Transcripts
13. The difference between Introversion and shyness: A common perception
among the population is that shyness and introversion
go hand in hand. Introverts may be
misperceived as shy because they do not
say much in conversations. But there is a
difference between these contentedly quiet people
who feel able to perform, but simply prefer
not to and the shy, who desperately
want to say more, but feel unable to. Shy adults take
longer to produce their first words in conversation with an
unfamiliar person. They are slower to
break a silence. The introvert avoids
social situations by choice because he simply
prefers his own company. He is not highly sociable. Unlike the shy person, the quiet introvert
does not feel an anguished
ambivalence about being noticed and listened
to when necessary. The introvert is not actively trying to
think of things to say. She's just being quiet
because she wants to. It's like when you
don't really care about what other people
think about you. He may not say very much, but when he does
want to speak out, he has no reservations
about doing so. Shy people feel
motivated to be with others and enjoy social
encounters when they go well, but shyness prevents them
from satisfying this need. There are shy introverts
and nu shy introverts, just as there are shy extraverts
and no shy extroverts. Introverts are people who get their energy mostly
from within themselves. They enjoy their inner world
of thoughts and reflections. They like to spend time
in their own company. A non shy introvert has no trouble interacting
with others. She can keep up a piece
of high social energy, but only for a limited
amount of time. After a while, she gets
tired and needs to find a quieter place
where she can be by herself and restore her
energy in quiet ways. A shy introvert also gets his
energy from within himself. However, he is not as easy going when it comes to
social interactions. He's troubled about
being self conscious, troubled with feelings of inferiority and self
conscious with superiors, worrying over
humiliating experiences. You can be a shy extrovert,
like Barbara Strason, who has a larger than life personality and
paralyzing stage fright, or a non shy introvert,
like Bill Gates, who by all accounts, keeps to himself, but is unfazed by the
opinions of others. You can also, of course, be both and an introvert.
33. Do You Feel Inferior to Other People?: We interact with
people differently based on how valuable
we see them. If you place a lot of value
or importance on someone, then you are going to act
a lot more inhibited and anxious around them than someone you don't
care much about. For example, at work, we may treat our boss
differently than our co workers. We fear the disapproval
of those who we think have a higher value or
are superior than us. Do you ever feel
like some people you try to talk to automatically
brush you off? They don't let you talk and don't really listen
to what you have to say. Then you see these same people giving their full
attention to other people, who are seen as being popular? Imagine you were walking
down the street. If the 10-year-old child ran up to you and
said, You suck. How much would that
affect you emotionally? Maybe you would care a little, but not that much. What about if an
attractive person of your age came up to you and
said the exact same words? Now, how much would
you be affected? Notice how your anxiety levels differ based on which
person you interact with. Chances are, the more superior you believe the
other person is to you, the less confidently you
will be able to behave. For example, you
can easily talk to people who are seen
as being uncool, but struggle to say the right thing when talking
to someone aggressive, assertive, intelligent,
or in authority. Have you ever wanted to be
seen with someone because you thought other people would think you were a cooler
person because of it? When you walk past
people on the street, Are you more anxious when
you are walking past an elderly couple or someone attractive
around your own age? Do you try harder than usual
to come up with something interesting to say when you are talking to
someone popular? Are you much more laid back and natural when you
are talking to someone, most people think is a loser? Do you ever want to show someone popular your
better qualities, name dropping or mentioning
material possessions, which you hope
will impress them. You are never actually
trying to treat everyone differently.
It just happens. Everyone has this type of automatic system
of valuing people? It controls how they
act around who. In every interaction
between two people, one person is higher status. H or she may be better
connected socially, prettier, more dominant, a better leader or just more popular
with everyone. One person is always cooler. The person who is lower
status usually ends up trying harder to get the high status
person's approval. It is not pleasant to be on the lower end of this
social value scale, but it's very important
to see how this works and to understand that everybody does
this unconsciously. We don't know who are doing it. People pay more attention
to people of high value. These are the people we
consider superior to us. We perceive they are worse
to be greater than ours. We don't feel entitled to express ourselves
confidently around them. In a way we feel intimidated. When the person you are talking to is someone on your level, then you are naturally
going to be much more confident and free to
express your personality. When you don't feel inadequate compared to the person
you are talking to, your confidence
and social skills come easily and naturally. It's only when you
are intimidated by someone else or feel inferior to a group of people
that your mind goes blank and you start acting shy. In reality, there are no
superior or high value people. The only reason why you see some people as more valuable
than you is because you have some rules
in your mind that determine whether someone
is valuable to you or not. If someone passes all these
rules and criteria you have, then you see them as valuable. Ask yourself, Does
someone's confidence, decisiveness, assertiveness
often intimidate me? If I see someone as having a lot more friends and
social connections than me? Do I feel inferior to them? If someone is very physically attractive or wears the
most stylish clothes, do I act differently
around them? How differently do I treat
people who are below average looking and people
who are drop dead gorgeous? Am I more anxious around people, my own age, the very
old, or the very young? It's usually people
our own age or older people in positions of authority that are
most intimidating.
