Love, Dating, and Marriage Success from Single to Happily Ever After! | Jerry Banfield | Skillshare

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Love, Dating, and Marriage Success from Single to Happily Ever After!

teacher avatar Jerry Banfield, Teaches 105 Skillshare Classes

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Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Watch this class and thousands more

Get unlimited access to every class
Taught by industry leaders & working professionals
Topics include illustration, design, photography, and more

Lessons in This Class

34 Lessons (4h 21m)
    • 1. Let's begin finding and building your happily ever after relationship!

      5:56
    • 2. 3 tips I learned the hard way

      10:36
    • 3. 1 simple way to attract

      7:45
    • 4. Dating is like gambling where you mostly lose and you can win big.

      7:42
    • 5. Understand you are working for the single most important part of your life.

      6:58
    • 6. Get honest about your bad habits.

      3:15
    • 7. Love yourself and you will be lovable.

      10:39
    • 8. You get what you give.

      11:40
    • 9. Start building a successful system for maintaining a healthy weight.

      7:13
    • 10. Work a little bit each day on how you look.

      8:24
    • 11. The benefits of developing spiritually.

      7:16
    • 12. Understand there is no "opposite sex" only people.

      10:40
    • 13. Discover what matters most to you in a partner.

      8:35
    • 14. Making a great dating profile

      10:52
    • 15. Make broad and relevant search criteria

      3:35
    • 16. Establish mutual interest before sending a message

      6:10
    • 17. The goal of a message is getting a face to face meeting.

      5:04
    • 18. How to convert the message into a date and what to plan.

      8:40
    • 19. Be yourself.

      5:45
    • 20. Trust your instinct about the other person.

      8:08
    • 21. The first date is the easiest time to quit.

      6:48
    • 22. How to plan a great first date.

      4:09
    • 23. DO NOT do any of these on a first date.

      5:17
    • 24. End with a hug for yes or a polite "thank you for going out with me."

      7:51
    • 25. Follow up how you would like to be followed up.

      6:32
    • 26. Establish that there will be a second date soon or forget about it.

      5:31
    • 27. Build upon the success of the first date or establish a failure.

      5:27
    • 28. Close strongly with a kiss or give up on the second date.

      3:58
    • 29. Second date follow up. Give what you want to get or end it!

      8:11
    • 30. Fall in love with me every day! The power of doing nice things every day.

      12:57
    • 31. How to have a Happy Marriage + How to be a Good Wife and Husband.

      18:47
    • 32. What is fantasy, how it hurts sex with your partner and how to stop fantasizing

      12:34
    • 33. Marriage is about the person you marry.

      1:41
    • 34. Married people have sex more and enjoy it more

      6:02
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About This Class

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, finding a great partner in life is the easiest way to do it! Use this course to learn about successful dating, relationships, and marriage based on my experience doing nearly everything you can do wrong for 10 years and then finally doing it right in meeting, dating, and marrying my wife!

You will appreciate this course whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship now because it will continue to expand with new lectures indefinitely. The inspiration you get out of each lecture can be used to know that you are worthy of love right now the way you are. The practical tips included in the first section are great whether you just want to be a better partner for the person you are with or be able tofind the person of your dreams!

Act on your feelings of love, hope, and faith to enroll now!

Meet Your Teacher

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Jerry Banfield

Teaches 105 Skillshare Classes

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You can become a MASTER OF DIGITAL MARKETING by following me on Skillshare and watching my classes each day!

BIO: 6 years sober, 4 years plant based diet, 7 years married, 4 years parenting, and 9 years as an entrepreneur online with 103 video classes on Skillshare, 21 books, 1082+ blog posts, 2,500+ YouTube videos, 1,000+ podcast episodes, and 70 songs on iTunes/Spotify!

