Discover the Leader in You: 3 Simple Steps to Success

1. Leader In You Introduction: Hi, I'm Stephanie Smith with Carpenter Smith Consulting, an executive and business coaching firm that has been helping leaders achieve their bottom line for over 20 years. Leadership today is a fast moving skill that requires you to quickly assess what's going on and make competent rational decisions that will move the business forward, easier said than done. We've created a process to teach executives and managers to develop the leader that is within them, and it's in YouTube. To get started, I'm going to take you through our quick start guide for how to step into your leadership. It's an overview of the three critical steps that you take to redevelop the leader in you. At Carpenter Smith Consulting, we define leadership as the willingness to influence your world and the willingness to be influenced by your world, regardless of your position or title. Now, as a leader, there will be many things coming at you, many things influencing you every minute, every hour, every day and there will be things you want to influence, individuals, teams, decisions, directions, etc. The key to success is learning how to influence others and understanding how you can be influenced by others so that what you deliver is successful. Here's a quick start image of the leader in you approach. Let's talk through it as a framework. We'll go through each of these in greater detail in the following videos. The first step to respond as an effective leader is pausing. You need to interrupt your typical reaction to what is coming at you to ensure that what you are about to do is in alignment with your goals. Now, a pause may sound like you are doing nothing, but it is a very active process inside you. To pause, you might take a sip of water, make a note, ask for a moment to return a call, but in that moment, you're asking yourself, is what I'm about to do or say in alignment with my goals? Now, don't let the word goals shake you into thinking it's going to be something big and grand. Your goals are how you want to show up in big ways and small ways, to achieve the outcomes that are important to you, whether those were at work or in your personal life. Once you have paused and assessed how you want to respond to things coming at you, then you will want to reflect and ask yourself, what am I afraid of in this situation? What do I typically do when I feel afraid? What would I do if I felt safe and competent? Then do that. Show up the way you would if you felt safe and confident. Most people fail to show up at their best as a leader because they are responding to an internal fear and sabotaging their own success. The final step is to act with power. We've identified the five most important questions to ask that will help you move forward on a goal and it's an acronym for power, P is for possibility, what's possible in this situation? Leaders understand that there is always possibility inherent, in obstacles, and challenges. Look at it from all sides to see what's possible. O is for ownership and transparency, in other words, why do I care? Sharing why you care, why this matters to you give others a sense of you as a person and helps build loyalty, and understanding. W is for we-focused goal setting. The question is, what is our shared vision and goal? You will always be more powerful if you work with people you are trying to influence in creating a shared idea of success. E is for enable action. The question is, what action will we take to move the process forward? Leadership is not leadership if it's not about action. You're leading somewhere. Now, that somewhere may be a decision to sit tight for a bit, but it is an active decision about an active process. Finally, R which is for review and refine. Asking yourself, what's working and what's not working? Don't leave this last step to chance. You want to be sure and review with your team the successes as well as the things that you'll need to fix to keep moving forward, both are equally important to keep your team engaged. Leadership is a skill and it will take practice, maybe eight times, maybe 30, but your life will be forever changed once you step into your leadership and your power. Check out the other videos that explain each of these concepts in much greater detail so that you can discover the leader in you. 2. Pause: Hi. Welcome back. Now that you've gotten an overview of how our leader in new framework works, let's dig into the first step, the pause. It's a really powerful yet simple step that can help you be a better leader, be a better team member or it can help improve your communication with your partner or family and it can even help you relate more effectively to your kids. You see if you're going to effectively influence others and if you are going to be influenced by others, especially during stressful times, you have to interrupt old patterns of reacting and that's what the pause is designed to do. What do we mean by reacting? We mean those times when something happens or someone says something and then you say or do something that only makes it worse, weather that's coming on too strong or saying nothing at all. Reactions take away your power and decrease your credibility. Reactive people rarely get the respect or the attention of people they want. A reaction is like a grenade. If you introduce it into the room, most people are going to scatter. In order to not react and instead to respond as a leader, you