Ghosting is OK Sometimes
Last week a bunch of readers emailed me the Ghosting story from the NYXs. It was prompted by the rumor that after years together, Charlize Theron dumped Sean Penn mercilessly by not responding to his calls or texts.
Ghosting: Ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out.
According to a couple of surveys, anywhere from 11-24% of people have ghosted someone before. When the Victims speak, their stories are horrific. One woman was dating a man for eight months when he was a no show for a wedding and never contacted her again. Another woman was ghosted by a guy who has since moved into her building and still ghosts her in the hallway. A guy who had a date to cook with someone he was dating was ghosted when the other guy popped home for a nap and never called again.
Other examples are not so egregious. One guy routinely goes silent after a couple of dates with a woman if he’s not interested. Another woman ghosted a guy before a first date after a google search revealed his political beliefs.
The article suggests that social media explains this new phenomenon:
The rise of apps like Tinder and Grindr, and the impression they give that there is always someone else — literally — around the corner, is certainly empowering to ghosts.
Anna Sale, 34, the host and managing editor of the WNYC podcast “Death, Sex & Money,” believes that social media enables the avoidance of difficult conversations. “As people have gotten less and less comfortable talking face to face about hard things, it’s become easier to move on, let time pass and forget to tell the person you’re breaking up with them,” she said.
I don’t think that explains it. I’ve ghosted numerous times in my life and I’ve also been a “victim” of ghosting. In fact, ghosting is often the most appropriate course of action. Let me explain.
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The objection to ghosting is based on the assumption that the parties have an obligation to one another to discuss – preferably in person – the fact that they won’t be seeing one another again. But this general claim ignores the enormous spectrum of ghosting behaviors, as evidenced by the examples above.
There are often very good reasons for cutting off all contact with someone, even in a long relationship. Perhaps – ahem – Mr. Penn engaged in some inappropriate behavior that does not warrant a cordial discussion about closure.
Before commitment, the other person has no obligation to us other than general decency. Sometimes it’s easier to communicate “it’s not a match” with silence rather than an awkward or even protracted explanation. Often, that’s easier on the “dumpee” as well.
Dating is shopping. We don’t apologize to the salesperson when we decide not to buy the dress. Even when we place a hold on something, it’s clearly understood that the merchandise will be reserved for a short period of time and then go back into circulation.
That doesn’t mean we can buy an expensive dress, tuck in the tags and wear it, all the while intending to return it on Monday. That’s just shitty.
But we should remember that we’re not really entitled to a “breakup” when our relationship is casual or even nonexistent. Unless we’re deluding ourselves, zero contact or effort sends a very clear message. And that’s what we need in order to move forward.