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Transcripts

1. Let's begin finding and building your happily ever after relationship!: Are you ready to be successful at dating and make the relationships of your dreams? Do you want to go from single toe happily ever after with a relationship or a marriage that defines your life? For me, that was my single biggest struggle From the time I was a teenager until about 25 years old , when I met my wife. The thing that drove me the absolute craziest was dating, trying to find the right person. And even when I did get some kind of a relationship making it a great relationship today, I'm grateful. I've been very happily married. Now, coming up on eight years. I've been with my wife for more than nine years since we started dating. I filmed that most of this course a few years ago when we had been married a little while. And all the principles and strategies I talk about are still working so well that my marriage is better than ever. I now have two beautiful Children with my wife, and ah, I'm a grateful for the chance to share my experience here with you. Because when I was single and trying to figure out what to do, I found so much just worthless information that may dating harder. What I give you in this course is the good stuff I give you first, the information you need to get yourself together. If you want to attract an amazing partner, you need to make yourself on amazing partner. It's unreasonable for you to be feeling unattractive and not being nice to people. And ah, wandering around lost in life and expect that you're going to attract this person of your dreams is going to fix you. The first section of the course, all about getting prepared to be with the person of your dreams, then will go through online dating, which is what worked for me to meet my wife and works for a lot of other people. However, you can adapt this course to meet your specific situation once you walk through how to use online dating to actually meet your partner or potential partner. Then I have a section on how to successfully date once you've got the in person meeting. If you don't need to online date, you can skip that section and go straight to the dating to begin with. I just filmed the 1st 2 dates and maybe I'll add some new videos on that later. The last section of the course wraps up with how to have a happy relationship and share some stories from my marriage. What's important with the relationship is to grow together. My wife and I have been through so many changes, and it takes a conscious choice every day to continue the relationship. And any time either of us has the ability to make a conscious choice to not continue the relationship. And if that happens, then ah, we're on our way out. It takes a conscious decision, both of us saying Yes, I want to be in this relationship. I'll do whatever it takes to keep this relationship happy and good. And from that point of view, we go forward when I decide I'll do whatever it takes to make this a great relationship. It starts with taking great care of myself. Then I'm able to be available to think about my partner. I like to bring this into focus. What's the one thing I can do today to Ah make everything else in my marriage easier or unnecessary? The one thing for me is to think about my wife. Think about what she wants, what she needs, and consider that in how I conduct my life. When I do that, everything else in a relationship is so much easier. I'm so excited to give you some amazing information inspiration that no matter where you're at with dating, it's possible to wrap your life up happily ever after. It's possible to have the relationship of your dreams. I remember right before I met my wife, I went out with this girl and it was kind of a lame date and I thought, Is this all my life's gonna be? Is it just going to be these failures? Do I just deserve to be alone? And I said, No, I will keep trying until I get it right and I refuse to settle for what is less than I know is possible. I got a message when I was selling my I Mac yesterday from a buyer who immediately tried to offer less than I posted it for, and I said, I'm waiting. I'm holding out until I get a full price offer an hour or two. After that, I got a full price offer, and dating is very much like that. If you just take the first person that comes along, even though you know it's not right, you're setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness down the road and you can attract Ah better and better person. The better and better. You take care of yourself and your life and ask for and get the help you need and pray for guidance. Be open to the right person coming into your life from any different direction. I love my wife. She's the girl of my dreams. We have a beautiful family. This is exactly what I imagined when I was a child and I lost the vision of it, or it went in the background for many years as a teenager and young adult. But I kept trying for it, and I refused to settle for a girl I didn't think was attractive for a girl that didn't bring out the best in me and I I had a lot of time single, and then I met my wife. I kept trying all that time. This course shares what I've learned and I'm so excited for you. Teoh, continue this journey with me. 2. 