfectionism and Stop Feeling like a Failure?

1. Introduction: Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Do you constantly check and recheck work before considering it finished? Is it hard for you to ask for what you want? Do you strive to be perfect, never feeling fully satisfied with where things are now? Do you think you are not good enough? Think of yourself as a loser? Perfectionists are highly critical of others and themselves. They strive to achieve their best performance and goals in everything they do. They try to please others, and although it encourages them to excel, it also instills a fear of failure. Perfectionists tend to be competitive, defensive, ambitious, judgmental, and aggressive. Despite being wealthy, healthy, famous and gorgeous, perfectionists are unhappy. They dismiss the good in their lives while concentrating on the bad. They are supposed to be successful and happy, but they mostly are not. Other people consider them successful, but perfectionists see themselves as failures. This course will help you to give up perfectionism and be happy with what you have. Here are some skills you will learn. 2. What is perfectionism? Part 1: Perfectionists tend to depend on the praise of others. Their self esteem is often based on how other people treat them. In the depths of his soul, a perfectionist is always eager to hear how others are impressed by his achievements. Even if he is embarrassed to accept praise or out loud, he downplays his achievements. This thirst for praise can be so strong that a perfectionist can give up her own needs just to deserve it. For example, she can stay awake all night working on a project or skip an appointment with friends because the school committee asked for her help. Perfectionists usually expect negative assessment and fear getting it. This makes it impossible for perfectionists to achieve true happiness and peace. On the outside, they may seem happy. But inside the perfect shell, there is dissatisfaction and anxiety, which makes them play those unpleasant situations in their heads again and again. They constantly think about something they didn't or shouldn't do. Perfectionists are more motivated by fear than the prospect of success, especially the fear of failure and negative assessment from others. They focus on how to avoid mistakes. The result is constant self condemnation, like, what am I doing wrong? And what should I do? Instead of what am I doing well? And what do I want to do? Perfectionism contains a great paradox. Although many perfectionists are distinguished by over achievements, in the end, they are people of insufficient achievements. Some perfectionists avoid complex tasks, thinking, I can't do it perfectly. So why start? This is like procrastination. Some people are stuck on work that is too easy for them because they are afraid of failure at a higher level. Some feel defeated when, for example, they cannot sustain weight loss for a long time. They say, Why do exercises if my weight keeps coming back? 3. What is perfectionism? Part 2. Achievements: Perfectionists feel it would be terrible to make a mistake to fail or fall short in your career studies, hobby, or other personal goal. You feel driven. You may be hyper competitive or a workaholic. Whatever level of success you achieve, it never feels satisfying because nothing is ever quite good enough. When you demand that you must succeed, you are not merely challenging yourself, which can be beneficial, but usually comparing yourself to others and feeling driven to be better than them. And when your main drive is to show yourself to be superior to others, that can lead to denigrating others. So however outstandingly good you may be in a given field, there will invariably be others who are still better. You may then have an unhealthy, conditional acceptance of yourself, as opposed to a healthy, unconditional acceptance of yourself. If you feel that in order to be a good, worthwhile person, you must have outstanding achievements. You may never discover your full range of talents and abilities, what you really want in life, who you really are. Imagine if you were sacked from your job. You'd probably become depressed, be in a state of shock because your sense of self is measured by your achievements, not by who you really are. When it comes to your body image, you think you must have a perfect face or figure to be desirable or appealing. We are surrounded by messages about the need to be physically perfect. You, too, can be the perfect size zero. And these shoulds, fed to us by advertising, the media, and society in general, have an insidiously compulsive effect on us. You are convinced that others will look down on you if you don't meet their high standards. You feel you have to impress them with your accomplishments, talent, ability, or intelligence in order that they like you or respect you. You may feel inferior to others who appear more attractive, more intelligent, or more successful than you. Typical situations might be walking into a party on your own, initiating a conversation, going on a date, going to a job interview, confronting someone about a problem, for example, a noisy neighbor or talking to someone in authority or with higher status than you. Perfectionists are apprehensive about two aspects of the situation. Firstly, they have anxious thoughts about the situation itself. And secondly, they have anxious thoughts about seeming nervous in front of other people. They might worry that people will notice their neck flush or their sweating brow, as if being nervous is a sign of weakness. So perfectionists often avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Or they may find ways of coping by, for example, not offering an opinion in case others think them stupid. They might withdraw socially so they don't have to face the discomfort. Self criticism can make us unwilling to share things about ourselves for fear of what others may think of them. And 4. What is perfectionism? Part 3. Worrying too much: When we worry, it's usually about the future, thinking about what might happen, and it often involves a what if style of thinking. This includes lots of speculation, jumping to conclusions and fortune telling. Considering one of the perfectionists greatest fears is not meeting their own high standards, worrying is likely to be second nature. Then there's rumination, more associated with constantly running over a past event. For example, that important meeting where you said something you wish you hadn't. We torture ourselves about what we should have done or said, a kind of retrospective control. Mm. If we can't put past events behind us, having first learned what we need to learn from them, of course, then they will affect us in the future, causing pointless emotional pain and lack of engagement in our daily lives. It will also make us reluctant to try new things and take risks. Perfectionists will spend a lot of time worrying about doing or saying the right thing. This need to please others is often called good girl syndrome. They try to do the right thing for all the people in their lives. But looking after everyone else's needs often means neglecting their own. Perfectionists tend to engage in all or nothing thinking when they evaluate their performance. If a perfectionist fails at a task, say she gets a low grade on a test, she tends to enlarge that feeling of failure to include not just the test, but herself, too. Perfectionists quickly jump from the idea of I failed at this task to I am a failure. When there are a few things out of place on the kitchen counter, they move very quickly from my counter is a mess to my entire kitchen is a mess. My entire house is a mess, and I am a mess. Worrying is a normal part of life, a natural response to feeling anxious and only becomes a problem when it interferes with normal functioning. If you are a perfectionist, then anxiety is quite probably a constant companion, even if you aren't aware of it. Of course, there are many reasons why you might worry, depending on what kind of perfectionist you are. Perhaps you worry about what people might think of you, your health or that of your family. Lack of tidiness or not getting through as much work as you feel you should. It's a habit. And like any habit, the more we indulge in it, the more entrenched it becomes. But like any habit, it can be changed. Perfectionism is an act of control. If things are perfect, they feel more ordered, more in control. Every bit of stress, everything that brings people to psychologists offices is related to a feeling of being out of control. Some people tolerate a lack of control. Perfectionists don't. They may have uncontrollable chaos in their lives, an alcoholic parent or spouse, for example. And because that part of their life is in chaos, they try to wrest control by exerting super control in other areas of their life. Maybe they can't do anything about the alcoholic parent, but they can make sure to never gain a pound that their house looks beautiful and their kids are smart. It gives them a false sense of control. If everything looks good, it must be good. 5. What is perfectionism? Part 4. How does it affect us?: Perfectionists seem to be motivated and energetic. For a casual observer, they are always happy, cheerful, and full of optimism. If you dig deeper, you will find an incredible internal tension, which can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, shame, insomnia, headaches. They may postpone seeing a doctor because they are not in good shape. They can rigorously control every piece of food or become obese, thinking that it is not worth trying at all. They often put other people's needs above their own health or pleasure. In personal relationships, perfectionism can interfere with physical intimacy. For example, a woman shies away from sex because she has an imperfect body. It is difficult to keep close relationship with a person who has perfectionist standards. That's why sometimes it means loneliness. Perfectionists fear that people will notice their shortcomings, so they don't let anyone close to them. A perfectionist tends to project his own high standards on others. For example, a wife picks at her husband for not washing the dishes, although he cleaned up the whole apartment to please her. The bride can try too hard to make the wedding perfect to the smallest details. A mother makes her child succeed in sport, depriving him of childhood and simple joys. Perfectionist children constantly feel that they are being assessed and judged. They think that they will never be able to live up to their parents' expectations because they fall short. Women with eating disorders have unrealistically high expectations in terms of weight, control over their diet, appearance and exercise. They restrict calories, binge and purge, or over exercise to reach their perfect weight. However, no matter how thin they get, they never feel they've reached their goal. A perfectionist is either a hard worker who responds to emails at 2:00 in the morning and is first to arrive at the office, or a supervisor who does not want to or cannot delegate responsibilities despite his workload. And even if he delegates, he continues to closely monitor each step of his team. It is difficult for perfectionists to finish what they started. Many businessmen do not want to create their own websites or make presentations for fear that it all will turn out to be imperfect. Thus, the perfectionists demonstrate lack of flexibility, and teamwork requires flexible people who are ready to make exceptions and if necessary, make changes. Stress is the result of excessive self correction, and it rather leads to a desire to quit everything than to keep things going. Some perfectionists are extremely picky about their environment. They attach great importance to the details and are over organizing. Even their junk box is neatly divided into sections. Worse, they can get truly upset if something is out of place. Since perfectionists tend to put productivity above pleasure, you can often hear them say, I haven't been on vacation for several years. Even when they take a break, even for a few hours, they are constantly worried about the things that they should be doing. They get stuck in details, which should be ideal, so they lose overall vision. You'd think that the perfectionists have everything. Still, they feel like they are missing something. 6. What is perfectionism? Part 5. The Need for Control: Having this continual drive to be perfect makes it difficult to follow our passion, to be creative, to become excited about new ideas and interests. Perfectionism leads to the development of a disproportionate need for control. Control of ourselves, our feelings, other people, and the things that happen to us. But the notion of control is a myth because how much in life can we actually control? Perfectionists feel anxious when not in control, and this can cause problems, particularly when it comes to delegation, because after all, there is only one way to do things, his way. When we delegate a task, it involves trusting someone else to produce results which we feel we will be judged on. This can make us come across as inflexible and uncompromising as control freaks or micromanagers. If things don't go perfectly, we often blame those around us, the circumstances or the fact that it was last minute. People who are perfectionistic often find it difficult to make decisions. They worry about making a mistake, even when making the simplest of choices, deciding what to wear or what to order in a restaurant. And they change their mind several times. Sometimes they feel quite paralyzed by the enormity of a task because they tend to see things in rather black and white terms. They see the task as one huge problem which threatens to overwhelm them, as opposed to taking a step by step approach. Perfectionistic personality traits can cause a wide range of difficulties, difficulty making decisions, checking and re checking, ruminating, being too picky about potential partners. So perfectionists try to impress others by bragging or displaying their perfection, and they often irritate other people. Others avoid situations in which they might display their imperfection, and they tend to keep problems to themselves. Low self esteem and lack of self belief can lead to the feeling that we will never achieve our goals in life. And that can produce a kind of immobilization. We lack energy and motivation to make things happen, and this can lead to depression. 7. What is perfectionism? Part 6. General picture: The desire for perfection is quite natural. The perfectionist intention to achieve excellence is not a bad quality. The problem is her reaction when she cannot achieve absolute perfection. She personalizes the imperfect result, assessing her own importance with it, thinking, I am not good enough. Even taking the second place worldwide in a certain sport, they are not satisfied. Perfectionists often say that they aren't happy. They have this assumption that truly happy people are somehow immune from sadness, fear and anxiety, or from experiencing failures and setbacks. The perfectionists believe that there is only one right way of action, and they must find it. Everything must be perfect so that they can be pleased with themselves. If you do not achieve 100% success in 100% of cases, it does not make you a loser. It only means that you are human. It is very important to draw a line between a healthy desire for mastery and stressful thirst for perfection. Some people have perfectionist tendencies only in certain areas of life, like work, studies, cleaning, relationships, physical appearance, weight, or money. One of the reasons perfectionism is difficult to overcome is because we associate it with certain positive traits. Many people in job interviews mention perfectionism when they are asked to name a personal weakness. They usually equate perfectionism with making sure things are done and done well and paying attention to details. Their admission of perfectionism is a roundabout way of revealing a strength, of saying, I am detail oriented, methodical, hardworking, and you can trust me. Perfectionist qualities are habits, just a way of thinking, interacting with the world, evaluating ourselves and those around us. The mere thought of transforming perfectionist tendencies terribly scares us. We focus on positive aspects, on previous accomplishments and dedication and do not think of the high price we pay in an endless race for what we want. At first, all smokers are focused on the reasons for quitting smoking on the arguments against it. However, over time, the pros, such positive aspects of smoking as relaxation or appetite suppression, often cause a relapse. But if you find other ways to relieve stress, you'll get rid of the need for smoking. Think about the following questions. How does your perfectionist attitude affects your psychological health and physical well being? How does it affect your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues? How does your behavior affect your work, your studies, the amount of money you get and spend? How does perfectionism affect the pleasure and joy that you get from life? 8. Why do you think negative emotions are bad?: Fear of failure motivates us to work harder to achieve success. We reject failure so vigorously that we cannot take the risks that are necessary for growth. This fear not only compromises our performance, but jeopardizes our psychological well being. But failure is an inescapable and a critically important part of any successful life. As we grow, we learn to walk by falling, to talk by babbling, to hammer a nail into the wall by missing. Those who intensely fear failing end up falling short of their potential. We either learn to fail or we don't learn at all. A happy life is not composed of an endless stream of positive emotions. If a person experiences envy or anger, disappointment or sadness, fear or anxiety, it doesn't mean that she is not really happy. All normal people experience these normal, unpleasant feelings. Experiencing these emotions at times is a sign that we are not psychopaths, that we are alive. Paradoxically, when we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions, we limit our capacity for happiness. Painful emotions only expand and intensify when they aren't released. When they finally break through and they eventually do that, they overwhelm us. Painful emotions are an inevitable part of the experience of being human. And therefore, rejecting them is ultimately rejecting part of our humanity. To lead a full and fulfilling life, a happy life, we need to allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions. We need to give ourselves the permission to be human. Perfectionists have their own grand symbols of success, which also don't bring them any satisfaction, at least not for a long time. They need a new symbol each time they do something. They never consider anything they do to be good enough. Although they are clearly a great success, and everybody around them says so, they are unable to see themselves as successful. Perfectionist consistently measures himself against standards that are almost impossible to meet. Even when he attains it, he quickly dismisses his success as trivial and moves on to the next impossible goal. Basically, perfectionists reject failure, reject painful emotions, and reject success. Intense fear of failure does not let us venture outside the box. We stop experimenting and thus diminish our ability to learn and to grow. Some people become chronic procrastinators, afraid to begin a project if they are not certain of a perfect outcome. At some places, innovation is rejected for the sake of tried and true, the safe, and the mediocre. We seem to have it all, but are nevertheless unhappy. If the only dream we have is of a perfect life, we are doomed to disappointment, since such dreams simply cannot come true in the real world. Perfectionism makes all of our real life accomplishments seem unimportant. We are unable to take real and lasting pleasure in our successes. We measure our own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment. The perfectionist expects his path toward any goal and his entire journey through life to be smooth and easy, free of obstacles. When inevitably it isn't when he fails at a task, for instance, or when things don't quite turn out the way he expected, he is extremely frustrated and has difficulty coping. Accept failure as a natural part of life and as an experience that is inextricably linked to success. Failure to get the job you wanted or arguing with your spouse is part of a full and fulfilling life. You learn what you can from these experiences and emerge stronger and more resilient. Perfectionists are unhappy in college, largely because they cannot accept failure as a necessary part of learning and living. They believe that a happy life comprises an uninterrupted stream of positive emotions. And because they want to be happy, they reject painful emotions. They don't permit themselves to feel sad when, for example, a work opportunity is lost. They try not to experience the deep pain that follows the dissolution of an important relationship. You need to accept that painful emotions are an inevitable part of being alive. Give room for sadness and pain. Allow such feelings to deepen your overall experience of life. The unpleasant, as well as the pleasant. You don't have to even shouldn't radiate joy 247. 