34. People who are confident in social situations: There is nothing wrong
with being quiet. But if you ask shy people
about their quietness, you learn that they are
dissatisfied with it. Partly, this is because
they want to talk more. They enjoy the
company of others and they wish that they could contribute more to
a conversation. Other people seem
able to know what to say and when and how to say it. To the shy, it seems as if other people belong
to a secret society. Somehow, everybody else seems to have built up a shared
stock of knowledge, which helps them to perform
well in social encounters. Many shy people
see themselves as outsiders in the
social world in it, but not truly part of it. They don't know how to
circulate at parties. They don't know how to re
establish contact with people. They know vaguely. They don't know how to speak to
a stranger in a pub. Shy person thinks that social situations ought
to be straightforward. They seem to be easy for
everyone else but her. Other people look more competent at conversation
than she is. They all seem to
know what they are doing and appear to be
following a script. She feels that her problems are somehow to do with the
kind of person she is. The person who sets
the standards for everyone is an image
of the relaxed, confident, social success,
but there is no such person. People who at first
seem to be models of social deafness from other
angles are no such thing. The most confident people also
confess that they are shy. We think we are surrounded by
virtuosos of social rules, delivering word
perfect performances while we alone are
fluffing our lines. But everyone is
struggling to learn these rules that were
never written down. Although some of
us learn them more slow witted and
unwillingly than mo. Social competence is
like riding a bicycle, a skill that anyone can
learn and improve upon. If they practice enough. People who have developed good social skills might seem to be naturally
adept in interaction. But day performances have been practiced and rehearsed
like everyone else's. The impastor phenomenon is
a theory that despite being highly successful in their
career or other social areas, people may remain
convinced that they are not really as
capable as they appear. Central to the impasor
phenomenon is a feeling of being a fraud
of having fooled other people into believing
in your ability and a great fear of one
day being found out and sent away in disgrace. This is similar to shy
people's perception of their own incompetence and the fear of discrediting themselves by doing
the wrong thing. Many people feel
fraudulent inside, but still dare to risk
giving a performance. Even the most
apparently sociable, talkative and self confident
person might be giving a carefully studied performance that serves to disguise
his underlying shyness. Both shy and non shy may feel
as if they are impasors. It might appear that everybody else knows
what they are doing, but many people
probably are faking it. W are to some extent impasors. Perhaps it is quite normal to feel out of your depth
in social situations. Although to explicitly
acknowledge this would pose a serious threat to the interaction order. Shi people perceive
themselves as outsiders to the secret
society of competent others. They believe that it is their individual responsibility to avoid any embarrassment, awkwardness, or
strained interaction. The Nan shy may perceive
the standards of social behavior that are
expected of them to be lower. They realize that they
only have to give a minimally acceptable activity in order to keep the
situation going. The nan shy person may feel more confident
in her ability to pass because the standard she
has set is so much lower. She has more trust in other people to provide
protective face work, should anything go wrong. The shy person does not
anticipate such loyalty, and so he experiences every social encounter as
a risky, solo performance.
35. Getting Rid of Mind-Reading: Imagine that someone
yawns or appears distracted while you are talking and you
automatically think. I am so boring or he knows that I'm shy and
have a hard time talking. You believe you know what
others are thinking. This is mind reading, but we can never be
certain until we ask the person out right
what she is thinking. Next time you catch yourself
mind reading. Just stop. Realize that if you are
a normal human being, you simply cannot know
what others are thinking. If a person yawns
while you talk, there are so many other
possible explanations. Perhaps she didn't
sleep last night. Perhaps she breathes
shallowly and from time to time has to yawn to get an
adequate amount of oxygen. If the person is distracted, maybe he has something
to be distracted about. Perhaps he's still
thinking about the fight he just
had with his spouse, or he's trying to remember whether he left
something on the stove. Often, other people do not respond in the ways that
you hope they will, but they are unhlpful or
insensitive reactions, do not make you
less acceptable as a person or make your feelings less
important and meaningful. Have you ever been with
a person who looked grumpy and you assumed that you must have
done something wrong. Somehow, you feel
responsible for having caused a
person to feel badly. That's taking things personally. Perhaps the person is
grumpy because she just missed winning the
lado by one number. Maybe she has a mood disorder. Maybe she just stopped her toe. You can always ask
and check things out. Don't assume that
everything is your fault. As tiny children, we often
assumed that the world revolved ad and that if
something bad happened, it had something to do with us. As adults, we sometimes get trapped into
feeling the same thing. But we need to realize that we simply don't have
that much power. The truth is, we are not at the center of other
people's moods.
