How to Stop People-Pleasing and Seeking Approval? The Disease to Please. Stop Being Nice Person

41. How Do We Get Hooked on Approval?: You may not be worthy of love as you are. But maybe there is a way for you to win that love by always trying to be more to give, more to serve more. You have never believed that people can like you, for you. And you end up feeling the need to stretch yourself by serving others in order to gain approval. Nobody gets approval all of the time. That is precisely what makes it so addictive. Your addiction to approval is fed by the fix you receive from periodic expressions of appreciation, gratitude, or affection from others. The reality of life is that a great deal of the things you do for others goes unacknowledged or unappreciated. Because approval is handed out only some of the time. You will want to broaden the base of people whom you seek to please. It is as if you have decided to play four slot machines simultaneously. It seems that by doing nice things for more and more people, your chances of getting more appreciation are increased. But as the circle widens, the pressure to please increases until we remain mired in a quick sand of other people's needs depleted, exhausted, and even resentful. It is impossible to get everyone's approval all of the time. You might as well just stop knocking yourself out trying to do the impossible. You cannot make someone else love you or want to spend time with you, no matter what you do or offer. Trying to make everyone like you will only deepen your sense of inadequacy. Some people may never like or approve of you simply because of their own problems, not because of who you are or what you do. Having others approval may make you feel good, especially if the others are people you like and respect. But you don't need the approval of others to validate your worth as a human being. The most important source of approval is the acceptance you give to yourself. Develop a clear sense of your own judgments and values and govern yourself accordingly. Exercise choice in the place of compulsive habits. Be intentional about what you do and why you are doing it. 42. Putting Others First: Are these statements true for you? I am likely to take the perspective of other people than to consider my own. It is much better to give than to receive. It is extremely difficult for me to ask others for help. At times, I feel taken for granted and disappointed that others aren't there for me when I need help. If you seek to solve every problem you are presented with, problems will inevitably land on your lab. That's the value you believe you bring and what people will come to you looking for. The more you demonstrate that you can do, the more others expect you to do. But just because you are good at it doesn't mean you should do it. Some equate pleasing people with kindness and being good. Conversely, they equate saying no and self assertion with harshness and being bad. So when you do upset or displease someone by prioritizing yourself, you feel immense guilt, and you take it as a sign that you have violated some significant moral code. When you constantly give of yourself to friends and family and do not permit others to give back to you in return, you actually are being manipulative and rejecting, whether you intend to be or not. Making yourself a martyr is no way to make friends. In fact, it is difficult to like the self appointed holier than thou St.. By maintaining a stubborn posture as a giver who refuses to receive anything in return. You deny others the pleasure and good feelings to which they are also entitled by giving back to you. When you give too extravagantly and remain unwilling to receive anything in return, Your motives become suspect. Your intention may be read as an outright attempt to buy the friendship of another. People pleasers who give to the point of utter selflessness can make others feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. When you do favors and kind acts for other people, but refuse to allow others to give back to you in return, you create the ill effects of making others indebted or obligated to you. While you may be operating out of the best of intentions, others may feel resentful and angry because you have manipulated them into a position with which they are uncomfortable. Most people pleasers think in highly polarized terms about taking care of themselves. The two alternatives appear to be either that you can be utterly selfless, always putting other people's needs before your own, or you can be completely selfish, always putting your needs first. There is a third alternative that will best serve everyone, and that is for you to operate in a state of enlightened self interest. This means you will take good care of yourself, even putting your needs first at times while simultaneously considering the needs and welfare of others. It is entirely possible to care about others and to look after yourself. You may choose to be a martyr and sacrifice your own needs on the altar of those of your family and friends. But in doing so, you are not demonstrating that you are unselfish, but merely self destructive. Your desires and ideas are just as important as anyone else's. To you, they can be even more important. 43. Feeling Discomfort When Prioritizing Yourself: Being nice, pleasing and polite is comfortable. Speaking up, being direct, having conflict, expressing what you really want, saying, no, all of these can be quite uncomfortable. We shouldn't want so much, and other people's needs are more important than our own. Even if we do master the will to ask and the other person says, yes, we feel uneasy, wondering if they secretly resent us. We have a hard time accepting what they are giving us. This can lead to apologizing or overthaning, neither of which makes anyone feel good. In general, giving more than we take in life, is a pattern that creates wealth, great relationships, and happiness. But giving does not mean only giving and never receiving. That turns an ideal into an extreme. If we only give and never get our needs met, we will soon feel burned out and resentful. The most effective way to meet our needs is to ask directly for what we want. When we hold back, we feel less alive and less engaged. Life loses its color, excitement and promise. It becomes repetitive, boring and confining. Whenever you leave an interaction of any sort, be it in business or your personal life. Notice how you feel. If you feel drained down, fed up, frustrated, or otherwise upset, most likely you held back. You didn't say what you wanted to say, ask what you wanted to ask and act how you wanted to act. Someone being upset with us is just a trigger for a series of uncomfortable feelings in our body. If you can manage those uncomfortable feelings, you are fine. You may feel discomfort in two forms. First, expressing the real and dealing with the uncomfortable feelings that arise as you do so, or stuffing the real and dealing with different kinds of uncomfortable feelings. The first kind of discomfort is temporary, and when you do it consistently, leads to greater and greater levels of power, ease and freedom. The second kind of discomfort on the other hand, only compounds. The feelings don't discharge, and suffering continues to mount. There is no end to this kind of pain unless you choose to switch over to the first kind of discomfort. 44. Handling Upset in Others: There are two elements to disarming someone who is upset, empathy and agreeing with them. It actually allows you to connect with them without taking responsibility for their feelings. Saying things you don't mean or letting them walk all over you, just to make the problem go away. When someone is upset, they want to be heard. They want to be seen, acknowledged, and validated. They don't want to be ignored, argued with, told they are stupid or wrong. Unfortunately, out of fear of conflict, this is often exactly what we do. Disarming involves finding the grain of truth in what they are saying. We acknowledge that they are feeling that way. Just a simple reflection of what they must be feeling like, described with empathy and love. If you feel guilt and pain every time you act in your own healthy self interest, it will be impossible to not defend yourself. Because on some level, you feel shame as if you have done something wrong. The most powerful way to handle any upset or criticism is simply to accept a piece of it as true. Find something to agree with in what they are saying. This is often the last thing we want to do because when someone is upset, they might be stating that we are hurtful or selfish. And yet, if we can agree with some aspect of the criticism without agreeing that we are a bad person, we neutralize the conflict. We acknowledge that we are human and let go of the need to be perfect. As humans, sometimes we say the wrong thing are insensitive. Focus too much on ourselves, Harbor angry or resentful thoughts, and so much more. It's a huge relief when we can stop pretending that none of that is happening. For example, you hear a criticism. You don't really care about helping people. You are greedy and just want to take their money. You can say. It's true. Sometimes I don't care about helping people. Sometimes I'm focused on myself and don't really think about all the people in the world who are suffering in different ways and need help. Your impulse is to defend yourself, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But if we can embrace the acceptance paradox and not need to clarify, justify or make ourselves look better immediately, we gain a tremendous freedom. Criticism only gets in when your inner critic has already paved the way. You can argue with and defend yourself against your critic all day. But if you simply accept the grain of truth without taking on the implication that you are bad, you can feel a deep sense of freedom and relief. 