3 tips I learned the hard way: to get started. Would you like to hear three tips? I learned that the hard way That may be extremely helpful for you, Rather your in a relationship or want to be in one or not even sure you ever want to be in one or you're in one. You're not happy. These three tips help me a lot today and I hope they'll be helpful for you. Number one, This is your world. This is literally your universe. When you have the feeling like you want to play God and be the center of the universe you really this whole universe, everything is what you've created. If you see a world where there's no more men or women out there that are right for you where every person you're looking to be with is really just a jerk I underneath whatever things you believe this is your universe. In other words, what you see is all there is. I see a world today filled with beautiful people. I see a world today filled with people toe love and looking for love. And I see a world filled with great partners and this gives me great peace. I don't have to get afraid, then off. What happens if I dire? My wife dies now or soon. There's a world full of wonderful, loving people. I don't have to grab on, and they have a death grip on my wife and say You never leave me because there's no one else You see, when you look at the world this way, it promotes great piece, and it promotes service. Everything that is this in my marriage is a function of what I've given the happiness, the love, the joy. The trust we have is a function of what I've given. I talked to a friend recently was talking about of the things he doesn't like in his relationship, such as not trusting. And then he describes his behavior, which he describes in is controlling, manipulative. And if you don't have what you want, it's because you're not giving what you want. Everything I receive is a function off what I've given. I give you unconditional love. You give it back to me, I give you conditional love where if you don't go through this whole course and don't give me a good review on it, and don't do everything else, I want you to for the rest of my life. I won't love you. If I give you that, you'll give it back to me. So I'm grateful today the number one thing. What you give is what you get, and there's no exceptions. It doesn't matter what your partners said. It doesn't matter what they did. It doesn't matter about your history. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What you give is what you get. It's that simple. And all these mental complexities seek to obscure that simple fact. If you give your partner, if you give a potential date, if you give a someone hard time on a message, if you are lying and deceit full on a regular basis, you will get that back in return. And that's exactly why I got into so many bad situations dating all the situations I described. You noticed there was a lot of lying and deceit that I received from the people I talked to online and guess what? That's what I was doing. I was playing myself up to be better than I was. I was trying to talk all these great things I was lying in deceiving so no surprise. I got lying into seat back. I was trying to date a whole bunch of girls at once. No surprise. I got lots of girls who weren't interested. And I got lots of girls who didn't weren't very happy with my idea off dating when I gave. And this is a programming term. Garbage in, garbage out. Now this is one of the most frustrating things to process which wife spent three or four minutes on it. If you're used to living in a world where you blame everyone else for what they dio hearing , this may make you really mad. But at the same time, it's really empowering. As soon as I realized that I really am the god of my own world when it comes to how I'm perceiving things, if I want to see things a different way than I need to simply get toe work on seeing things a different way, the same thing that my wife says could be taken as proof she loves me or proof she hates me . It's up to me how I process things. So I'm grateful that that is one thing that has helped me have a happy marriage is what helped me stop giving. I learned it with my wife that what I give is what I get in. Therefore, if I don't want crap, I don't give a crap and it's amazing. Then the number to tip the number to tip I learned the hard way is that sometimes there's a lot of uncertainty. I was just uncertain about what the second tip was because I didn't write these down and in dating there. So much uncertainty, even in relationships. There's so much uncertainty, lots of times, and it's supposed to be uncomfortable if it's uncomfortable. In a sense, that's good, because you love the person you care about them or you might love or care about them. Enoughto let it be uncomfortable so lots of dating is uncomfortable. And trying to force certainty in dating and relationships often brings a lot more discomfort. For example, I likes to have certainty that I like to have a label on a relationship and that produced a lot of discomfort because given I like toe have a label, then I wasn't comfortable doing the whole dating phase, and when I wasn't comfortable with that, that was what I was giving, and that's what I received back. It seemed to no matter what the situation, my discomfort and my demand toe have certainty all the time. It brought a lot of discomfort. So Number two is to be comfortable with a little bit or a lot of uncertainty. You text a person, they don't call you back for a day or two to be comfortable with that. Now, I'm not saying you should just completely dedicate and give yourself to a person doesn't pay attention to you, but to be comfortable with