Emotional Intelligence Skills for Leaders

1. Introduction: Hello and welcome Teoh. Emotional Intelligence as a leader. My name is Monica Tougher. I'm an organisational consultant and coach based in Washington, D. C. I have taught thousands of leaders the soft skills of leadership, which really, to me are the emotional intelligence skills that will be talking about today. If you are looking to thrive in an organization, become a leader in your community or in your business, this is the class for you. I Q or your intended intelligence quotient is really what gets you in the door in an organization or as a leader. But your emotional intelligence skills are really what make you drive. If you think of leaders that you worked with her that you admire and jot down a few qualities and traits of really what makes them most effective, you'll see that the ones that really stand out for you are things like their interpersonal skills show that they're carrying their inspiring skills. They show that there's supportive. All of these are emotional intelligence skills. In this class, you're gonna learn about Daniel Goldman's model, which goes into four quadrants of components of emotional intelligence. They include self awareness, getting to know yourself a little bit better. Your strengths and weaknesses. Self management, which gets, too. Now that I know who I am and what my emotions far, how does regulate and manage them, especially if I'm getting stressed or triggered by external events? The third component is social awareness. Will you start starting to get to pay attention to what's going on around you and the people around you? This includes things like body language, empathy, all of those skills of understanding others around you. And the fourth component of this model is relationship management, which is often the skills we think about with leadership. And yet these are the things that really, when we think about conflict management, change management influence all come under Mr Relationship Management. In this class, you will learn these skills, be able to apply what's going on in them and really become the most effective leader that you could be. I've seen it time and time again, where people who don't have the skills to get stalled derailed in their career. And yet when they dig deep and really go into what's going on for them emotionally, they can actually drive. I like to say that with emotional intelligence is like a fine wine. It gets better and better with age and maturity. So thank goodness for that. It is learn herbal, and in this class you'll learn exactly that. I hope you'll join me and let's dig into the content. 2. Class & Project Overview: Hello and welcome back. Let's talk about your class project now. When we do emotional intelligence, the rubber hits the road when we actually have to deal with people, and especially when we have to have difficult conversations. So as we go through this class, you're gonna learn the preeminent skills needed through social awareness, self awareness, self management, relationship management on how toe have a really effective, difficult conversation. Your class project is going to be putting together a worksheet to outline what you learned in self awareness and etcetera in order to be prepared to actually have that difficult conversation. So think about either conversation that's upcoming for you, or one that you wish you could have a do over on in the past where you felt like, man, I really blew that. So, um, come prepared, you will learn everything that you need to do in order to get prepared to have this conversation. Also, be ready to share it with the class. This is where you're gonna really get to practice and learn and really embody the components of emotional intelligence. See you soon 3. Self Awareness: so welcome back. Let's talk about self awareness now the first component of emotional intelligence in the Daniel Goldin model. And when we talk about a self awareness, I mentioned earlier that this is the linchpin of everything that is emotional intelligence . It's knowing about ourselves first, once we're aware about what's going on for us, and it would be much easier to interact and understand what might be going on for others and build positive relationships with them. So we started thinking about self awareness. The most important components of this really are understanding how we feel our value system , what's most important to us, knowing what our strengths and weaknesses are and also understanding what works, what doesn't work for us. The questions on the slide also get to how all how are we feeling? You know, how often are we in a good mood? What really works for us? How do we set a positive or negative tone our team and really knowing that moods are contagious? I had a leader once come Teoh as a speaker to my organization, and she said, leaders create the weather and I think that's so brilliant. It really landed because it really talks about. If you were in a sunny, happy move, you're going to spread that If you're in a stormy, angry mood, you're gonna spread that in your organization, any mood that you're in. Not to say that you can't have the range of emotions but knowing and being self aware about and saying, You know what, I'm really hang gree right now. I need a little food so that I'm not gonna take it out on anybody. Let's take a pause. Might really help people understand where you are and help yourself understand where you are so that you can do something different about it. So the self awareness is starting to understand and learn about where you are, what's important to you and where you are, what you are feeling in any given moment. And I love using this little tool. It's all the states of being, and it's a little chart. This is something you could even use just for yourself. You could use it for your teen's, and it really goes from a negative three all the way up to a positive three. So when you think about negative three and the feelings you're really hopeless is heated negative to you might be a stressed and angry negative one. Frustrated, annoyed, right. Not feeling so great when you start going to the plus sides of it. Plus one, your content, please arrested. He maybe had a good night's sleep. You're feeling pretty good. Plus, to your happy and energized and post through