45. Is Putting Yourself First Selfish?: Wanting to be a good person is not a dishonorable desire, but the idea that you can't assert yourself and at the same time, be a good person is a skewed notion. The idea that being selfless all the time necessarily makes you a good person is also a distorted view. Selflessness noble as it may appear can become a vice if you use it not out of genuine concern for others, but out of a need to project an image people can admire. A good kind of selfishness is centering upon yourself in order to maintain your health and replenish your energy before you give to others. As a child, you may have been guilty into giving up your favorite toy for someone else by being told how sad you are making the other kid feel or being labeled a bad child. From this, you learn that putting yourself first should make you feel guilty. Being selfish is about being attuned to your own needs, valuing yourself enough to honor them. Instead of being quick to wave them aside in the name of pleasing others. It's all right to want to serve others and to nurture the relationships in your life by being there for people when they need you. But in everything, moderation is key. Being selfish is necessary because you are the only one can truly take care of you. Others may be able to remind you to eat well or even serve you food or urge you to exercise or take you to the doctor when you are not feeling well. But these are all external actions. It's only you who can consume that healthy plate of food for your body. Gather up the self discipline to consistently exercise and pick up on your bodily signals that say when you need to go see a doctor. No one will care like you because they simply aren't you and affected in a tangible way. We would like to think that our parents or siblings will come through for us when we need it and they might, but they still won't be able to devote all of their time and effort to you. Only you can do those for yourself. Being selfish does not equate to disregarding everyone else. Just because you missed your friend's party doesn't mean you have turned your back on her forever. Rejecting the invite is not the same as rejecting your friend. The people who truly love and accept you will not reject you or withdraw their affection just because you refuse their request or asserted yourself. Give yourself permission to refuse others, and a few social commitments here and there. If that's what you need to recharge your personal batteries. The world doesn't operate in black and white, and you consequently can't view selfishness as 100% negative. The wrong way to be selfish means being driven by egotism and looking only to use others for personal gain. We just want to take care of ourselves and without necessarily inflicting harm on others. 46. Being People-pleased: Have you ever been on the opposite side of the pleasing dynamic? Perhaps you meet someone socially or at work, and you can instantly tell they like you and are impressed by you. They want you to like them. They are engaged, energetic, and a little too much? They laugh too hard at what you say. They agree too quickly and they smile too much. How does this feel when it's happening? Usually, it's unpleasant. While there is an appreciation or admiration present, there is also a lack of authenticity. It's hard to really trust that person because they are not showing who they really are, and there is the palpable sense that they want something from you. People pleasers need their recipient to react positively to get the sense of acceptance and reassurance they crave. This creates an imbalance that is not conductive to an adult relationship. The recipient of the people pleasing may not want to hold all the power, but he or she is landed with the responsibility for it regardless. People pleasing can be irritating. At first, it's disrespectful and duplicitous. If we use it to maneuver the other person into a position we feel comfortable with. Your boss doesn't want you to please her. She wants you to add something of value that benefits her, the customers, and the company. The executive team doesn't want you to agree with everything and smile. They want you to share your expertise to help them make the best decisions possible. When we serve someone, we ask questions, share our input and try to do whatever is best to help the situation. We can disagree if we think that serves the person. We say what needs to be said, even if it's uncomfortable. 47. Being More Selfish: As a people pleaser, you have a problem with your priorities. When our needs and wants are habitually placed as last priority, you are going to suffer. If we give too much and feel like we do not have a choice about the giving, we will feel resentment. It may start small at first with a hint of disappointment when someone seems to take the meal you prepared for granted. It's the minor irritation you feel with your children as they take forever to get ready in the morning. It's the slight sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction you feel as you fall asleep at the end of a long workday. All of these pressures to be nice and do the right thing. Eliminate a sense of autonomy, freedom, and choice. You have given up your sovereignty. If you own your anger and speak up for yourself, then you can speak about this challenge directly and work through it quickly in your relationships. If you do not, then it will manifest as passive aggressive behaviors, distancing or withdrawing from the other person, secretly judging them, being irritable, internally blaming them, or annoyed by minor things, such as how they breathe pro danos. Healthy self interest means you are frequently looking inwards to discover what you want first. You are considering that before you factor in others needs and wants. This allows you to get clear on what will help you strive. You can say no, even if someone is upset about it. You are responsible for meeting your own needs. This means being able to uncover what you want and need in a situation. If you want attention, you decide how you can skillfully ask for it and receive it. It's time to stop secretly hoping that if we are nice enough and good enough, our needs will magically be met that others will be perceptive and check in with us. You don't have to do everything that someone wants you to do. If you say no, then it's their responsibility to find a different way. Okay. 48. Hurting Someone’s Feelings : Isn't it bad to hurt people? When you tell your boyfriend, you don't want to be with him anymore. That's hurting him. Or if you change the subject when someone's talking, that's hurting their feelings. They will feel dismissed and ignored. They will think you are not interested, which you are not, and that they are not an interesting enough person. The reality is that life is full of pain. Physical and emotional pain cannot be avoided, no matter how hard you try. No matter what you do, people around you are going to feel hurt, and much of the time, it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It's all about the other person's ideas, beliefs, rules, and past wounds. If someone says, I am a terrible cook. Is that your responsibility? Are you somehow to fix that person's distorted beliefs? Should you ask for seconds at every meal served to you from now on, just to be safe? If you break up with your girlfriend, she will feel great pain, but that is not your job to prevent. You can't prevent all pain in her or even in yourself. Your job is to get clear on what you truly want and to communicate this with directness, compassion and love. In fact, the more direct, the better if you dilute your message and imply that you are unhappy, but maybe you can work it out. She now has false hope that drags out the pain even longer. People will feel disappointment and pain around you. Your beloved spouse and innocent children will feel hurt too. It's just the way of things on this planet. This kind of pain, however, is very different from intentional harm. Harm is when someone is feeling pain or anger themselves and decides to act on an impulse to intentionally cause pain in another. Obvious examples of this are physical violence, verbally attacking someone's character or abuse. These are forms of harm and are signals for you to leave the situation. Every day examples of harming others include saying that a biding and critical comment, even though you know it's not true, but you just want to get back at someone. It's losing it and yelling at your kid for doing something small that you know isn't a big deal. These are things that we all might do from time to time and are indications that we are still growing, healing, and evolving ourselves. They are reminders to continue developing patients, non reactivity, and our capacity to love more unconditionally. In short, if you harm someone, do more inner work. If someone around you feels hurt when you clarify what you want and speak your truth, that is a sign for them to do their inner work. 49. Responsibility for Other People’s Feelings: When you become more selfish, it can be messy. There will be feelings. People around may feel upset, angry, or hurt. You may feel guilty and bad about yourself. Human relationships are inherently messy. People have all kinds of feelings. These are not signs that you are doing something wrong. You are doing exactly what you need to do. And other people will have feelings about it. You are not responsible to feel all their feelings for them. You are responsible for you and your feelings. People are not fragile, broken creatures. They are strong and powerful, and they can handle it. Just because the other person feels pain or you feel discomfort, does not mean something has gone wrong. It does not even mean you should change your mind and do whatever you need to in order to smooth things over. Stay the course. Set your sides for healthy self interest. Dismiss a guilty thought or impulse to take responsibility for others. You might think that trying to make other people happy somehow makes you a better person, but it doesn't. Sacrificing your happiness and health to make other people happy is not noble. When you give attention to someone who is constantly feeling sorry for themselves, you are training them to feel sorry for themselves. You are also training them to need you. You get your sense of self from helping those who don't need your help. You have no idea who you are, but you know that other people need you. That's what you tell yourself at least. Stop taking responsibility for other people's emotions and happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. You