Transcripts
1. Introduction: The person across from you is calling you a bunch of names. They're belittling you. They're bringing question
to your credentials. You you're a pretty
aggressive guy as well. They can't disrespect
you like this. So you start doing the
same tactics back on them. What started off as a mild disagreement
starts to escalate. Have you ever had a
situation like that happen? Have you ever seen other people exhibit this sort of behavior? This situation is very, very common when dealing with
different personalities. The purpose of this
class is to ensure that we learn how to
manage conflicts. My name is Armand drudgery, the founder of our money talks, a media company which
helps engineers and entrepreneurs articulate
their ideas with confidence. One of these skill sets
taught by the Armani tags brand is emotional intelligence. And in this beginner's class
on conflict management, you will learn what exactly
is conflict management? How to assign the
opposing party respect, how to logically break
down your points. Along with plenty of
other topics which will help you out in the real world. If you're ready to level up
your emotional intelligence, I look forward to
seeing you inside.
2. What is Conflict Management?: Conflict management
is the art of not letting conflicts turn
into something volcano. Now this is a very
comical description, but this is something
that we want to understand because it helps us perceive
human emotions. Human emotions cannot always
be understood through raw logic because some parts
of emotions go beyond logic. And whenever something
goes beyond logic, one of the best things we
can do is study nature. Look at the calm ocean. It's relaxing, isn't it? Doesn't the calm ocean remind you of when
you're feeling calm? When you are feeling serene. For me, it does. What about anger? Anger starts off as something
like it's bubbling, sort of like a volcano. And as it's bubbling at, the bubbles are
beginning to intensify. As it's becoming more intense. What eventually happens is
that this volcano explodes, sort of like a
ticking time bomb. Was the last time you got angry. Did you immediately
start off angry? Or did you have these little
bubbles like a volcano? Understand this? Because this perception of the volcano is going to come in handy for the rest of the class. We want to ensure
that these bubbles do not explode into
something much larger. And that is the essence
of conflict management.
3. Multiple Perspectives: Whenever we're angry,
we're happens is that our decision tree
begins to reduce. The decision tree is the
level of options that are available for the
mind at any given moment. Whenever a person is
really, really angry, they go from being smart,
too narrow-minded. And once they are narrow-minded, they're viewing the
entire situation from their perspective alone, completely ignoring
the other party. The first step of conflict
management is to ensure that we keep sight of every
one else's perspective. For the sake of
clarity in this class, I'm going to assume
that you are having conflict with just one person. But a lot of the rules
that you're learning in this class can be applied even if you're
dealing with a team. We want to make sure
that this party that we are disagreeing
with is given respect. We want to make sure
that we are weighing in their perspective and how we are going to do that will be learned in the next section.
4. Assign them Respect: There was this one time where I was driving in the
streets of Tampa. And this is one of those
roads which are very, very, very annoying to drive on because it's sort of like
the wild, wild west. Everyone is on their own. And this brings out
our primal sides. Rather than using words. We're using a lot
of hand motions, like Go and the
other hand motion, I can't bring up in this class. So there was this one time, I'm over here waiting and I see this pretty old guy that
wants to cross the road. I'm feeling good. I'm like, go ahead, old man. He looks at me and
he doesn't go. Once again. I'm like, oh, go on. Go. Once again. He looks back at me, but he doesn't go. Now, at this point, I'm starting to get a
little bit annoyed. I already told you
twice old man to go, but you're still not going. You're wasting my time. Now, the gentle hand
motion of this is turning into this goal. And this time the old man
looks at me and he's like, and once he does this, I looked to my side
and I see that there's another car coming in a certain speed where
if the old man did walk, he would have gotten
hit by the car. So he saw something
that I didn't see. Now, I couldn't be an
egomaniac right now. And I could have been
like, well, technically, old man, if I was you, I could have made a run for it. But I wasn't this elderly man. He walks in a different
pace than I do. He saw something that
I didn't see because of where he was standing
and where I was. The point of the story is
to understand that whenever you're getting into a
conflict with someone else, you may be right from where you're looking at it,
where you're driving. And the other person, maybe right from where
they're standing. There are multiple perspectives out there that we're
operating with. And since you're the one that's watching this class, hopefully, you start to be the person that accepts all the
different perspectives. You don't have to agree
with it for the time being, but at least acknowledge that there are
different perspectives. By doing this, it makes it much, much easier to listen to the other person and
to not personalized. Whenever you're dealing
with a heated situation, you want to pause, take some time and see if the old man see something
that you do not.
5. Actively Listen: Once we've given them important by understanding that they have a perspective of their own. We want to now actively listen. The difference between actively listening and just hearing someone is that
hearing is just audio. You're just hearing the sounds, but you're not mentally
processing what they're saying. And that's what a lot of people do during conflicts there, just waiting for
their turn to speak. We want to avoid that. By avoiding that, we want
to actively active listen. Now, what exactly is
active listening? First of all, there's two different types of
listening out there. There's passive listening, and then there's
active listening. Passive listening is
when you're sort of like a sponge and you're
just taking endpoints. Well, active listening
is when you're taking in the points and you're amplifying it sort of
like a trampoline. Active listening is also known
as trampoline listening. Depending on the state
of the conflict. Every now and then, you
may have to go into sponge mode where
you're taking in a lot of the information and you're like Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh. But other times, you
need to be more active. You need to ask
questions back to make sure that you're
understanding their perspective. You need to paraphrase
their points. And paraphrasing is sort of like a game that keeps you engaged and makes you avoid the
hearing alone trap. And every now and
then as they say, something that you
can relate to, you too, can contribute as well. So in this stage, were mainly leading
with active listening, with a sprinkle of
passive listening every now and then to make sure that we are making the other
person feel listened to. And this allows us to set
ourselves up appropriately. The next step.