a little uncertainty to give space when a person text you and you're going back and forth rather in a relationship or not, you did not demand, you know, have you been in that spot before? We have sent a text and they haven't responded. You've said another one and another one and another one and another one, and then they were doing something fairly harmless. And meanwhile, you're just blowing up the whole time. Oh my God, what's happened? One day my wife got in a traffic Jim, and it was uncomfortable because she was an hour late coming home and I didn't know that and I mean, I was literally crying with the pain of it, wondering what had happened to her and hoping they were OK because I I looked on the map and saw that there was a bad accident on the way home, which my wife was stuck in traffic gun. And at the same time, I didn't blow her up about it and bother her with all bunch of messages while she was driving. I trusted her that if she needed to let me know something she would and I simply now I'm a comfortable with a little bit of discomfort, and that makes a huge difference in dating. It makes a huge difference in relationships because the more you give people space to just be who they are, the more the more you get unconditional love from them, the more you try and wrap your arms around someone and demand, they do what you want, the more pain and suffering you get in return. So Number two is to practice being a comfortable with uncertainty. It is a huge opportunity and dating and relationships that I missed out on that I learned the hard way. I was so uncomfortable I got a lot of pain on that and I don't even know number three. You see, I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm about to say for the third tip, How can you go and teach? Of course, you know, I just do. I do it out of faith. I do it out of trust, and to me, the foundation of a healthy relationship, a healthy partnership is faith and trust. Now there's lots of ways to work out the details of it. I'm not saying that you should do your sex life or how you raise your Children or your jobs , that you have to do anything in a certain way to promote faith and trust. What I am saying is that the principles of faith and trust are essential at all times. Not only does it make things so much easier, but to me, all partnerships. Rather, it's a romantic one. Ah, family, one of friendship. One. All of relationships are founded on trust and faith, and the key to that is to be trust worthy. You see, when you're not being trustworthy, there's all this other crap that comes up and they'll be the tendency to manipulate to control toe. Want to know every move and detail of what the other person's doing. But if you are trustworthy, you don't need to do that. And not only that, but then this helps out a lot with you. Give what you get, you get what you give in that circle, and it ups out with number two. I have absolute trust with my wife raising our daughter. So that means I don't have to worry about what's going on when I'm not around. I trust her judgment no matter what, as if I was there. My wife trusts me with my business. She doesn't come in here and audit me or asked me a bunch of questions and try and condemn what I'm doing. If she doesn't like it, she has trust us. Faith and my wife is Show me what trust and faith look like because I had a bit of a hard time with that. I didn't understand what it took to be a trust in person of faith, So even with this class, I put this out. I don't know if anyone's going to watch it, I trust since you're here with me, that you are watching it. I created this class out of trust and faith that you needed it. And based on the own passion in my heart, based on my own life experience. So applying trust and faith relentlessly in every single situation. These produced absolute miracles in relationships. Even if you think your relationships on the edge going overboard, you just about done. Applying these tips in the middle of a relationship is likely to produce a complete reversal, either to the point where you love fall in full love again, or you're able to separate in love to say, You know what, I'm I'm grateful for the time we've had together, and I'm grateful for the chance to move on. So I think when you apply these three tips as I try and apply them in my life every single day, then what's possible is a beautiful, happy, consistent Lee amazing relationship 3. 1 simple way to attract: thank you very much for continuing this class with me. I've made this class over a series of years. So it's February 15th and after Valentine's Day 2017 I've went through and remade the beginning off this class, and then after this, I will be turning you over to some of the original lectures I made so before this is I look back at what I've made before, and I continue to keep the class updated based on your feedback. So if you'll ask questions in the class, if you have something you want me to speak to our love to see your feedback and that make a specific video just for you. So one thing I've realized that was one of the most challenging things for me was attraction. See, when you are attractive, you attract what you want. And this, to me, is the biggest frustration I see with people in dating is almost this blindness to an honest look at themselves or that honest look at themselves not matching what they want to attract. So and I experienced this a lot in my life, I wanted to be with a beautiful, healthy, loving woman