do not need to be someone's emotional guardian, especially if it is harmful to you. 50. Feeling Guilty?: What if someone wants to talk with you and you don't want to talk with them. What if someone is prattling on with their tenth story about their car engine upgrade, and you aren't in the least bit interested. What if someone asks you to go out with you and you don't want to? What if someone bothers, annoys irritates, or ****** you off. You stuff these impulses way down into your belly and force yourself to be patient, to be flexible, to just go with the flow? So you talk to that person who is annoying. You even pretend to be really excited to see them. You endure conversations that don't interest you and you end up dating someone weeks months or years longer than you should. Guilt and fear make you do all these things. To be kind, compassionate and aware of others is good. If someone is able to harm others without feeling discomfort or remorse, that's part of the diagnostic criteria for being a sociopath. Healthy guilt is a feeling of regret for doing something that you would rather have not done. When you are tired or hungry or self absorbed, we may say or do something that we don't really mean. Healthy guilt comes from your true values and keeps you on track. Destructive guilt comes from faulty rules that you don't really agree with, but accept it when you were young. Healthy guilt is a feeling that arises when you have broken a rule that you actually do value and aspire to live by. This guilt is guiding you to get on track and be the kind of person you want to be in the world. It's a positive force for change. Unhealthy guilt is a form of punishment and self attack. We believe we must be punished for our sins. If we punish ourselves enough and suffer sufficiently for our badness, then we will have atoned for our transgression. This is a distorted form of logic and does not positively influence behavior. Even unhealthy guilt can go wrong. If you break a rule that you actually aspire to, and you treat yourself with anger, harsh judgment, or self hate, then you will miss the true message. You will miss the gift in the guilt. The truth is, you cannot beat yourself into being a better person. Attacking, judging, punishing and criticizing yourself will not lead to improvement. There is a difference between being accountable for your actions and wallowing in excessive self blame. While taking responsibility is a mature and commendable act. Un Duly blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens is simply counterproductive. When you refuse your sister's request to babysit for her, you may start to feel guilty when she begins to talk about how much trouble it would be for her to find a babysitter. You think that it's definitely your fault. She would have to go through all that trouble if you decline. We can acknowledge that our choice is disappointing to someone else, but it's not up to us what they do with that disappointment. What matters is your agenda. Families can't be held together by a perfect Christmas Day. Any more than a marriage can be built on Valentine's cards to demand that you spend time with someone in the way they deem right for their reasons or according to their traditions, isn't love, and it's not deserving of your energy. 51. Empathy vs. People-pleasing: Empathy is defined as the ability to experience the emotions and perceptions of others. To understand others' perspectives, you are stepping away from your own point of view for the purpose of being more fully attuned to the thoughts and feelings of others. Just as you learn to feel understood, so does the other person. But being caught up in what others feel and basing your decisions on that is not empathy. This is how your dependent state of mind keeps you from moving forward. Just because you are highly affected by emotionally charged circumstances, doesn't mean you are being empathetic. For example, overlooking character flaws as you befriend someone. Playing risk your role when that person really needs to be independently responsible. When someone tells you about a day's difficult schedule, you respond with this must have been one of those days when everything went haywire. I'll bet you had your share of aggravations. In this scene, you show concern for that person's stress, but you are not required to somehow make all those aggravations go away. When a co worker is unusually upbeat after hanging up the phone, you might comment. Looks like that problem you were worried about is going to be handled after all. What a load off your shoulders that must be. Once you express your delight, you can move on without having to appear as a cheerleader for that person. If a friend becomes said as she tells you about a very disappointing experience, you are ready to listen, but you are not signing up to become the chairman of that person's fixed committee. When your child gripes because he can't keep the weekend plans he wants, you say, I know you are frustrated when things don't go as you hoped. It's a big disappointment. Even as you express an understanding of the child's disappointment, you can still hold calmly to the stipulations that are part of the family's discipline. Empathy is shown when you can communicate that you are aware of what others are experiencing. Empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with what the other person feels, nor does it require a softness in you that becomes an invitation to be overwhelmed. It simply means that you have a discernment about the other person's state of mind. 52. Being Less Nice: Shedding niceness is not about making you a self centered jerk who just takes whatever you can get from others. This is the common misconception about recovering from people pleasing, that you will automatically just flip to being some sort of terrible sociopath who hurts others. Sdding your excessive niceness and being more authentic creates clearer communications. You may feel an intense discomfort after being less nice in a situation. This can arise as guilt for what you said or did. What did they think of me for speaking up like that? He thinks I'm an idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about. This can lead to endless rumination and replaying of scenes again and again in your mind. Most people think this backlash is the voice of their conscience, the voice of reason. Is it really good to speak my mind like that? Is it really okay to ask what I want? Look at how much I am hurting her when I tell her what's bothering me. Look at how crushed he is. After I told him, I didn't want to date him anymore. You are no longer certain that it's okay to not be nice. Your nice person programming sneakily regains control, and you fall back into the cage. More unsure of yourself than ever. But if you can stick with it and work through the discomfort or the backlash, this is the way out. This is your path to reclaim yourself, the real you who has been lost the layers of niceness, fear, and messages about who you should be. You have the right to say no to anything you don't want to do without needing to justify it or give an excuse. You have the right to ask what you want. You have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number of times and they have the right to say no. You have the right to change your mind. You do not always need to be logical and consistent. You have the right to ask questions whenever you would like to know something. You have the right to disagree with others, even if they know more about the subject than you do. You have the right to share your perspective, even if someone might disagree or be uncomfortable. You have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise not be perfect. You do not have to anticipate others' needs and wishes. If they have them, they can express them. You have the right to feel angry at those you love and to express it in a responsible manner. The opposite of nice is not to be mean, cruel, or careless. The opposite of nice is power, boldness and authenticity. Othenticity is your ability to be you to look inward and know who you are, what you perceive, what you think and feel. It is all about speaking up for yourself and prioritizing yourself instead of always putting others first. Without people pleasing habits, you support others when possible, while knowing that each person is fully responsible for their own feelings. You honestly express your true self, even though it sometimes leads to painful feelings. You freely speak your mind without the need to convince others or make them wrong. You vulnerably express your wishes and desires. You know yourself better than others, and easily brush off negative comments. 