need to pause. When you work with the leader in your framework, this is the most important of the steps. If this is the only step you do, it will be a game changer. It can make a tremendous difference in your success at work and at home. How does this pause work? Well it sounds passive, it's really an active moment to help you regain control of your emotions and get you aligned with what you want to have happen. The pause itself maybe a breath scribbling of note on a piece of paper, grabbing a glass of water, taking a bathroom break, it's a moment between what's incoming that trigger that makes you see red and what you do next. In that moment you ask yourself, is what I am about to say or do an alignment with my goals? This pause is your opportunity to stop reacting and to start responding in ways that move you forward toward your goals. Let me give you an example. Let me tell you about Pauline. Pauline is a very good manager who cares a lot about her store. Recently she came to me with us because she wanted to decrease her stress and her life. When I asked her what her biggest stressor was, she said that she sometimes struggles with staff who can be less attentive than she would like. I asked her to describe to me a typical interaction. She said that she be out on the floor of the store and the staff will be chatting and not paying close attention to what's going on. She'll see a customer and notices that no one has made a move to help them. She steps in. Unfortunately, Pauline is getting the reputation of being difficult to work for because she often yells at staff. We decided that this was a good opportunity to work with the pause. Because while Pauline concerns were valid, it sounds like her approach wasn't working for her or for her team. We started by describing her goal. What did she want to have happen in her store? She said she wanted her team to welcome every customers so that they felt appreciated and so that they would come back because they usually had to come into her store twice before they bought. What happens? She hears her team goofing off, as she calls it and customers feel awkward, so they leave the store. At this point, Pauline gets pissed. She's angry with the team, and she thinks she's lost a customer. Pauline's case the trigger was hearing her staff chatting and laughing near the back of the store. When she hears that she gets really pissed and assumes the worst. She needed to ask herself, "Is what I'm about to say or do in alignment with my goal?" Was her team going to be better at customer service if she got angry with them? No, they weren't. In fact, when she got angry with them, they got worse at customer service. Instead, she came up with coachable opportunities when she heard them goofing off. In this case, it was especially hard because sometimes when it was slow in the store, a little chatting was okay, just not all the time. She decided that when she heard them chatting and she was triggered, she would step out of her office and coach them on what they should be doing. Now, she did wind up having to let one person go. This person was clearly not interested in learning or being coached, but the other staff members started to shape up. They set goals for how quickly to approach a customer and they started to have positions in the story that we're strategic so that they could best help people when they walked in. Back to you day-to-day, start to pay attention to your reactivity. What are the situations when you blow up? Or maybe get quiet and leave a conversation mentally. The first step to pausing is understanding your triggers and starting to learn how you react when things get hard so that you can enter up to that behavior and do what's best for you instead. We've got a helpful worksheet for you to download so that you can plan ahead for those particularly annoying instances when you know you're most likely to get reactive. To complete the worksheet, you should start by thinking about a situation where you'll likely get reactive or where you've gotten reacted in the past. Then think about the things that are most likely to trigger a reaction in you. It may be a tone of voice, people talking over one another, somewhat undermining the value of something you did. Next, note how you typically react in the situation. Do you get silent and lean back? Do you get snarky, defensive, angry, or dismissive? This is particular to you. There is no right answer here, so it might be helpful to think about feedback you've gotten from others. What's your hot button? Then think about if at that moment you are able to pause and ask yourself, is what I'm about to say or do in alignment with my goals. Then think about how would you respond to be in alignment with their goal? Explore what would be the new result you would get if you responded to this situation as a leader, rather than reacting from old patterns, it certainly won't go exactly as you picture it, but it's very powerful and productive to start to diffuse your triggers even if just a little at first. The beauty of the pause is that you can practice it anytime you want. Filling out this worksheet before tough situations arise can help you prepare so that you're not caught off guard or fill it out afterwards so that you get practice understanding what that you triggered and how you might do something different next time. The fundamental pause is the first step of the leader in new framework and if you do nothing else but this one step, you will be ahead