and That was difficult when I was a fat, sick man. You see the port when you you attract what you are, you attract what you need. So a really simple way to and this applies whether you're single or in a relationship wherever your ad. Because if you're in a relationship, you want to be the very most attractive version of yourself. And I thought this so many times in my relationship, my wife deserves the best looks I've had to offer for anyone. My wife deserves this body to be as healthy as it's ever been before. My wife deserves the very best, and that's a simple way to attract is to realize that your health, your vitality, is absolutely essential for successful attraction, and there's no shame in it. I'm was fat and sick and addicted for most of my adult life. I'm grateful I still found a wonderful woman toe Love me and help motivate me to become more like her, too will become, ah, healthy weight, too. Become a person with a balanced life to become a person where health is a top value instead of fun or entertainment. So if you want to date but you've been having a lot of trouble. I know there's a lot of people who are overweight. You have health problems. One simple way to fix that is to change your diet, change what you eat and you will change your entire body chemistry. Now you might be confused. You might think things are so difficult. Jury. I can't just lose weight. I've tried diets. I've been through all those things to I weighed 30 to £50 more than a healthy weight than the top of the healthy weight. So I've been either in the fat or obese, and I've been close to morbidly obese years of my adult life, and there's a really simple way to fix it. Eat a whole plant. Food based diet. Really simple way to fix it, Jerry. What do you mean by that? I mean a fruits and vegetables, half of what you eat. Raw fruits and vegetables, half of what you eat and then the the rest. Beans, nuts and whole grains. That's what you eat. You mean no more steak, no more dairy and no mice. Yes, cut all that other stuff out. This is one of the most valuable things I've ever done for my health. And if you want to attract someone that you think is really attractive, it takes being attractive. Being overweight and unhealthy is one of the biggest barriers to dating, and it's something you can fix. No matter where your admiral care. If you're 60 years old and you've got a gut and you've got all kinds of health problems, you can fix your health problems with help. Now you're not going to be able to will probably live somewhere on your own and change when I do. I go to a support group every day. I read books every day. I work to stay healthy and look at and learn from people who are both healthy and unhealthy . Every day I ate meat, I ate dairy products. I ate all kinds of sweets and fats and oils and sugars and salts. I eat a ton of things that were bad for me for most of my adult life, and I got the results of being fat and unhealthy out of it. In fact, I hated other people who were fat because they were just like me. And now I love everyone. I want you to know that you're not stuck with your body. Your body is the main tool you want tohave for dating. If your body is something you're ashamed of and you're annoyed at, you hate, it's going to be extremely difficult. Rather, even in a relationship or not, it's gonna be extremely difficult tohave a great life with your partner. My dad. Just while three years ago my dad died and he ah, lot of it was related to his diet and his behaviors, and he ended up leaving Mom, as his dad did, and his dad did. The men in my family have a habit of dying way before their wives dio. So even if you are able to track someone, you're liable the die way before them. If you're the less healthy of the two now, sure, that's not always in every situation. What I'm saying is, I work. My health is my number one priority today, and my wife helped motivate me. I realized that if I didn't start eating better, if I didn't start exercising more, if I didn't start making my health a number one priority, just like dad, just like his dad, just like his Dad, I was going to die. 5 10 15 2030 50 maybe 100 years before my wife. And that just like all the men that I was so mad. The dad had left Mom all alone. That grandpa left grandma alone. That great Grandpa died drunk driving and left Grandpa the step dad that beat the hell out of him. I was really mad about all that as having been all the way down the generations, and I realized that I have an opportunity to do toe, learn from those examples, toe, look and say, What can I do today to be the very healthiest person possible? How can I take care of this body so well that it can function and work for 50 or 100 years at a similar level? It does today so that my wife doesn't have to expect and just plan for as many women do, that her husband will die way before her. And she'll be on her own for last 20 years of her life. Now. Sure, I can't control the whole universe. But the food I put in my mouth, I better be able to control that. So one of the toughest things to give Anyone helping advice with usually is diet, because how I eat, how I live, who I am. I have hamburgers, Juries, the kind of person as hamburgers. Up until eight months ago, I was criticizing people who ate the way less restrictive than I eat now. So I'm grateful if you want a simple way to attract, become a more attractive person and you will attract more. So my daughter is ready to hang out with me today and I will let you go on that note. Thank you very much for starting this class with me. I hope you enjoy the videos I made which you'll see. I was £50 heavier two years ago, so thank you for watching. 