53. The Opposite of People Pleasing Behavior: The opposite of ice is not insulting others, saying a bigoted or highly antagonizing things, bullying or attacking people's characters. It's not telling others to shut up, intimidating them, or pushing your little old grandma over in the kitchen. The opposite of being a people pleaser is being real, being direct and honest. It's saying what you really think, expressing how you really feel and sharing what's true for you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see and know the real you. Not being nice means speaking up and asserting yourself, your opinions, ideas, and desires. It's challenging others when you disagree. Standing behind your convictions and being willing to have difficult conversations. You do this because you want full contact with life and other humans, instead of hiding who you are behind a polite wall of fear. When you do have conflict or disagreement, and you inevitably will, if you are being not nice, then you are as vulnerable, skillful and compassionate as you can be in your communications. The opposite of nice is knowing who you are, what you believe in, and what you value. It's you going after what you want because you are not held back by the fear of what others will think of you. You are still kind, caring, attentive, generous, and loving. You still do things for other people. Stretch yourself to give, even if it's hard, but you are not doing that to please others. You can choose to say yes, and you can choose to say no. You can hold back and keep quiet, or you can ask a tough question that challenges someone. If someone close to you is doing something that annoys you, you can bring it up and talk about it. When you really want something and the first response you get is a no, you ask questions and see if the other person is open to changing their mind. You are completely free to choose exactly how you want to be in this moment, based on what feels right to you. You no longer avoid walk on eggshells, tiptoe around or do the dance. You are you, the real you, and it feels good. This is the opposite of being a nice person. Okay. 54. The Alternative to People Pleasing: The alternative to people pleasing is not caring less. It is caring more genuinely, more fairly, more appropriately for yourself and for others. Caring enough to acknowledge that we cannot truly say yes unless we can also say no. Saying yes is meaningless if no was never really an option. You need to get better at being disliked. It will equip you to recover instead of fearing failure. It will teach you how to accept judgment instead of avoiding it. Being less likable is survivable. Any relationship that couldn't withstand a conversation about your needs and feelings wasn't stable to begin with. People's reactions to us are more of a reflection of the relationship they have with themselves than a legitimate judgment of us. We can tune into our feelings and notice that if we feel resentful, that's our cue to set a boundary with the person who resent. Prepare yourself for loss. There will be those who don't want you to stop pleasing. But when they tell you that you have changed, you will know that what they are really saying is I don't like that you are no longer doing it my way. The approval seeker wants to be liked by everyone. The authentic doesn't need to control anyone's perception. You focus on showing up as 100% yourself, knowing that you only need to find your people, not everyone. The people pleaser sees others as better, and their opinions as mattering more. The authentic knows that your thoughts, feelings, and opinions are worth sharing, simply because they come from you. You know that looks, wealth or any other external marker does not increase someone's inherent worth as a human. The people please cannot tolerate being disliked. The authentic gives complete permission for others to think whatever they would like, and loves that diversity of human experience. You know that the only criticisms that bother you are the ones you agree with. The approval seeker worries constantly if it was good enough. The authentic gives whatever you have at this very moment. You focus on being curious, sharing, connecting and enjoying yourself. You know that the world is a friendly place. If someone is harsh, they are disconnected from their heart, deeply hurting and in need of compassion. The approval seeker avoids ruffling feathers and tries to keep everything smooth. The authentic knows that friction is inevitable in all healthy relationships and is a sign of two whole people coming together. The love and connection we deeply crave doesn't come from pleasing others and hiding all our perceived flaws. It actually comes from boldly being yourself, saying what you actually think and feel and sharing yourself with the world. 55. How to Build Authenticity?: If someone feels like they cannot be themselves, they suffer. It doesn't matter how many people love them or admire them. How famous they are or how much money they are making. If they aren't being themselves, stuffing instead of speaking freely, they will be pain. That pain manifests as apathy, negativity, dissatisfaction, or restlessness. All of these are evidence that you will not settle for anything less than authenticity and the freedom to express yourself in the ways you are meant to. While it is great to express your opinions, be aware of becoming opinionated. You can't defend your political views if you don't know what you are defending. You can't talk about how difficult the Chinese language is, if you have never tried to learn it. Never forget that while you have the right to your own opinion, others have a right to theirs as well. Not agreeing on something doesn't mean you won't have a long and fruitful friendship. Creating your own originality is also related to your appearance. How long have you spent wearing the clothes you thought were socially acceptable. Instead of going for the ripped jeans and boots you have dreamed of. Get the hair cut you want. Were the clothes you feel comfortable in. It's not important what others think about you. It's all about how you feel. You have every right to express yourself as you see fit. You aren't hurting anyone. Your ideas and opinions may surprise some people. You may feel uncomfortable if someone doesn't agree with you, but nothing worse will happen. If you want to be hurt, it's essential that you speak up. Don't let the moment to speak your mind pass and then feel resentful for not saying something. It's okay not to get it perfectly right every time. Plenty of people find themselves in a situation where they can't express themselves. Center your mind and refocus on exactly what you want to say or do. 56. Expression of Who You Are: Obviously, as we get older and more mature, we need to learn some measure of restraint. We don't say everything that comes to our minds, and we find more tactful and skillful ways to assert ourselves. However, we can spend way too much energy on saying things just right. We have so many ideas about whether it's okay to speak up at all. How we should say something if we do choose to speak up and how the other person should not have any negative reaction to us. We have that initial impulse to blurt something out and it travels through this complex mental algorithm of what's right. What's nice, either nothing comes out at all or it's some heavily manipulated communication designed to be polite and acceptable to all. What comes out is often not us and feeling like we cannot be ourselves is one of the greatest forms of human suffering. Instead of weighing variables, calculating all factors, and attempting to control the external world. You can surrender. Begin by tuning into your intuition. Listen to it, if you have a sense about something, like when you get the feeling, it's best to go here instead of there. If your gut tells you it's a bad move to work with a certain person, then act on it. If we can risk attracting people with who we really are without the facade, we might find that we get fewer knocks on the door, but the ones that knock will be the right ones. If we are only okay when we meet a set of conditions. We are not really okay at all. The only okaness worth having is unconditional. Being loved and accepted as we are with no strings attached. You can communicate as the real and tolerate the liking and the disliking this brings. You can cope with both, neither need drive. Let your behavior be a reflection of who you are and don't try to be perfect. By manifesting our own unique nature, will blossom into becoming who we truly are. We are able to think, feel and act in ways that are separate from those around us. True intimacy between family members, partners or friends can only happen when the people involved are differentiated. Okay. 57. Being Authentic in Communication: People pleasing isn't attractive because it's not authentic. We he saying the wrong thing, looking foolish or being judged. When we are looking to please, our focus is on how to say and do what we think the other person wants, regardless of what is true for us. This disconnect from our true selves immediately reduces our attractiveness. When your primary intent in all interactions is to be liked, you are monitoring how you come across and adjusting what you say or do to mold others' perceptions of you. If your goal is to get people to like you, you will avoid certain topics. Smile politely and agree with everything. But if your primary goal is simply to get to know the other person and let them know you, you can relax and enjoy communication. Knowing someone comes from sharing what is really happening inside transparently and vulnerably. It requires authentic expression of what we are experiencing in the moment. This includes what we are thinking, feeling, noticing and perceiving. What we want and don't want, L and dislike. Not some heavily filtered version of this, but what's actually happening inside of us? What's actually true? When two people are doing this, the conversation becomes engaging. Even if they don't agree on all topics, there is a strong connection because both people are fully present, fully d in the moment. In contrast, when we come from a place of wanting to be liked, we are not fully there. We are hiding parts of ourselves, and much of our attention is in our heads. Filtering what we will say next to get the person to see us in a certain way. This lack of presence is instantly felt subconsciously by others, and they become less engaged and less interested, even if we are being friendly and asking all the right questions. Energy trumps content every time. If your goal in being with others is not to be liked but to be known to share who you are and find out who they are. Then you can connect and have fun. When you stop trying to be liked and your intention is just to share who you are as you are. People like you way more. They are naturally drawn to you, and there is an ease and effortlessness about how you attract them. You can reveal yourself. You don't have to wait until you are better or have it all sorted out. You can be you Others will notice your authenticity and be drawn to you. You are there to share who you are, enjoy yourself and discover who this person in front of you is. You ask what you really want to ask. If you are worried that the other person will not like you, then you have two options. You can choose to hold back, play nice and try to be everything you think they want you to be. Or you can choose to step up and be real. The first option is safety and leads to pain and isolation. The second can feel like your risk because you might get rejected. In fact, you will get rejected at times along the way. But you will also be accepted and deeply loved by the people you are meant to connect with. You are not looking for every man or every woman to like you. You are looking for your people. Remember that you are not for everybody. 