Understanding why you’re NOT assertive!

1. Introduction: Hi, my name is Nick. I'm a registered psychologist and psychology supervisor. This course is designed to help you improve your assertiveness skills so you can take things to the next level. The strategies that I'll share with you should not only give you a better understanding of how assertiveness works, but also tools that you can apply to your day-to-day life. Now keep in mind that the information provided is general and for educational purposes only even though I am a registered psych, this advice is not designed to replace any medical or psychological treatment. Now let's get into the course and make you a priority. 2. What is assertiveness?: So what is the sodium minus? I'll give you some small examples. For example, you can hear other people and disagree with them respectfully. You can ask for what you need in a clean manner. You can share your views and ideas with confidence. You can share how you feel in an authentic way. You can say no. Without feeling guilty, you can value everyone's perspective. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Now in an ideal world, it would be great if everyone would do this, but it's not always the case. So when people are not assertive, they can suffer from a loss of confidence and self-esteem, which is more likely to make them less assertive in the future. It is therefore important to break the cycle and be more assertive whilst at the same time respecting the views and opinions of other people. We all have the right to express ourselves values and opinions. If you feel like you're not able to do that, in many ways, you're either consciously expressing yourself, you're being suppressed by your environment, which in turn can have long-term negative consequences. Some glad that we're looking at addressing this, we can try and give you the skills and strategies to really develop a better understanding of what assertiveness is, what your potential triggers are. And then taking it to the next level in terms of implementing what you've learned and applying these skills and strategies to make you feel more confident and more assertive, hopefully in all situations. 3. Why we lack assertiveness: So why is it so hard to be assertive? This is something I get asked a lot. And you'd be surprised with the answer. We know from psychology that a big part of why we find it so hard to assert ourselves is actually fear. We sometimes fewer avoid conflict or tension. Other times it's our disease to please. It's also important to identify these cases or at least have some form of awareness because treating anything without a background is a lot like feeling a leaking bucket with water? Yes, you can fill the bucket up with water, but the problem is still unresolved. It's leaking. Now if you can identify the issues or causes aka find leak, then you can work on first plugging the hole and then feeling the bucket up with water, which is a much better solution. A lot of people focus on the symptoms only, aka the water or the lack of water in the bucket. Then overlook the cause of the symptoms, aka fill the kinda bucket. This is why it's important to really use this as a building block when it comes to becoming more assertive. You have to understand not just the symptoms, but the causational factors. In the next part, we're really going to look at things in more detail to help you become more aware. Because if you can identify the problem, then you can start working on the problem. 4. Not wanting to offend or have dramas: One major reason for fear of being assertive is not wanting to offend or have drama. Most people who avoid painful or awkward situations as a self-defense mechanism, we may not want to offend a friend, family member, partner, or coworker, but not fulfilling their requests. So then we agree to their requests to keep the peace. By trading our comfort for not disappointing someone, we then lose our own level of satisfaction, which over time can turn into resentment or even despair. That's a very, very bad situation to be in because it starts to change your level of satisfaction in life. Sometimes people become quite depressed, they become quite angry, quite reactive, and it's because they're unable or don't have the ability to assert themselves and deal with that situation. And then in there, so it festers over time and becomes quite problematic long-term. 5. Fear of tension or conflict: Another factor is fear of tension or conflict. It's also important to consider humans are creatures of habit who like a familiar routine. It can be confronting to accept, there will be tension to deal with or consequences be that short-term or long-term. So we give into our need for immediate gratification by agreeing to the request in order to gratify our need for social comfort, aka no tension or no change in that relationship, dynamic. In some cases, tension may be unavoidable, but you should also need to consider it as a normal part of social interaction despite its unpleasantness. Being able to manage that social discomfort will give you more control. By this, I mean, it will allow you to consider what you want to do versus what you're just agreeing to do because of their request. 6. Self-doubt or insecurity: Self-doubt or insecurity. This is another reason for a lack of assertiveness. We fear being or getting it wrong when it comes to making a decision, it's sometimes easier to go along with what the other person is suggesting or demanding. Because if something goes wrong than we can in our own minds, blame them. The issue with this mentality is that we focus on self-preservation and avoid dealing with learning how to cope with the stresses of everyday life by taking more often than not a passive position when you should be leading the decisions that relate to you. It is also important to note that the more you avoid something, the scarier it becomes, It's very, very hard to build your skill level through avoidance. And this is why it's imperative to try and take control even one little step at a time. I also want to end by mentioning being assertive is not the same thing as being selfish because often people get them confused. It is also not the same as being combative or regressive. Being able to stand up for yourself in a respectful and professional manner is really what we're aiming for versus becoming more aggressive. We don't want to be more aggressive. I think when it comes to dealing with things that create a bit of discomfort or scare us. I think the mentality is little step forward is better than a little step back. And I think the more you do something, the more you become capable of doing it. It's kinda like driving or in the beginning, you might spend a lot of time and energy driving and you might be worrying about it. But then the more you do it, the more skilled you become an eventually that becomes automatic. And I think we've certainly learned behaviors because a lot of people say it's not part of my personality, but you can develop these skills, automate them within yourself. And it takes about three weeks to start developing the neurological pathways in the brain. Now that doesn't mean in three weeks everything is resolved, but it means you start to change those neurological pathways in the brain. Avoidance often will destroy some of those neurological pathways in the brain because they're not being used. Where repetition, especially when you're working towards something that scares you in the beginning eventually leads to a much better outcome. Because then you order made your conference and you automate the way you deal with things in those particular scenarios. 