The thing people don’t realize about me is that I take losses as well as criticism harder than most. Growing up autistic, I find myself frequently burnt out as well as being tired a lot more than I should. My mind also goes blank for days, even months, before it finally resets.

         Growing up, I never really embraced myself. I always wanted to be normal, always wanted to be someone I’m not. I was envious of that kid in my class, that girl who seemingly had everything. Maybe she envied me too. I didn’t know, nor did I care as nobody told me anything about it.

        I also found myself at crossroads a lot, figuring out what I really wanted as well as what I really needed to do. See, there is a big disconnect between my brain and reality. What I want is often different than what I need, as well as what is being expected of me. I only compete with myself, not others. I also go a hundred miles an hour every time I work. That being said, it is a weird thing as I often feel pressured by society to compete with others even though it is not my intention to do so, never will be.

        It took me years to figure out this and I am still trying to figure something out, I don’t have to compare myself with other people. I find it especially challenging because I am an ultra-competitive person, treating everything like war. My over seriousness has bought major problems to me as I have a hard time resting as well as relaxing. I am also experiencing a brain fog as my brain has, somehow, stopped operating, or at least is operating at a slower pace than before.

        One of the reasons why I love living in Toronto is because, unlike cities I have lived in before, Toronto is not a city that forces people to blend in. Toronto is a city, while intense, can also be chill. I can rest if I want you, I can talk to friends when I want to. Toronto is also as multicultural as it gets. You have one group of people doing one thing, while the other group doing something completely different.

        Having lived in the city as well as being away, one thing I have learned is that no matter how long I am away for, as soon as I am back, I know what is going on. It is weird to explain but it’s like I have never left. I left before the pandemic, came back after the pandemic was over. You would think I missed everything but not really, I didn’t miss much. The corners were still familiar, people are new, but I managed to connect with old friends. Lots of what was around is still around, just a few restaurants popping in and out, no major differences.

         While it is to easy assume life is great for me based on how chill I am nowadays, it is simply not the case. I experience my fair share of challenges, as well as ups and downs. I try my best to mitigate these challenges by looking at my past, being appreciative of what I have and taking self-accountability. I was never a victim, and never will be one. A lot of my problems come from me and me only.

        I will finish this story with a sentence, which is that Toronto is a city that encourages differences, quirkiness and uniqueness. As a result, I love it and I am slowly but surely finding my way, even if that means working extra hard to secure the goal I set out to achieve. I won't be perfect every day but learning to find a balance, my life will improve.