6. State your Points: Thus far, we've been doing
a lot of things correctly. Hopefully, we have
assigned them respect. We have been listening
to what they're saying, and we've been trying
to be active as well. So we're engaged in
the interaction. And this is one,
we're going to have this little fork in the road. The fork is going to basically
be where the other person is acknowledging our respect and they are returning the
same respect towards us. Or they're going to be
very disrespectful. And this happens just because you can solve
a lot of conflicts, does not mean that you should. At times, you may have
to take a pause until this person cools off because they're not
going to listen to you. They're just going to here or they're just going
to put you down. And this is when it
would be wise to take a pause and then come back
to this situation later. One of the good things to do
whenever you're dealing with someone who's very angry
is to give them distance. And other times,
if they're really, really toxic, you may not even want to resolve
this conflict at all. I'll let you use
your own judgment. But the other fork
in the road is, since you gave them the respect, they are now returning
the respect for you. And this is your time homie, you need to logically
layout your points. And since you've been listening so much from their perspective, it's easier to lay out the logical points that are relevant to the
discussion at hand. A lot of times people
are arguing about something where they actually
agree with their points. But both parties are expressing themselves
in different words. So don't be surprised
if when it's your turn, you're saying, hey, homie, we're not really even
disagreeing in the first place. We're actually
agreeing, but we're breaking it down from
completely different angles. That will be the end of it. And other times it may
not be the end of it. Let's say your friend is talking about how communism
is the best thing and how you're saying
that capitalism is the best thing from
where you guys are. The logical points are
very, very different. Maybe there are certain points
you guys can agree with. But logically speaking,
what you're saying is not necessarily meeting
them where they are. As long as you are logically
breaking down your point. And this person is listening. Over time, the
conflict will start to reduce and it will not turn
into a volcano erupting. It'll go from bubbles to
disappearing completely. Just because you do not
agree with the other person, does not mean that the respect
still cannot be there. So at this stage, just logically break down
your points to the best of your abilities and see
the dialogue from there.
7. Lead towards a Resolution: One of the best things
to do out there is agree to disagree. Just because the conflict
is not capable of being a grid width does not mean that you guys both need to leave
with a sour attitude. Jokingly just saying, I guess we're going
to have to agree to disagree is going to solve a
lot of different conflicts. But one of the main
things you want to do is lead towards a resolution. Let's make a comical
situation out of this. Let's say your husband and
your wife, U2 are arguing. Let's say it's about not
picking up the trash. And you guys have gone through this entire conflict
management series. You guys have understood
each other's perspectives. You guys have actively listened. You guys have logically
laid out your points. Now what you want to
ask that question. Now what I mean, are you the husband
allowed back in the bed? Is that what you are arguing for it in the beginning stages, there needs to be some
way to close this loop. Other times it could be done. Now what is us
agreeing to disagree? And then boom, we're
done another time. Now what is okay? We were actually about
to get into a fistfight. But now what is that? We're not going to
get into a fistfight. Bottom line, you want to
just lead to some sort of resolution to acknowledge
that the conflict is done. It even helps if you can say, Hey, I'm coming from my end, or you come from your end. And the other person
will say, yes. So as long as we lead
to a resolution, that's when we can close
the door on this conflict.
8. Use the Name: So here's a bonus tip. Whenever someone is very angry, one of the things that the logical mind wants
to do a lot is be like, Hey buddy or calm
down. Calm down. And this is one of the worst
things that you can say. Because whenever you're angry, if someone is saying, calm down, calm down. It's very condescending because your emotional side wants
to express itself, right? And what someone is saying, calm down, calm down. It just makes you angry. Or instead of saying
calm down, calm down, it's much better to say
the other person's name, username a bit more. Don't overdo it, of course, but use it in a way where it's slowly settling the person
back n. This is way, way more effective to
telling them not to feel their emotions does gradually say their
name a little bit more. And each time you said
you're bringing them back n and allowing the
conflict to be resolved.
9. Final Project: Now is the time for
the final project. Your goal is to find a person
that you can roleplay. What did you find them? Great. This person is going
to be your enemy. Assign yourself a conflict, a conflict that is believable. Maybe you are two friends that are disagreeing
on politics. Maybe U2 are disagreeing on something that may lead
to a potential fistfight. Or maybe this partner is your relationship partner and you guys are disagreeing
on a household issue. Once you have assigned,
the conflict, acted out a pretend as though you guys are getting
very, very angry. And as you're getting angry, your goal is to understand that this person has a perspective of their own. Once you slow your roll this a little bit and understand
they have a perspective. Initiate the act of
listening cycle. Go on, ask questions, try to understand
their perspective. A paraphrase their
points to make sure that you are
understanding correctly. Once they feel listened to, It's your time to create the logic to lead
to a resolution. Maybe you're one of
those people that was going to get an a fistfight. You're creating your
logic in a certain way to ensure the resolution
is no fistfight. Once you're done with
this little exercise, or go on and create a
report of your experience. How was it? Was your partner
being believable? Where are you feeling
Good once you understood their perspective
from their angle? How, what is it like active listening and such
heated circumstances? I get as detailed as
you possibly can and posterior report in the final project
section right below, I look forward to reading it. If you enjoyed this
beginner's class on emotional intelligence
and conflict management, I be sure to get
more content from the Armani talks
brand by checking out our money talks.com. I, in this website, you will see a lot
of mine, blogs, podcasts, videos, books, and much more,
or money talks.com. Go on and check it out.
Arman Chowdhury, Confidence thru Communication