7. Past experiences and trauma: Past experiences and trauma. Now, our upbringing and palate past experiences will have a significant impact on who we are and how we see the world. This in turn shapes the way we cope with and process what life's ends our way. If we are taught from a young age that you should put the needs of others first. Or being polite is more important than doing or saying what needs to be done. You might automatically react by being overly agreeable. Instead of understanding that assertiveness is a skill that can actually be learned and being assertive is not a bad thing. Now sometimes if we look back on our life, we review our lack of assertiveness, we may form a false belief that we're just not an assertive person. This belief sometimes extends to people thinking that genetically they are just not born being assertive. The reality is some people may be innately more assertive than others. But at the end of the day, even the least assertive person can be trained to develop the skill. It's important to understand that change is always possible. It's important not to have this fixated mentality that you are, who you are and you're unable to change. And this kind of core personality is just there from the start to the end. The way I usually describe it to people is think of this as your core personality and think of this as areas of improvement. And a lot of the times people just see this as who they are. Well, this is why I am. If you don't like it too bad, get out of here if you don't like it, but It's only when you go wait a minute, this is who you are. This is all the things that are either influencing new positively or negatively that we started to realize. Well wait, I can actually see myself as this core person and develop these positive skills and strategies that I can use. And I can also kick things like anxiety traits or more specific anxiety behaviors that are affecting us when we start to see them as two separate things and not necessarily well, this is just who I am or I've been like this my whole life. 8. Stuck in a routine: It's stuck in a routine. There are situations where we may develop a social mask or people develop a perception of who they think we are. If people see you as someone who is likely to be agreeable or go with the flow, then it can feel hard to change or break the social mold. The fear is, if we were to suddenly become more assertive, you'd be seen as out of character. Or people may misinterpret that as being hostile or angry. We might feel having to decide when to be assertive or not to be assertive or even fear if we are even capable of controlling our assertiveness before all becomes aggression. We might even be scared that all of our resentments might actually come out as aggression, then we feel like I'm not going to push the envelope. I'm just going to kind of be on standby or I'm going to kind of minimize myself or suppress myself because I'm worried that if I try to do something different, I may not be able to control myself once I get to that point, it's almost like a flood gate for some people. So it's important to be aware of that because working on change and working on, for example, in this case, assertiveness won't necessarily be this situation where you're releasing the Phoenix. It might feel that way, but it's all about upskilling and doing what you can to gain more and more control over your life. And Internet should also help you increase your satisfaction. 9. Assertive for others, but not for me: Assertive for others, but not for me. An interesting thing to note is sometimes we can exhibit assertiveness when defending or standing up for someone. And this can even come naturally. But yet when it comes to our own individual needs, we fail to respond in the same way. If you are someone who is willing to stand up for others and not yourself, it may be time to invest in yourself and develop these necessary skills, for example, in assertiveness. So this doesn't occur. It's also important to realize that when you learn to become more assertive, it can have a positive effect, not just new, but also a flow on effect where others may become inspired to create positive change as well within themselves. Sometimes in psychology we call these vicarious learning, where learning can occur through observing the behavior of others than kids do it as well. Empowering yourself has the ability also to empower those in your environment and circle. So it's pretty cool to not just focus on helping others, but realizing sometimes helping yourself. We will also help all those around you. An example I sometimes use in therapy is it's like when you're in a plane, let's say you're a mother and you're there with your children, and the cabin pressure drops and all the gas masks come down because there's not enough oxygen. Now some people might say, hey, I'm gonna try and put my masks on. My kids are other people and save them first because I'm selfless. But by doing that, while you're feeling to put the mask on them, what happens is you run out of oxygen and pass out and so do they as well. Where if you change your perspective to things and look at the problem a little bit differently and you go, Well, hey, if I put this oxygen mask on me, now I've got enough oxygen to stay alive or stay conscious and I can put the masks on my kids and everyone else around me. Sometimes putting yourself first, we'll have more of a positive effect, not just on you, but everyone else and not actually be selfish at all. But anyway, that's just a side note. 10. Conclusion: To conclude, now that you have some understanding of the reasons you may be lacking assertiveness. It's time to ask yourself, are you happy where things are at? Despite assertiveness having some genetic component, It's very much a skill that can be learned and then implemented in your life. A lot of the time people suffer in silence, hoping that one day things will get better without any action. But this is sadly rarely the case. Although it can sometimes feel overwhelming to consider creating real change. If you do it step-by-step and at a pace that you're comfortable with, then there is progress to be made. Now you've completed the first step of identifying what assertiveness is and possible barriers that may affect you. The next step is looking at strategies for becoming more assertive, which I will be exploring next time. Until then, I'm Nick the psych, Take care.