36. Change the Way You Think: What would you
think if your voice trembled while talking
to a group of people? Oh, my God, my
voice is trembling. Now they know I'm anxious. They will think I'm weird. This is where people usually
stop thinking any further. The idea of being
as weird can be so horrible that it is enough
to stop a person cold. But the trick is to go on
and flesh out your thinking. Ask yourself, what
would happen next? If they thought I was weird, then they would stop
talking to me. Then what? Then I would be all alone. Then I would cry. Then I would really make a ful
of myself. Then what? Then nobody would ever
want to talk to me again. I would have to leave town. Then I would have to
start a new life. Now it's time to ask yourself, would I really move from town, leave my family and start a new life just because
my voice trembled? Look out for such words as
always, never and everyone. As soon as you hear these words, you know there is a huge
flaw in your thinking. This is sometimes called
black and white thinking. You think that because your
crush rejected you once, that you will
always be rejected. You think that because when
you tried to assert yourself, your parents yelled at you, you can never assert yourself
without this backlash. If you were left at once
for an embarrassing moment, you don't see it as an
embarrassing moment. You see it as proof that you are an awkward
person in general. If you gave a bad
presentation in school, you don't see it as
a bad presentation. You see yourself as
a bad presenter. The world simply does
not work that way. You don't take into account that each situation
is different. Each person is different and that you will act differently
at different times. Realistically, some people at the social gathering
will be confident. Others may look confident
on the outside, but be shaking on the inside. Still others will experience various degrees of uncertainty. There are many shades of gray between the extremes
of black and white. They are in mind that there is no such thing as
perfect social skills. What works best in one
situation or with one group of people may not work well in another situation or
with another group. For example, the best
way to ask one person out on a date may cause a
rejection from someone else. Although a particular style
may help you to get one job, it may work against
you for another job. In other words, no matter how well developed your
social skills are, they can never be perfect. Like everyone, you will continue to stumble
from time to time, occasionally, you will make a bad impression
on other people. If the thing that
you fear happens, it may not actually
be a disaster. Everyone makes mistakes, most of which are invisible to
anyone but themselves. Most mistakes have
no more significance than tripping over a curtone. Most of them turn
out to be useful too as you can learn
something from them. Like to look where you
are going more carefully. If you think I should
have done it better, change it to I will do it better in time. I will do where I can. No one could do more than that. There is no fixed, rigid and right way
of doing things socially. There are many ways. Your way, once you have learned
to relax and be yourself, will be just as good as the next persons. Oh.
37. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Challenging catastrophic
thinking requires shifting the focus from how terrible the outcome would be to how you might cope
with the situation, if it were to occur? Ask yourself these questions. What if my fears
actually come true? How can I cope if
it were to occur? Would it really be as
terrible as I think? Does this really matter in
the big scheme of things? Would I care about
this a month from now, a year from now? In many cases, you will realize that even if your
fear does come true, it won't be the
end of the world. You will cope with the situation and your discomfort will pass. For example, what if
someone thinks you are pathetic and that's why he isn't interested in
spending time with you. What if someone declines
your offer for lunch? Do you think you will be able to cope with the
feelings of rejection? Maybe you will
feel bad at first, but in the end, it
probably wouldn't matter. You need to recognize that
not everyone has to like you. Perhaps it would mean that you
are just not a good match. Even if someone thinks
you are an idiot. It doesn't mean you
really are one. That person's opinion doesn't reflect that of everyone else. It wouldn't be the end of the world if people
noticed your shyness. Everyone feels anxious
from time to time. Who cares if your hands shake. You have the right
to have shaky hands. Probably no one
will even notice. Even if they notice, they probably won't care. If you are ridiculed or left
at, it would be manageable. Most people get teased and
ridiculed from time to time. You suddenly laugh at
other people sometimes. Other than the temporary
discomfort or embarrassment. It wouldn't really matter in
the big scheme of things. Although some people may criticize you for
appearing nervous, it's likely that most
people couldn't care less. If you are worried
that others might criticize if your
voice becomes shaky, you might ask yourself, am I critical of other people when I notice their
voice shaking? Most likely, you
would not assume someone else to be
incompetent, stupid, or weak, just because he or she seems a bit shy in
a particular situation. The same is true
of other people. Everyone is doing some things right and some things wrong. Most people are not thinking
in terms of right and wrong. There are so many
different ways of doing things that it matters a
little which one you choose. Doing things differently from others makes people
curious about you. But nothing more than that. In reality, the consequences
of making a mistake or em yourself are usually minimal and almost never last very long. Even if people notice
that you have made a mistake or that you
appear to be anxious, they are likely to forget
about it after a few minutes.
38. Social Scripts and Conventions: F. Often, scripted social
situations provide an outlet for shy people to
overcome their inhibition. Conventions are
recognized ways of doing things or
patterns of behavior. Many people feel uncomfortable if they do not know
the conventions. For instance, if they
do not know which fork to use or what to wear. Turning up in jeans when
everyone else is dressed in their best or vice versa
can be embarrassing. Some people think that in order to get better
at socializing, they should learn how to behave correctly as if they were a
right way of doing things. There are some
situations in which the conventional ways of doing things are rather like rules. Then it can suddenly feel more comfortable to know
what the rules are. For example, it's useful to know how to order a
meal at a restaurant. How to make an appointment
to see the doctor. Do what is expected
of you as a member of a sports club or church
or evening class. Learning the rules
in such situations is a bit like learning a script. The script is useful because
it tells you how to behave. There are several ways to learn
about social conventions. First, you need to ask? You could politely ask for more information about how to behave in a social situation. Would you mind if
someone asked you about what was the right
way to do something? Would it be better
to admit that you do not know or to do
the wrong thing? For example, at a
formal dinner party, you could say, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure
where I should sit. Do you know if there
is a sitting plan? Sometimes information is there, but you are too
confused to take it in. For example, notices
about wearing ties or not smoking or laying out forks in the order
they would be used in. People in different places
develop different conventions. There is no one right way. Watch out for upsetting
thoughts if you break a convention in five years time, who will remember
that you sat in someone else's place or spoke
out of turn at a meeting? You may not always know exactly
what to do ahead of time. Instead, you have to learn to
do what feels right and to respond flexibly
to the demands of the situation as it develops without
being self conscious. This is much easier if you can focus comfortably
on other people.