9. Why are you never satisfied?: There must be so many perfectionists out there who have not advanced in their careers in the way they might have given their skills and talents. Many of those will be people who have avoided tasks and situations which they find threatening because of the risk of appearing incompetent or looking foolish. They will pull back from anything where there is a risk of failure, and because of that, they deny themselves new experiences and the personal growth that goes with that. The perfectionist is never satisfied. She consistently sets goals and standards that are just impossible to meet. That's why they reject the possibility of success from the beginning. No matter what she achieves, how well she does in school, or how high up the career ladder she climbs, she can never take any pleasure in her accomplishments. No matter what he has, how much money he has made, how wonderful his spouse is, how much recognition he receives from his peers, it is never good enough for him. Regardless of his objective successes, he never feels successful. There is nothing wrong with setting extremely high standards, but your standards should be attainable. They should be grounded in reality. When you meet your goals, just appreciate your successes and take time to experience gratitude for your accomplishments. Perfectionists reject reality and replace it with a fantasy world, a world in which there is no failure and no painful emotions and in which their standards for success, no matter how unrealistic, can actually be met. In the real world, some failure and sorrow is inevitable. Accept failure as natural, even if you do not enjoy failing. This way, you'll experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from your activities. If you accept painful emotions as an inevitable part of being alive, you will not magnify them by trying to suppress them. Just experience these emotions, learn from them, and move on. If you accept real world limits and constraints, you can set goals that you can actually attain, accept and make the best of everything that life has to offer. You need to learn to fail. You need to give yourself permission to be human. You can set ambitious yet realistic goals and then appreciate your success in achieving them. 10. How do you achieve your goals?: Perfectionists have their own view on the process of achieving goals. Failure has no role in the journey toward the peak of the mountain. The ideal path toward their goals is the shortest, most direct path, a straight line. Anything that impedes their progress toward the ultimate goal is viewed as an unwelcome obstacle, a hurdle in their path. Failure is an inevitable part of the journey of getting from where you are to where you want to be. You can view the journey not as a straight line, but as something more like an irregular upward spiral. While the general direction is toward your objective, you know that there will be numerous deviations along the way. The perfectionist likes to think that her path to success can be and will be failure free, a straight line, but the reality is different. Whether we like it or not, we often stumble, make mistakes, reach dead ends, and need to turn back and start over again. The perfectionist, with his expectation of a flawless progression along the path to his goals, is unreasonable in his expectations of himself and of his life. He is engaged in wishful thinking and is detached from reality. Okay. You need to accept that the journey will not always be smooth, that you will inevitably encounter obstacles and detours along the way. The perfectionists primary concern is to avoid falling down, deviating, stumbling, airing. When she understands that this is impossible, she begins to shrink from challenges, to run away from activities where there is some risk of failure. And when she actually fails, when she sooner or later comes face to face with her imperfections, with her humanity, she is devastated. Oh Failure is an opportunity for receiving feedback. You can learn from it. When you fail at something, you can take your time, digest your failure, and learn what set you back. Then you try again and try harder. By focusing on growth and improvement and by rebounding from setbacks, you accept a more indirect way to your destination. If you don't give up or become paralyzed by the fear of failure, you have a much better chance of actually reaching your goals. 11. How do you behave at work? (part 1): A writer who wants her work to be perfect may spend so much time checking it over that she can never complete her assignments on time. A supervisor who insists on perfection will be unable to delegate and will end up working 18 hour days because she does too many tasks herself. Aiming to do your job with excellence is healthy. Expecting to do it perfectly is unrealistic and sets you up for disappointment, anxiety, and depression. We think of paying attention to detail as a positive quality, and many times it is. But often paying attention to detail causes you to lose track of the big picture. Being a perfectionist at work doesn't necessarily mean you're doing a really good job. Say that on Monday, your boss gives you three tasks to do by Friday. If you spend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday doing task number one perfectly, you may not have time to do tasks number two and three on Friday. Then you have to ask for a deadline extension. It depends on the situation, of course, but in most cases, a boss would rather have all three jobs done adequately and on time than one job perfectly done and the other too late. It's hard to let go of details, but at work, it's sometimes the most effective strategy. Perfectionists are most comfortable when they've mastered their domain. If you know how to do your job very well and you can control your work environment to a high degree, you feel relatively content. This feeling of contentment can inhibit you from seeking or accepting promotions, however. Being elevated from a comfortable job that you can do in your sleep to a new position that requires a whole new level of mastery can provoke lots of anxiety. Accepting a higher level job can cause social apprehension if you must leave a team of supportive peers behind or worse, become their boss. If you feel insecure about your abilities, you may worry that a promotion will put flaws and imperfections on display in an embarrassing way. You may even fear that people will see through you if you rise to a higher job level. Perfectionistic managers are unlikely to make good leaders, since a good leader will create a culture where mistakes are okay, where it is not always necessary to be right and where they are prepared to be seen as vulnerable, it's no wonder that the perfectionist will struggle with the transition to leadership. Many people reach senior positions, but when they move into a leadership role, they often find themselves still getting tied up in the detail of operational issues, failing to delegate and being accused of micromanagement. They find it a real challenge to recognize that their job now is to inspire others and achieve results through them. This causes stress as they try to do everything themselves. Another important aspect of leadership is the vision to create and shape the future of the organization, which involves big picture thinking, taking risks, and having the courage to try new ideas. All of this is very difficult if your main driving force is fear of failure. If you're afraid of progressing because of distorted judgments and expectations, you need to look at that. Understanding what thoughts stand behind your behaviors and whether they're distorted in any way makes it easier for you to pick the best career related choices. Of course, you don't have to force yourself to leave a comfortable job so you can scramble up an anxiety provoking career ladder. Having a comfy job that fits like an old sweater may be the best thing for you at this point in your life. But it's important to have a reality based awareness of what motivates you, so that the work you choose to do is a real choice and not just an anxiety based default. 12. How do you behave at work? (part 2): Perfectionists are very detail oriented, and we are often our own worst critics. We check things over and over and never quite feel like our work is good enough. But not every project has to be done perfectly. If you're not sure what needs A plus effort and what can be done just adequately, think carefully about what your employer wants. If you feel comfortable doing so, work with your boss to set expectations. There's no point wasting time doing something perfectly if your boss is happy with good enough. What satisfies you as a perfectionist may be far more than what your employer actually needs. When you're doing a project, ask yourself, what are my employer's expectations on this? You don't have to get an A plus on every task. Perfectionism can really get in the way if you're an employer or manager. Unless you have perfectionists working for you, nobody can live up to your standards. First of all, you've got to delegate, or you'll be working 80 hour weeks. When you give someone a task, be very clear about the minimum standards of acceptance. Be aware that it's fair to expect their work to be acceptable, but not to assume it will be superlative. When the work is handed in and it's not as good as you want it, ask yourself, does it meet the minimum standards of acceptance? If not, what's the best tack to redo it yourself or to give it back to the employee with suggestions on how to make it good enough. Although it's tempting to just do it yourself, that may insult your employees. Better to let them fix it so they can learn and take pride in it. When the work needs to be perfect, then insist on it being done perfectly. If good enough is good enough, then settle for it. Demanding that everyone do everything perfectly all the time will frustrate you and everyone else. Someone says five good things and one bad thing, and what do we do? We filter out the good and focus on the bad. Or when we receive a compliment on a task well done, we disqualify it by belittling the quality of the work. If someone makes an offhand comment that upsets you, don't presume the worst. Make a list of all of the remarks possible meanings and challenge the auto thought belief that the speaker had the most offensive meaning in mind. Perfectionists are notorious people pleasers at work. We want everyone at work to like us, from the top manager to the guy who empties the trash. Unfortunately, People pleasing requires a huge amount of time and energy, and it can trigger anxiety and depression. People pleasing ultimately ends in failure because it is impossible to please everyone. Developing awareness of your own people pleasing patterns is the best place to start. Identify your own people pleasing habits. Spend some time reflecting on how you can change your behavior. Start small by speaking up at a meeting or saying no to a small favor. Express some of your emotions rather than holding them in. Put your needs first sometimes. It will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but over time, the discomfort will subside. A. 13. How to say “NO”: Perfectionists take care of people. We want people to like us and approve of us and appreciate us. We want to be seen as good folks, and we don't like to disappoint people. Saying no feels selfish, but it's not. It's an act of self care. The truth is, we have a right to say no. We do not owe the world 247 assistance. Our personal value is not determined by how many bake sales we run. When your neighbor asks you to take care of her cats for three weeks, you can say no in four ways. One, just say no, which is really tough to do. Two, say no with a B. No, you can't take care of her cats because you're allergic. Three, say no with a how about. No, you can't take care of her cats. But how about you give her the phone number of a neighbor who loves cats and would probably be willing to do it? Four, say you'll get back to her. I'm right in the middle of something. Can I call you back? That gives you time to make the right decision, and if the answer is no, figure out how to say it. Perfectionists need for approval can cause real problems at work. Most managers are too quick to criticize and too slow to show appreciation. And, of course, this can have a particularly damaging effect on the perfectionist, for whom approval is central to what makes them tick. This can lead to exhaustion, to feelings of cynicism, disillusionment, and an overall negative feeling towards their workplace, due to feeling unappreciated. 14. The Perfectionist’s worldview: For the perfectionist, achieving his goal is the only thing that matters. The process of getting there, the journey is meaningless to him. He views the journey as simply a series of obstacles that have to be negotiated in order to get to wherever it is that he wants to be. That's why the perfectionist's life is a kind of a rat race. She is unable to enjoy the here and now because she is completely engrossed in her obsession with the next promotion, the next prize, and the next milestone, which she believes will make her happy. The perfectionist is aware that he cannot entirely get over with the journey. So he treats it as a bothersome but necessary step in getting to where he wants to be, and he tries to make it as short and as painless as possible. He fast forwards through hard work and hard times, but also through all the small daily pleasures of life, since they slow down the progress toward his ultimate goal. He considers everything that is not directly related to his end goal, an unwelcome detour along the way. It's kind of being sedated to avoid the pain of an operation, but not for a few hours for most of your life, so that you can avoid experiencing the journey, which you perceive as an impediment to your happiness. Perfectionists miss everything that matters because they are only focused on their ultimate goal. It's like sleeping through life. You can choose to experience your life rather than fast forward through it. As a result, you'll be a much happier and better person. Value the journey that takes you to your destination. Of course, there will be detours along the way. So pleasant and desirable, some not. You shouldn't be so obsessively focused on your goal so that the rest of life ceases to matter. Life is mostly about what you do on your way to your destination, and you probably want to be fully awake as your own life unfolds. The perfectionists universe is ostensibly simple. Things are right or wrong, good or bad, the best or the worst, a success or a failure. Of course, categories do exist. Some things are good or bad. The problem with the perfectionists approach is that as far as he is concerned, these are the only categories that exist. There are no gray areas, no nuances or complexities. The perfectionists total self worth depends on winning a single point, a single game, a single match. Either she wins the competition or she is a total loser. Everything is about winning or losing success or failure, right or wrong. You won the tournament, or you lost it. You succeeded to meet your objectives, or you failed. There are also countless points between the extremes that may in themselves be necessary and valuable. You can find satisfaction and happiness in a less than perfect performance. Because of their all or nothing approach, perfectionists perceive every criticism as potentially catastrophic, a dangerous assault on their sense of self worth. Criticism threatens to expose their flaws. Perfectionists often become extremely antagonistic when criticized. They are unable to assess whether there is any merit in the criticism and whether they can learn from it. Perfectionist is unwilling to admit a shortcoming, flaw or mistake, because her primary concern is actually to prove that she is right. She wants to look good, and therefore, she tries to appear flawless. The picture that the perfectionist has of herself, the only picture she is willing to accept is of flawlessness, and she goes to great lengths to convince others that the way she views herself is indeed correct. She will defend her ego and her self perception at all costs and will not allow criticism that could expose her as less than perfect. You can be open to suggestions. Recognize the value of feedback in form of failure or success. Most people do not enjoy being criticized or to fail. Though you may not like it when your flaws are pointed out, nevertheless, take the time to openly and honestly assess whether the criticism is valid and then ask yourself how you can learn and improve from it. 15. How to deal with negative thoughts?: What are some of the auto thoughts that cause you stress? It can be hard to identify them because they are such an integrated part of the fabric of your mind that you take them as fact rather than distortions. Start by looking at a problem and backing up to find its root. Say you're totally stressed out because your sister and her husband are arriving tomorrow and staying for the weekend. Go backward. Why is this stressing you? Maybe because you have a lot to do before they come and not much time to do it. Go backward again. What do you have to do before they arrive? Maybe you have to clean the house and shop for groceries. Why do you have to clean the house and shop for groceries? Maybe because you feel your sister will think less of you if the house is messy and you serve takeout instead of cooking a meal. Why would you feel this way? Maybe because you want to impress your sister. Why do you want to impress your sister? Because you've always felt that your sister thinks she's better than you. There's your auto thought. Buried under layers of cooking and cleaning, you feel inferior to your sister. Now, that's a thought that's worth challenging. Whenever you feel stressed, unhappy, or dissatisfied, jot down what you're thinking in your notebook. Pay extra close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words must, should, shouldn't always, never have to, because they often play a part in distorted thinking. Once you are aware of your stressful auto thoughts, put them to the test. Is this thought really true? Am I jumping to conclusions? What is the evidence? Am I exaggerating a negative aspect of the situation? Am I catastrophizing? That is thinking of a small problem as a huge catastrophe. How do I know it will happen? So what if it happens? Is it really as bad as it seems? Is there another way to look at the situation? Once you've identified an auto thought as being irrational or detrimental, it's time to restructure it. Recreate the thought in a way that causes less stress. For example, you think, I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink. A good way to restructure this thought would be, I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes. Restructuring that thought removes a lot of stress and expectations of perfection. It gives you the space to do what you like, to wash the dishes if you have time and if it's not interfering with other important tasks. But it also gives you the freedom to put your own needs first sometimes. When you find yourself thinking an automatic negative thought, immediately visualize a big stop sign. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself, what's going on here? What's making me so anxious? What's real and what's fear? Then make a deliberate choice to reframe the thought. You can put the brakes on harmful auto thoughts when you stop, breathe, reflect, and choose. 