of the game. We look forward to seeing you again in the next video. It takes the pause to the next level by helping you reflect on what's happening in you and in those you are trying to lead. See you soon. 3. Reflect: Hi, and welcome back. In this video we're going to talk about the second step in the leader in you framework, reflect. The first step which we covered in the first video is the pause. Now, remember as a leader, you'll always have greater power if, as things are coming at you, requests, demands, crises, you pause and ask yourself, is what I'm about to say or do in alignment with my goals? That quick check in with yourself is a game changer. If you add to that step two which is reflect, you can really up your game even more. We've developed a few simple questions to help you do a quick assessment of what's going on inside you, and to guess what's going on inside the people you're trying to lead, so that you can show up at your best, and help others do the same. If you'd like to follow along, you can download the PDF on this page. Let's start with you. Let's say a situation arises and you find yourself reacting. First, you'll pause and ask yourself, is what I'm about to do or say in alignment with my goals? Then you want to think about why you're reacting. In general, people don't get triggered by positive things. We get triggered by things that make us believe we're not safe. It might not be an obvious threat, but at some level you feel threatened, otherwise you wouldn't be triggered. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of in this situation? You may be afraid you'll look stupid, incompetent, itchy, or like you know it all. You may be afraid to make a mistake, or to show up you're superior. Next, ask yourself, what do I typically do when I get afraid? Maybe you check out, and just sit back quietly [inaudible] , or maybe you'll get louder and more certain. You might be defensive, or you might find that you just go blank. It's an old response to a feeling of fear, but it matters to know what that reaction is like for you. Finally ask yourself, if I felt safe, what would I do? What if you were in an unheated discussion with someone about that same topic and you felt safe, what would be your demeanor? Or if you knew you couldn't fail, how would you behave? Now, do that. Act that way you described, or do something that will increase the likelihood that you feel safe. Your goal here is to understand how your fear is shaping your reaction, and then to choose to behave at your best, as you would if you felt safe, influential, and an alignment with your sense of meaning and purpose. Let me share an example with you. I was working with a new manager named Sidney, and she realized that she needed to address an employee about his tardiness. Now historically this employee has been difficult to manage, so she asked for my help and how to address him. We started by going through the four questions. I asked her what she was afraid of in this situation. She said that she really dislike confrontations and was afraid that the employee would blast her with anger. You see her father was a yeller and it always frightened her. Next, we talked about what she does behaviorally when she is afraid. She said that she makes herself small. She stops talking and ultimately is apologetic. In other words, she doesn't stick to her plan, and abandons course. This behavior made total sense when she was a child, being yelled at by an adult, but it doesn't make sense to continue these behavior as an adult. I asked her, what would you do if you felt safe? She said she would stay the course, even if the person get upset with her and talk about the situation calmly, even though inside she was afraid, and maybe even shaking a little. Again, what could she do to increase her sense of safety? What she said was that she could write down the talking points so that she had sentences to use when she got frightened. She could also set up the room so that she wasn't alone with him by inviting someone from HR. This is how she was taking care of herself. Now the next step, is as important as understanding yourself. It's working to understand what is going on inside the person you're trying to lead, and to understand how to influence them to be at their best. This part of the concept usually takes some guessing, but even guessing helps you pay a different attention to people, and it helps you start to explore who they are, and how to best lead them. Here are the questions that can help you assess the impact other people's triggers are having on their behavior in the situation. First think about, what might they be afraid of in this situation? It's really a guess based on what you are seeing, and what you know about them. Then think about what do they typically do or how do they typically act when they're afraid? This could be about this person specifically, or you might have to just think more globally if you're having trouble. Finally, think about if they felt safe, what would they do? How would they act? I want you then as a leader to think about what you could do to help increase their sense of safety. Using our same example as earlier, I asked Sydney to guess with me about Derek's behavior. I asked her, "What might Derek be afraid of in this situation?" Quite honestly Sidney looked a little baffled, as she considered his experience, and then she said, "Oh, I guess he could be afraid that he's going to get fired." Seemed reasonable to me. Next I