39. Understanding Social Rules: People who experience shyness
often believe they will feel at ease in the world
once they have all the rules. They often wonder
about whether they are doing things the
right way or not. They believe that there is a
right way to do everything, but they are not always sure
what that right way is. There is clearly no
single or right way of saying hello and goodbye. But shy people often talk as if they were in danger
of doing it wrong. As if there was an
ideal way to behave. But whose way of
behaving is the ideal? It is not a law of the land that you have to
obey conventions. They are not rules or laws. In the end, people do
whatever they feel comfortable with or
what works for them. This is why there is
no need to be self conscious about the
way you do things. There are no absolute ideas for how we should behave
moment by moment. There is no big rule
book that tells us the one right way for every little thing we might
do in the company of others. Basically, the main rule is
to be considerate of others. That's why we say thank you. Why we return
people's phone calls and why we call a friend to
wish him a happy birthday. Rules change with time, and they change according to the culture in
which you live. Chances are, there are no rules for many of the behaviors
you are worried about. Whether you cross or
uncross your legs while sitting in a group is of
little concern to anybody. Mainly, if you are
generally kind to people and don't do anything that offends your own
sense of decency, you will probably fit right
in with everybody else. Rules or conventions can limit your ability to express yourself in the way that
feels right to you. You don't need any special
skills to express yourself. It comes without teaching and
is more a matter of feeling able to be yourself and finding the ways
that work for you. Start with paying attention to others and responding to them. Social rules are
not absolute truth. In most Western cultures, simply being considerate
of others will pave the way to smooth
social interactions.
40. Being Assertive: To be an assertive person is not to be a selfish pushy bully, nor an insensitive clad who
insists on getting her way. Assertive people
get a fair share of what life has to offer by
communicating their needs, relating to the needs
of others and having the courage to
choose a lifestyle that is in harmony
with their values. C hinaus is associated with a tendency to
communicate passively. Passive communication involves expressing
your needs indirectly, often in a quiet voice and perhaps with frequent
pauses and hesitations. Passive communication places
the other person's wants, needs and desires
ahead of your own. You want to avoid
any possibility of offending or inconveniencing
the other individual. However, because your message
is not expressed directly, the other person
may never receive the message that you
intended to communicate. Therefore, passive behavior may cause you to feel
hurt and resentful. Let's say you expected
a promised raise at your workplace and
never received it, although your co workers
received theirs. The obvious aggressive response
would be to storm into your boss's office
spewing profanities and demanding your raise while threatening to quit if
it is not forthcoming. The third response would
be to sit down with your boss and ask why you
did not receive your raise. If the answer seems
unfair to you, you would now state
your feelings on this inequality clearly
and in a calm manner. You might also want
to point out that others did receive
their salary increase, and you expect to be treated the same respect as
your co workers. Some of us learned that it is not okay to impose on others. We don't feel entitled
to ask for what we want. We may not always
get what we need, but it is still
important to ask. Ask for help with a
project. Ask for a. Ask for a refund. Ask for an earlier or later appointment. Ask for a favor. Ask for
quiet. Ask for a hug. Ask to be treated with respect. Ask, but do not expect others
to necessarily deliver. Not expecting anything
in return is freeing. Oh.
41. Dealing With Criticism: As we reach out and
connect with people, the inevitable will
happen once in a while. We will feel hurt by others and others
will feel hurt by us. If you are being criticized. Don't get defensive. Arguing or trying to prove the other person wrong tends
to increase criticisms. When you have little or
no emotional investment in the person who is
criticizing or teasing. Go along with the criticism
is an effective strategy. A general agreement might
sound like you could be right. The specific agreement
would be, you are right. I can be so clumsy. You should see me at home. I am forever bumping
into things. Either way, The wind is
usually taken out of the critics sails and the
criticisms come to a hold. You can also ask the
person questions that invite further details
about the criticism. For example, you might say, where specifically, how exactly have I
been inconsiderate? Can you give me an example? The confident person will even ask for further criticisms. For example, is there something else you didn't
like about my presentation? I would appreciate
your feedback. In the process of inviding details and further criticisms, you accomplish one
of two things. If the criticism
is constructive, you will get useful
information that will help you decide whether and
how to improve something. If the criticism is meant
to manipulate or hurt you, you will help take responsibility
for her criticisms. Either she will retreat
from her critical stance, or she will be more honest about what is underlying her
need to criticize.
42. Starting a Conversation: Although getting a conversation started is sometimes difficult. It often becomes
easier with practice. If you are at a party, it is perfectly
appropriate to walk up to a group of people who
are already talking. After a minute or two of
standing around with the group, you can join in
the conversation. It takes practice
and scripting to learn how to interrupt
without disrupting. You can arrive to class
or place or work early, so you can chat with others. The topic of conversation
should usually begin with something friendly
and not too personal. Particularly, if you don't know the other
individual very well. You may begin with a question. How was your weekend? A compliment. I like your
new haircut. A observation. I notice that you
are not driving your usual car or
an introduction. I don't believe we have met. My name is Other
appropriate topics include hobbies, your job, a movie or TV show you
recently saw the weather, something you recently read, your vacation, a recent
shopping trip or sports. After you have been
talking for a while, it may be appropriate to discuss more
controversial topics, such as politics, relationships, personal feelings, difficult
family situations. However, you should introduce these topics slowly and gauge the other person's
reactions before deciding how far to
take the conversation. Try to avoid getting too personal unless you know
the other person well, or the other person is disclosing similar types
of personal information. You decide how much or how little information to
disclose about yourself. It's totally up to you. This is not an issue of
being honest or dishonest. Rather, it's an issue of how much you want others
to know about you. All of us have experienced conversations that
never really take off. L et alone keep on going. Sometimes that's
just the way it is. People who are shy often
feel it's their fault. For some reason, they believe
that the responsibility of keeping the conversation
going rests entirely on them. The prospect of entering into a conversation
brings on anxiety. It's important to realize
that the other person is just as responsible as you for carrying on
the conversation. A common problem for people
who tend to shy away from conversations is that they have difficulty finding
anything to talk about. Again, it's not all up to
you to come up with topics. The other person
will have something to say and you can follow up. You just do your share
of contributing to the conversation by bringing
up your own topics. If you have nothing to say, notice what's going on
inside and outside of you. You might notice any
number of sensations, thoughts, feelings, or impulses. Tell the other person
what you are noticing. For instance, you might say, I notice the sun shining
on those leaves. I notice your earrings
sparkling in the sunlight. I notice your smile. I notice that I am now smiling. You can literally carry on
this exercise for hours. There are millions of bits of information available
to you at any moment. You can end up talking non stop. Just share your awareness. Running out of things
to talk about is not a failure and it does not
mean that you are boring. It is a normal feature
of all conversations.