your really joyful you're unstoppable. You're feeling strong and really at your best. So just a little chart to even map where you are Where you the beginning of the day Were you at the beginning of a meeting where you at lunchtime were you at the end of the day? And if you had to fill that out for yourself? The state of being charged, just document for yourself right now. Where are you on that scale of negative three to plus three. So take a second and just jot down a number after you jotted that down. Now think about what's the impact of that mood on anything that you're going to do in the world. Let's say you have ah, performance management conversation coming up. You have to tell somebody on your team how well they've been doing for the last year or how not? Well, they're doing past year. Let's say you're at a negative to how well do you think that conversation's gonna go? And then think about If you're at a plus two or plus three, How is that conversation Go? Not to say that, you know, even if you have to give bad news. Negative two vs plus two. But you're gonna be in a much better positive state of mind to be able to even addressed harder topics if you're out of plus two versus a negative, too. So a very easy way to start documenting for yourself your own self awareness in terms of your emotions. Where are you at any given moment and I would offer This is an easy way to track how you're feeling at any given moment if you're not aware of it, even if you are aware, this is a tool nice to a lot to also to use with your teams, so you start getting a sense as a leader. How is your team showing up? How are they feeling at any given moment? And what does that mean for how your team can approve problem progress as a whole in terms of getting things done. Needing to talk about something, needing to address something I remember with some teams are the beginning of the pandemic needing to actually address the team on how they're feeling much more rather than going straight into the work because it was such a shock, such a, um, change to the system that people really need to process the emotions around it first before we start getting into the actual work content. So knowing that they might be it a negative two or negative three given a scenario going on home or something that just happened with somebody else in the organization might actually also help you understand how so. That's self awareness and one simple tool to start using a more self aware about your emotional state. So jot down, duck down that chart for yourself and start using it, um, to help understand where you are in any 4. Self Management: Let's Talk About self management. Necks is a second component of emotional intelligence, and Daniel Goldman's a model here around it. And South Management's now Okay, Now I understand how I'm feeling any given moment. I know my state of being. I understand where I'm what I'm feeling. How am I understand, Um, that I can check in and understand what those emotions are. Self management means I know what those are, and I can do something about it. Let's say I am cut off by a car in traffic instead of actually you know, giving a not so polite gesture or saying that perhaps not a nice word of my car. Um, I can actually just say, you know what? I'm just gonna let it go there in a bigger brush. That or I can take a few deep breaths or focus on the music or focus off talking to voters in the car with me rather than getting caught up by what's happening around me. If I'm getting hang gree because I haven't eaten, I need a snack. I know for me, I need snacks in the middle of the afternoon. I can notice that I am feeling that way. And then I could do something that I can keep snacks with me. I could do something so that I can actually shift the emotional state and do something different about it. So on that state of mind now, instead of feeling like I just, I met a negative three, and that's where I had. How am at negative? Three. But you know what? I can do some things like talkto take a walk, bent to a friend, listen to music, take a pause, do a few breathing exercises, and I can perhaps move myself up at state of being in charge so that I have been an actual difference place. Now when we think about it, just a quote here by Daniel Goldman that we've been talking about the emotional. The human brain hasn't had a hardware upgrade in about 100,000 years, so you know, it's like we've evolved very early. We think about this fight or flight mode doesn't eat No, I eat it or doesn't eat me. You don't sit around and google it, but our emotional status really is like were were at that back at that space of can it take the rest of the brain, um, that fight or flight mode And even if it's not like that anymore, our brain still response. Hey, we're still feeling like a tiger is attacking us and we're either going to live or die. Okay, so we started thinking about, like, triggers and things that might impact us and get us off of our game is very natural. In fact, it's happening in the brain. We call it this emotional hijack, and often these things are sudden. They're getting star whale there, forceful. You might feel a loss of control. I've been jokingly say that my mother can trigger me 100 times from Adam, although is lessening now over years and years of working at this, not even years. But as I've got more thoughtful around emotional intelligence, I can I understand the trigger and do something more about it and that you weren't really planning on this happening so again, you're at a place where you feel like you know what this just got triggered, and I wanna say something that I'm going to regret later. The self management is what do we do about it? And this is the last tool I want to share with you for self management on. And this is all around this little micro practice and it's three breasts. And I'm gonna do this with you so that we get a sense of what? This is. The first breath. We're gonna just take attention to the breath, the second breath. We're gonna relax the body and 1/3 brother. We're gonna ask what's important now. So let's just do that together. We're gonna take one deep breath in And just as he breathed out, start paying attention to the breath. Take a second deep breath in, and as you breathe out, just relax the body. Releasing any tension, I'm