16. Checklist for challenging your thinking : [No Speech] 17. Why are perfectionists harsh and unforgiving?: No matter how successful the perfectionist is, his shortcomings and imperfections eclipse all his accomplishments. Because he engages in both fault finding and all or nothing thinking, he tends to see the glass as totally empty. Less than stellar athletic or academic performance will be perceived by the perfectionist as a catastrophe and might lead him to avoid all further challenges. Although you may be disappointed by your failures, you can consider them as learning opportunities, rather than paralyzing you, failures may, in fact, stimulate extra effort. You can be a sort of person who makes lemonade out of lemons, who looks on the bright side of things. Surely, not every negative event has a positive aspect. There are many wrongs in the world, and at times a negative reaction to events is very appropriate. A person who can never see the negative is just as unrealistic as the person who sees only the negative. The perfectionist can be extremely hard on herself, as well as on others. When she makes mistakes, when she fails, she is unforgiving. She believes that it is actually possible to go through life smoothly without blunders. Eerrors are avoidable. They are in her power to avoid. And therefore, she regards being harsh on herself as a form of taking responsibility. To the perfectionist, the notion of taking responsibility is extremely unhealthy. Taking responsibility for your mistakes means learning from your failures. Except that making mistakes and experiencing failure are unavoidable. You need to be more understanding when it comes to your failures. Be much more forgiving of yourself. Our behavior toward others is often a reflection of our treatment of ourselves. Being kind and compassionate toward oneself usually translates to kind and compassionate behavior toward others. And vice versa, harshness toward the self often translates to harshness toward others. Healthy high achievers accept that they won't always get it right. Instead, they learn from their mistakes and move on. Perfectionism can be a definite obstacle to success, not just due to high levels of anxiety and chronic stress, but because of the time and energy spent on less important tasks. Perfectionists feel their work is never complete, never quite good enough. Because they fear disapproval and rejection more than anything, all activities tend to be equally important, whether it be a simple email or a major project, and this can lead to procrastination and indecision. In fact, perfectionists probably reach their potential less often than their peers. Procrastination significantly increases stress levels. In the end, you have to do the task, but now you're under real pressure as the deadline fast approaches. Just because you put something off, it doesn't vanish. It stays with you in the background, like a cloud hanging over you. You carry it around, and this has an insidious negative effect on how you are feeling. 18. Is it hard for you to make a decision?: Everyone struggles to some extent with decision making, but perfectionists can find it particularly hard because they want to find perfect solutions. Whenever there's a choice, there's an opportunity for failure. Perfectionists want to do things the right way. We don't want to make a mistake. Because of black and white thinking, it can be paralyzing to have to choose between two options. You want to pick the best. But when there is no clear best, you're stuck, anxiously trying to make a decision that you won't regret. Small decisions can sometimes cause more anxiety than big ones because there are so many of them. Perfectionists tend to think there's one right way or one best way to do something, and they feel enormous pressure to choose the right or best option. A perfectionist's natural insecurity produces the self doubt and second guessing that makes decision making even harder. And Having too many choices can contribute to bad decision making, anxiety, stress, dissatisfaction. Some choice is good, but that doesn't necessarily mean that more is better. As freedom of choice expands, we are feeling less and less satisfied. Consider a trip to a supermarket. How many different varieties and brands of cookies, chocolate, and juices does the store offer? You could spend the better part of a day just selecting a box of crackers, worrying about price, flavor, freshness, fat, sodium, and calories. But who has the time to do this? Not only must we make choices about thousands of products, but we must pick which phone company to use, what health insurance to buy, and how to invest our money. The Internet makes decision making even harder because it gives perfectionists unlimited research potential. No matter how much you read about something on the Internet, there's always more information available. It's hard for a perfectionist to stop researching without feeling that he's leaving an important part of the decision making process unfinished. Perfectionists take longer to make decisions. Spend more time thinking about hypothetical alternatives, feel less positive about their decisions, and are more likely to regret their choices. May be decisions you made in the past that you now regret. But in almost all circumstances, they were the best decisions you could have made based on your knowledge, maturity, resources, support, and other factors in place at that time. The problem with regret is that we revisit old decisions and look at them with new eyes. We have to forgive and empathize with our younger selves. Judging your past does you no good. Regret gets you nowhere. Instead, try to remember past decisions with empathy and compassion. One of the most common distortions that impede decision making is black and white thinking. This kind of thinking tells you that one option is right and the others are wrong. Sometimes that's the case, but more often, we're called upon to pick from among several equally valid choices. That's why decision making is so hard. Uh 19. How to make a right choice?: Perfectionists get stuck in a cycle of indecision and anxiety. They can spend half an hour deciding which jeans to wear. The more anxious you are, the harder it is to make a decision. And the longer it takes you to make a decision, the more anxious you get. You don't think clearly when you're anxious because anxiety puts you into fight or flight mode. Your entire body is responding to a perceived threat by preparing you to fight or run away. The problem is, your body is prepared for battle when what you really need is to decide which shoes to buy or how to have your hair cut, or whom to marry, or what job to take. To make a good decision, it really helps to be in a calm place. As you calm down and gain control, you'll be able to think more clearly. Relaxation can stop the what ifs racing through your mind and allow you the peace you need to make a smart decision. If you can't decide between decision A and decision B, try to visualize making decision A. See how it feels. See what your gut tells you. If it feels good, it's probably the right decision. If it doesn't, then your answer is probably decision B. If neither feels particularly good, then think about which one feels worse. Which would you regret more? You can also try to imagine that decision A has been taken away from you. How do you feel being left with decision B? Relieved, distressed? Those feelings can help shape your decision. If neither decision A or decision B feels right, maybe there are options you haven't considered. Do a relaxation exercise to calm your mind, and then think about whether you've overlooked decision C and decision D. Ultimately, decision making comes down to going with your gut. When this happens, try to calm your mind, sleep on it, relax. Take a hot shower. Try to shut out all external distractions so you can listen to what your inner wisdom is telling you. 20. Why are you so rigid and inflexible?: The language perfectionist tends to use is categorical, even moralistic, ought have to must should feelings are irrelevant to his decision making process. He views them as harmful because they may change. Surprise is dangerous. He should know the future. Change is the enemy. Spontaneity and improvisation are too risky. Playfulness is unacceptable. The perfectionist has this obsessive need for control. She tries to control every aspect of her life because she fears that if she were to relinquish some control, her world would fall apart. If she needs to get something done at work or elsewhere, she prefers to do it herself. She does not trust other people unless she is certain that they will follow her instructions to the letter. Imagine a person who committed to his goal of becoming a partner in a consulting firm, spends 70 hours a week in the office. He is unhappy at work. He knows that the job at which he felt most fulfilled was when he worked at a restaurant during his summers in college, but he refuses to change his planned course of action. Perhaps he even refuses to admit to himself that he is miserable and continues along the same path toward partnership. Regardless of the cost, he refuses to give up on his goal, refuses to fail at becoming a partner. You don't need to be chained to these commitments. You might decide, for example, to continue investing time and effort in your goal of becoming a partner at the firm, but at the same time, relax your schedule slightly or take some time off in order to explore whether opening a restaurant might be the right thing for you after all. Do not chart your direction according to a rigid map, but rather based on a more fluid compass. You can be dynamic and adaptable, open to different alternatives, able to cope with unpredictable twists and turns. Accepting that different paths may lead to your destination, you are flexible, not spineless, open to possibilities. 21. Why do perfectionists have low self-esteem?: Think of a child growing up in a home where, regardless of what he does, he is constantly criticized and put down. Imagine an employee whose shortcomings are constantly highlighted by her boss. It is unlikely that such a child or an employee enjoys healthy self esteem. Because the life of a perfectionist is an endless rat race, his enjoyment of success is short lived. He is far more likely to dwell on his failures than on his successes, because when he succeeds in achieving a goal, he immediately starts worrying about the next goal and what would happen if he fails to reach it. The all or nothing mindset leads perfectionists to transform every setback into a catastrophe, an assault on their very worth as human beings. Their fault finding turns inward. Their self esteem takes a constant beating as a result of failure. It is unthinkable for them to expose any weakness or imperfection. Perfectionists constantly engage in self enhancement. And to the outside world, they try to communicate the flawless facade. They pretend to be self confident and showcase self respect they do not actually feel. Most perfectionists are so accustomed to blaming themselves for things that it is a natural reaction when just about anything goes wrong. If a perfectionist can blame herself, the world feels safer for her. Perfectionists hate being out of control, and they hate knowing that fate can toss curveballs that they have absolutely no control over. For perfectionists to get sick after doing everything right really makes their card houses tumble down. It is a breach of trust. They begin to question everything in their world. They blame themselves. Even if your lifestyle choices have contributed to your disease, you can't waste energy beating yourself up about it. You need that energy to fight your disease. Forget about the past and ask yourself what you can do to take control in the present. 22. How to overcome the fear of failure?: Let's say you are going to a party. What thoughts are circling in your head? I have to be perfect to please everyone. I don't know anyone there. I can't even imagine what to wear. People will assess me. They will not like me. Or do you think life is an adventure? Usually, people are friendly and happy to meet others. Since perfectionists measure their significance with unattainable goals, they constantly feel that they don't meet the standards. When you are afraid, you focus on what you don't want. Your task is to do everything possible to reduce the risk of undesirable outcome. Instead of concentrating on the desired result, you worry about what may happen and behave in a way to reduce or prevent negative consequences. When you are filled with passion, you are motivated by what you want to experience, not by the desire to avoid something. We feel passion when we act in accordance with our values, when we rely on our strengths, when we remain ourselves and take on tasks which empower us. Your true self is that part of your personality which is capable of experiencing joy and pleasure, finds meaning in what you are doing and gratefully accepts what life has to offer. If you fail frequently, it means that you try frequently, that you put yourself on the line and challenge yourself. It is only from the experience of challenging ourselves that we learn and grow. And we often develop and mature much more from our failures than from our successes. When we put ourselves on the line, when we fall down and get up again, we become stronger and more resilient. Dealing with challenges and risking failure increases our self confidence. If we avoid hardships and challenges because we may fail, the message we are sending ourselves is that we are unable to deal with difficulty, and our self esteem suffers as a result. But if we do challenge ourselves, the message we internalize is that we are resilient enough to handle potential failure. Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them, has a greater long term effect on our self esteem than winning or losing. Our self confidence and belief in our own ability to deal with setbacks may be reinforced when we fail because we realize that the beast we had always feared, which is failure is not as terrifying as we thought it was. Failure turns out to be far less threatening when it is exposed and confronted directly. Over the years by avoiding failure, the perfectionist invests it with much more power than it deserves. The pain associated with the fear of failure is usually more intense than the pain following an actual failure. Ironically, if your greatest fear is realized, you may feel like you were set free. Failure can give you an inner security that you have never attained by passing examinations. The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity. We can only learn to deal with failure by actually experiencing failure by living through it. The earlier we face difficulties and drawbacks, the better prepared we are to deal with the inevitable obstacles in our life. If nothing in your prior experience prepares you to deal with the psychological impact of failure, you'll be unable to deal with anything short of total success and failure might devastate you. 23. Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 1): We live in a world that is obsessed with physical perfection. Magazine covers, movies, social media show nonstop images of gorgeous women and men. The message they send is that physical perfection should be everyone's goal. And if you're not perfect, you should do everything possible to fix your flaws. If you don't look like a Victoria's secret model, then get to work. Starve yourself, work out until you collapse, dye your hair, paint your nails, dress yourself in expensive new clothes, whiten your teeth, apply makeup. If that doesn't work, have your face lifted, your boobs enlarged, your wrinkles botoxed, and your thigh fat vacuumed away. The media sets ideals of beauty that only a tiny percentage of women can attain. The rest of us are left feeling anxious and inadequate because of our appearance. It's impossible, especially if you're a perfectionist, not to be affected by all the pressure our society places on thinness, attractiveness, and physical beauty. The fact is only one in 30,000 women have the body type to be a model. And yet somehow the other 29,999 of us feel like we're failing because we don't. Perfectionists have loads of body related automatic thoughts looping through their minds. We tell ourselves these things because of the disappointment and shame we feel as a result of not achieving the goal of physical perfection. Telling yourself you're a pig after eating half a box of cookies won't help you eat less next time, but it does erode your self esteem and deprive you of happiness. Black and white thinking is the most common cognitive distortion. It leads a perfectionist to think that if she can't do something perfectly, she shouldn't do it at all. For example, you know you're overweight, and you know that losing a few pounds would improve your health. But you tell yourself that if you can't become a size six, why bother even trying? You're watching what you eat. But at lunchtime, you eat a delicious doughnut. Instead of being careful for the rest of the day, what the hell effect takes over. And you eat junk all day. You've already ruined things with the doughnut. So what the hell? Go ahead and have a half dozen cookies. The handfuls of chips, a plateful of cheese and crackers, and a big scoop of ice cream. You can start over tomorrow. Another common example of black and white thinking is telling yourself that if you have only a few minutes to exercise, there's no point in bothering because a little bit of exercise has no value. In fact, short bouts of exercise can do as much as or perhaps even more than long workout sessions. Doing a 20 minute walk is better than not doing a 45 minute workout session. We go for a 20 minute walk and minimize its importance because it's not as good as an hour of spinning. 24. Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 2): The baby step approach is the complete opposite of what perfectionists are used to. We perfectionists don't like baby steps. We like big giant steps. We like to leap. When we set out to lose weight, we pick a dramatic weight loss goal, an unrealistic exercise plan, and the diet of a monk. We start out full of excitement and purpose and stick to our goals like glue for three days. Then something happens, like a meeting runs long, and we have to skip a workout. Because we miss a workout, we dispense with our Spartan diet and gobble up a double cheese burger at lunch. Then we give up on the whole thing because we weren't able to do it all perfectly. Taking baby steps is an incredibly effective way to achieve weight loss or any other goal. Taking baby steps with exercise leads you naturally to weight loss and healthier eating. Not on day one, but eventually. As opposed to thinking you have to lose 100 pounds, think about taking a five minute walk once a day. Next week, increase your walk to 10 minutes and so on. People who take baby steps can eventually run marathons. They can lose dozens of pounds, but it takes time and patience, two skills that tend to be in short supply among perfectionists. 10 minutes here and there doesn't sound like much, but it adds up. Even occasional workouts help. It would be great if you could always eat well, but it's also impossible. If you feel angry at yourself for less than 100% compliance to a healthy diet, it's time to change the way you think and follow the 80 20 eating plan. With this plan, if you eat nutritiously for 80% of your diet, you can be less careful about the other 20%. The key to the 80 20 plan is that it is based on the realistic expectation that although you can't eat nutritiously all the time, you can do it most of the time. 25. Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 3): In terms of their body image, the perfectionists see themselves as fat or skinny. There is no healthy middle ground, and the media feeds these perfectionist attitudes. The perfectionist overlooks the fact that most people do not look like supermodels. Editing software brushes away any imperfections. Being flesh and blood rather than perfected digital images, the perfectionists always find some fault in their appearance. Their all or nothing mindset magnifies every blemish, every deviation from their idealized image. They become obsessed with the extra two pounds they may have gained or with the wrinkle that they think mars their complexion. Perfectionists take extreme measures to eliminate these perceived imperfections, whether through repeated plastic surgery, invasive beauty treatments or starvation. In their all or nothing world, they are either on a perfect regime of dieting or off the diet completely. The irony is that even in the midst of eating the gallon of ice cream, perfectionists derive little, if any, enjoyment from it. The knowledge that they have failed prevents them from enjoying what they are eating. You don't have to be oblivious to the way you look or to what you eat. However, the standards you hold yourself to are meant to be human rather than super human. You need to understand the difference between a real person and a picture that has been worked on inch by inch on Photoshop. And if you are concerned with following a healthy diet or with your weight, do not berate yourself if you succumb to temptation once in a while. Slipping up from time to time should not drive you from one extreme to another. Recognize and accept your own humanity. Your fallibility. Be compassionate toward yourself. When you look at yourself, try to focus on what's good. Search for what's strong, beautiful, healthy, or unique. Do what you can to take media images out of your line of sight. You can't cut it all out, but you can reduce your exposure. What we see in social media is not what these women really look like. Even the women who most of us would consider perfect, once the makeup artists and stylists are done with them, are photoshopped into ultra perfection. 26. Body image, weight loss and exercise (part 4): Why is it that if a friend makes a mistake, we can forgive her. But when we make mistakes, we beat ourselves up. That's what perfectionists tend to do. We can't accept the fact that we are not perfect. We believe that if we mess up once, everything will fall apart and go to hell. When you eat something you hadn't planned to eat or miss a workout, pay attention to the automatic thoughts that flood through your mind. Say you eat too much ice cream. Automatic thoughts start berating you for lacking self discipline and losing control. When you recognize these thoughts, immediately visualize a big stop sign. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you're saying these things to yourself. Then deliberately and gently reframe the thought. Remember the four steps of thought stopping. Stop, breathe, reflect, and choose. For example, when a non perfectionist on a diet eats an unplanned brownie, she forgives herself and simply decides to skip dessert tomorrow to make up for it. When you struggle to forgive yourself, try to imagine what you would do if your best friend called you and told you that she had made the mistake that you made. Would you berate her and call her names and tell her she's weak? Of course not. You'd support her and urge her to forgive herself and let it go. Try to look at it the same way when you mess up and be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend. 27. How do perfectionist women behave at home?: For perfectionist women, the home can be a source of stress rather than a place to relax. Every speck of dust, every dirty glass, every unmade bed is a blatant, unavoidable imperfection. You crave serenity and calmness. But the stress caused by dog hair on the carpet, fingerprints on the walls, baked on crud in the oven and leaves in the yard can turn your home into a giant anxiety pit. You long for peace and order, but you can't relax until the dishwasher is unloaded and the trash is taken out. No matter how hard you work, the to do list never ends. The more you chase the unattainable goal of perfection at home, the more stressed you become. Your home is a reflection of you. And if it doesn't look good, it reflects poorly on you, rather than your husband or kids. So if the paint is chipping and the furniture is dusty, you can't help feeling that it makes you look pretty bad. If my house is a mess, the perfectionist tells herself, then I must be a mess. The more a woman is feeling out of control elsewhere in her life, the more control she tries to exert at home. Perhaps she can't control her work, her husband, her kids, her health. But she can darn well make sure there's no cat hair on the draperies. When a woman crosses the threshold between keeping the house relatively clean to obsessively clean, she needs to look at what else is going on in her life to see if there's a deeper problem that is causing her to feel so consumed by house cleaning. You can't let your house go to hell, but you can make conscious choices, rather than just doing housework by rote. It's fine to organize cabinets. But if you've had a long day and you need a hot bath, let the cabinets wait. Perfectionists tend to think visitors notice every speck of dust and cluttered table. The truth is, people don't notice. And if they do notice, they don't care. Visitors see much less than we think. If they do notice the pieces of burnt spaghetti on your stove, they probably won't judge you for it. And if they do, then shame on them for being so rude. What kind of friend thinks less of you and comments on it if there are cobwebs on your ceilings? You don't need friends like that. If you're going to divvy housework up between you and your husband, you have to learn to step back and let him do the jobs his way. You literally may have to hold your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from redirecting your husband or kids as they fold the towels crookedly. Remind yourself that it's okay for the towels to be a little wrinkled. A baby who wears stripes and plaids won't get sick. Keep in mind that your way is not necessarily the best or the only way to do something. There are very few things that have only one right way. Oh. 28. Will perfectionism make you successful?: Many perfectionists understand that their perfectionism harms them, but they are reluctant to change because they believe that while perfectionism may not make you happy, it does make you successful. Not wanting to be a slacker, they choose the other extreme. They believe in the philosophy of no pain, no gain. To remain employable, let alone competitive, we must constantly learn and grow, and to learn and grow, we must fail. It is no coincidence that the most successful people throughout history are also the ones who have failed the most. Failure is essential in achieving success, though it is, of course, not sufficient for achieving it. In other words, while failure does not guarantee success, the absence of failure will almost always guarantee the absence of success. Failure is inextricably linked with achievement. Those who fail are the ones who learn and grow. When you do fail, as we all do from time to time, do not catastrophize your failures. Striving for success and accepting failure is a natural part of life. The perfectionist's obsession with the destination and her inability to enjoy the journey eventually saps her desire and motivation so that she is less likely to put in the hard work necessary for success. No matter how motivated she may be at the beginning, the strain of sustaining an effort for long periods of time eventually becomes intolerable if the entire process, the journey is unhappy. Focusing only on the destination harms the perfectionist. It leads to procrastination and paralysis. The perfectionist puts off certain work temporarily or permanently, both because work for him is painful and because inaction provides an excuse for failure. He thinks to himself, If I don't try, I won't fail. By trying to preclude the possibility of failure, however, the perfectionist is, of course, also precluding the possibility of success. There comes a point when despite the perfectionist's motivation to succeed, part of her will begin to want to give up just in order to avoid further pain. No matter how intensely she may want the promotion from middle to senior management, the perfectionist may find that because the journey is so long and it always lasts much, much longer than that brief moment when the destination is reached, she cannot bear to sustain it. You can enjoy the journey while staying focused on your destination. The road to success may not be smooth or easy. You'll struggle, fall, doubt yourself, and sometimes feel pain. But your overall journey becomes far more pleasant if you let go of perfectionist views. You can be motivated by the pull of the destination, the goal you want to achieve, as well as by the pull of the journey, the day to day that you enjoy. 29. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 1): We cannot change the past, but we can adjust the way our past affects us now. It is important to identify the roots of the problem because addressing reason is like treating a deep wound. The past in itself does not hurt us. What hurts us is the way we perceive it. We left the event behind us. However, our thinking process still hurts. Revise your childhood. Did you see one of your parents or both work all the time? Have your parents stayed up late or went to work on weekends? Did they bring work home? Were they obsessed with cleanliness? Maybe they believed that you should always keep the house tidy just in case of unexpected guests. Did you often hear sentences like, I hate when people are late? It is a sign of disrespect, or a real man works hard and provides for his family. You are who you are because of your job. If you relax, you are unemployed. Did you get the idea that if you studied hard and got excellent grades, your parents would love you? Had you been criticized, ridiculed, or punished for low academic performance? Did you have to endure humiliation because of a mistake and then swear that you would never make it again? It is human nature to want to be accepted and loved by other people. However, in order to win their attention, perfectionism often behave themselves just like when they were kids. People are proud of my achievements is transformed into People will be proud only if I am successful. Figuring out what made you a perfectionist is essential. This life changing event or factor and the lessons you learn from it still acts as your driving force every day, and it interferes with your success. 30. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 2): When you recall that life changing situation which triggered your perfectionism, the next step is to write down the details of this event. Unfortunately, many people are reluctant to describe the event and its nuances in writing. They say, I already know what I'm thinking about. It's just a waste of time. However, it is extremely important to write down the story and not just think it over. Thousands of thoughts pass through our mind every second, and we tend to perceive them all as facts and not our own subjective interpretations. By transferring your memories from your mind to a piece of paper, you can look at them in a new way and remember that your notes should not be perfect. This is not a writing contest or English lesson. Don't worry about style or spelling. Just write whatever comes to mind. Describe events which triggered your need for excellence. Do not hold back. If you find it difficult to remember the specific situation, just write down everything that comes to mind when you think about these questions. Who in your past had had all or nothing type of thinking? Who worked without rest, prioritized work over entertainment, had the need to keep everything clean and tidy. When in the past did you receive rewards for your successes? In what situations did you feel embarrassed because you did something wrong or made an error? Journaling helps lessen the pain of traumatic experiences. In your journal, you can explore your perfectionist feelings in a safe way. You can talk to yourself in your journal and ask yourself why you don't treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you offer others. You can also give yourself permission in a journal, permission to make mistakes and to be imperfect. Journaling can help you understand why a certain situation causes you stress. Even when you can't solve a problem, having a fuller awareness of what it is and why it's troubling you can go a long way toward removing its sting. 31. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 3): Write down the automatic negative thoughts you have about yourself. When you write them, they seem so much less logical than they do when you think them. Getting these thoughts down on paper is a tremendous first step toward reframing them in a more positive, constructive way. Once you begin writing, keep going. Don't worry about grammar or punctuation or correct spelling. If you run out of things to say, repeat what you've already written. If you write about a traumatic event in your past, really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. Delve into your deepest emotions. Be completely honest. What you're writing is for you alone. You may feel sad after you write. But usually, the feeling passes within a couple of hours. Write about an event or a situation in which you failed. Describe what you did, the thoughts that went through your mind, how you felt about it then, and how you feel about it now as you are writing. Has the passage of time changed your perspective on the event? What are the lessons that you have learned from the experience? Can you think of other benefits that came about as a result of the failure that made the experience a valuable one? Sometimes when you re read your journal entries, you have an aha moment. And something you've been struggling with becomes crystal clear. You can save your journal entries or throw them away. Saving them and rereading them in the future can help you see how you've changed and grown. Throwing them away can be cathartic, too. You can burn them, erase them, shred them, flush them, or tear them into little pieces. When people allow themselves to investigate their mistakes and see what mistakes have to teach them, they increase their ability to be grateful for them as directions for future growth. 32. How and why did you become a perfectionist (part 4): When trying to overcome perfectionism, people sometimes limit themselves to identifying the events or situations that triggered it. By simply animating the past in your memory, you are just poking at a bruise. It hurts and doesn't help healing. That's why you need to learn from the past. Try to get insight. It's the turning point when you go from confusion to clarity, from stress to discovery. If what happened 20 years ago still causes you pain, it's time to change your thoughts and attitude about it. Think about your childlike beliefs. Most of them are not helpful anymore, so why stick to them? The same applies to irrelevant beliefs related to perfectionism. Perfectionism keeps you from experiencing joy and fullness of life. It blocks your true self. Here are some insights in this story. I was afraid of my father's punishments. I decided that if I behaved perfectly, he would not yell or take out the belt. All I really wanted was for my father to love and accept me for who I was. Now I understand that my father loved me in his own way. As a child, he never actually felt loved. So he didn't know how to properly express his own feelings. I can both work hard, providing for my family and enjoy the time spent with them. A major predictor of perfectionism is criticism from parents, teachers, and other figures of authority. Overly demanding and critical parents put a lot of pressure on kids to achieve. When parents themselves are overly concerned about making mistakes, the child can pick up on that and learn to model that same behavior. At the core, we all fear disapproval and rejection by our parents. It's something that we will go a long way to avoid. Oh if you are already a parent or hope to be one in the future, remember this, it's effort that should be praised in your kid, as opposed to intelligence or achievement. That energizes the child and has a much more positive emotional impact. Blaming your parents is not very helpful, and we can never know for sure how the problem developed initially. What is important is that we take responsibility for reducing the negative effect it has on our life now. And 33. Getting in touch with your feelings : Some experiences in our childhood may have taught us to suppress our emotions, to hide our pain. It can take us years to unlearn this harmful habit and give ourselves the permission to feel, the permission to be human. It is right for us to be sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling dispirited, scared, lonely, or anxious. It is okay to feel. The perfectionist rejects painful emotions that do not meet her expectation of an unwavering flow of positive feelings. She has a very rigid view of what her life and the lives of others should be like, and she rejects as unacceptable any deviation from that ideal. Life is fluid, changing and dynamic. Just as you accept failure as part of the human experience, you need to accept painful and pleasurable emotions as an inevitable consequence of being alive. Try to be open to what the world offers and embrace the variety of experiences and emotions by crying when you need to, sharing your feelings with friends or by writing about them in a diary. You need to include emotional ups, downs, and everything in between in your life. Many people hide and suppress their feelings, the pleasurable, as well as the painful ones. We may have been told that boys don't cry, that expressing pleasure at our accomplishments was evidence of unbecoming pride or that wanting something that someone else had was greedy. Feeling shy and nervous about opening ourselves up emotionally and physically was uncool and shameful. Unlearning the lessons of childhood is hard, and that's why it is difficult for so many of us to be vulnerable. 