43. Improving Your Conversation Skills: Inaction is the most
characteristic feature of shyness because anxiety, boredom, and passivity generate more fatigue than does
the heaviest of labors. You need to get moving. You will discover
untapped sources of energy when you are doing
what you want to do. And of recognition, a smile, a wave of the hand.
Look in the eye. You will have to put
some energy behind it and some skill into it. Hello. Hi there.
How is it going? Good to see you around. Where have you been? I liked what you said. Have
a good weekend. To get into good conversations, you need to have
something to say. The easiest way to do that is
to keep yourself informed. Read the newspapers
and news magazines. Know what the political
situation is in your state. Read Movie and book reviews. Come up with interesting
or exciting things that have happened
to you recently. Turn them into brief
interesting stories. Jot down jokes if you feel
comfortable telling them. If you have trouble
remembering the punch lines, jokes aren't your best bet. We can start the
conversation with a common experience you
are sharing at the time. For example, this
line is so long. It must be a good movie. I had a horrible time
parking around here. Do you know a good place? Is that a good book? I've never read it.
That's a nice sweater. Where did you get it? How do
you start a conversation? First of all, choose someone
who looks approachable. The person who is
smiling at you or sitting alone or
wandering around. Don't choose someone who is obviously busy doing
something else. There are a number of ways
to start a conversation. Choose the one that is
most appropriate to your situation and most
comfortable for you. Introduce yourself.
Hello. My name is. You can exchange information
on where you live, what you do, your families.
Give compliments. Then follow up with a question. This is a great drink. How do you make
it? Request help. Make it obvious you need it and think other
person can provide it. I can't find this law case. Can you help me? Can you
show me that dans step? I don't know anything
about commodities. Can you explain them to me? Try self disclosure. You will find that when you make an obviously personal statement, it will elicit a positive,
sympathetic response. I'm not sure what
I'm doing here. I'm really quite shy. I would love to learn to sail, but I don't know
if I can make it. I just got a divorce and
feel a little shaky. Use the normal social graces. Looks like you need a refill. Can I get you one? I
am headed that way. Here, let me help you
pick up those groceries. Once you have started
a conversation, you can use several
techniques to keep it going. Ask a question about
current sports game or political event. Offer one of your personal
stories or opinions. Get the other person
talking about themselves. Where did you grow up? Do
you like your line of work? Express interest in the
other person's expertise. How does a book get published? How do you start
a daycare center? Most important, share
your reactions to what is taking place at that moment
while you are interacting. Relate your thoughts
and feelings about what the other
person has said or done. When you are finished
saying all you have to or your time is up, you must signify that
you are about to take. Three messages must get across. You will be leaving soon. You have gotten pleasure or benefited in some way
from the present talk, and you hope there will be
more contact in the future. There are a number of
ways you can do this. Reinforcement, Short words of agreement to the last
thing the partner said, Sure, k, write, et
cetera Appreciation. The statement of pleasure
derived from the interaction. I really enjoyed talking to
you. Completion sentence. That's about the sum of it. Breaking eye contact,
moving legs or feet toward the exit,
Leaning forward, smiling, and a handshake, are some non verbal behaviors used to say you
are shipping off. Watch the ways in
which your friends, acquaintances, and people you interact with end
their conversations. Write down all you recall saying or doing in
the last minute.
44. Improving Your Listening Skills: Effective listening should
involve active participation, rather than just sitting quietly and absorbing
the information. Active listening involves maintaining appropriate
eye contact, paraphrasing what
the person has said. Asking for clarification. That is asking questions to
help you understand what was said and providing the
other person with feedback. Whenever possible
feedback should be immediate, honest,
and supportive. In other words, it should
reflect your true feelings, be gentle and unlikely to be
hurtful to the other person. Pay attention to
what is being said and give clear indications
that you are doing so. Use verbal queues. Yes. I see. Huh. That is interesting, incredible, really, and
also non verbal ques. Lean forward, sit up, stand closer, not appropriately. Active listening also involves identifying with the other person's situation
when possible, or if not, recasting
what you are hearing into a similar experience
that you can relate to. I have never been
in the military, but I can relate to having to take petty orders
that are meaningless. When you are in a conversation, don't hesitate to ask for clarification if you don't
understand something. Is this what you are saying? I don't understand that. Can you explain it? Don't be afraid to admit that you
don't know something. People often enjoy
explaining things to others. In addition, it's important
to listen with empathy. Being empathic means conveying the idea that you genuinely understand the
other person's message, as well as the feelings
he's experiencing. Note that it is not
necessary for you to agree with the other
person's perspective, just to understand it.
