Entry #1 - The Balcony (Sight)

I’m sitting in the dining room and looking out the window; through the translucent curtains and the black gated metal bars, there’s my balcony with an old table with four chairs pushed into it. It’s currently below 50 degrees outside and windy, so it’s freezing. 

With all this in mind, the feeling I get is uncomfortable, sadness and a sense of injustice.

I imagine myself being out there and trying to enjoy a meal with the clothes I have on now. 

This leads my mind to trail off into wondering about the people who are less fortunate than I am. Those who don’t have homes to keep themselves warm or even hot food to enjoy. The homeless and the poor are so common where I live. 

The question arises as to why does this occur? Who is to blame?

So many answers rush to my mind like a flood and trying to sort this all out is overwhelming me and even giving me a minor headache. However, regardless of what I’m feeling and the pain I’m experiencing, I want to keep going over the answers in the hope that maybe I may be able to find a solution buried somewhere.

Why am I keeping this up and for what purpose? Especially knowing that reality has already given me an answer; which is all based on my circumstances. The answer I get leaves me feeling hopeless.

The answer; I can’t solve the world’s problems. In my efforts, I can only do what I can, In the hopes that someone’s life is just a little bit better because of me. 

Entry #2 - Happiness & Monotony (Sound)

Car horns, Airplane jet engines and people chatting outside…

These sounds are very common here. The more I focus on these sounds, the emotion I feel currently is anxiety, suffocation and even fear. 

I live in a city where we “live to work”. We live from paycheck to paycheck because of the economy and an opportunity to get more money, we pursue it; whether overtime or working 2 jobs. Keeping yourself afloat can be difficult here, especially if you don't make the right choices.

The daily routine of waking up, preparing for work, going back home and doing this all over again. The cycle keeps going, like a non-stop assembly line. The more the years go by; the freedom of choice feels like an illusion because the outcome is always the same. Sometimes I fear that I’d waste my life doing this and how it’ll pass me by and I won't accomplish what I want for my life or even accomplish anything worth living for.

Responsibility is the shackle that binds me to this monotony. The bills we pay, the groceries we need, the laundry that must be done; there is a cost for everything, especially if you’re living a luxurious life and to maintain it requires sacrifice. Like the famous Tyler Duren said in Fight Club. “The things you own, will end up owning you”. 

Perhaps what I’m looking for is Happiness. Seeing everything I have accomplished, the things I’ve owned and the relationships I nurtured, how do I define happiness? Looking back and realizing how far I’ve come in my life, I feel proud and it’s this feeling that gives me peace.

Perhaps this is what Happiness feels like…

Entry #3 - Fur (Touch)

I grew up with cats all my life. My family and I share the same sentiments that cats are a part of the family. In fact, I currently have two!

They have their own attitudes and personality that vary between each other. They can be mean or they can be nice. They know how to plot their way into getting what they want and we give it to them anyway! They make for great roommates because during the day they spend most of the time sleeping so we’re able to accomplish our daily duties (Although they are nighttime terrors).

The most significant part they play in my life is simply their show of affection. Whether it’s laying on their backs to invite you to rub their bellies or even moving in close to you to find warmth, they will allow you to touch them. Even when I was young, I understood the blissful sensation of combing through their fur and the benefits it provided to the mind. 

As if my hands were gliding through the clouds and the subtle vibrations of their purring, the tranquility it creates is hypnotic. No matter what I’m going through in my life, it seemingly becomes bearable when I have my furry companion by my side. 

It’s fascinating how much a small creature can bring to our lives.

Entry #4 - The Menace (Taste)

I know it’s a favorite of many adults to have a satisfying brewed coffee in the morning. The enticing aroma that spreads throughout the house and lingers even after the cups are emptied, there’s simply nothing else like it. 

My first connection to coffee was with my father. I was probably around seven or eight and noticed him drinking something that looked like Nestle’s chocolate milk. Immediately this gave me an expectation of what coffee should taste like. 

He offered me a warm cup and oddly the experience exceeded my expectations! I was hooked! Though coffee was known to be bitter, my father preferred it sweet. As a child addicted to sugar, this was bliss! 

(Insert epic music)

This legal drug, known as caffeine, flowed through my bloodstream. Everything slowed down around me, as if time stopped. A sudden rush of adrenaline granted me the ability to perform feats with sheer volition and a (very) numb moral compass. Once my transformation was complete, my ability to reason became obsolete. Instinct was the name of the game!

My exploits were infamous to my family. My siblings would sing great woes to my parents. My parents would form alliances with my siblings in preparation to subdue the roaming terror. The battles were great, but in the end came the inevitable crash! My flame was doused and I fell face first into a pillow. 

