Elizabeth Bezant

Secrets To Writing Believable Dialogue: so it actually sounds like people talking

Well done, William, this looks good on all levels (word count, plus realistic dialogue and anecdote). My only comment would be that it would have been good to get a little bit more of a hint of what Holly had done, but I suspect that wouldn’t be possible because your style of writing is to include plenty of description. Cutting down on your Telling might help with that, if that’s something you want to try. Other than that, there are just a few typos. As before, William, thanks for sharing your project and sticking to the guidelines. Hope you found the feedback helpful. Kind Regards Elizabeth

I have revised the story so that the body language is more active. Body language is not all that easy to make active as one would emotions. It is easy enough to say that the man's face turned red to show anger or embarrassment, but the more subtle signs are harder to put into action. Another two hundred words and we could get to "what Holly had done." We do know that when a woman plays a man for a fool that the man being played has hopes of a romantic relationship with that woman and the woman does not. Holly is trying to get Uncle John to take responsibility for her moral failure and Uncle John is putting that responsibility back on her shoulders by refusing to play the game. Does the reader really need to know more than that?

Hi William,
Thank you for the rewrite.  

I appreciate your outline of the story in your reply. You’ll be pleased to know that I gleaned everything you covered in your explanation from your story.

As to your question, of whether it’s necessary for the reader to know any more than you wrote, of course not, it’s entirely up to you how much the reader learns. However, to encourage a person to keep reading it’s important to leave intriguing questions hanging, things that make them so curious they are forced to keep reading to find the answers. This is an aspect you could strengthen in your anecdote. For example, maybe use a few words to imply what it was that Holly had actually done.  

Also, just for the record, ‘to play’ somebody isn’t always taken as being for romantic gain. Certainly it used to be primarily for that reason, but that’s definitely changed in most of the areas.

I hope this feedback helps.

&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&lsquo;You didn&rsquo;t, did you? Not really?&rsquo; I stood there for a moment watching this child of a woman, thinking, how many times have we gone over this. Holly averted her eyes from mine while shifting from one foot to the other. My exasperation with her was rising.
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&lsquo;Holly, when are you going to learn? You can&rsquo;t keep playing Jordan for a fool. He will find out!&rsquo; My words were slow and deliberate.
&nbsp;
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&lsquo;I&rsquo;m sorry, Uncle John. What should I do?&rsquo; her plaintiff voice was in play now. Holly started to twist her upper body back and forth, slowly, while her right hand clasped her left elbow. Her face held that quizzical&nbsp;look expecting an answer.
&nbsp;
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&lsquo;I don&rsquo;t know, it&rsquo;s your problem. Deal with it.&rsquo; My voice was firm as I tried to keep a harsh note out of it. From the look on her face I don&rsquo;t think I succeeded.

The Problem

Company

Community

Teaching

Mobile

English

English