45. Reducing Self-Consciousness: Sf consciousness goes with
feeling that you stand out, that other people
are looking at you. Entering a room full of
people or saying goodbye when you leave are situations which are
likely to provoke it. This may be because
at those times, it is more difficult to do
what is expected of you socially without drawing
attention to yourself. The less self conscious you are, the easier it is to be yourself and to join in naturally with
what's going on around you. To become less self conscious, you need to direct your
attention on to other things. To focus more of your attention on what is
happening outside yourself, instead of on what
is happening inside. You need to forget yourself to become absorbed in your
social life instead. Practice consciously
switching your attention away from yourself and
on to other things. Think of yourself as
exploring and investigating. Notice details
about other people. Their clothing, physical
characteristics, mannerisms, and so on. Be an objective observer. Do not judge. Be curious, develop an interest in
the people around you. You may truly want to know what makes
different people ti, what makes them
similar or different. Observe what the other
person or people are wearing and how stylish or
not you think they are. Try to guess what they might be feeling or what
day they have had. Work out what their
occupation might be. Many successful actors and actresses claim
they are extremely shy in social situations where there are no
scripts to go by, no prompts to rely on. The prospect of
unpredictability is unnerving. Why is it so important to be in control and leave
nothing to chance? Generally, we take
control when we want to protect ourselves from
disappointment or hurt. Exercising control by planning ahead can be a healthy thing. For example, we make
reservations ahead of time. However, exercising control by personally pinning down
every single detail of an event before it
happens in anticipation of people's judgment and
approval is something else. This excessive control can rub life of its luster
and excitement. There is a little chance
for moments that are spontaneous, delightful,
and unexpected. We need to allow ourselves to take tiny risks
into the unknown.
46. Improving Your Social Skills: Shyness and low self
esteem go together. When shyness is high, self esteem is low, and when esteem is high, shyness moves out
of the picture. Shy person is very dependent on other people's
validation and approval. A confident person is not frustrated at not having
achieved his goal. He can enjoy himself since his satisfaction is not tied
to future oriented goals. He is the model of a person for whom the process is the product. People with high self
esteem do not crumble under criticism or feel
devastated by rejection. They thank you for the
constructive advice when confronted with a no, they never take it as
a rejection of them. Instead, they consider
other alternatives. Their act needs more work. The approach was too fast, too gross, too subtle,
too complicated. The situation and
timing were not right. The person who said no has a problem that needs
counsel or sympathy. In any event, the cause of then lies not within
them, but without. They can analyze it and
make plans to regroup forces and return again
with a more polished act. It's easy for them
to be optimists. They get what they want
more often than not. If someone teases you. Do you feel affected? If someone criticizes you? Do you feel the need
to keep talking and convincing other people that you are not what
they said you were? It simply shows you care about
their opinions too much. If someone has the
ability to make you feel less simply by giving
you disapproval? Then they have all the
power and control over you? You have given your power away by requiring
their validation. People, in fact, like people who are not needy
for their approval, it makes an equal relationship
and connection possible. Try to cut yourself free
from this dependence, not to distance yourself
from other people, but to become independent. You want to get to a point
where you are much less dependent on other
people's reactions for you to feel okay
about yourself. A point where you remain unaffected by people's
negative reactions, indifferent to what
people think of you. There is no magic
technique to achieve it. It happens over time as
you gain more experiences. Practice being a social animal. Enjoy feeling the energy
that other people transmit. The unique qualities
and range of variability of our
brothers and sisters. Imagine what their fears and insecurities might be and
how you could help them. Decide what you need from them
and what you have to give. Then let them know that you are ready and open to sharing. Stop being so over a
protective about your ego. It is tougher and more
resilient than you imagine. It bruises, but never breaks. Better, it should get
hurt occasionally from an emotional commitment that
didn't work out as planned, than get numbed from the emotional insulation
of playing it too cool. You are not an object to
which bad things just happen. A passive non entity, hoping like a garden slog
to avoid being stepped on. You can make things happen. You can change the direction of your entire life anytime
you choose to do so. Instead of always preparing for and worrying about how
you will live your life, you forget yourself as you become absorbed
in the living of it.
47. Setbacks in coping with shyness: Over time, we find something positive even in our
misery and our handicaps. Those secondary gains of
misfortune often have immediate benefits who are unwilling to give
up for the cure. It is easier to remain
shy than to change. For some of the shy people, their desire to no longer
be shy is tempered by the knowledge that
they will have to take more risks in
initiating action. Also, shyness may be a
convenient umbrella, preventing exposure to
even worse feelings, being unwanted,
uninteresting, unintelligent. Think about the subtle
things you have gained from pasting that
shyness label on yourself. What do you get out
of your shyness? For example, excuses,
playing it safe and not taking unnecessary
risks, avoiding criticism, keeping aggressive people away, not becoming emotional or too involved in other
people's lives, et c. Some degree of shyness
is perfectly normal. At times, everyone has to deal with situations that
are embarrassing or humiliating or evaluated less well than they would wish. Nothing you can do will
stop such things happening. These events are inevitable. You can accept them, but not let them undermine
your confidence. It's important to realize that
setbacks are a normal part of progress and that you need
not be discouraged by them. If at any stage, you seem to be stuck or even
to have slid backwards. It could be because
you are trying to run before you can walk. Breaking old patterns of thinking and of
behaving takes time. Sometimes you will
find the old ways of keeping yourself
safe re emerge. But what can change
once can do so again. Watch out for
feeling discouraged. Everyone should expect
a few setbacks. When they happen to you, try to take them in your stride. Taking risks and doing things differently can make
you very anxious. You must be willing
to commit time and energy and to risk some
short term failures. You must be patient and
expect some setbacks, some anxiety, and a lot more of you to
be in the spotlight. We can learn much
from our failures. If we are prepared
to accept them as an inevitable but
temporary consequence of trying something new.
