Just several thoughts

Just several thoughts - student project

Hi Emerell! My name is Anastasia and I'm 25. Thank you for your class very much, I'll definetely follow your advice. I've been singing at the chorus for a long time and was very quiet, because there always was a fear in my head of being out of key. I was waiting for teachers to notice me and ask to sing louder, but it didn't happen. Like during 5 years! That was at high school.


Then my voice cracked, and I was silent for 2 or 3 years - singing was hurting my vocal chords. Only an year ot two ago I discovered my true, powerful  voice, when you feel like your whole body sings and vibrates. But that was only in some moments of "letting go" as you said :) Since that period I at least knew that I COULD do it, even not regularly.


Now these are the things that stop me sometimes from singing with my full potential: 

I'm still afraid of singing out of key (out of the tune? Sorry, I may confuse someting, I'm not English). It's easier so sing along with others, but I wanna be able to sing by my own now - and I've been longing for it since I was a child. I haven't gone to the musical school, so now sometimes I can't be sure if I sing correctly, especially new songs. I've been taking piano classes for 1 year, but it wasn't as thorough as I would want it. BUT! I've noticed that I can "catch" a feeling when you stay in the key, it's like flowing. And once I get into it - I can sing almost any song, and sing for hours. But few days without practice - and this feeling goes away. Maybe I should practice regularly)

It's more about that: I think that if you're naturally talented person,then you have to be able to sing in the key always, without prepairing. Like from the birth XD And really recently the thought that it is the conditional system indeed, and ancient people could sing as they please, helped me to overcome the fear if being "not correct". Also I've watched little kids mastering the singing skills - they were far from perfection in the beginning, so why couldn't I allow myself to make mistakes and train my ear slowly? I've understood that not having the perfect pitch doesn't mean that I'm not talented and shouldn't even try to learn and sing. It just means that I didn't spend enough time on it. And I decided that if my heart is so consistent about it, I should give it a try - if it's mine kind of activity, if it is my true way of expression, it will work out somehow. If I will see, that it doesn't go well - than it is not my essence. That was truly freeing. That thought helped me, I started to "let go" without constantly checking myself am I talented or not, can I have a permission to sing or not? :) And actually I  started to FEEL and hear those states of being in key. Hope someday this ability will shift into a constant mode :)


Also I'm afraid to sing at home. My father and little brother have very well trained ear, and they would told me every time I go out of key that I did so. I trusted them so I immediately would get upset and jump into self-doubt. Altough I've talked to them recetly and now I can hear by myself if I'm in key, I still have this fear of judging.

Alsooo I'm not sure if I have really beautiful voice. Sometimes l FEEL that I sing well. Sometimes i decide to make a voice record - and most of the time I don't like the result. I try to make a record (means to judge myself) - and I get extremely nervous XD So my voice doesn't sound well...

And - yes! I still have the problem with voice chords - I sing not "from the diaphragm", but "from the throat", so my chords hurt the day after singing. Also I'm sure it has smth to deal with psychosomatic.


Oh... You see, I have this whole package of possible problems, I sing and practice really rare because of all that. And also I have the insane desire to sing, express myself through it, it goes right from my soul and my heart. And SOMEHOW I know, I'm convinced subconciously that I HAVE the true ability to sing, exactly in the moments of singing I feel my true self and can feel the full life experience. And I know that I would sing even if no one listened to it :) But you want to KNOW with your mind that you really can do it and hear it from others...

Also I am ridiculously afraid (even though I am an adult!) of what my Mum would think, of her thinking that I am taking singing too seriously, because I've started to sing more often. I am afraid she would think that I've decided to make some sort of career out of it :))) I wouldn't mind actually! But I think it will stay as a hobby most likely :) It gives me real power and mood to do everything else. And... idk, maybe I should just talk to her. So I practice rarely including that fear and reason too)

My God. Reading this and realising, how complicated is it in my mind is really disappointing. But encouraging at the same time. All I want is just to grow, enjoy what I'm doing ang feel the energy that comes with singing. And if I will do it good - to share true happiness and mood with others, to share the remarkable experience of life. Hope someday it will happen.

Thank you so much again! I see now that it has something to deal with letting your inner self show up and express your true self, instead of some sort of "hard work" on singing. I will try to find some courses on music theory and playing piano to get more confident about melody and singing on key. I will feel more free now to practice - because those fears and my perfectionism are really in my head. My family is really supportive, and it's me who afraids of failure, any kind of judgement and wants to be good at everything that he's doing. And fears about Mum - you know, she was the one who said that I should allow myself to sing with mistakes, without doing records & thinking of others - and that then the true voice will come. But I am STILL afraid of her & others opinion! I want to have everything figured out immediately, to know, what I'm gonna do in my next with my life and afraid to simply follow my heart. So thank you SO MUCH. It is scary to spend your time on unknown, without knowing will you be as good as you want or not. BUT it is easier to do what you feel, when someone have told you that it is the right thing!

I thought it would be just several thoughts, but here is my whole story and all my fears & hopes... Thank you for reading this long letter! Lots of love, and GOOD LUCK