Having met you decades ago I never imagined we would still be bonded in relationship. You were subtle yet assertive in your pursuit of me. You studied me for a long while before your first approach. I was so young and naïve thinking that our budding friendship was genuine and safe. You weren’t pushy at all, and I came to appreciate you for rescuing me when I was uncertain about other relationships with friends or suitors as they proved to be disappointing. You even intervened when I felt challenged by authority figures, family and new chapters in school, career, and adventure opportunities. Your consistency in my life earned my trust and created space in my heart for you. I truly believed you cared about me and wanted to protect me from all harm.

     I began to love and depend on you, at times obsessively so. Even though you were a foreigner and spoke an entirely different language you knew me, and I longed to learn to speak your native tongue in order to bring us closer. I became fluent in your language and yes, we moved to levels of intimacy that caused me to defend you to every relationship outside of ours. Family, friends, employers, and instructors alike saw the changes in me and how differently I spoke and acted. They tried to lovingly warn me that the relationship with you was wreaking havoc in every area of my life, but I failed to see or comprehend it. I knew I was changing and sometimes I saw glimpses of what I really wanted out of life and who I wanted to authentically be but my love for you convinced me that I couldn’t live without you.

     Until…one day I heard a voice say to me, “You can’t, you won’t, you’re afraid to let go, to proceed, to see it through.” Later the voice was my own that that repeated those words but this time it wasn’t You can’t, and you won’t etc. instead it was I can’t, I won’t and added, “I’m not enough because I’m not a good finisher” followed by, “They will laugh at me because I’m not that good.”   I began to tremble, my heart pounded loud in my ears. I reached out to you my protector but only silence followed by more of my own voice speaking in my thoughts. You wouldn’t answer me! I couldn’t sleep or eat and all the thoughts that plagued me for such a long time that I thought were protecting me accosted my senses. Where are you! I wondered. I thought you loved me! You are my protector! I trusted you! Are you betraying me?!

     One day as I was spending time with and old friend your name came up. She said she had been in a relationship that she now knew needed to end. I was very quiet because I was feeling the exact same way. She asked if I would share what’s wrong and I did. We suddenly realized our relationships were one and the same. Same in the foreigner with the foreign language, attentiveness, veiled protector, not pushy rather subtle etc. We began to finish one another’s sentences realizing the words and sentiments came from the same place. YOU! Right then and there I knew I had to break free. If I was going to live my life to its fullest, I had to make a clean break with you. So, FEAR, I no longer choose to be in relationship with you! I am dumping you and choosing the assurance of living life without you in this unhealthy way. Should you show up again you will be met with boldness, confidence, and fortitude to see me through!

For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

THE END