48. Solving the Shyness Problem: All of us want to live a
more fulfilling rich life. But to accomplish this, we must be willing to risk freedom to break out
of our own prisons, to gamble on a new friendship, to take the chance
on a love affair. It's not always easy, but there are ways
that each of us can build our own
self confidence. There are definite social
skills that we can learn. Start with getting to
know what you are like, as you begin the process
of self discovery? Ask yourself these questions. What image do you project? Is that image under
your control? That is, do others perceive
you the way you want them to? Do you tend to feel responsible for the
failures of your life? When something good
happens to you, Is it more a matter of fate, luck or your own efforts? Is there anything you would be willing to sacrifice
your life for? Society sends many messages that tell us that
shyness is not okay, but shyness does
not equal weakness. I can be shy and I
can still be strong. So long as I do the
task that needs doing in spite of feeling
nervous or awkward. People can be loud
and boisterous or sh. Shyness does not get in the way of developing strengths
of character. We do not have to buy into society's negative
judgment of shyness. It is an arbitrary judgment. In some cultures, there
is a push for that which is big,
independent, and showy. People from other
cultures would be modified if they displayed
such characteristics. You can choose
whether you want to buy into such arbitrary values. You can choose to value that which is closer to
your true nature. Some people look down
on computer nerds, short people, fat people, people who are too
dark, too light, not intellectual enough, not
sporty enough, and so on. Power politics
will always exist. It's the bigoted person's loss when he looks down on someone. Her prejudice is usually a product of a
lack of education, exposure, brainwashing,
or a mean spirit. We do not have to cooperate
with power politics. We do not have to think that
something is wrong with us, just because someone
else may think so. We do not have to keep
shyness a secret. Perhaps it is time to appreciate your normal shyness
and to do something about that extra
shyness that gets in the way of having as fulfilling
a life as you might like. Shyness is normal. It is when you become about being that you run into trouble.
49. Building Confidence: When you have begun feeling more comfortable in some of
your feared situations, a reasonable next step is
to make some small mistakes purposefully or to do things that make you
look foolish or stupid. For example, pronouncing a word incorrectly while
speaking to your boss, asking an obvious
question in class, or bumping into a door. If being the center of
attention is difficult for you. You should try to draw the attention of others
to your behavior. For example, rather
than arriving early or on time for
a movie or a class, try arriving a few
minutes late so that everyone is aware of
when you enter the room. Although you may feel
embarrassed momentarily, you will learn from
the practice that the whole experience doesn't
matter even minutes later. Your embarrassment
will be temporary. Also, people probably will
forget about your late arrival almost instantly and soon we'll be thinking
about other things. If shins has ruled your life, chances are your life has
been restricted and dull. It's difficult to tell
interesting personal stories. If you haven't been experiencing
what life has to offer. Take a class. Join
a study group. Sign up for a hiking club. Buy a ticket for a travel tour. Pick up a hobby.
Do volunteer work. Attend local talks. As you continue to fill your life with these
kind of experiences, you will find it easier
to tell personal stories. Another way of increasing
the contents of your storyba is to stay tuned to what's
going on in the world. Listen to the news.
Read good books, both current and classic. Watch the latest
movies or videos. If you are going to
a social gathering, you might like to prepare two or three topics
of conversation based on the news stories or fictional stories
you've just read about. Sometimes, another
person's story will remind you of a
story of your own. In the excitement
of remembering, you can jump in too quickly
and start telling your tale. The other person retreats, and you may not even
notice that you have cut him off. Here
the person out. Continue asking
questions and leave your story on the back burner until a more appropriate moment. You can also try to
deliberately arouse some of the symptoms that frighten
you in social situations. For example, wetting
your forehead to stimulate sweating before
giving a presentation, purposefully appearing
to lose your train of thought during a meeting and intentionally allowing
your hands to shake while writing
or holding a drink, by deliberately bringing
on the symptoms you fear in a predictable
and controlled way. You will learn to be
less frightened of having these symptoms
show in front of others. Being able to show
embarrassment over our mistakes that may have
inconvenienced others. Tells people we care about them and we care about staying
in their good books. Blushing as a sign of
embarrassment can be a signal of goodwill
and respect for others. It can reflect our desire to
maintain social connections. Besides, people who are
embarrassable are often less aggressive and more considerate than those who are
unembarrassiable. A person who shows
appropriate embarrassment following a social
mistake is more liable than a person who is too calm and shows no embarrassment. Feeling and embed
occasionally is not the worst thing in
the world. So we goofed. As long as we don't judge ourselves to be
flawed human beings, a little shame and embarrassment can motivate us to
do better next time.