58. Discover Yourself: As time goes by. People pleasing becomes such a strong part of our personality that it is hard to identify. It's like people who constantly swear, but they don't realize it. The difference is because many people don't like a lot of foul language, it's easier for others to confront them on their bad habit. But people aren't going to highlight your people pleasing behavior. It is down to you to identify situations where you tend to people please. You need to be aware that you are about to say yes to something you don't want. Feelings tell you what's right or wrong about the situation. Acknowledging how you feel is just the beginning for recovery. Then it's about what you do with the information your feelings provide. Ask yourself what you are feeling. The moment somebody makes a suggestion, you have a split second emotion. It could be nervousness, sadness, dread, panic. You can't just skip over the emotion. Put your finger on it and call it what it is. Pay close attention in your interactions with others and notice when you disagree. As you listen to someone speaking, ask yourself. Do I agree with this? When you when you disagree, simply take note of it. You don't actually have to say anything. You are just building your awareness about what you actually think and feel. If you are talking with someone and not feeling satisfied with the conversation, ask yourself, what do I want here? Perhaps you discover that you want to end the conversation so you can talk with someone else. If you feel ready for it, simply tell the person at the next opportunity. It's been great talking with you. I am going to head over to the lounge area for a bit. I'll catch you later. Before you say yes to something, you need to take a little time to assess the situation and decide if you are saying yes, because you feel you have to or because you want to. The idea is not to become a person who never helps or is selfish with her needs. We want to find a balance. Relish the experience of embarrassment. Embarrassment inoculation is a method of eliminating your fear of what other people think of you by intentionally doing things that embarrass you. This might include lying down on a busy sidewalk, dancing on a street corner or trying to order a pizza at ice cream shop. You do things that will draw attention and will draw judgment on purpose. And by doing so, you discover that it's no big deal, and you can handle whatever happens. Discomfort is inevitable in life. No matter how safe, predictable and small we might try to keep our lives, we can't escape. Even if you avoid many things, play, extranie and avoid all risks, you will still get uncomfortable. You will become stagnant, stuck, and bored with your life. You will feel the pain of life passing you by and living on the sidelines. When you voluntarily confront discomfort, you become stronger and more resilient. Accept responsibility for your own life, regardless of who did what to bring you to this place in your life. It is now your job to take it from here. 59. Who Are You? What Do You Want?: When our boundaries are weak, we tend to have a very shaky hold of knowing what we think and believe. We automatically look to others to determine what our thoughts and opinions might be. We look to others to determine our reality for us. You may experience this as a lack of certainty in your perceptions and convictions. You may not have a strong opinion on much of anything. You also might feel quite a bit of self doubt about what you say, whether it's right or if others agree with you. You assume others opinions are more intelligent, better researched, and more valid than your own. Objection. Start with what you don't want. Then pay attention to what answers emerge without dismissing or filtering them. Let yourself explore, get curious and find out what's really going on inside. You are listening inwards for guidance, rather than simply focusing on what everyone else wants and what a nice guy or good girl would do. Over time, you will start to discover what you like and dislike. You will get to know yourself better and have more clarity in your life. Chronic indecisiveness is a result of being disconnected or alienated from your true self. You don't even know what's happening deep in there. There is too much noise about what they want. What a godly or spiritual person should think, feel, and want. You are scared of picking something and it looking bad or them not liking it, or of making a mistake and choosing the wrong thing. We let others decide for us because we have learned that discovering what we want and asking for it is somehow inconsiderate of others. Occasionally, not having clarity and letting others decide is natural and not problematic. But if it's your default setting, then it's a sign of too much niceness and low social power. Over time, it can irritate and repel others. This is because always letting others decide puts the responsibility on them. They now have to decide for themselves and for you. But they don't really know where you stand because you don't share. This creates frustration, annoyance, and a desire for less contact. A Chronic pattern of being unsure, never knowing what you want, letting others make the decisions will eventually create distance that erodes the relationship. Are you bad for wanting to travel somewhere to eat something for wanting less time with someone or more time with someone. There is no good or bad here. There is just what you want and what you don't want. You can choose whether you want to act on your desire and ask for it. In some instances, you may decide to override your want and let it go. But that comes from a place of self love and choice, not fear and shame. 60. Being More Confident: It's okay if you experience confusion about what you want, who are complex creatures and made up of many different parts. Part of you wants to spend time with that friend and part of you would prefer to be alone. It seems like no matter which one you choose, there will be some sadness or missing out by not having the other option. That's okay too. Let yourself miss the other option, even as you pick the first one. The sense of freedom, ease and confidence we want doesn't come from picking the right choice in all situations. It comes from looking inward, asking ourselves what we want and honoring what we discover, even if we don't choose it or we don't get what we want. The simple act of valuing your own desires creates positive feelings of power and freedom. Uncover what you think about a situation. Start looking inward in all settings at work, in meetings, while speaking with your boss, with your spouse, friends, and parents. Ask yourself, what do I think about this? What's my opinion? You don't have to even voice your opinion at first. You just have to assess where you stand internally. Not as if you agree or disagree with what someone is saying, If you disagree internally, don't immediately push that away with rationalizing and telling yourself to be more flexible and open minded. Instead, honor that difference. You might be automatically assuming that other perspectives are more valid because you deem them as smarter and better. Part of this might be due to their age, experience or status. It might also be a response to a level of certainty they have when they communicate. If they sound confident, it can automatically create a sense of uncertainty or doubt inside of you. But just because someone sounds certain, it does not mean that what they are saying is accurate. It also doesn't mean that it's researched or backed by anything at all. Sometimes people just say stuff. This is happening behind everyone's facade from doctors to TV experts to your seemingly confident boss. Hose people might have a lot of experience insight and factual knowledge on various topics. But they are prone to bias like the rest of us are uncertain about all kinds of things and often just fill in the gaps with as much certainty as they can muster. They package it in confidence and lean on their education, experience or status to make it sound like it's highly researched and valid. Start to pay attention to this phenomenon around you. Question the sources of people's knowledge and start to see through the illusion that others' opinions are more intelligent or important than your own. Start to look inward and find your own thoughts and feelings about the subjects you encounter in your daily life. 61. Overcoming Fear of Rejection: When a sales representative offers a new product and the client says no, he feels rejected. He has taken the word no as a personal attack. But in reality, the client only said no to the product. To overcome the fear of rejection, it is essential to understand that at some point in our lives, we will feel rejected. It could be the end of a job or relationship, a short term period, like when someone doesn't reply to a message or a no to an idea. It is perfectly normal and should in no way be taken personally. What you need to do is learn from your experience. If you have applied for a job and you didn't get it. The first thing that hits you is the wave of rejection. Allow yourself to process this, but for no more than a minute, then decide what you did right and what you could have done better. Ask for feedback. If someone has said no to you, don't dwell on it. You might be tempted to start with if only I had, but it really isn't worth it as you are turning the blame back onto yourself. Remember that at some point, everyone gets rejected. It's important not to take it personally. In most cases, people are rejecting an idea or a suggestion, and they are not rejecting you as a person. If you fear rejection from a loved one, it might be because you can't stand the idea of being lonely, so you can work on strengthening the other relationships in your life. This might not always be sufficient to overcome your fear, but it might be enough for you to take baby steps or at least make yourself more aware. Have faith in your ability to get back up again. If someone says no, you may feel horrible for a few minutes or hours. Maybe a day. But in one week from now, will it still have the same significance? Or will you have gained something better? Either way, you are strong enough to survive. 