4. Dating is like gambling where you mostly lose and you can win big.: dating is like gambling. If you want to win big, you've got to be willing to bet something. And that something is in the form of your heart, your time, your trust and it's more like playing the lottery. A lot of times you're going to have a lot of losses on the way to winning Big. And the losses that hurt the most surprisingly, are not the ones where you just don't have any of the numbers. If you look at it in Powerball terms, the ones where you don't have any of the six numbers are like, OK, whatever. I just totally mess that up The ones that really hurt Or were you almost one where you almost got it right and the ones that hurt the most surprisingly or were you got five out of six numbers? I say this because gambling is more easy to understand for a gambler, but it's a little hard to get mentally for the rational, reasonable person. And I tend to think most people are fairly rational most of the time, and I feel like I'm talking to you in a fairly rational state of mind. So here's the thing with gambling and the difference between gamblers and non gamblers. So if gamblers a near miss is exciting and that perhaps saved me with dating every time I almost got there, I would get so excited like, Oh, I almost one, even if everything went totally wrong. So there's a difference I found in studies between gamblers, brains and non gamblers brains. So let's think of it on a slot machine if you come up and your regular person and you're not a gambler and two Cherries come up on a slot machine. But then the 3rd 1 misses you don't win anything. A normal person looks at that and says, Oh, that's a loss. There's no excitement. It's just that's a loss. But for gambler, for people who like gambling and I don't gamble anymore, I had a problem with that. My brain is wired as a gambler. When I see those two Cherries come up, I get so excited, and even if that 3rd 1 doesn't come up, it's a near miss, and it's exciting. The thing is, with dating, if you're rational and normal in that respect, every time it doesn't work out is simply a loss and It's just frustrating, and there's no good out of it every time. So if you can look at it more like a gambler and look at it that every time you got close, that's a sign you can win. That's what's exciting to a gambler is seeing that possibility of being ableto win. Getting those four numbers right and winning a little bit on the lottery might seem pretty unsatisfying. If you look at well, I didn't win the big picture, but if you look at it, I could win. This is a sign I could win then there's a lot of hope and excitement around that. So I'm sharing this with you because I want to inspire you that dating is supposed to be more like gambling. It's filled with losses all the time. It's consistently filled with losses, but you're playing for a really big when ending up with my wife has been the biggest win of my life and I lost more than I've ever lost it. Anything in order to get there, I can't tell you how many times I had things go wrong and wrong at every stage wrong, trying to even get to know a girl wrong trying to get her phone number wrong. Making the first call wrong, making a second Colin, scheduling a date wrong on the first date. Wrong, following up after the first date. Wrong following up before the second date. Wrong on the second day, I mean every way you could do it. I swear it went wrong that way, but it's like gambling. All those near misses. I they hurt, but I kept getting excited like Okay, I can win. But one of my wife's friends is dating, and she just had a near miss. And she doesn't feel that excitement with it because she's not a gambler. She doesn't feel the excitement like, Oh, this is cool that there might be another guy out there that it could work out with. She just kind of disappointed like again, of course, and she sees only lost with it. So my wife shared my gambling analogy with her, and that seemed to help her. So I'm putting it. In my course, dating is like gambling. If you wanna win big, you've gotta play a lot. You've got to just keep betting over and over again. And just like gambling you don't want to go all in before you've seen the cards. You want to try and put a little bit Maurin steadily if you throw all of your chips all in And of course I've done this before. If you throw all your chips all in before you've seen the cards, you're setting up to get a big loss. And I had several periods of my life where I tried to just throw all the chips in all the time. All right? I want to just get there. I want to just get straight there to where were married and we have a family and life is great. Let me just throw my chips and with me went out Yet. How many times have you seen other people do that? And you look at them like, man, you're crazy. It's one thing till get someone else and do that. But to see yourself doing that is the real miracle. And what has proven to work The best for me is to do slow and steady investment. So, like with my wife, I was excited on our first date, and my excitement continued to grow a little bit at each step, and now it's grown into something amazing with other girls. I often made the mistake of trying throw all my chips into early and you know what? They