asked her to think about what does Derek typically do, how does he typically behave or act when he's afraid? That when she knew, she said he gets very angry and defensive. He seems like he's a know it all, but I think really he doesn't know as much as he wants to think he knows. Then I asked her, "If Derek felt safe, what would he do? How would he act?" Now this one stumped her. She said she couldn't think of anything. We thought about it in more generalities and considered that if he's like most people, if he's felt safe, he wouldn't need to get defensive or angry, because he would then be able to have a conversation about the issue at hand. Finally, I asked Sidney if there was anything that she could do to help Derek increase his sense of safety. Now remember, this is a guess, she's not going to go to him and say, would you feel safer if, it's just a guess. What she realized was that she could start the conversation by telling him what he's doing well, so that he doesn't think he's being fired, and then tell him what he needs to improve, which is his punctuality. Now, as you start to go through this process, a lot of people think, well, my boss, my parent, my friend, whoever isn't afraid of anything, and the problem here is that we often compare our inside experience to other people's outsides. Yes, they look calm. But think about how they're financially responsible for their whole family. Or the fact that they are accountable to a board of directors, or that they're reviewed in the media. There's a lot there and they can trigger fear. Your goal is to understand how their fear is shaping their behavior, and then try and help to support them being at their best. This is leadership that makes a difference in the world. Going back to Sydney, you'll be happy to hear that she had a great discussion with Derek. She actually opted not to have someone else in the room with her, for fear that it would increase his fear, and they actually wound up having a very constructive conversation. Derek felt valued for what he was doing well, and he understood that by being tardy he was jeopardizing his future. He didn't blow up, and all in all, she believed that their conversation was quite productive, and good. If time is short and you don't have an opportunity to go through the whole worksheet, then be sure to utilize the self questions. What am I afraid of in this situation? What do I typically do when I'm afraid? What would I do if I felt safe? Then do that, or do something that will increase your sense of safety so that you can have the impact that you want to have. Now play with this, see what you find out. If first to take some time to fill out the worksheet, but as you work with it, it really will get much easier, and soon you will get a feel for the questions that give you the best direction, and the best information. This exercise allows you to influence others by helping create an environment so that they can show up at their best, and so that you can show up at your best as well. Fill out the worksheets as often as you can, and if you want feedback, or need help, be sure to upload the worksheet, or ask us for help. Join me in the next video for the next step of the leader in you entitled, act with power. See you then. 4. ACT with POWER: Hi again. We're continuing our deeper dive into the three steps of the leader in your framework. As a quick reminder, in the first step, we discussed the power of pausing, to help you stop reacting and start responding with impact, and influence. Then we learned about reflecting in the moment, and asking simple questions to help you understand what's going on inside of you, and to guess what's going on inside the people you're leading. By doing this, you'll be more likely to show up at your best and to help other show up at their best. These first two steps alone provide you with simple yet effective tools to influence your world, and to be influenced by your world. In order to take your new expertise to the next level, it's important to know what actions to take to move yourself and the people you are leading forward. Let's take a look at the next step of the leader in you framework, act with power. Our goal with this step is to help you learn the skills needed to take action on behalf of the people and the things that matter to you. We've spent years finding the right combination of actions that when used together, produce exceptional leadership and outcomes. You can use the act with power steps as a guide for how to respond to events as they are unfolding. It provides a structure to help you take the steps you need to take in order to achieve the outcomes you desire. Power is an acronym we created to help you remember the five actions they create the best outcomes. Let's go through each letter, and discuss what it means. P stands for possibility mindset. Ask yourself what's possible in this situation? Leadership is critically important when you and your team are facing obstacles and challenges in the work, in relationships, or in larger systems. These obstacles and challenges can take many forms. But no matter what the issue, true leadership requires pausing, and consistently looking within the difficulties for opportunities. Leaders understand that there are always opportunities inherent in obstacle and challenges always, but most people are blinded by the obstacle. The secret to success is stepping back and looking for the opportunity hidden within. True leadership requires pausing and a focus