62. Enduring Disapproval : Think of someone you know and like and imagine them disapproving of you for something you did. For example, let's say you get terrified about being late for meetings with your boss. Whenever you are late, you have a mini panic attack and spend your commute freaking out about how bad it will be. In that case, imagine being late for a meeting and your boss disapproving of you for it. Imagine yourself going through with it and let yourself see in your mind's eye the disapproval. Then bring your attention to your body, right into the part that's most tense, tight or constricted. It might be your chest, throat, stomach or forehead. Maybe your shoulders hunch up and your jaw clenches. Wherever you feel tension, let your attention rest there. Then breathe, notice and feel. Stay out of your mind and in your body. You are simply increasing your capacity to tolerate this kind of discomfort. You don't need to make it go away or solve anything. You are just hanging out for several minutes with these sensations. It's uncomfortable. Yes, someone might get upset with you. You are not hurting anyone. It might annoy someone, but you can handle it and no one dies. 63. Building Autonomy: People pleasing takes your personal identity out of the picture. You dare not speak your opinions unless you know everyone else feels the same way you do. You cease to exist. There is simply no autonomy. All of us need validation from others. We thrive on a claim, compliments, praise and overall kindness. There is nothing wrong with that. But people pleasers rely entirely on the approval of outsiders. They are low self value, makes them dependent on other people's opinions. They are like a shadow as they are completely reactionary to other people. Even if you are being complimented for what you have done, that reflects an action, and not you. You are fueled by your need for approval, not by your own character, qualities, or abilities. Autonomy is the ability to think and act independently of others. An autonomous person knows what they truly believe and why they believe it. When an autonomous person does help someone else, it's because they feel real concern for someone or something based on their own emotions or principles, not those of outside world. It's a free choice, not born of a desire to avoid rejection or judgment. Field autonomy and become free from the opinions and thoughts of others. Okay. 64. Learning to Be Disliked: We all have a set of rules, the ones that tell us how we be, how we so be around others, what we should say and do and what we so never say and do. These are the rules about what will make others like us or reject. I should be charming and witty and always know what to say. I should never allow an awkward moment of silence in the conversation. I should never disagree with others. I shouldn't change the subject abruptly. If you ask why you should follow that rule, your mind says because you to disobey would be bad and wrong. There is not sufficient reason to keep a rule. It has to fit with who you are and come from your values, not some old programming, unconsciously passed down from your parents. How much control do you really have over what makes people like you? We don't like the idea that some people can dislike us. We intellectually understand that this is inevitable, but we hate it emotionally. Each person has their own history, perspective, and world view. Some people will dislike you simply based on your appearance, your physical features, or the clothes you wear. Some people may dislike you because you remind them of their critical mother or they are. Others might feel intimidated or envious, and to deal with feeling inferior, they will judge and criticize you in their heads to bring you down a notch to their level. Still, others are just feeling dissatisfied in their own lives, fist off at their spouse or boss and looking for an outlet to release their pent up frustration. The reasons could go on and on, and they are mostly mysterious and remain unexamined in people. We won't get curious as to why we have a negative reaction to someone. We won't look inward. We will think that person sucks, and that's that. We don't have control of whether people like us or not. The only thing we have control over is how fully we show up, how much we put ourselves out there. How freely we can be ourselves around others. Trying to control everyone else's responses is futile. So focus on what you can control. How fully you allow yourself to show up. 65. Being OK With Being Disliked: When you notice yourself feeling all twisted up about some negative feedback or someone not liking you or something you did, stop what you are doing. Slow down and take a few minutes to find the place in your body that is hurting. You mind might be speeding out 1,000 thoughts per minute about how they are wrong, how dare they and how bad you are. Let this keep spinning and drop your attention out of your mind into your body. Notice the squeezing in your chest or the tightness in your throat or the hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. Bring your attention right there to the center of that uncomfortable feeling and hold it with compassion, patience and love. Nothing to change, solve, figure out or fix. Just feeling and breathing. After doing this for several minutes, you might be amazed at how much better you feel without changing anyone's opinion of you at all. You don't need to convince every person that you are good and worthy. Some people will love what you are doing, and some will not. That's okay. You are not for everybody. One person dislikes people who make more money than they do and another person dislikes and it looks down on people who make less. One person likes someone who tells long detailed stories and another person hates it when people tell stories because they get restless and bored. No matter what you do, some people are inherently going to dislike it and dislike you. This can sound terrifying at first until you realize that you are not for everybody. Increased self criticism and self hatred leads to shame, which actually leads to more behavior that is negative. Getting pissed at yourself doesn't actually help you learn or grow any faster. Because when you feel terrible inside, how loving are you with others? Your behavior should not be driven by others external expectations, but by your own internal principles. Okay. 66. Stop Seeking Approval: Your desire for approval reduces your authenticity and sense of freedom. It also leads to feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and generally being dissatisfied with social interactions. Poorly defined boundaries make us very susceptible to the perceptions of others. You think my shoes look stupid. Now I think my shoes look stupid. I have funny looking teeth, and my ears are too big. Now, I imagine you are looking at my teeth and ears and judging them as funny looking and too big. To live in your reality means you own who you are, what you like, what you believe in, what you stand for, and what you think and feel in the moment. These things matter to you more than the perceptions, likes and beliefs of those around you. Overcoming people pleasing requires us first to look at who we truly are on the inside? If you can't remember what you love and what you hate, you need to get to the bottom of these questions. When you are able to see your needs and passions, you can set the foundations for a change. Ask yourself the following questions. Is it really necessary for me to justify my behavior as much as I do. Can I give myself permission to be unique, knowing that difference can actually be good. Just because someone questions my reasoning, does that automatically require me to alter my thinking? As you relate with those closest to you, sameness is not the goal. Blending and harmonizing in the midst of difference is the goal. Determine that you can be a team player even in those moments when there is no sameness of thought. The more desirable alternative to being a people pleaser is to be a person who makes a very intentional choice to care. A choice of when, how and to whom you give your limited time and resources. Giving up people pleasing does not mean that you must sacrifice your giving nature. It means giving up the compulsion to be nice to everyone all the time. 67. Give Yourself Approval: Letting go of the past means giving up claim to receiving what was wanted in childhood. Except that our time for fulfilling these needs from our family is now past, and we must take the mantle of responsibility for our own life. If our family does not love us for who we really are, there is nothing we can do. If you cannot make them love you, then you also cannot lose their love by being yourself by being true to yourself and by acting in accordance with your own perceptions and integrity. You are presenting the only you that you have. The members of the family will either accept you or they want. As we come to understand what our family is capable of giving us, we can decide how much or how little to invest in those relationships. The feeling of belonging that we sought from our family is becoming relocated to a more secure place within ourselves. You want people to because of your values and because you treat others with kindness and respect and not because of how hard you work to please others. It is actually manipulative to give of yourself to others as a way to buy their approval and affection. Better motives for giving of yourself are love, liking and valuing the other person's company and friendship. You also have to give up the heat of praise that you get when you please people. Having the approval of others may be desirable or preferable, but it isn't absolutely necessary in order to validate your self worth. Some people may dislike or disapprove of you because of their own biases, prejudices or emotional issues. That's not your problem. It isn't possible for everyone to like or approve of you. Don't try. The most important source of approval is your own. 68. Pleasing in Friendships: Unlike family, friends don't have to be forever. The beauty of friendship is its flexibility. It's not family. It's not for life. So we shouldn't feel the same pressures. If we find that our overlap reduces in time or our contexts change, or if our friendship is no longer appreciated, we can move on and make new friends. We can end friendships when they don't work for us in order to make space for others, that will Sometimes we do have to give up on people, not because we don't care, but because they don't. When friends treat you like they don't care, you should believe them. It takes courage to end a friendship, if it's run its course or brings irreconcilable conflict. It's okay to allow yourself to outgrow a friendship. If friends want more from us than we want from them, that isn't wrong. You are entitled to want whatever you want from friendships and be wherever friend you want to be. You don't have to do things their way, but they don't have to do things your way either. If a friendship doesn't let us be ourselves or doesn't help us grow, then it was never really a friendship to begin with. Your idea of a friend might be a partner in crime on wild nights out or a constant stream of what's up chatter. Whereas their idea of friendship might be a wave and a smile in the school playground or a coffee once a month. Maybe you don't want to commit to being someone's trusted confidant and life coach. Maybe a good friend is one who wants what we want from the friendship. If they don't, it doesn't make them a bad friend, but it might mean they are not the right friend for you. Equally, don't let people compare you to the friend they want. You can't have a healthy friendship with someone who is forever judging it against the idea of a better friendship. It's not your responsibility to meet all their friendship needs. Be yourself in friendships and be the friend you want to be. After all, you might as well be criticized for who you are rather than who you are not. Maybe your friends need less from friendship. That's not a reflection on you and you can re audition for someone who better fits the bill. The vacancies in our cast will evolve as will our availability. If we can accept the fluidity of friendships, we can free ourselves from taking it personally when things inevitably change. Maybe there is an overlap in your lifestyles for a time, or maybe your kids get on for now, but it doesn't have to last forever. An evening of connection needn't translate into yet another active friendship for you to dutifully maintain. If you don't have the need or the capacity for another friend right now, it's okay to smile and say goodbye at the end of the evening. You can be friendly without becoming friends. The best thing about having honest friendships is that you don't have to hide how you feel about something or your views. Nobody should feel that they have to compromise who they are for a friendship. It's perfectly okay for people to have their own opinions. You don't need to like the same things rather than agreeing with everything. It's better that you and your friend simply agree to disagree on certain things. Not every friendship will be built to last the duration, and you don't want to force the matter because then the relationship isn't genuine. 69. Being a People Pleaser at Work: The traditional work culture can cast us back to being children. Some people pleasers talk about work as if it were school. Grown adults are suddenly reduced to the patterns of supplicant children by the overbearing culture of an institution with stuffy dress codes and inflexible hours. Eager to please, they are forced to comply with their bosses. That's not to say we shouldn't follow rules at work. They need to be practices and expectations that are professional and protect workers rights to do their jobs. These aren't rules for rules sake or for the purpose of having power over others and creating parent child relationships where they don't belong. Many companies have become more progressive in their approach and understand that flexible working isn't a reward for good behavior. It's a healthy ingredient of a mutually respectful and collaborative environment. Presentism doesn't equate to delivery. A zero absence record isn't proof of superhuman stamina or dedication to the job. However, rules that less enlightened employers force to police employees and make them compliant can crush the morale of a team and tank their productivity. Showing up as a strict authority figure will guarantee you a workforce of naughty children or teachers pets. Expectations not founded in logic create a power imbalance that isn't be fiting of an adult workspace and drives employees into insecurity. In this childlike fight or flight space, we can't be problem solving, collaborative, or effective. Aiming for the gratitude of your boss by being agreeable and pleasing erodes your sense of competency and diminishes your credibility. You can end up avoiding criticism and retribution by never deviating from the norm or thinking outside the box. Conversely, a willingness to be disagreeable and assertive can actually make you more valued and respected. There is a big difference between being indifferent and being comfortable with being different. Being more consistently yourself, imperfect, but engaged will help you feel more relaxed and better able to function. Start to show up as you are authentic and self governing according to your own adult moral compass, so that you can act neither over compliant nor defiant. 70. Feeling Inferior to Your Superiors : In any given social situation, we are assessing where we fall in the PEC hierarchy and behaving accordingly. Based upon appearance, wealth, position in an organization, clothing, and many other criteria, we are determining if we are above or below this person. This happens mostly unconsciously, what is happening nonetheless. We consciously know that our superiors in business just have a higher rank or status than us. But we subconsciously think that they have a higher quality than us. As a result, we often approach people who are of a superior standing in the company as if we are inferior human beings. This can amplify approval seeking, people pleasing, or hesitation. It also generates fear, avoidance, worry about meetings and presentations. Changing your stance towards others requires awareness. As soon as you stop buying into a given metric of status, you have broken free. For example, if you truly did not care about how much money someone had, you would walk into a room full of billionaires and interact freely and confidently. You could start conversations, make jokes, and just be yourself. If on the other hand, you were locked into the cultural mindset that your net worth equals your human worth, then it would be a different story. You would be nervous about entering that room. You would be hesitant to approach people, join into groups, and engage others for fear of them looking down upon you. The key to being less nice around your bus, senior management, and anyone else is to see through the company's strata and look right at the person in front of you. The human being, the soft, fleshy pile of bones, organs, and skin. The one who has hopes, dreams, and fears just like you. Everyone you work with no matter how high up in the company, how successful, how experienced, or how rich, is still just some person. They sleep in a bed, poop in the morning, and sometimes get terrible gas that they try to hide from others. They sometimes feel happy, excited, and confident and sometimes they feel confused, insecure or inferior. Even if you have never seen them act that way. They have challenges in their relationships, and sometimes struggle with their spouse or kids. They will get old. They will get sick. They will feel afraid at times and eventually they will die. Remind yourself that they are just a person. Think of them using their first name, not their title. The more you see through the suits and the I got it altogether facade, the more relaxed and confident you will become. 71. Admitting Personal Limits : Pridful people find it difficult to say, I am limited. I am not able to be ideal. We are human and we have limits. In humility, people can expose their weaknesses or hurts, not because they are shaming themselves, but because they do not want to erect any false pretense about who they are. You need to admit that you have weak moments. Sometimes you will miss a few things in your parenting, and that's not necessarily disastrous. Admit your limitations as opposed to trying to make people think you will correct all your deficiencies. Live within yourself. Knowing full well, some people may never endorse your choices. It's a relief to think that you can declare yourself to be limited. Then you could give up the impossible task of satisfying your critics. The judgments of others can cause us to lose confidence or to stray from the path of healthy choices. You have become so conscious of others pronouncements that you take them too seriously. Be willing to hear what others say about your decisions. But remember that these people do not have the prerogative to declare if you are a good or bad person because of those decisions. 