Elizabeth Bezant

Gardez vos lecteurs à lire - Les secrets pour réussir à suivre le rythme

Writing in first person is difficult when one wishes to limit the number of times one write, "I (verb)". Consider: 'My step was quicker than normal but when I had reached the platform the train had just pulled away.' Or 'My steps were quicker than normal but when reaching the platform the train had just pulled away.' The reader will assume that it is you, "I" is not needed. Now you could start the next sentence using a passive verb, "Looking at my watch the next train wasn't due for ten minutes."A man in a cheap suit halfway down the platform kept eying me repeatedly making me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps my haste to catch that last train had caused my wig to shift. I used my compact to check my appearance.Could you give this story a quicker pace? Perhaps. "My steps were quick. The platform was just ahead. My train roared as it left the station." There are many ways to phrase your thoughts.With first person the reader assumes you are doing the action, the thinking, the speaking unless you specify otherwise.For a good introduction to first person, read Dashiell Hammett, an writer of detective fiction. He will also give you a good lesson in pacing.

Hi William,

That was really helpful. Thank you for your input, appreciate it :-)

You used 'I' nineteen times in three short paragraphs, that is far too many. Take a look at your syntax, most of the order is subject (I) verb. Your first sentence sets the tone for your story. Second, you need that primary idea for your story and carry it through to the end. Your title Job Interview informs us about an event to come. If you want to build the pace and add a little suspense then focus on the train, your mode of transportation. Kill the second paragraph, it adds nothing to your story and kill the reference to Spotify, no one cares if you listen to it or not.So, the interview is important because....and the train is important because....and your mind is a bit unsettled because.... Answer these three questions and you have the basis for a good short story.

Hi William, thanks for the feedback. This writing was more about practicing pace and seeing how I can fit that into 200 words. So storyline wasn't something I was focusing on here. 

However, I do like your points in your last paragraph so if I did decide to work on the story it's definitely something to consider.

Also question - if you are writing in first person how do you avoid "I" what would be a good alternative?

Hi Cindy,Thank you for sharing your writing - even if it is just a rough draft :-)You’ve done a great job at building the pace, especially through your use of short sentences and punctuation. One thing you might want to consider, though, is shortening the section you use them in. Had your story been around 200 words, rather than 300, the impact of your writing would have been stronger.   If you choose to rework your story, try slowing the pace of one or two of the paragraphs and see how it changes the impact and urgency.Thanks again for sharing.

Thank you so much, Elizabeth for reading my work. I didn't think you would lol. I managed to re-write the short story and it is now 199 words, hopefully more effective than last time.

LOL! Always nice when I pleasantly surprise somebody, Cindy. Thank you.

I literally wrote this in 5 mins, read it over a few times but very rough draft.

I missed the train. Just my luck. I specifically timed 1 hour 30 minutes to get to the interview and it looks like I’m going to be late. Just great, fucking great. I drag my feet to the platform as clearly there isn’t a reason for me to rush. I put my headphones in and start listening to my R&amp;B playlist on Spotify. I imagine finally leaving the dreaded workplace I go to every day, no more micromanaging or microaggressions.
5 minutes to go until the train arrives. I notice a guy in his suit looking over at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, there is definitely something on my face! I grab my mirror to make sure that my makeup hasn’t smudged or my wig hasn’t shifted, thankfully all is okay. I look back and I see him quickly turn his head. I obviously caught him staring and he thought he was being sly. I hate it when people do that.
Finally, I see the train approaching in the distance, I’m so eager to get on. I really need this job. I need to get away from where I work. I need to get to this job interview.

Job Interview

Entreprise

Work With Us

Enseignez avec nous

Boutique

Mobile