on possibilities. O stands for ownership and transparency. Ask yourself, why do I care? Ownership and transparency in leadership means openly letting others know why the issue or situation is important to you. Why creating success matters, and what others need to know to succeed. Leaders know that others are more likely to work with them if they have a sense of them as a person, and this allows for that. Think of the difference between being told that you should do something, as opposed to being included and why this is important to the person who is leading, and probably to you as well. Inspiring leaders communicate their passion for success. W stands for we-focused goal setting. Ask yourself what's our shared vision or goal? Engaging people to create a shared vision means looking at each effort and acknowledging that success depends on the key contributors having a shared understanding of what a great outcome looks like. It is a vision that creates alignment and ownership among the people who are working together toward the outcome. Leadership is not just about creating a vision at the annual planning meeting and going forward. It's about creating shared visions in each situation you are leading to create the steps that inspire results. E stands for enabling action. Ask yourself what action can we take to move forward? Now, the word leader at its base is the word lead, which is defined as the initiation of an action and facilitating action is a central part of stepping into your leadership. Leaders who can see possibilities inherent in the challenges they face, and communicate why the effort is important to them and who can engage others to create a shared vision will still fail if they don't facilitate movement toward the results they are trying to make happen. Leadership is about action. Whether that's getting results, creating new ways of relating, or whether it's about moving towards a new future. As a leader in all aspects of your life, you will always have more power and impact if you take time to translate your ideas into actions. Leading is active and intentional. Even if sometimes that action is the decision to sit tight. R stands for review and refine. Ask yourself what is working and what is not working? When people are new to owning their leadership, they sometimes think they can lead once and then they're done. In fact, leadership is an ongoing process of pausing, assessing what's going on inside of you, and inside of them, and then acting with power, and then doing it all again. Which is why the fifth action is R for review and refine so that you can determine what's working and what's not working. This step requires assessing if things are moving as you'd hoped, and providing feedback to all involved on how their behaviors are contributing, or not contributing to the effort. There are times when we see incredible confusion between leadership and cheer-leading. Just saying nice things to people isn't leadership, that's cheerleading. Leaders must identify the ways that individuals have contributed to the success, and how they can continue to make a difference. But just as importantly, they must also recognize that some behaviors aren't helping and they have to talk to people about those behaviors, and coach them on how to succeed going forward. Let's consider a simple but common leadership challenge. Your company has been tasked to build a website for a client. You have a conversation with the people who are supposed to get the project done. A member of your team tells you they've bumped into a problem that is going to put the brakes on the project, and to tell the client that it will be delayed. Everyone starts to toss in the towel, but you stop and think, what if we act with power? By acting with power, you kick in and do the following: Possibilities. Gather a few people to explore what might be possible in light of the obstacles, and challenges. They may be right, that the exact thing you are going to do is not possible, but now knowing you are bumping into, you may be able to see even more exciting possibilities. Look at it from all angles. Ownership. As you begin this exploration, you tell them how important the success of this project is to you, and why success is important for you and the team as well. We-focused. Next you engage them in a we-based discussion that will start to create and shape a shared vision for how to move forward. You might say we need this project back online quickly. Who has ideas about how we can get moving again? Enable Action. As you talk, you are starting to help them think about next steps. Who will do what? What steps need to happen? What connections need to be made? You will start right then to notice what's working and what isn't working. Review and refine, and then in the next few hours or days you will review what has been done and provide feedback on how they can refine their behavior to be more successful. If there is a new obstacle, you once again look at possibilities. Remind them of why it's important and loop back through this steps of power. You get the picture. We've got a worksheet for you to download to fill out and help you practice these five action steps. Remember practice is the key to tapping into the leader in you. This is not a one and done activity. The leader in you framework is comprised of three key skills that will grow and evolve with you, as you discover the leader in you. Thanks for joining us in this class. I hope to see you in another class soon.