1995
7th grade
Don't go chasing Waterfalls by TLC.

I was in Jenny Gore's bedroom, watching her as she demonstrated her makeup application. Powder from her compact on her face, then her mauve lipstick and lip liner, and then a separate compact to powder her lips.  That compact was only for lips after lipstick because it was rosy mud stained from lipstick on the puff, to matify the lips.  The other compact, designated for typical face use, was then carried in her back pocket of her jean shorts.  The obvious and cool move in Jr. High for girls.  It didn't seem like a coincidence that it mimicked chewing tobacco that cowboys carried in their back pocket.  Did Jenny tell me that chew comparison part too?  Jenny knew all the words to Left Eye's part of Waterfalls.  She has the most crooked twisted teeth I'd ever seen.  Jenny had a boyfriend named John who looked like he could have a spread in Tiger Beat.  Thick, center part dark hair.  The beautiful face of a pop start boy.  She was having sex with him.  She told me years later that her dad, a friendly member of my family's church and friendly with my dad, would "beat the shit out of her and her brother."  That one time he slammed her face into the steering wheel of the red Toyota truck she drove, leaving her with a black eye. Years later she also told me she would get drunk at parties with her boyfriend, her best friend Christina, and Christina's boyfriend.  She and Chistina's boyfriend would sneak off and make out in closets, eventually having sex too.  The last time I saw her was soon after we graduated high school.  She was pregnant with Christina's now ex boyfriend.  John was long gone.  Christina was somehow still in the picture.  She said it was meant to be, she had so many years of unprotected sex with John, but with this guy- maybe Chris?  So quickly she got pregnant.  I thought Chris was unbelievably ugly.  

I was in Greenfield Jr High in GIlbert, AZ.
I was very active in my church.
I went to school with only Mari, that I can remember, from church
was the Iran war happening?
I was at the house I grew up in.
I was starting to realize my body was ugly.
My legs especially.  Too pale.  To big.
I wasn't pretty and I was sure no one would ever think I was- and nothing could be worse.
I was always thinking about boys.  
I was comparing value to other girls more than ever.