folded. They frequently fold in, got out and said, Nope, I can't handle all that, and that's a reasonable response. I understand you don't want to throw all your chips in all at once. You do want to keep playing. You want to be playing all the time. You want to be trying all the time. If you're single, it shouldn't be stressful. In other words, you don't have to find someone right away. But you do want to be trying all the time. You never know. All it takes is one moment with one person to be right and you're started on the path to having a happy relationship that lasts indefinitely, and it's a beautiful thing. It's worth playing the game for all the time. I am grateful. The one thing that worked out really good for me. I was always single except for a couple of years, most of my adult life. I was single when the time was right, so that means when I met a girl I was at least single and available and with my wife. Then it finally worked out. Most of the girls I met were not single on available, but if you want it to work out, it's just like gambling. You want to just keep playing. If you want to hit the jackpot on the slot machine, you're going to have to pull the lever. A whole lot of times you're going up. Just keep doing it over and over and over again. And the only way you can keep going lots of times is to get excited when it almost happens when it almost happens. So I hope this has been helpful. I hope seeing dating Mawr like gambling makes it easier to see how the game works in that it's okay to lose all the time, as long as you know you're taking a shot at winning the jackpot every time 5. Understand you are working for the single most important part of your life.: when you want to date understanding what you are working for is the key to having success. What you're working for is the single biggest factor that's likely to matter in your life. In terms of happiness, being a part of a fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever done in my life. And it was the most challenging to get set up and to continue to be a part off. That's where the miracle is. All kinds of amazing things have happened in my life since I found my wife. It took me a long time to get there, and that's okay. I suffered the most because I always thought it had to be. Now I wanted instant gratification, and every time a date didn't work out, I was all frustrated. I knew the whole time what I was working for. I knew since I was a little kid somehow that having a wife that worked well with me would be an incredible part of my life. I remember as early as first or second grade laying in bed at night, wondering what my wife was doing, so I at least understood the potential value I had out of successfully dating. If you are struggling to get motivated about dating, think of the value it offers, not just for you. But think of the value u offer another person. Think of how much someone else could benefit from having you in their life. You might make a huge difference into saving someone else's life and being a great part of their life. And that's where the miracle comes in in breaking down the separation between you and the rest of the world. Marriage is an outstanding place to do that. It's been the key to meet breaking down my selfish, self centred nature and being a part of the world. And through my wife, I have grown Mawr and Mawr feeling a part of the world, and it's a miracle. So the stakes are really high for dating, but the same time there's no pressure except what you apply to yourself to get it right immediately, you can get it right in a year from now. You can get it right 10 years from now. As long as you're working today towards that, it's worth it, even if that means just doing self improvement making yourself the most datable the most were the person to be with. That's a good thing to be doing today, and it helps to have some patients today. You're not likely to find her. Meet the person of your dreams today, but what you can do is understand the huge value that both someone else out there might have for you and that you might have for them and figure out OK, what can I do to build on that? A little bit of a time today. If you know the value of what you're working for, it encourages motivation to do something today. I know my marriage is a single biggest part of my life today, and I'm willing to spend ah, great majority of my day investing in that marriage. And that means doing lots of little things every single day. So the value of having a happy relationship rather it's a marriage or partnership. The value is huge. There's not one other thing in my life that's had comparable value to that, and it can be frustrating if you've never had it before to be willing to work so hard for something you don't know if it's even possible, and the best thing I can say about my marriages. I had faith. I had hope. I believed it was possible. But until I experienced especially getting to know my wife and continuing our relationship together until I experienced it for myself, absolutely nothing else even came close. It's a beautiful thing to getting writing. It's worth working hard for, and you can minimize your suffering by understanding that you're working for something that's invaluable, and it's worth going through a little bit of pain today. It's worth not taking the easy ways out. It's worth not having a bad attitude about it's worth going through a lot of failures to get get to that success. Think of it like