I am a professional surrenderer (if that is even a word).

Jobs, potential dates, new hobbies, gym routines, you name it, I give up.

My dreams are big, maybe even too big for my universe (see, how I abandon my dreams even before describing them), thanks to my wild imagination and my grandma who always believed that I was the best in every possible way. Quoting from her, I was the most beautiful girl in the class, I was the best in math, I was the greatest piano player at my age…

 

My expectations were always high until at some point, I realized that I was not the only one who wanted that gold medal, who signed up for the ballet course, who joined the debate club. Everybody wanted to be the best, obviously. I realized this at a very young age but I immediately abandoned the idea and pretended that I didn’t want to have the gold medal, I didn’t want to debate with others, I was fine here, just by myself. Oh boy, that was a HUGE lie. I was hiding behind “modesty” but in fact, I was dying to be the first, the best, the golden girl with the red ribbon.

 

“A quiet girl” was the first thing everybody would say about me - I avoided fighting with my boyfriend or arguing with my parents, always the middleman who went with the flow. This leaded every one else in my life to have decisions on behalf of me and that was fine by me then because if anything goes wrong, I could always blame them for it.

 

I studied maths & science instead of literature in high school because my father said so (and I did not object), I started working at my current job because one of my professors at the university suggested me the position (6 years and counting), I am still using the shampoo that my friend suggested me 3 years ago, I go to the same hairdresser as my mother since I was a kid. And I complain. I complain a lot, with the stress of the job, with my hideous haircut, as if there was an invisible forcing me and I had no other option.

 

My dear friends suggested me that I look for another job. And guess what I have done? Or haven’t? I came up with these silly excuses which might be (or might not be) true but I cannot know for sure BEFORE trying it. I was so afraid of getting rejected, I decided it’s better for me that I never tried at all, so that nobody can hurt (reject) me. The sad part is that, I was the one hurting myself by not trying, chasing, and not even dreaming it.

 

Convinced that I am happy in my safe bubble, I could manage to spend a few more years like this. But not my whole life, no, that would be too scary and sad. Spending my whole life here, in this Truman Show… Somebody has to do something to change it (not me). A prince with a shiny armor can come and save me (marrying a rich person), I can win the lottery (being lucky and unemployed), my mom can tell me that I am the heiress of a country that I never heard of (too late for that, I’m already 28)….

 

I am the only child, even the only granddaughter so that my family would do anything for me but they never noticed that they were actually harming me by not preparing me for the real life. I never had to struggle or work for anything to earn them. There is a common word for that now, I was a spoiled brat.

 

When the reality strike me, I was still too afraid to work things out by my own. Still, I didn’t apply for any jobs, master programs, even the idea of a competition would make me shake from fear. Sharing my opinions online, with perhaps not millions but many people, is a great start for me take action and not to be afraid of my own decisions and thoughts. This is essentially what this course has gifted me. A small step for humanity, but a huge step for the hesitant and shy girl inside of me.