72. Not Being Shocked at Others’ Rudeness: Many people pleasers can't accept that people can be rude or demanding or finicky. A woman prides herself in being a loyal friend, but feels disillusioned as it becomes evident that others don't reciprocate the same loyalty. A member of a civic organization is disinganted? Because other members do not carry their share of the group's efforts as he does. An employee is disillusioned about her job because no one seems to recognize the many out of the way things she does to make things run smoothly. We have legitimate hopes for some measure of appreciation or admiration, and we'll start thinking, what's wrong with these people? Or why can't they show a little respect? When you act kindly toward others, you believe they should at least have some measure of thankfulness in return. You have this hidden demand, which leads to tension, but others can and will act in unappreciative ways. The ugly truth about human nature is that people are often so absorbed by their own desires that they cannot make room for others perspectives. You may feel grief about this sad state of affairs, but don't be shocked. Don't build your hopes upon something elusive. You can consider yourself fortunate when you receive gratitude from others, but it is not something you can hinge your happiness on. Friends may be inconsistent. Children may be ungrateful. Employers may be unappreciative, or relatives may be judgmental. It is necessary to adjust your emotions and behaviors when ideals are not met. But many people p will push themselves to be super responsible, so they might somehow rewrite those painful truth. People will disappoint us. Ideals will never be fully realized. It is your responsibility to be the best you can be while it is not your responsibility to make others appreciate your efforts, nor it is your responsibility to ensure that others do their best. Don't kid yourself that you have to pick up everyone else's slack when they choose not to be responsible. You do have the ability to make someone happy or sad. But they also have the choice to control how they feel. 73. Being Aware of Your Habits : The habit of self awareness begins with questioning the motives for your actions. Why exactly am I going out of my way for this person? Do I genuinely care for them? Or am I just afraid of what might happen without them? Would I be doing this out of free will? Self awareness will help you understand why you are working so hard to gratify other people. If you are doing because you really want to or because you think you have to? When you are about to do something that you are not sure you want to do. Take note of the moment you are starting to feel internal resistance. When that happens, stop everything and question why you are doing it. Keep asking why until you hit the truth about yourself. Are you doing it out of free will and generosity? Awareness practice is sustained attention to thoughts, feelings, body, and behavior. You are being aware of the present moment. This is a willingness to become more awake. No. For some people, feelings precede thoughts. Before a people pleasing thought arises. They feel anxious, uncomfortable or nervous. Or you may notice your body's reaction first. Tightness in the neck, a hunching of the shoulders, a knot in the stomach, or a clenching of the jaw. Once you pin down the feeling, you can set up a kind of alarm system in your head. I am feeling anxious. Got a watch out for the people pleasing thoughts. Or my stomach is tense. I wonder if I'm doing people pleasing stuff. Now, you have the ability to make a decision to act differently than you did before. This simple act of noticing can change the course of the cycle. Practice watching your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body sensations without labeling them as good or bad. When we pass judgment on a thought or feeling, we are trying to scare it away so that we can pretend it never existed or punish ourselves for having thought or felt it in the first place. It is only by accepting and examining thoughts and feelings that we can discover their source and thus change them. As a thought or feeling rises up, be it mean or angry or stful, we can lightly brush it with the feather of awareness. Simply notice the thought or feeling. That's interesting. I feel angry. There is no judging here. Just noticing. Acknowledging emotions and thoughts diminishes their power. 74. Getting Rid of Toxic People-pleasing: Nice people often act from an impersonal ethic, expressing the values of a religion, special interest group, teacher, or the culture at large. There is nothing wrong with having the same values as others, but we require a personal ethic. That means that the values have been tested against the body, heart, and mind and found compatible. Your actions are not driven by anxious thoughts and neediness anymore. They are driven by a personal ethic. Form your own opinion before asking anyone else for theirs. There is nothing wrong with asking for input from friends and partners, but make sure you are in charge of the process. A nice person in any given situation will likely go along with someone else's wishes, not because they think it's the right thing to do, but because they have anxiety about causing conflict or losing friendship, love, or status. We must become familiar with our own shadow. We must stop the denial and the pretense that we are just the sweet, not the sour, the peaceful and never the peace. We are not perfect. When we deny and hide the truth from others, we feel like an impostor, a fraud, and have a deep fear of being discovered for who we really are. Acknowledge and accept the unsightly, undesirable and unacceptable parts of yourself. Don't deny it, or try to convince anyone that you are a good guy with no negative feelings. It makes us less afraid of what others will think and much less susceptible to their judgments. The things we are most afraid others will judge us for pettiness, anger, jealousy, insensitivity, greed, sexual desires, and all the rest, we accept. We won't have to vehmently deny or defend the reality that part of us is sometimes selfish or angry or greedy. It stops being such a big deal. We become more at peace with all aspects of ourselves. We start to become okay with who we are. Ask for what we want. Speak our truth and say what needs to be said, even if it's uncomfortable. 75. Fixing the People Pleaser: We think that a polished polite image is what's going to win the hearts of those who desire. This comes from a deep fear that if you were to simply reveal who you really are, others would be repelled. You do this to avoid rejection and stay safe. Safe and alone because niceness blocks true connection and attraction. It's your true shape, rough edges, and unrefined energy that is going to attract your beloved. The way you just say what you think, Express what you feel and laugh at what's funny to you. The way you scrunch your nose up in disgust at oysters and other things you don't like. Your ability to be right there with the other person, making real contact with each other. That is what creates the charge. When we live our lives, according to the opinions of our parents or anyone else, we give up our identity as individuals. The more of the real, other see, and the more of the real them they show you, the greater the potential for genuine connection. We can build more rewarding and authentic relationships. If someone communicates displeasure with your perceptions. It is not necessary for you to immediately alter what you think. First, carefully assess what is said, and then respond as you deem best. If a person becomes argumentative with you, you are not required to enter into the argument, nor do you have to retreat in fear. State your beliefs, but don't feel like you must make that person agree with you, or that you must continue to engage in the argument after both sides have stated their position. You have different perspectives, and that differentness can be cause for celebration, not degradation. Do not panic if you slip. Do not engage in perfectionist self defeating thinking. You don't need to be perfect in order to be recovered. If you sleep, you simply need to notice recommit to recovery and make good choices. The next time, a people pleasing challenge comes your way. A mistake only becomes an error when it is overlooked and repeated. You may very well sleep now and then into some people pleasing behavior. Notice your sleep. Learn from your mistake and commit yourself again to changing your behavior. 76. Final thoughts: Our feelings are our greatest gift. They tell us what we need in any given moment. We must learn to recognize our feelings and understand what they signal so that we can take the right steps. Everyone takes a walk down memory lane and ponders on the mistakes they have made, simply because there isn't a single human being that hasn't made some kind of mistake in their life. Looking at these mistakes can be a great opportunity to learn more about yourself, except that certain things will happen and that you can't be too hard on yourself. If you can't put your needs ahead of others, you run the risk of burning out and having nothing left to give. Self care is not selfish. When you get on a plane, the flight attendants tell you, in the case of emergency to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. That's a practical example of self care, which is clearly aimed at a wide or good. You are not to automatically shut down your initiatives just because they are questioned. Others are allowed to have erratic reactions to you, but those reactions may be less about you and more about the persons having them. You can interpret your own differences from others as being just that different. This does not mean you are better or worse, but unique. Stay out of debates, not because you are afraid to debate, but because you know that you don't always have to prove that you are okay. If you expect yourself to be the perfect parent child, sibling, friend, neighbor, and colleague all rolled into one, never upsetting anybody or messing up any of those relationships, then you are setting yourself up for failure. You will be bound to feel like you are never enough because the reality is that no single person can be everything to everyone. Remember that you are allowed to mess up, that you are not responsible for others happiness, and you are allowed to put yourself first. You may believe that you are only worth something for so long as you are of use to others. Our mistaken belief that happiness comes from outside of us is what's truly messing it up. In this modern age, when social media has made it so much easier to flaunt status symbols and compare your life with others, it is very easy to believe that everything worth having is outside of you, awards and recognition, financial success and material possessions. But everything good is inside, and true happiness can be found only within oneself. Stop seeking others' approval in an attempt to feel worthy. Take time to rediscover who you were before you allowed yourself to be pressured by society to turn into someone you are not just to please the world. The truth is that you are good enough. You always were. So for everyone's sake, please yourself.