Ruth Clowes

Grundlagen des digitalen Copywriting: Praktische Taktiken für kristallklare Web-Texte

This is great Jimmy - you new bio is much punchier and quicker to read. I'm impressed that you've managed to shorten it so dramatically and still kept all the essential information. Also, most importantly, the new version really gets across the passion you have for diving.  There are just a couple of places where you've split a long, complex sentence in two and, although it now reads quicker, the link between the two ideas is less clear. I'll try to explain using an example. This was your original sentence (which you've rightly identified as too complex): "Due to my unyielding passion for scuba diving and the aquatic environment, I now hold fourteen PADI Speciality Instructor certifications as well." And this is how it looks after you split it: "Due to my unyielding passion for scuba diving and the aquatic environment. I now hold fourteen PADI Speciality Instructor certifications as well." The reader expects the "Due to..." to lead to the next phrase, so it's jarring when we're faced with a full stop. It breaks the flow. There are a few ways you could address this. One is by keeping it as a single sentence but simplifying it. Maybe like this: "My passion for diving also helped me achieve fourteen PADI Speciality Instructor certifications." Alternatively, you could split it into two sentences but rephrase it slightly so it flows better. something like this: "I have an unyielding passion for scuba diving and the aquatic environment. That's why I now also hold fourteen PADI Speciality Instructor certifications." Either option works well. You just need to judge whether it's worth losing the extra info for the sake of brevity. I hope that makes sense. It's certainly not a big deal and probably takes longer to explain than fix! Do keep in touch and let me know how you get on. Ruth x

This reads better. Yes?<img srcset="https://static.skillshare.com/uploads/project/9f4e3d36c0978206d208a9fbebef6920/14a2c284 600w, https://static.skillshare.com/uploads/project/9f4e3d36c0978206d208a9fbebef6920/14a2c284 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 600px) 600px, 100vw" src="https://static.skillshare.com/uploads/project/9f4e3d36c0978206d208a9fbebef6920/14a2c284" loading="lazy" alt="Bio Edit 1.0 - image 1 - student project">

Bio Edit 1.0

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