34. How to overcome unpleasant thoughts and feelings?: Reining in our emotions can be valuable. Failing to do so might result in rude comments, obscenities, or an uncontrolled flow of tears, whether from joy or misery. Fortunately, we learn to suppress our base instincts and hide our raw feelings. Communities, families, and relationships would fall apart if our emotions were always exposed. We all at some time have felt a primal emotion, be it envy, desire, anger toward a friend or colleague. If revealed, these feelings would have endangered our relationship with that person. But there are also side effects to suppressing our true feelings. While it's at times necessary to keep certain emotions out of sight when we are with others, it may be harmful to try to keep them out of mind when we are alone. We are taught that it is not okay to display our anxiety or to cry in public. So we hold our emotions back in private, as well. Anger does not win us friends, and over time, we lose our ability to express and experience anger altogether. We extinguish our anxiety, fear, and rage for the sake of being pleasant and easy to get along with. And in the process of getting others to accept us, we reject ourselves. The perfectionist rejects his emotions, not only by refusing to express them, but also by refusing to allow himself to experience them. Therefore, these emotions intensify, which is the opposite of what he intended. Rather than trying to suppress or avoid unwanted thoughts or anxiety producing topics, try to accept and express them. Allow yourself to think of the stuff that's bothering you. And then after a while, the thought would naturally go away, just as every thought eventually does. The attempt to actively suppress a thought, to fight it keeps it fresh and intense. Anxiety, anger, and envy intensify when we try to restrain or block their natural flow. Allow yourself to experience painful feelings. By doing so, these emotions are more likely to weaken and fade away. For example, if you stop trying to suppress your anxiety during public speech and allow yourself to feel nervous, when you accept your anxiety and give it permission to be, it'll start to weaken. But don't just pretend to accept anxiety. You have to truly accept your emotions for what they are and be willing to live with them. This means that you have to accept painful emotions even when they persist beyond your wants or wishes. Genuine acceptance is about acknowledging that you are upset and allowing yourself to feel it, even knowing that relief doesn't come right away. 35. Why are the perfectionists unhappy?: We spend most of our life engaged in the journey because the actual moments when we reach our destinations and achieve our goals are fleeting. If most of what we derive from the journey is unhappiness and pain, then our life as a whole is unhappy and painful. Perfectionists have a tendency to low self esteem because their fault finding is directed inward. They will manage to find something wrong, magnify it out of all proportion, and ruin any possibility of enjoying what they have or what they do. The potential for happiness is inside us and all around us. So is the potential for unhappiness. We all experience sadness at times, of course, but we should take each difficult experience in stride. Take this two shall pass approach to problems and focus on the experience of the journey. Life is not without its ups and downs. We all have moments of deep sadness and frustration, but our life need not be marred by the constant expectation of failure or the impact of actual failure. Perfectionist does not distinguish minor failures from major ones. As a result of obsessively worrying about these catastrophes that are just around the corner, the perfectionist experiences ongoing anxiety and sometimes panic. If you're more flexible and open to deviations, you are better able to cope with the ever changing environment. While you may struggle with change at times, you can still deal with the unpredictable and the uncertain. Look at change not as a threat, but a challenge. The unknown need not be frightening but fascinating. We can grow and lead richer, fuller lives by accepting the laws of human nature. And like it or not, painful emotions are part of that nature. Rather than trying to rid ourselves of our anxiety, we should try to induce further anxiety. We should encourage ourselves to feel more anxious, more nervous. Instead of fighting it, call forth more of it. As a result, because we allow the anxiety to flow freely through us, it weakens. Another way of dealing with anxiety is to imagine the worst case scenario. Imagine the worst event happening and concentrate on it as hard as you can. Do not avoid this thought or image, since avoiding it will defeat the whole purpose of dealing with anxiety. This way, you will fully experience the emotion and the discomfort that come with the imagined scenario. Only then proceed to next level and try to calm down and deal with the irrationality of your thoughts. While your anxiety initially intensifies as a result of worry exposure, anxiety levels soon drop below what they were originally. The more you look at anger, the more it disappears. When one genuinely looks at it, it suddenly loses its strength. The same applies to envy, sadness, anxiety, hate, and other painful emotions. Trying to get rid of depression in the usual problem solving way, trying to fix what's wrong with us just digs us in deeper. The solution to some of our psychological afflictions lies not in the fixing and doing, but in the accepting and being. Accepting our emotions means looking at them in a benign way, welcoming them as part of our nature as something interesting and worthy. It is important to distinguish between accepting painful emotions and ruminating on them. Acceptance involves gently being with the emotion. Rumination involves obsessively thinking about the emotion. Rather than having thoughts playing in an endless loop in our heads, we would be better off expressing our thoughts verbally or in writing. Expressing our thoughts and sharing our feelings in conversation with someone we trust can be as helpful as expressing them in writing. We can talk to a friend about our anger and anxiety, write in our journal about our fear or jealousy. Join a support group of people who are struggling with issues similar to ours. We should, when possible, provide a channel for the expression of our emotions. 36. How to overcome jealousy?: Certain feelings are inescapable. No person is free from the experience of jealousy, fear, anxiety, or anger. The real question is not whether we experience these feelings. We all do, but what we decide to do about them. Our first choice is whether to reject or accept our emotional reaction, whether to suppress or acknowledge that which is. Our second choice is whether to act on our initial impulse. For instance, to stop collaborating with people we're jealous of or to go beyond it. For example, by creating alliances with talented people, the second choice is made significantly easier if we choose to accept our feelings. Negative emotions intensify and are more likely to control us if we try to suppress them. When you're feeling envious of someone else, think about this. Her life probably isn't as great as it looks. The people who appear to have the most going for them often have major problems. But you don't see them because they are working so hard to appear perfect. It's their way of grasping for control. If we refuse to accept that we can be jealous of a friend, we are likely to behave badly toward him and then rationalize our behavior. If we do not accept that we are afraid to ask someone out, we are likely to avoid that person and then convince ourselves that we didn't really like her anyway. If you deny that your feelings toward your friend are driven by jealousy, you may look for an alternative explanation for your discomfort around him. We are creatures of feeling and reason. And once we feel a certain way, we have the need to find a reason for our feeling. Rather than dealing with the real reason for your emotional reaction or admitting to feelings you do not approve of, you will probably justify your discomfort around him by finding fault with him. To avoid thinking ill of ourselves, we often condemn the people we have wronged. We pollute our environment with our unacknowledged thoughts and feelings. If you deny your jealousy towards somebody, you are more likely to blame him and others for being jealous. By suppressing your real feelings, you may harm yourself, your friend, and your relationship. We may not like the weather, but weather in itself is neither good nor bad. It simply is. Similarly, we may not like feeling fear, but the feeling itself is neither good nor bad. It, too, simply is. Feeling jealousy toward your friend does not make you a bad friend. If, however, you jeopardize your friend's success because of your jealousy, then you are a bad friend. It is okay to feel anxious when you meet a person you would very much like to go out with. It is not okay running away from something you very much want because you fear being turned down. Acceptance is about recognizing things as they are, and then choosing the course of action we deem appropriate and worthy of ourselves. At every moment in our life, we have a choice to be afraid and yet to act courageously, to feel jealous and yet to act benevolently. We all have a baseline for happiness. Having something very good happen may lift you above your baseline for a while, but you'll eventually return to your previous happiness level. Same is true if you suffer a trauma. You'll struggle for a while, but you'll probably return to your pre trauma happiness level. People are amazingly resilient in that way. That doesn't mean you're stuck with your current happiness level. You can raise it. By teaching yourself to focus on the positive rather than the negative, and by learning to curb perfectionism tendencies and be less critical of yourself, you can feel happier on an everyday basis. 37. What are your expectations of life?: Did you feel depressed or slack when something you wished for did not realize? Inflexible expectations, like your idea about how a company should treat its employees, can make you unhappy and deeply disappointed. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best. The problem is with your reaction to unachieved goals and unmet expectations. Perfectionists like conditional constructions. If I make X, I will get Y. Therefore, many perfectionism loved predictability at school. If I learn my lessons, then I will pass the exam with excellence. And usually, the predictions associated with studies and grades came true. They also have these kinds of attitude in other areas. Like if I work out five days a week, I'll lose weight. If I achieve this goal, I will be happy. If I keep going on dates, I will find my soul mate. If I work hard, I will be promoted. Rationally, we understand that life cannot always go the way we want, and it is frustrating. But for perfectionists, any deviations from the expected result can be unbearable. Parents want to see their children successful, and there's nothing wrong with that. But if they put too much pressure on the child, the consequences may be unpleasant. When we allow children to make mistakes, they learn to cope with unexpected results and solve problems to achieve their goals. Let them play, fantasize, be passionately involved in their activities and studies. They need to understand that even when expectations are not met, they can still get results. A mistake does not mean that you need to quit everything. You can learn from mistakes, and failure does not mean that you are a loser. Perfectionism is an attitude, and we can begin to change it through our behavior by taking risks, being open rather than defensive, falling down and getting up again. Think of something you would like to do, but have always been reluctant to try for fear of failing. Then go ahead and do it. Audition for a part in a play. Start writing that book you've always wanted to write. Try out for a sports team. Ask someone out on a date. Ask for feedback and help or admit your mistakes. 38. What do you expect from other people?: We all have some rules about how, in our opinion life should be. For example, ideas about how a loving spouse, a caring friend or successful person must behave. These rules affect our perception of ourselves and others, our feelings, reactions, and outlook. In our head, we perceive these expectations not as rules, but as facts. These beliefs are so strong that we sometimes forget that they are our interpretations, not the truth. For us, they are inflexible and unshakable. We often do not even realize that they exist, at least until the rule is violated. For example, Jane has a rule or a conviction that men who spend time with their friends do not want to spend it with their wives. In her opinion, a loving husband should always want to be around without any exceptions, even if he likes watching football with friends. When we think that someone must do something, we feel angry and indignant towards this person. For example, you think that your husband should walk your dog since you've been working the whole day. But if your spouse doesn't jump at the opportunity, you'll be upset. If you stop using the words like must or have to, you will notice your emotional and physical well being, relationships, and even work improve. How do you think a true friend, a loving spouse or good people should behave? What beliefs do you hold about the behavior of sales representatives, politicians, strangers? Our rules are rooted in our subconscious so deeply that they seem like facts to us, rather than the subjective attitudes they really are. If you ask someone about their rules and policies, they'll probably have no idea what you're talking about. The real problem is the way we react to the violation of our beliefs as if they were real, as if everyone knows about them and accepts them. 39. How to stop judging people?: Perfectionists have even more rules for themselves. I should be more successful. I should be in better shape. I should help my neighbors. I should have known this. I should sleep more. I should always look presentable. I should be able to do more in a day. I should be happier. I must keep my house clean. My mom should help me and support me. Families must get together more. When their rules are broken, perfectionists react very violently. They are prone to bouts of depression, outbursts of anger and mental breakdowns. They either openly express fury or suppress it. They isolate themselves. They stop trying and give up. They swear it will never happen to them again. They eat too much or engage in some unhealthy activity. Expectations help us get a picture of what might happen in future and thus give a sense of control in an unpredictable world. If you believe that by making X, you will achieve Y, and that's exactly what happens, it is very satisfying. You feel comfortable and safe knowing what will occur. For perfectionists, unpredictability is like losing control, and losing control is scary. You understand that you have absolutely no control over what is happening, and you can't do anything to improve the situation. This increases stress, depressed mood, and the desire to give up. That is why we lose our temper when somebody is running late. The perfectionist tends to take everything personally. He thinks that the company's refusal to employ him has nothing to do with job requirements or company policy. The only reason is that he is not good enough. Or if her husband wishes to spend time with his friends, it means that he doesn't love her. Perfectionists tend to be very judgmental and disapproving. They easily judge everybody who does not meet their standards, including themselves. In fact, self criticism is the reason why they severely judge others. If you constantly criticize yourself, you will definitely criticize others. Criticism is simply your form of thinking. Your rules describe your attitude to yourself. When you judge someone, you define yourself, not that person. Some people think that judgments help them to distinguish right from wrong. If they don't judge, they won't know how to act. However, there is a difference between analyzing and judging. Analysis means the ability to see things clearly, highlighting common and distinctive features in different situations. Judgment, however, goes further, assessing the event as bad or good. In order to give up judging, you need to get rid of the words like must. Try replacing it with, I would like to, or it would be good. Great, deal if. Replacing the word have to with a more neutral one immediately removes the sense of condemnation. It is important to understand that you cannot always control what is happening. The prospect of losing your job can be depressing. It can make you feel helpless. Ask yourself what you can do to feel better in that situation. 40. What happens if you lose your job?: The perfectionist has this idea that work that is not done perfectly is not worth doing at all. To do something perfectly, assuming perfection is even possible, often requires extraordinary effort. So the perfectionism comes at a high price. Not all jobs are equally important and not all require equal attention. For instance, making sure that everything is correct before launching a spacecraft is clearly critical and nothing short of perfect work should be tolerated. However, it may be less appropriate for you to fuss for a long while over the colors of a chart on an internal memo. What bothers perfectionists most about potential layoffs is the lack of control. It's disturbing to know that at any time, despite your performance, you could be laid off because of events that are outside your control, such as your company's merger with another company. When this anxiety flares up, think of it this way. Although you don't always have the power to control life events, you do have the power to control how you react to them. You can't control whether you are laid off, but you can control your response to a layoff. You can decide right now don't wait for a layoff to occur, that if you lose your job, you will make the best of the situation. Consider it an opportunity for positive change and refuse to let it ruin your life. Make up your mind that although a layoff might cause financial and career related difficulties, you firmly believe that you will find ways to wring some benefits from it, even if you have no idea right now what the benefits might be. If you focus on what you can control, your reaction, you can reduce the anxiety produced by events like this. Whenever you lose control over the situation, remind yourself that you always have a choice, and there is always a way out. Take a break and breathe deeply. Although we can't always control what happens, we can always choose how to react to the situation. Most of our time is spent either thinking about the future or the past, and we forget to enjoy the moments that make up the journey. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow has yet to arrive. This moment is the only one that is real. Resolve to take time to appreciate more the simple things in life. Enjoy the changing seasons, the smell of hot coffee, snuggling down in a warm bed. Take pleasure from those things that appeal to the senses. Tune in to the wonders around you. 41. Why are you not pleased with yourself?: Life is fraught with struggles, difficulties, and disappointments. Are you able to find pleasure in the journey without losing focus on your destination? Can you learn and grow from adversity? Can you savor and take pleasure in adventures while keeping an eye on your eventual goal? Do you take your success for granted? Do you dismiss your accomplishment as insignificant? While other people see them as an astounding success, perfectionists mostly reject success, either before it is attained by setting excessively high standards or after it is attained by failing to appreciate it. The desire to improve is part of human nature, and it serves us well, as it is responsible for personal and societal progress. Taken to the extreme, however, it can harm more than it helps. Sometimes we are too obsessed with improving everything around us, beginning with our house and ending with ourselves. Regardless of talent, looks or good fortune, we feel inadequate and in need of some extra genius. Our constant dissatisfaction condemns us to constant displeasure. For as long as we are human, there is always room for improvement. And even a perfect result only satisfies us temporarily until the next competition. Whenever the perfectionism performs well, the sense of satisfaction is fleeting, and she immediately sets her sights on the next achievement. Nothing is ever enough. If we are ambitious, if we constantly and relentlessly increase our expectations of ourselves, we are doomed to low self esteem and negative feelings. For example, if you aspire to win Olympic gold and actually take home the silver, your self esteem will drop. But if all you aspire to is participating in the Olympics and you end up winning a silver medal, your self esteem will rise. For happiness and success, we need to engage in activities that are neither too easy nor too difficult. If we are not challenged enough, we become bored. If our aspirations are overly ambitious, we become anxious. While stretching ourselves, pushing ourselves to greater heights can be a good thing. There is a point beyond which it becomes a bad thing. We need to accept that our limits are real. Find that balance between high hopes and harsh reality. The perfectionist has expectations of himself and sets himself targets that cannot be met. You need to set high goals that are difficult but attainable. 42. Are you a negative or a positive person?: Usually, perfectionists have a work life imbalance. They try to attain perfection in every area of life, which inevitably leads to compromise and frustration. Given the real constraints of time, it really is impossible to do it all or to have it all. There are legions of perfectionists who, despite being wealthy, healthy, famous, and gorgeous, are unhappy. Wealth, prestige, and other measures of success have very little to do with our levels of well being. Happiness is mainly in our state of mind, rather than in our status or the state of our bank account. Once our basic needs are met, needs such as food, shelter and education, our level of well being is determined by what we choose to focus on and by our interpretation of external events. Do we see the glass as half empty or half full? Do we appreciate and enjoy what we have? Or do we take it for granted and dismiss it? For example, if you are giving a speech and one person in the audience is asleep, focusing your attention exclusively on the sleeping person to the exclusion of all the other people in the room is tunnel vision. Conversely, if 19 of them are asleep and only one is listening to what you have to say, concluding that your lecture was a success because one student was intellectually engaged is also a form of tunnel vision. Perfectionists engage in negative tunnel vision. They dismiss the good in their lives while giving center stage to the bad. Try to appreciate life as a whole, yourself, your successes, and even your failures. Try to perceive failures as opportunities for learning and growing. Enjoy what you have. There are no easy formulas for finding the optimal balance. Moreover, our needs and wants change over time as we change and as our situation changes. Be attentive to your inner needs and wants, as well as to the external constraints. It's okay to let go of traditions that don't make sense anymore. You don't have to wait for a major tragedy or life event to give yourself permission. It's also okay to put your own needs first sometimes. Even if doing so disappoints 100 people. They'll get over it. Changing habits, traditions, and routines is not a sign of weakness or imperfection. 