From that day forward; I was given the name “Dennis”, after ‘the menace’ himself. For though my crimes were great, the smiles never left their faces (except my siblings). Forbidden to ever drink from the cup of crystalline power!

At least until I was fourteen…

(End epic music from the Norse Gods)

Needless to say, a cup of coffee does help in bringing a good start to a day. Though I wouldn’t advise having a cup everyday, it’s okay to treat yourself from time to time to relive your epic moments from your past.

Entry #5 - Apples & Kiwis (Smell)

There was a particular perfume I came across one day that brought me back 5 years ago to a young woman I used to date. It brings back feelings of joy, sorrow and hope.

She had beautiful dark skin, slim figure, curly hair and a white smile. She had a great personality and loved to laugh. An all around happy individual who I enjoyed being around with. 

Yet the most fascinating part about her that solidified her place in my memory forever was her scent. It’s hard to describe, but the closest thing I can compare it to was apple and kiwis. It introduces an apple scent that after a short while shifts into a kiwi scent. It was bewildering yet intoxicating. I couldn’t even tell if it was a perfume or the shampoo in her hair, maybe both?

The complexity of this unique scent made me all the more attractive to her. Never again would I ever smell anything like it! Even so, the happy memory this brings me, it also reminds me of the tragedy of our relationship. 

She was going through a lot of mental turmoil, none of which was her fault. She did her best in trying to control her emotions, but there were times when it would get the best of her. Her family supported her as did I to the best of our ability. 

In the end, when everything was considered; I realized that me being in her life made things difficult for her. It added stress and anxiety that she didn’t need. What she needed was just a friend to be there with her.

She ended our relationship to be with someone who can give her what she wanted. I held no ill-will and I don’t think badly of her. I always wish her the best in what she does and I believe that she overcame her struggles. In fact, if it wasn’t for her she wouldn’t have brought me to travel across the world, to meet my wife.

For anyone who’s going through a tough breakup with someone, just know that there’s hope for love and happiness. However, before you start your search for someone, begin with self-discovery. Better to know your destination instead of hopelessly drifting in a sea of emotions.

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Analysis

As I sit here, writing in the moment, I noticed a few things about myself that I want to point out in this entry.

1. 1. I write as if someone will read this. Now, obviously this is a class project so of course someone will read this. However, if I wanted to do this for myself then I have to remember that maybe some of these entries will only be read by me. This way it motivates me to write more creatively to capture the reader's attention. Remove this purpose and my reason for writing falls apart. 
   2. Trying to stay on topic is incredibly challenging! I can not tell you how many times I wanted to go into a tangent about what I was thinking and feeling. Nothing is wrong with this, in fact I understand that this provides more content and you can write whatever you want. HOWEVER, whenever I wrote in the past I felt like I was drifting in a sea of emotions that I eventually lost direction and found myself into a completely different topic altogether, not remembering what the initial purpose was. If someone else was reading this they wouldn’t be able to follow what I was writing. (This could highlight how unstable a person I can be I guess.)
   3. I prefer writing on the computer. The ease of access and allowing me to edit does help me to come up with better and more creative lines that enrich the content. Plus I can write faster than I would on paper. 20 words per minute baby!
   4. Music helps a lot, but can be a problem. Not sure if anyone does this, but I’ll share what happened with me while writing this entry. Once I started writing my feelings I would find music to enhance the feeling. It helps me to mold sentences better and find words that paint the pictures I want the reader to see…but only if I can find said track on Youtube. Sometimes I would spend minutes looking up songs before I find the 1-hour extended version.

When I took this class it was with the intention of finding a new hobby that’s stress relieving and fun. Now I feel like I’m going down a rabbit hole; which is not a negative connotation in the slightest. It reveals to me the vast scope of what journaling offers and how much we can draw from the hauntingly deep well that is the human mind.

Writing is an art and as an artist myself I want to put out the best piece I can. With that said, I’m a critical artist and the challenge I face now is that when it comes to journaling, there's no reason to be so critical. 

So far, I’m enjoying myself and having a blast!

P.S. The image in the beginning of the entry I put together in photoshop. I didn't actually illustrate it. I like to show pictures when I write.

Conclusion - Final Words

I've completed my Memoir Journal and I got to say its been quite a challenge.

I've come realize that this kind of journal writing drastically helps you put abstract emotions into sentences that can be understood more clearly. In fact, I think this is essential in a journey of self-discovery for those who have a difficult time expressing themselves with spoken word.

For me personally, I treat it like a map and compass. Whenever I make a big decision in my life I'll be sure to write down my thoughts and feelings down on paper to see if this is the path I want to take. I would ask the question, what kind of person will I be after I make this decision? Then from that day forward I'll write entries of my progress. 

I want to thank Ms. Lana Blakely for this amazing class. She gave me a new perspective on memoir journal writing and in turn unveiled its limitless potential.