taking 1/3 deep breath in. And as you breathe out asking yourself what's important to me right now, do you feel the difference, right? Just in short, three little breasts. Huge way to start shifting the dynamic internally to be able to do something different with the only said you're feeling right now. So that's self management. Think of some other tools as well. That helps you shift your emotional state. You pride have some in your back pocket using over the years they might not even know or as you become more aware of them, you'll know what to use to help you become, um, when you're in a triggered state or feeling maybe in a negative to negative rehab, bring it up to something different. So that's self man. 5. Social Awareness: So let's now talk about the third area of emotional intelligence from the annual Goldman model. This is social awareness, and we started thinking about social awareness. We're now starting to understand what other people are, what air and they feeling. It's like starting to notice. Ah, body language. You walk into eating and no notice somebody who's looking a little downcast. Or typically they are speaking a lot and recognizing that something, they're not speaking so much. And that's not their normal demeanor. So starting to have a periphery view around your organization around your team, maybe even see that's even virtually these in in virtual settings, you start getting a sense of what's going on for other people. Big component of this is empathy. And when we start thinking about being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes, um, and so that we understand and can empathize with what they're going through is also gonna fuel how we interact. I want to show you one video. This is by a researcher named Renee Brown. She's done a lot of work on um on vulnerability. She's written a great book called Daring Greatly and many others, and she has a short little video on the distinction between sympathy and empathy, and I'm going to share that with you. Now start seeing her definition of what it looks like in terms of station. Take a few minutes. So what is empathy and why is it very different than sympathy? Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives, disconnection, empathy. It's a very interesting Theresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied professions, very diverse professions, were empathy, is relevant and came up with four qualities of empathy. Perspective, taking the ability to take the perspective of another person or are recognized their perspective. Is there truth staying out of judgment? Not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us dio recognizing emotion and other people and then communicating that empathy is feeling with people. And to me, I always think of empathy. Is this kind of sacred space when someone's kind of in a deep hole and they shot up from the bottom and they say, I'm stuck its dark, I'm overwhelmed and then we look and we say, Hey, calm down. I know what it's like down here and you're not alone. Sympathy is Oh, it's bad, huh? Uh, no. You want sandwich? If it is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. Rarely, if ever does an empathic response begin with. At least I had a and we do it all the time because you know what? Someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful, and we're trying to silver lining it. I don't think that's a verb, but I'm using it is one. We're trying to put the silver lining around it. So I had a miscarriage. At least you know you could get pregnant. I think my marriage is falling apart. At least you have a marriage. John's getting kicked out of school at least Sarah within a student. But one of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations, is we try to make things better. If I share something with you, that's very difficult. I'd rather you say I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just so glad you told me. Because the truth is rarely can a response make something better? What makes something better is connection. So we started thinking about social awareness. Is this idea really understanding what's going on for other people and starting to pay attention? So start focusing on that when you think of social awareness. 6. Relationship Management: Let's now talk about the last component of emotional intelligence of Daniel Goldman's models relationship management. And this is where the rubber hits the road. This is often when we talk about leadership, when we think about conflict management, influence, change management, I'm developing others inspiration all those things that helped develop strong and our personal skills. Um, and knowing that all the other three build up to develop strong relationship manage skills , okay, And so all of these, those other three are really critical toe have as a baseline and order have strong relationships in the workplace, in our lives and our communities as parents. All of those things come from having strong emotional intelligence skills, and the last thing I want to talk about here is having difficult conversations. What do we do when we actually want it? Develops, um, have some conflict or have a conversation with other people and this is taken from the book difficult conversation. So that content is really from there. And when we started thinking about difficult conversations, really looking at the content and doing some pre work before we have conversation. So this is really taking that time to self managed take those depressed, take a walk, bent to somebody else so that you could be really thoughtful about what's on your mind and how to actually have that conversation. And so we think about the difficult conversation. The pre work, first of all, is just really getting clear on what is it that actually happened at? What is it that you want to have a difficult conversation about? Secondly, what are the feelings? What are you feeling as a result of whatever situation that happens and then, thirdly, identify what's getting triggered in you. And often what they say and difficult conversations is that often one of these three things is getting getting triggered. Something around. The fact of questioning whether you're competent question whether even if you're a good person or thirdly of your worthy of love and respect, care and