43. Avoiding risks: People with perfectionist traits see any form of failure as a catastrophe, a natural disaster which must be avoided at any cost. They are not familiar with acceptance and gratitude. In contrast, successful people are driven by passion. It's not about what they must or can do. It's about what they want to do, what they are passionate about. Feeling constantly anxious because of a possible failure, perfectionists spend hours of mental and physical energy to prevent it. Their greatest fear is letting others see their failure. Trying to minimize unwanted results, we produce more negative energy. We worry about what will happen, anxiously think about what to do in the worst case scenario, and we hesitate while making decisions. In short, we get stressed out, and stress can result in burnout, anxiety, insomnia, and other psychological problems. By concentrating on what we want, we motivate and inspire ourselves to change for the better, not because we have to, but because we desire it. Did you ever suffer from a failure that turned out to be something good? Perhaps you quarreled with your boss, got fired. But after some time, you found a better job or started your own business. Did you see a situation like a catastrophe, but later you looked at it as a blessing. Maybe you broke up with someone you loved and later met an even more suitable person. Failure can be a tool for future success if we allow it. Perfectionists fear of failure can also be shown in her refusal to risk excessive diligence and indecision. They can endlessly postpone something or give it up completely. They may not take up the important project because they worry about failing it. They can turn down the promotion because they might fail to meet responsibilities. They might not even submit an application for participation in a program for fear of being rejected. A perfectionist always prefers certainty to risk, even if that certainty is not as attractive as a possible gain. That's why his life is less fulfilling than it could be. To overcome the anxiety of public speaking, you need to keep the main idea in your head and learn to communicate it to the audience instead of trembling over every single word. Focus on delivering your message and helping as many people as possible with it. Besides, perfection is boring, especially when it comes to presentations. A perfectly delivered speech may sound unnatural or too memorized. The best way to convey information is to be yourself and speak from the heart. 44. How to react to criticism and forgive?: When a close friend, boss or even a stranger criticizes the perfectionist, the latter can react in one of two ways. One, he is right. I am a complete loser. Two, she has no idea what she is talking about. What a loser. How about listening to the comment and assessing its usefulness as objectively as possible? It is very difficult, but try to assume that the person has good intentions and does not want to hurt you. And then ask yourself, maybe that person truly believes that he is right? If what she says is true, then how can I use it? Instead of getting all defensive or blaming yourself, use this information to achieve a better result. When someone criticizes you, it's because they may be tired or annoyed and therefore concentrate on the negative. Or they sincerely want to help you improve. Maybe you remind them of someone from the past, and it affects your communication. Therefore, when someone upsets you, remember that there can be various reasons for that. Try not to take someone else's negative feedback too personally. In most cases, it has nothing to do with you. In psychology, forgiveness means the ability to stop feeling anger and resentment about what happened. To forgive yourself means to get rid of guilt and shame. Learning to forgive is extremely important for moving on, because forgiveness eliminates the sense of failure. Without forgiveness, we get stuck in the past. Forgiveness allows us to learn from what happened. It doesn't mean that you must ignore and justify the incident or say that nothing terrible has happened. It doesn't mean that someone can get away with it or you can avoid responsibility. You don't have to put up with the situation or forget about it. Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else. No one has to ask forgiveness in order for you to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting what happened, no matter how hurtful it was. You are not trying to change what has already happened. You let go of anger, feelings of guilt and shame. You allow yourself to learn from the past and make positive changes in the present. In other words, you let go of the past, but use the experience for your own benefit. To forgive yourself, others and circumstances is extremely important for personal growth. You cannot change the past, but you can influence the present and learn from your mistakes. Although it was a challenging situation, you can find something good in it. It made you stronger and more resilient. And. 45. How to accept reality and circumstances?: Instead of saying, I refuse to feel sad, or I will not accept failure. Say, I do not like feeling sad, but I accept this emotion as natural. I dislike failure, but I accept the fact that some failure is inevitable. It acknowledges the primacy of the reality that we experience and observe. Human flaws are inevitable, and the best we can do is to accept our nature, its constraints, its imperfectibility, and then optimize the outcome based on what we have. The refusal to accept painful emotions is a rejection of our nature. It is the belief that human nature can be modified, improved, perfected. The healthy thing is to recognize that human nature has certain constraints. We have instincts, inclinations, and to make the most of our nature, we need to accept it for what it is. The notion that we can enjoy unlimited success or live without emotional pain and failure may be an inspiring ideal, but it is not a principle by which to lead one's life. In the long run, it leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. If it is important for me to see myself as brave, I may refuse to accept that I sometimes feel fear. If I think of myself as generous, it may be hard for me to accept feelings of envy. But if I am to enjoy psychological health, I need, first of all, to accept that I feel the way I do. I need to respect reality. Self acceptance is the foundation of a healthy and happy psychology. H. Many people have been taught not to recognize what their feelings are. When they hated, they were told it was only dislike. When they were afraid, they were told there was nothing to be afraid of. When they felt pain, they were advised to be brave and smile. We have never been told the truth that hate is hate, that fear is fear. When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, they can't listen to anyone. They cannot accept advice, consolation, or constructive criticism. They just want to be understood. A child's strong feelings do not disappear when we tell them it is not nice to feel that way or when the parent tries to convince them that they have no reason to feel that way. Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished. They do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding. To dispel sadness or anger, it is often enough to say, I see that you are really sad about what just happened. Or it seems to me that you are really feeling angry. This is true not only for children, but also for adults. If emotions are running high, when we interact with our children, our partners, or anyone else, including ourselves, acknowledging the feelings that are present is often the best thing to do. This can mean holding in check the inclination to help, to preach, teach, or offer advice. Of course, genuine acceptance of our own or others feelings does not resolve everything. Nonetheless, acceptance is an important first step. 46. How to deal with grief, pain and loss?: And extreme positive and negative emotional experiences provide the opportunity for growth. They do not automatically induce growth. To seize this opportunity, we need to openly embrace the emotions that these experiences elicit. The perfectionist is rigid and unyielding. He suppresses painful feelings in his ongoing attempt to sustain the unbroken flow of positive emotions. Her closed mindedness and closed heartedness lead to stagnation. The more people talk to others about their pain and loss, the fewer health problems they report having. We are healed of suffering only by expressing it to the full. Those who do not express their emotions following the death of their loved ones suffer from longer lasting and more severe symptoms. Mourners are better off going through the emotions, feeling the pain when it naturally arises, and then expressing it in words and tears. Those who experience loss are often distracted from their pain by well meaning people who encourage them to stop crying over the dead and get on with their lives or by doctors who prescribe antidepressants. Such strategies usually only prolong the grieving process and the pain. But some processes cannot be rushed and need to be allowed to unfold at their natural pace. By focusing on a painful emotion, accepting it with an open heart and mind and letting it flow through us, we can help it dissolve, disappear. For example, if you get extremely nervous in front of an audience, imagine yourself getting on stage. If you lost someone and time has not healed the pain, imagine yourself sitting next to the deceased or saying goodbye to them. You can also bring up certain emotions from insecurity to sadness by thinking about them without imagining a particular situation. Once the emotion comes up, just stay with the experience for a few minutes without trying to change it. 47. Why do we worry so much?: Perfectionism comes with the desire to take on only those tasks that are guaranteed to be successful. And it's not that we are afraid of hard work. Perfectionists are known to be workaholics. They are just very afraid of failure. University graduates who were told that their success was due to hard work were more likely to keep working hard. They succeeded even in more complex tasks. In contrast, the students who were told that they had succeeded because of their intellectual abilities were less persistent, attributing undesirable results to the lack of skills. They rarely took up more difficult tasks. Perfectionists tend to drag things out. They constantly ruminate about things that happened or will happen. That's why they either focus in the past or worry about the future. It is difficult for a perfectionist to let go of the situation and accept what has already happened. Thinking about the events of the past and blaming ourselves or others for something that cannot be changed is not helpful. It is very important to learn from past experience, but it is equally important to accept what has happened and not resist it. Let's say that the project you've been working on didn't succeed. Instead of ruminating about the failure, try asking yourself the right questions and getting the information to make improvements. If a company's sales are lower than expected, no one gets stuck on the fact of failure. People are trying to figure out how to improve the situation next month. The perfectionist worries a lot about the future. If you advise them to stop worrying, they will look as if you'd ask them to stop eating. They believe that worrying helps them prepare for what may happen. They may even have superstitious thoughts about it, believing that if they worry, it won't happen. It's like thinking, if I take an umbrella, it won't rain. But nothing supports this idea. There is no guarantee that your preparation will work. So don't cross the bridge until you come to it. 48. How to be mindful?: Instead of ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, be present. Be mindful of what is happening here and now. Try to calm the negative chatter in your mind. Focus on what is around you and within you. Experience what is happening at this very moment. We spend so much time planning or worrying about the future and regretting the past that we often forget to appreciate the present. Mindfulness allows you to learn to live in the here and now rather than the past or future. You can be mindful anytime while you're eating, walking, cooking, cleaning, making love, driving, and so on. To practice living mindfully, set aside times each day when you consciously stop and focus on what's going on at that moment while you're waiting for your train to work in the morning before each meal, when you arrive at and depart from work, take a few breaths and center yourself. Notice what's going on around you. Use all of your senses. Smell the aroma of grass and trees. Notice the houses you pass and the people you see. Really listen to the sounds of birds, dogs, lawnmowers, or the sound of snow crunching under your boots. Be aware of the sounds of cars and buses, the smell of restaurants you pass, and the faces of the people you see. By doing so, you begin to build a habit of appreciating what's going on in the present moment. You can do anything mindfully. Even when you're going through a difficult experience, mindfulness allows you to savor what's good and put suffering in perspective. Try to stay present. When other thoughts enter your mind, gently acknowledge them and then let them go as you bring yourself back to the present moment. Try to carry that mindfulness with you for the rest of the day. 49. How did your parents made you a perfectionist?: Children who grow up believing they are not living up to expectations, may experience low self-esteem. They may spend so much time on school projects that they can't get their work done on time. Or they may stop trying to succeed because they feel that no matter what, they will never do well enough to satisfy their parents. Perfectionist parents may expect top academic achievements and superlative athletic performance. Unfortunately, the underside of these expectations is disappointment. Why disappointed when children are not attractive enough, not popular enough, not smart enough. When we're sending the message, I want you to be the best. Our children may instead here the message, you are not good enough. Some perfectionist parents criticize their kids for everything. Others go to the opposite extreme. Praising everything they do. These can backfire because it can create kids who are spoiled, self-centered, and poorly prepared for the inevitable rejections, failures, challenges, and hardships of real life. It's going to also contribute to depression later in their lives. When you think of your child's achievements as your achievements and his failures as your failures. Flashing lights should go off in your head. Those are clear signs of perfectionist parenting. Some of us want our kids to be perfect because we feel that if they fail, we fail. If they can't get along well with other kids, they dropped debatable and the other team wins the game. If they bring home a poor report card. If they are diagnosed with a learning disability, if they don't get into an Ivy League college. It brings us down to if a fiction is to parent may press a child to succeed in an area in which the parent failed. The classic examples of this are the homely mother pushing her daughter to win a beauty pageant or a klutzy father, expecting his son to be a star athlete. It takes a lot of self-control not to project your own ego, wants and needs on your child. 50. How to be a good parent – myths and truths: Perfectionist parents are very critical of themselves and their children and are unable to tolerate mistakes of any kind, including genuine accidents. If your child spills his milk and you call him clumsy, you can cause a lot of emotional damage. Patterns should love their children unconditionally. It's incredibly harmful When a child feels that her parents laugh is tied to hurt performance or appearance. The myth of the perfect parents is that your children's needs always come before your own. Obviously, there are times when your child needs something and you immediately drop what you are doing to help him. But there are other times when your child has to get in line and the weight is turned in, no family should the needs of the children always come before the needs of the adults? Woman squelch their own needs for 18 years or more because they wanted to be a perfect mother. And in their minds, it perfect mother always puts a children first. Not that you wouldn't work three jobs to put a roof over your kid's head and food on the table. It's about a woman make a date to go out to dinner with friends and cancel at the last minute because they are kids. Don't want them to live. If the child has 102 degree fever, fine. But if you feel that you have to give in to every one of your child's demands to meet the expectations of so-called Perfect Motherhood. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. You deserve self-care. Some others won't leave their child. Was a babysitter. What message does that send the kid? Onto the egocentric enough without their parents making them the complete and total center of their world. When babies are born, they are an ego in a diaper, seven-and-a-half pounds of pure need. Their parent's job to teach them that everyone's feelings calm and not just there's our job as parents is to raise our children, to be happy, successful, and productive members of society, not the king or queen of the world. The best parent is the one who balances his needs and the needs of his family, who is able to set limits for kids, who is a healthy role model for his kids, and who takes, as well as gifts. If you have unrealistically high expectations for yourself and try never to let your children see you make a mistake. You are telling them that perfection is the only option for you. And for them. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it. And if the situation warrants, apologize, but don't hide it from your children. And to lead them to believe that you are perfect. If you go into parenthood, expecting it to be an always joyful, always rewarding experience. And if you criticize yourself as being not good enough parent because of the frustration and inpatients, you sometimes feel. You are living in a fantasy world. Of course, you love your children, but don't expect yourself to like them all the time. It's normal to have days when you feel like sending them off to boarding school. If you expect that being a mother will fulfill you're completely or that failure to enjoy every minute of parenthood means you are a terrible parent. You are likely to be disappointed and stressed. Tried to let go of this myth. Some perfectionist feel that if they have to say no to a child, discipline a child, or limit the child in any way. It's proof that they are bad parents. In an effort to feel like good parents, they let the children run the family. They said no limits at all. This is confusing and upsetting to children. They thrive on having limits and boundaries clearly defined. It's good for a child to experience sadness, jealousy, anger, and other difficult feelings so she can learn how to handle them. If you, in your perfectionist, parents tried to raise a child who never knows anything but happiness. You sit him up for a difficult adulthood in does way more harm than good. Having unlimited freedom can provoke tremendous anxiety in children. Kids have to learn from an early age that failure happens to everyone. You deal with it and move on. Asking a child to do things she dislikes doesn't make you a bad parent either. It helps build a better child. Establish reasonable rules based on your child's age, and stick to them. Even a two-year-old can learn to put toys away. Kids can clean their rooms, empty the dishwasher, walk the dog, take care of the yard. It teach them responsibility. Remember though, when you ask a child to do a job, keep your perfectionism in check when you are inspecting the work. Don't pounds on your seven year old. If she puts the forks part of the drawer reserved for spoons, show her where the forks belong and praise her for her effort. Self-blame solves nothing. So don't waste your energy on it. No matter how good it Aren't you are. So many things are out of your control. Things just happen no matter how well with current how you handle the ADHD diagnosis will influence how your child handles it. You can pull your hair out over it or you can be grateful it was diagonals and can now be placed into a learning environment that meets these needs. You need to use your energy helping him, rather than blaming yourself for not being a perfect mother was a perfect son. Having an imperfect child does not make you a bad parent. It just makes you a parent. There is almost always more than one right way to do something. As a parent. You may feel that allowing your children to see you fail hurts them. But in reality, the opposite is true. Point out your mistakes and explain how you handle them. If you come late, set out to rectify the situation, you teach your child it much more helpful lesson than you do if you ignore it, hide it, become angry over it, or over criticize yourself or your children, never see your fail. They will assume that they should never fail either. It's so tempting to push your children into doing what you love rather than what they love. Music loving dad pushes his son to play the violin, even though it would rather play on the hockey team. A mom who loves to write next or daughter to work on the school paper, even though she would rather join the math team. You have to recognize that your kids have strengths and weaknesses. Let them develop in their own way, guided by their own needs, interests, and strengths. If your child gets a 75% on a test that he worked hard studying for, it means that he knew 75% of the material. Focus on that rather than on the twenty-five percent, you didn't know. 51. How to raise a non-perfectionist child?: For a person with a fixed mindset, hard work is straightening. It indicates that her abilities are limited and that by extension, she is, after all, if shiver Gifted and Talented, then she wouldn't need to work. Not wanting to appear deficient. And because she believes that nothing can be done to remedy a deficiency, she constantly feels the pressure to prove to herself and others how smart, competent, and perfect. She is. Hard work is not only necessary, it can also be fun and exciting. Rather than trying to prove yourself constantly. Your primary focus can be learning, developing, and realizing your potential. This is the path to being happier and more successful person. The need to prove to yourself and to others how smart you are is a heavy burden to carry. We need to praise children for the efforts for that which is under their control, rather than for their intelligence, which is not. Parents think that they can hand children permanent confidence, like a gift, praising their brains and talent. But it doesn't work. It makes children doubt themselves. As soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong. Instead, parents can teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and coupon learning. Praising intelligence in genders, the belief that being truly intelligent ought to preclude the possibility of failure. In contrast, praising effort shifts the focus to the journey and away from outcome. Whether 116 or fails matters less than whether or not one works hard. Perfectionist tends to catastrophize failure when it does happen. Instead of proceeding failure as an opportunity for growth and development. It is important to emphasize due process. The harder you work, the effort, the enjoyment of the journey. That's less than the row achievement, and the outcome. Telling children how smart they are leads to a short-term high. While in the long term, it hurts the child's motivation, performance, and well-being. Parents and teachers should constantly be asking children what they learned from others, from books, from their own mistakes and successes, not what prizes and the grades they received and what the competition was like. Children also have to understand that they don't have to be the best at everything. And that just having fun is a legitimate reason for doing something. At the same time. If they do want to Excel, then effort is necessary, which does not preclude the possibility of having fun along the way. Ability, malleable, ups and downs are natural. And was effort. We can improve. 52. How to stop demanding perfection?: We all have positive and negative aspects to us. And we're all fallible. Learning to accept yourself and others, warts and all isn't important to listen in life. Accepting that nothing is certain, nothing is perfect, is important. If you are to live a fulfilling life without unnecessary pain. You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, or you can aim to be human and imperfect and feel empowered and enriched my life. Even if your performance doesn't reach the highest standard, the situation is likely to be manageable. You can practice by deliberately putting yourself in situations where you would previously, I felt ashamed or anxious. For example, leave the house and tidy when you go to work. When playing sport. Deliberately miss a shot or lose image. Invite friends over and provide food. That is okay. Rather than perfect. Show up for a meeting with your boss the wrong time. Send an email without checking it. Do a good enough job on a piece of work. Go to work without ironing your shirt or putting on makeup. Take comfort from the knowledge that each time you do expose yourself, you are getting closer to your goal of reducing the anxiety. You may feel more stressed or irritable temporarily, but gradually the discomfort will reduce. If you want to do things more slowly, you can try graded exposure. Instead of going straight for the most anxiety provoking situation. Build up to it by trying easier versions. First, work at giving up control. Being over-controlling, irrational, and worn out of deep-seated insecurity. It tends to make us increasingly rigid and judgmental in our attitudes. And that makes us difficult to work with. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to change long-standing habits, but little by little, you will find it gets easier. Keep the big picture in mind. That means being careful to notice when you are becoming too bogged down in the detail. Get into the habit of sending back and rechecking priorities. Ask yourself, what's the best use of my time right now? Take your not to be too demanding or judgmental of others. If you are prone to this, remind yourself of the need to be realistic and reasonable. We're all fallible. And if you can modify this behavior, you will find others much more willing to cooperate with. You. Never, ever humiliate anyone on your staff team. If you are annoyed with someone in your team or they have done something wrong, make sure you keep your cool. If you humiliate or patronize or criticize excessively, he or she will hold a grudge against you for a long time and their work will suffer to. This type of behavior spreads you feeling in Teams, creating a negative atmosphere and reduce productivity. Remember that you are likely to feel some anxiety whilst making this change. But that is simply a sign that you are making progress. If it feels uncomfortable, remind yourself that it will get easier and benefits will make it all worthwhile. Focus on the other person, not yourself. Ask them questions and really listen to them. People generally love talking about themselves. After all, it's the subject they know well. When we show that we are interested in others, usually find us really interesting too. 53. Why do you belittle your achievements?: Perfectionist mindset is based on extremes. When people, events, and circumstances are seen only in black and white terms. All or nothing, excellence or failure. For example, I stopped eating chocolate chips and deserts. No more junk food and alcohol. And I'm going to the gym every day. I have already ruined my diet. So why bother working out? I can eat anything. I haven't succeeded in the past. So why try again? I will spoil everything. Perfectionist often personalize this failure. Thinking. If what I do fails, then I myself am a loser. If you tell him to relax and stop worrying about everything. He knows you are right. But still, deep in his heart, he thinks if the result is not perfect, the whole thing will fail. And if the job fails, then I am a loser. It's all about their self-esteem and dignity. They are extreme way of thinking is reflected in mind-reading, minimizing achievements and labeling. They believe that they know what others are thinking of them. Even reaching a high bar, the perfectionist will hardly say, wow, I made it. Instead. She thinks it turned out okay. Now, I need to focus on the next goal. When someone says, great job, she answers. Yes, but it was not difficult at all. Anyone could do it. She feels uneasy when others congratulate her on the success. This happens for two main reasons. First, we don't wish to celebrate until the job is done perfectly. It is inappropriate to celebrate something which is not complete yet. Second, we do not want to brag. We think that if we let others praise our work, they will consider us upstarts. We don't want people to think that, well are considered. Being proud of your achievements is not the same as bragging. We were taught that bragging is bad. As a result, many people come to conclusion that it is not good to rejoice at their success or to display joy to others. Next time, when someone compliments or congratulates you, do not deny your merits. Simply say, thank you. Allow yourself to feel gratitude or kind words and for your achievement. Let's say your friend wants to be a manager in the company of his dreams when he is finally hired. Will you say that's good? But you still have to go a long way up the career ladder. Probably not. He will share his joy and advise him to keep going towards his goal. So treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. 54. The words you use affect your life choices: Words expressing extremes make us think in extremes. These kinds of words provoke unnecessary stress and undesirable behavior. When we are convinced of something about ourselves, it affects our thoughts, actions, feelings. At some point, you will get what you believe in. Even if you don't want it. Diverts, we use affect what we do, even if we don't realize it. Thinking in black and white categories distorts reality. In fact, there are very few real extremes in life because we're all human. It good person can sometimes do something bad and a bad one can do something good. Unpleasant moments can happen in good relationships. And pleasant moments in unhealthy ones. We can divide our partner's personality traits into black and white. Good or bad. Have these kinds of salts ever come to your mind? It's not working and it never will. I give up. This isn't going the way I planned. It's a waste of time. My relationships always get off to a good start and then everything falls apart. I don't need this anymore. My husband never helps around the house. I don't want this relationship anymore. Life events are not all painted black or white, but rather have one of the shades of gray. If a person who has all or nothing thinking starts to choose her words wisely, x and Cs developed, avoiding extremes or stress level will decrease and her self-confidence will increase. 55. Reaching your goals without extremities: Whenever you use a word which indicates an extremity, replace the word with a less radical one. Think about at least three statements disproving your negative thought. For example, here is a radical statement. Nobody will go on a date with me. New statement is, I prefer to concentrate on positive sides and be open to new encounters. Three facts that contradict your old statement. Might relationships used to end before, but then I had new ones. I learned a lot from past mistakes. I can use this knowledge in the future. I noticed that people like positive attitude. If you want to change your eating habits, start with small things. Don't make big statements. Don't swear that you will renounce chocolate chips and deserts forever. Instead, gradually balanced your diet. Replacing junk food was healthy one. You will start to lose weight without feeling deprived. Eat some chocolate if you want to. Do not beat yourself up for that. He did and enjoy every slice. Just pay more attention the calorie content of the food you eat for the rest of the day. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, you will have to take a lot of steps, enjoy each of them, and don't forget about the big goal. Concentrating on why you want to reach your goal will help you stay on track. Focus on the reasons that make you do what you do, and not on the obstacles and hardships that you have to endure. For example, if you are trying to lose a few pounds and see your steps to the goal as depriving yourself of some pleasures. You will probably crave those products that are excluded from your menu. Our brain tends to stick to the negative. Perfectionist believed that they must cope with everything and to do it independently. Often, they tend to psychologically isolate themselves from others. They are by resigning themselves to loneliness. Trying to cope with all the difficulties alone can lead to depression. You can be honest about how you are doing and at the same time, stay positive with others. You don't have to share every little trouble with the world. This is another extreme. But you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with people you trust. Meet a friend or a counselor. 56. Do you compare yourself to others?: In an effort to be of a better opinion of themselves, perfectionist spend a lot of time comparing themselves and their achievements with others. They define and evaluate themselves in relation to others. They get competitive. Me or them. When comparing perfectionists, often judging themselves negatively. And while this pressure motivates them to work even harder, the inner critic provokes stress, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, and suppressed creativity. This is how the perfectionist things. If I win, they lose. If they win, I lose. In the end. If others lose, perfectionist feel better, at least temporarily, even if the event has nothing to do with them. If things are better for me than for her, then I'm fine. If she's doing better than me, then I am a loser. Have you ever been to a high school reunion and secretly glowed that you look better than others or get upset because others looked better than you. That's the voice of your inner critic. The reason for such competitiveness is low self-esteem. Trying to feel better about herself. The perfectionist asserts herself and builds self-esteem at the expense of other people's failures. Perfectionist are willing to give up something good just so that others will get other people's downfall becomes our victory. Looking at a photo of a celebrity without makeup, we think she looks terrible. Even I look better without makeup. Like if someone else looks imperfect, this makes us more beautiful. In reality, celebrities, appearances have nothing to do with us. We do not depend on them in any way. That is enough. Beauty in the world, as well as money, health, prosperity, and well-being. But perfectionist have a sense of shortage. It's either me or them. Have you ever felt better when something didn't work for others or rejoiced at other people's failures. Maybe you secretly wanted someone to fail, especially the person with whom you're constantly compete in your head. The fact that you feel better when others do not succeed does not make you a bad person. So do not blame yourself. Thinking they are failure is my victory will not help you to become happier, at least not for a long time. And on a deeper level, you get stuck in negativity, which ultimately will increase your stress and diverse and relations with others. If a person gets the latest version of the coveted gadget or something He longed for, it begins to look for a new thing. It's an endless pursuit of happiness without elastic sense of satisfaction. They think I will be happy when event X happens. And as soon as the previous goal is achieved, x is immediately replaced with a new one. For the next achievement, praise or material value Today wanted before someone else beats them at it? What if you get off the treadmill? What if you stop comparing yourself and you'll live with the lives of other people and be grateful for what you already have. For people. For experience. Anything. It implies focusing on what's going well and not on what should we changed. Gratefulness will help you to stop comparing yourself with others and to be happy about who you are and what you possess. 57. The myth of happily ever after: Do you believe that if you find you're Mr. or Mrs. right, you will have a wonderful, near perfect relationship. Field was blissful happiness, great sex, and no fighting. Beyond an occasional spat about toilet seats or toothpaste caps. You will understand each other and you will both be able to meet all of each other's emotional needs. This distorted fantasy, once you fall in love, your hard work is done. Even great marriages require work. You have to make some kind of effort to cube the bond between your strong. No matter how much you love someone, you don't always like them. The two of you are not going to get along all the time. You can disagree, argue, feel disappointment, and even feel fat out, disgusted with someone, and still love them. Because no spouse is perfect. No relationship is perfect, and no marriage is perfect. The first six to 12 weeks of a relationship can be wonderful. That's the getting to know your unconditional love time. You think you are perfect, you think is perfect. And in your imagination, you will marry him and have a perfect life. But after that, cracks begin to show. He talks too much about politics. You want to get serious too quickly. It spends too much time with his immature friends. You complain too much about work. And on it goes. A lot of relationships don't make it past this point. Whether they realize it or not. Many people continue to expect near perfection from their partners. There are times when the two of you feel as close as you were when you first fell in love. And there will be times when you will ask yourself if you married the wrong person, having fluctuations like this, Normal, being disappointed by them and feeling that they shouldn't happen only compounds the problem. You don't always have to like your spouse to maintain being in love with him or her. That can be hard for perfectionist because they think they should feel happy all the time. People change over time. And hopefully as a couple, you will change in comparable directions. If you have less and less in common, do you have to get divorced? Not necessarily. You can still love someone who is different. You can each pursue interests in like, you don't have to do everything together. You can't meet all your partner's needs and you can't be mad at him for not meeting all of yours. Many people expect that if someone loves you, they will know exactly what you need. They will be able to meet all your needs. And today we'll have the capacity to make you happy all the time. That's simply not possible. You may sometimes feel that your husband or wife is clueless when it comes to giving you what you need. Before you get all annoyed at him, ask yourself, have I told him what I need or am I expecting him to read my mind? If like many perfectionist, you feel that she should just know what you need without your telling her You are wrong. You need to speak up and let your husband or wife know what you want. When you mind read, usually presume that you are the cause of the other person's bad mood. You hold yourself responsible, whether or not there is evidence that you have anything to do with it. The problem was mind-reading is that it's impossible to know what another person, if your spouse or closest friend is thinking. A friend maybe upset about something that happened at work. But you take it personally because you are assuming she's annoyed that you were 15 minutes late when you met for