50. Being Genuine. Being Yourself: H iding our true nature
is not attractive. Shyness is a part of you, not all of you and is
nothing to be ashamed of. It's no use trying to please others by telling them what
you think they want to hear. If you lose your true
self in a relationship, there is no relationship. Respect your thoughts and your feelings and share
them with others. Self monitoring stems
from inferiority. You don't think
that people would accept you for who
you truly are. You feel the need to alter
people's impression of you. Becoming authentic means
that the persona you try to put out to the world and your real personality
become one. You stop making any impression on the people you interact with. Ironically, the best
way to make people like you is not to to
make them like you. You need to express
your personality freely without worrying
about possible disapproval. The way to make a
good impression is never consciously try to
make a good impression. Express yourself freely and
let whatever happens happen. Live it up to fate, but do not try to control other people's reactions to you by changing your behavior. Never wonder consciously
what the other person is thinking of you or how
she's judging you. Share your shy
nature with others. Otherwise, shame wins out
and inhibition rules. Next time you admire someone for speaking up, you
can tell him so. I really liked what you
said to that person. I tend to be a little shy when it comes to
that sort of thing. If you are asked to
go out somewhere. You might say, part of
me would really like to. Another part of me
is shy about going. If you are giving
a presentation, you might say, giving talks
isn't exactly my strong suit. Frankly, I would
rather jump through a hoop of fire than give a talk. But I've got some things to tell you that I think you will
find really interesting. What you say does not have to be that funny or interesting. Instead of trying to say the
right thing all the time, start to lower the bar on what
you allow yourself to say. You don't have to entertain people so that they would
want to be around you. You don't need to make
some funny comment to keep their love
and attention. Once you start to value
yourself more as a person, you will start to believe that people can like
you just for you. Stop wondering, what's
the right thing to say in this situation? What you say is the
right thing to say. Not because it's
a great comment, but because it comes from you. Don't be afraid to say things
that are boring or obvious. People are perfectly satisfied talking to another
regular normal person. Plenty of people say dumb
things occasionally, but it doesn't matter to
them because they don't dwell on it and just stay
in the conversation. Don't pre plan what
you are going to say. It kills your spontaneity
and delivery. You have to start trusting
that what you are going to say will come to you naturally when and only when you need it. All you need to do is to keep your focus in the present
moment as it unfolds. There is no right
way of doing things. You can be successful without
being socially skilled. Being socially skilled
neither makes people love you nor prevents
them criticizing you. Being flexible will allow
you to be more spontaneous. L et yourself adapt as
the situation demands, rather than trying to learn
precise rules of the game. This way, your social
life will flow naturally. Spontaneity allows you to express yourself much
more authentically. Life's goal is life itself to
be fully engaged in living, not hiding behind the mask.
51. Conclusion: After years of avoidance, you can't expect
yourself to leap into social situations with
the greatest of ease. Some situations will
still provoke shyness. It's important to realize that a courageous and
confident person is not necessarily
a fearless person, nor is she free
from all anxiety. Susan Jeffers in her book, feel the fear and Do It
Anyway, writes that, no matter how much
her confidence grew, she continued to feel anxious each time she
tried something new. She realized this was
true for nearly everyone. As long as you continue
to grow and put yourself into new and
unfamiliar situations, you are bound to feel
at least a trifle anxious while you are
getting used to things. Anxiety in a new situation is really just life coursing
through your body. You are challenging the unknown, treading the familiar
for the unfamiliar. You are being courageous. Taking action is
less frightening than anticipating
taking that action. Once you get used
to the idea that fear and anxiety are a
normal part of life, life becomes less fearsome
and anxiety provoking. It's okay to explain
to people that you are shy and that you are
trying your best. Once people realize that
you are a nice person and that your intention is never to snub anyone or to be snooty, they are usually
fine about it and sometimes really go out of their way to make you
feel comfortable. It is preferable
to be accepted as a marginal member of the
society and agree to change your behavior than
to remain within the safety of the shyss
shell, but feel lonely. Social inclusion comes at
the price of conformity. But for many, this is
a price worth paying. You have nothing to lose
besides your feelings of isolation, sadness, and pain. The Shai are deviant only in
relation to cultural values. The Western culture
is obsessed with assertiveness, talk,
and extroversion. Shi people have the right to be different but equal
to non shy people. Perhaps society could become more tolerant of
their difference. Maybe the world needs the
shy and the bold and all shades in between to make up the delicately balanced
ecosystem of human behavior. When you love yourself, you stop exploiting yourself. You don't have to
monitor yourself, hoping that people
won't judge you. In other words, you stop bending yourself out of shape in
efforts to please others. Buddha went on to explain that in order to
practice self love, you must first give up the
idea that you are superior. In order to do that, you must
give up feeling inferior. And to do that, you must
give up feeling equal. You give up comparing yourself
to others altogether, and you enter into
connection with others. When you are no longer
concerned about being superior,
inferior or equal, you realize there is more
about human beings that connects them to each other
than sets them apart. Human behavior is
endlessly rich and odd. Shyness is just there. Another piece in the intricate
jigsaw of human diversity. Some see it as a form
of rudeness or conceit, others as a sign of sensitivity
and thoughtfulness. Without shyness, people might be happier in the same way
that they might be happier, without back twinges or other
random defects like acne, myopia, varicose
veins, and dandruff. But perhaps the world would
also be a little blnder, less creative and
less interesting.
Nar Mina, Wellness and Happiness