respect, if you think it yourself as a leader in an organization, and often when we're getting triggered by one of those three questions, that's when we're reacting into something that really could be troublesome, right? It's like if you're having ah, somebody's getting triggered by your spouse or by students sometimes, and, um, you know, conflict with a co worker. Sometimes I was dealing with, um, some difficult co workers, and the content was I was giving them things to do, and they weren't quite so adept at it. Feelings were that they just weren't that good. And so I was starting to then identify that. Are they competent? And also is it like, Am I a good person? So I'm sorry. Get frustrated them. So that was what was sure for me. And if I could have taken the time to slow down surreally slow down the process. So I get really clear on this, I can do the work. First of all, of identifying, what is it that I really want to talk about? And if it's really questioning in my a good person, I'm getting frustrated. Then I might lead to have to lean back more into empathy that maybe she's she or he wasn't quite as adept. And maybe I needed to do a little bit more training rather than get frustrated that they weren't doing work well. And that was on me, right? But it was only after I could slow it down like you really get clear on what was important in that moment and what conversation I need tohave. Okay, so the conversation stars with actually doing pre work of identifying all of these three steps in terms of really understanding what I what's get clarity in my own mind. And then from there, as I said, verbalize those three levels of conversation and then check in. Is this really a conversation I need to have in terms of difficult conversation? You know what? That person, actually as I if I go through this, all this and I realize I need to have a very different conversation, that getting upset at her for not doing something right. It could be, Let's take some time so I can walk you through this a little bit more and we could get a little bit more clarity on what's needed so I could really develop her a little bit more. Once you get clear on what the difficult conversation then is then really start from 1/3 party perspective. Almost like like a journalist, almost like you're giving more acts. Hey, when we did this, I was looking really for this when we spend a little bit more time on, um, getting clarity around what that is. So we could be We can approach it differently next time. Okay. So really, from the fact perspective, explore their story to get a little understanding when I switched Florida with her is that she just need a little bit more time. I'm often last minute and making lots of changes and she knew more preplanned time to get things organized land, and that really helped us understand the distinction between our styles. And then we could figure out problem solving, okay? And then it made me realize I need to plan a little bit more ahead of time. I need to get her information quicker or sooner and not be so last minutes if she doesn't have to be so reactive, that made the conversation that much easier by actually having done the work up up front to understand what really was going on. So we think about relationship management. This is one last skill, very tactical practical skill, um, to help make our relationships better because we're doing the work internally. First, to figure out what's really going on these three levels of the conversation content, feelings and identity. Hey, so if you can practice that that's actually part of the work sheet or your class project. Start taking a look at that because now you have all the components to to make that together. But this is really the crux of it having that conversation. All right, so relationship management. 7. Conclusion: So this concludes our session on emotional intelligence. I leave you with a couple of quotes here. The 1st 1 our emotions need to be as educated is our intellect. It's important to know how we feel, how to respond and how to let life in so that it can touch you. And secondly, emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence. It's not the triumph of heart overhead. It's a unique intersection of both. I love both of those quotes. As I've mentioned. You know, emotional intelligence is like a fine wine. You can develop it over time. It is learn herbal. These are skills that are so important to help in, um, building up your leadership capacity. I've seen time and time again leaders coming through some of my training zor coaching sessions where they've worked on this. And all of a sudden, their relationships with peers has become better. Their ability to manage up has become better their ability to have conversations or communications or difficult conversations with if people has improved, and as a result, they've either gotten promoted. Their relationships have gotten, um, smooth out such that people want to work with them. They start getting better reviews on their on their performance reviews. The evidence is there that emotional intelligence really is the key indicator or four leadership and moving on. So I encourage you to wrap up, do the project. Um, the worksheet. Difficult conversations. You have all the tools now on self awareness. Um, self management, social awareness and relationship management. All of those skills and tools are useful. Filling out that difficult conversations worksheet and getting you prepared to actually having the conversation. Um, so please go out there, fill it out and posted up on the site as well as actually go have the conversations. This is where the rubber hits the road and where emotional intelligence really comes to play. So don't hesitate. Lean in practice. No, that, you know, Even if he stumble, you can get right back up and keep working on your emotional intelligence skills, and it's gonna keep getting you to where you want to go as a leader. So thank you so much. Here's my contact information. Feel free to find me on my website. Monica Tucker are dot com, email me, phone me. You can also get on my linked in and, um friend me there and we can be connected that way as well. I appreciate you taking the class emotional intelligence for leaders. And I hope to see you soon at another class again. Have a wonderful rest of the day.