lunch. Instead of trying to read your partner's mind, ask What's up? Say something like I'm picking up that you seem irritated. Have I contributed to it? And if so, is there anything I can do to help you feel better? If you did play a role in his annoyance. You can talk about it and try to straighten things out. If you have nothing to do with it, give him space. It's easier to cope with someone else's bad mood. If you understand it and know that you haven't contributed to it. 58. Are you looking for a perfect partner?: In terms of personal relationships, perfectionist are afraid of caring for someone and get hurt again. They avoid opening up to others. During that, it will ruin the relationship. The perfectionist deepest need is for control, where everything is predictable and safe. They begin to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. End up sabotaging with them. They become preoccupied with people's shortcomings. Often using all or nothing language. For example, you never get it right. You always let me down. These are the voices they were brought up with. And they unintentionally it played back in relationships. They feel entitled to certain treatment, demand respect, and get excessively frustrated or angry when other people or the world in general doesn't measure up to their expectations. They like things to go the way they expect, and they generally don't appreciate surprises. Vulnerability is important for building stronger relationships. Of course, at first it may be scary, but instead of fearing to get hurt, try to focus on how to get close to another person while being yourself. Be careful, was distorted conclusions. Thinking all or nothing, giving yourself time to get comfortable. Over time, it is easier to take reasonable risks in a relationship. The perfectionist fear of rejection in romantic relations prevents him from trying to initiate relationships, from making the first move. Unless he's searching, his interests will be reciprocated. Not only is the perfectionist concerned about being rejected, but she also has unrealistic expectations of potential partners. The all or nothing mindset magnifies every imperfection into a deal breaker and prevents potential relationships from ever taken off. And then once the relationship takes off, every bump, every disagreement, every conflict is catastrophize and experienced as a potential relationship ending threat. Perfect love does not exist. If we believe in perfect love, prevent us from ever finding a romantic partner. Because we will always be waiting for that perfect person who is sensitive and kind and flexible, and so on. Second, we may decide to enter a relationship with a partner who does not have the qualities of a saint or philosopher. The feeling that we have compromised while continuing to seek consciously or not, that perfect person. Finally, we may believe that we have found the perfect partner only to feel profound disappointment and frustration when we discover our partners for us, as we inevitably will. There comes a time in every long-term relationship when we realized that our partner is not God's perfect gift to mankind. Inevitably, the same realization sooner or later strikes. Our partner, will become fully aware for the first time of each other's flows and imperfections. For example, we may realize that our partner has a streak of anger that we never noticed before, or that he or she is gripped by insecurity and anxiety. And even though we all know and accept and paid lip service to the idea that no one is perfect facing the truth. Our partner is no exception to this rule can be shocking and frightening. At some point, children understand that their parents are merely human and flawed and they suddenly feel more alone and less secure interval. If partner may then come along and take the place of our perfect parent. But the partners eventual end inevitable fall from dispatch of perfection can be more devastating to us than our realization that our parents are only human. Our sense of judgment may be shaken as we realized that we were wrong about our partner. When one or both partners wake up from the illusion of perfect love. With software crisis of confidence in our own judgment and the judgment of our partner and in the future of the relationship. The crisis can signify either the beginning of the end of the relationship or the beginning of real love. One way or another. Relationship change. It is transformed and can never be the same again. While not all partners are compatible, dissolution of most relationships is avoidable. It is necessary to accept that there are flaws in the partner. In the partnership. Accepting floors does not mean being resigned to them. It willingness by both partners to work on their feelings is a prerequisite for a flourishing relationship. Before we start working to improve what needs to be improved, there has to be a fundamental acceptance that these flaws exist. The perfectionist who has been forced to recognize that his partner is fluid, may shift from one extreme that his partner is perfect, to another extreme that his partner is completely flawed. When, for example, a perfectionist becomes aware of a jealous streak in his partner, his perception of the partner may shift instantaneously from loving and caring, too. Obsessive and smothering. Human flows are effective of life. The expectations that we have of our partner must be realistic, or else they will lead to a disappointment and frustration. While it is pleasant to be admired by your partner as the epitome of perfection. It is also liberating not to be placed on a pedestal. This feeling of liberation comes only if the loss of the illusion is replaced with loving acceptance. Acceptance is not a call for mediocrity, for compromise, but a prerequisite for the attainment of happiness on personal and interpersonal level. 59. What do you expect from your friends?: Perfection is give their friends a lot and expect a lot in return. If I choose to do something for my friends that goes above and beyond the call of friendship. It's not fair to expect them to do the same for me. When my birthday rolls around and nobody makes me a cake. Am I disappointed? Sometimes, yes. I feel a little let down. But then I remind myself why I do it. It's something that I like to do. It makes me feel good. I don't do it so that others will do it for me. Everybody has to set her own standards. If there is something you want to do it for your friends, you have to own it and to do it because it's what you like, not so that it will be reciprocated. That's not to say you shouldn't expect anything from your friends. If they are true friends, they will be there for you when you need them. They may not always be Q birthday cakes. But if there is a crisis, they are with you every step of the way. Perfectionist must be careful not to jump to conclusions about their friends. If you don't hear from someone for a while, don't jump to the conclusion that she's mad at you and it doesn't want to talk to you. She's probably busy and stressed out and has Islands, has nothing to do with you. Try to keep your friendships balanced. If you try to do too much for or with your friends, it may drive them away. And to make them feel guilty and uncomfortable. If like some perfectionist, you give your friends lavish gifts that they can reciprocate. It can make the friendship feel uneven. Pupil don't like to be in uneven relationships. Perfection is often project onto their friends, their own standards of how to raise children, keep house, or succeed in a career. That gets friendship into trouble. You can love your friends despite the fact that they have completely different feelings about politics or education. But sometimes outgrow friendships. And that's okay. You may feel that once you are someone's friend, you've got to remain friends forever. You don't have two people change and life experiences change. If you find that you are always calling someone who never calls you, it might be time to let go of the friendship. If you would rather not, then discuss it openly and honestly, it was your friend asked him why he doesn't call you, write an email. If you would rather not do it in person. Maybe he's facing a problem. You don't know about. Either way. Try not to hold on to anger and resentment. 60. How to be assertive? Assertiveness: Perfection is so focused on the little road that they don't see the big picture. They concentrate on what needs to be improved in their life, what they must do. They don't find time to step back and ask whether this is what they really wanted to do and believe in. If you have planned to go to an exotic place for a vacation and marked every mile of the way on the map. It is possible that you will encounter unexpected difficulties, obstacles, and the need to take a detour. And although it will require a little change of plans, do not let the obstacles block your path. Yes, there may be many challenges in your way and you don't have to overcome them effectively. You may stumble along the way. Too much stress can prevent us from being who we wanted to be. When the level of stress is high, we tend to doubt our abilities. And to go back to the old ways of acting. Change can scare anyone, especially a perfectionist, who needs to know the outcome. Face your fears. One way to do this is to get used to the unusual. The easiest way to overcome fear is to put yourself in a situation you do not feel 100 per cent confident or calm. Try to make change gradually. Perhaps your family, friends, colleagues, even strangers want to react like you would wish them to. But if others get absurd, complain about your change in behavior, make unpleasant comments, or do something that hurts you. It does not mean that you need to stop and return to your old bad habits. In our efforts to gain the approval of others, or in the fear that people might find us uninteresting or unimportant. We may communicate in a rather non-assertive or passive way. This can result in not asking for what we want or need. Pretending to agree with others when actually it we don't want. Or perhaps taking on a task when who would prefer not to? Because we can't say, you know, we might react defensively when we feel criticized. And that can come across as aggressive. Listening is a key part of communication. And because perfectionist are too often focusing on themselves, they often fail to listen effectively. This tends to reduce of confidence, leads to misunderstandings. Being assertive is about standing up for your own rights whilst respecting the rights of others. It's about direct, honest communication, about taking responsibility for your own communication and behavior. It's not being passive, which is putting up with all sorts. And it's not being aggressive, which is getting your own way, no matter what. You can stand up for yourself and establish personal boundaries without resorting to aggression. Assertiveness is one way which implies directly communicating your desires and the needs in a respectful manner. Aggression implies communicating your desires and the needs in a disrespectful manner. Passive behavior means suppressing your desires so that another person is not offended. Passive aggressive behavior entails indirectly communicating your desires and needs in a disrespectful manner. It is very important to be decisive to assert your rights while still showing respect to others. If something is not to your satisfaction, you need not act aggressively. Don't quarrel, or raise your voice. Don't be passive or silent. Restraining irritation, and don't be passive aggressive. Seeing something was sarcasm. None of these behaviors will bring anything good, either to you or to your companion. Standing up for yourself means expressing your desires without losing respect for others. 61. How to start making changes?: Our brain seems to favor the status quo. Basically, the unconscious mind prefers to remain things the way they are. We survived yesterday. So why do anything differently? When something feels unusual? At first, after many repetitions ceases to cause discomfort, it becomes a new norm. At first, it is difficult. Then you adapt and semester it, and then it becomes automatic. At first. Everything new causes difficulties. It's like driving a car for the first time. Most people feel ill at ease. Gradually, the novelty is not that difficult, but your actions are still conscious and require some effort. At this early stage who are more likely to give up new beginnings. It doesn't mean that a new way of action does not suit you. It's just the very beginning of long-lasting changes. It shouldn't be difficult. That means you are on the right track. It's normal to feel about how those around you will respond when you begin to change your habits and behaviors. Make things easier for your family. Telling them what's going on. Explain that you will be making some changes to improve the quality of your life. Describe the changes, and share the reasons behind them. This is especially important if you will be asking them to take on more responsibilities. When people decide to change a negative habit, they often set out to make a huge change all at once. So dentary people decided to start exercising 90 min a day of age, people decide to lose 100 pounds. Perfectionist, or even more prone to this because of their tendency to give in all or nothing thinking tried to resist the temptation to make too many changes at once. Go slowly as you work to move yourself away from perfectionism. Take baby steps, especially in situations that affect other people. Small, slow changes tends to be far more successful than big, impetuous ones. Don't give up if it's not working. If you try changing one area of your life and fail miserably, move on to another area. If you get stuck on some old perfection is tablet, ask yourself, how important is it? We do so many things out of habit or because our parents did them that way. But she was so seldom ask ourselves whether we really need to do something in a certain perfect weight. You may find that letting go of a perfectionist habit will leave you feeling liberated and lighthearted. 62. Being empathetic: Empathy allows us to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and to understand what the person truly needs. I am more likely to be empathetic to someone when I'm truly listening to him without being distracted by thoughts about how to advise him. The foundation of effective therapy is not only intellectual sophistication and knowledge, but the ability to accept and to empathize. While coming up with solutions to a friend's problems may make us feel helpful and competent. It often has the opposite effect on the friend. First, offering solutions creates distance between two people. One person is in the null, the other is in trouble. So can the person being helped feels inadequate, especially when he's already feeling weak? One will offer solutions. Regardless of our intentions. The message often comes across as condescending and paternalistic. When we embrace and accept, we're telling the person I am with you. I care about you and you can count on me. I trust you. You are smart enough and competent enough to get through. In this case, your friend is more likely to feel understood and empowered. It is not always easy to refrain from giving advice, especially when you are with people who care about. But a device is not always the best thing we have to offer. Usually simply being there is enough. First except be there for her, and only then provide advice and suggest solutions. This is where empathy comes in. An empathetic therapist or friend senses when acceptance is sufficient and when it may be helpful to offer suggestions. While perfectionist are inclined to give advice and fix things, make things perfect. Again, they are equally disinclined to ask for advice or any kind of help. They need to actively ask for help to reach out to show it need to be vulnerable. Initially, it may feel awkward and difficult. But as with any new behavior, one gets used to it. 63. Pretending to be happy: Perfectionist feel that they must suppress their emotional discomfort. And B, or at the very least, seem happy. We're taught to hide our pain. Fake smile, put on a brave face. And when most of what we see are perfect smiles displaced on other people's perfectly tan faces. We begin to believe that the odd ones out because sometimes sad or lonely, or we don't feel as happy or as put together as everyone else, appears to be. Not wanting to ruin the festive circus and reveal our shameful feelings. We hide our unhappiness with our own mask. When asked how we are, will respond with a wink and a smile. Just great. People who have to smile for a living, such as sales assistance and flight attendants, were found to be more prone to depression, stress, cardiovascular problems, and high blood pressure. Most people need to put on a mask, or at least part of the day. Basic human courtesy requires that we sometimes curb our emotions, whether they be anger or frustration or passion. The solution to this problem is sharing our feelings. Was a trusted friend, riding whatever comes to mind in a personal journal, or simply spending time alone in our room. Depending on our constitution, some of us may need 10 min to recover from the emotional deception, and others may need hours. The key during the recovery period is to do away with pretends to be real and to allow ourselves to feel any emotion that arises. Much has been said about positive self-talk, e.g. repeating to ourselves, I am wonderful. When we feel down. I am strong when going through a rough patch or I'm getting better every day in every way. The evidence that these sorts of pep talk works week. And there are psychologists will suggest that it can actually hurt more than it can help. We need to honestly acknowledge what you are feeling at one point. When feeling down, saying to ourselves, or someone with trust, I am really sad or I feel so torn is much more helpful than declaring. I am tough, or I am happy. Pretending that we're really happy. When R-naught contributes to depression. In putting on the facade, we communicate to others that everyone is doing just great except for them, which makes them feel worse and even more determined to hide their pain. By perpetually hiding our emotions. We don't give others permission to share their own. And in turn, they are brief thesis communicates to us that everyone else is doing great. And we're consequently feel even worse. And so will all continue smiling our way, sort of insincere or dance or Words and Gestures engaged in that downward spiral of deception and depression. The call for more emotional openness is not a call to where our hearts on our sleeves, which is not always fitting or helpful. But there is a healthy middle ground between full disclosure and total concealment. In response to a genuine, How are you? An occasional honest answer, like EBT sad or slightly anxious, can help us. And those around us feel a little less sad and more hopeful. 64. Conclusion: We fear the unknown. We desperately want to know what happened last summer or last night or in prehistoric times. We want to know what will happen next week and what the world will look like ten or thousand years from now. We seek certainty in the present to know what our life is really about right now. More than bad news, we fear no news. An uncertain diagnosis often feels worse to us than a certain, albeit a negative one. We need to accept that we sometimes do not and cannot know. We need to embrace uncertainty in order to feel more comfortable in its presence. Then once we feel comfortable with our ignorance, we are better prepared to reconstruct our discomfort with the unknown into a sense of awe and wonder. It's about re learning to perceive the world and our lives as a miracle unfolding. No more sitting on the sidelines, waiting for the perfect job, relationship, house, business opportunity, or waiting for the perfect time to begin writing that book, going for promotion or starting a family. Go for what you want in life. Take responsibility for your own future, making mistakes along the way, no doubt, but at least you went for it. As you work to become less of a perfectionist, you will sometimes make mistakes which will bring out the perfectionist in you. Be patient with yourself and know that sleep ups are part of the normal process of change. It takes us a while to change our ways. If you struggle, just pick yourself up and keep trying. And remember, practice makes perfect.