business, except the difference is you're going for $1,000,000,000 in a marriage. The problem is, you're not likely to see even a dollar of it until you meet the right person, and as soon as you meet the right person, it's worth it. And the in terms of money, the value of that relationship just flows in and you'll be over a $1,000,000,000. Before you knew what happened in terms of the value in your life. In fact, I would guarantee you a $1,000,000,000 would not make you hardly at all happier. But meeting the right person will. It's incredible. And if you keep in mind the value of it, if you think back, especially to when you were a kid and had these idealistic visions of marriage and having a great relationship before anything from life happened and got in the way before, your mom and dad might have gotten divorced or before you saw some horrible things happen, or before you got even divorced yourself or before your experience is colored your idea of what was possible. If you can remember the original idea you had because the original idea you had that bliss , that peaceful thought of being with the right person. That is where you can go, especially when you use the principals in this course toe work on meeting the right person . It's incredibly valuable. So know that this is a high stakes game with the big reward that you on Lee have to lose a little bit at every day in order to work towards getting it right. It's worth it. All of the pain and suffering I went there was worth it. There's nothing I've done in my life that has been a part of more pain and suffering than dating and relationships, and even getting to know my wife was quite challenging. But it's continually gotten easier to the point now where it's a daily, healthy, miraculously part of my life. That's what you are working for. That's what you can have. An all you have to do is do your best today, toe work a little bit towards that, be patient and always be aware of that same fact that there's a huge value you're going after and it's supposed to be challenging. 6. Get honest about your bad habits.: rather your in a relationship now or you're single and not looking to be in one any time soon or you're single and trying to be in one. Getting honest with yourself about your bad habits is really helpful for understanding what areas you can improve in. I know for me I had a big breakthrough with my wife went after just a few months. I was honest enough to admit to her, Hey, I drink too much and I play too many video games and I'm willing to work on both of those to be the best person I can with you. That was a big breakthrough for me. I had not been willing to do that in my previous relationships I had consistently on. Lee wanted to say I'm perfect just how I am. I've got no problems and what are you going to do about it? So that attitude that I was just fine just the way I was, and I was not humble enough to say OK, I've got a few problems. I'm willing to look at them and do something about it, So getting a humble about who you are is very helpful. Whether you're single or in a relationship or no matter where you're at, Because if you can get humble on your own and take a look honestly at what problems you have, then you can be a much better person to date. And if you're so entrenched in your problems, it can be hard to work through dating like that. There were periods of my life I drank so much. It was hard for me to date anyone because I won't make bad decisions, dating and drinking all the time. And then they would always get in the way of each other's dating would get in the way of my drinking, and then I do something to get the dating out of the way my drinking would get in the way of my dating. So then I try and do something with dating to get the drinking of the way. I promised to make a date with a girl so I wouldn't get drunk. I know when my wife and I were first dating, I was very tiptoeing around with my drinking and dating, trying to keep them separate. And of course, when we moved in together than there, I only made it a few months before the date of drinking came together. Full speed. So if you can get honest about your problems earlier with yourself and start figuring out what to do about them, then you can look to end up being with the person who might be in a later stage of working with their problems, too. If you don't even know what any of your issues are and you're not willing to do anything about him, do you want to date someone like that? So that's the cool thing. If you can now start taking a look and take an inventory of yourself and start figuring out who you are and what your issues are and what you can do better about and what opportunities you have to improve. Then you can look to date someone who's in a similar place themselves. So take this opportunity right now to figure out who you are. Get to know yourself, and then you can look to be with someone in a similar place to where you are now. 7. Love yourself and you will be lovable.: If you want to be lovable, you've got to love yourself. You can't love someone else more than you love yourself, and you might think you can. But the truth is that I've found I cannot love someone else more than I love myself. If I want to love someone else and be a good husband, I have to love myself. So, for example, here's a concrete way of putting that. So I often get my wife flowers. I try and keep her a fresh set of flowers around all the time because she likes them and it makes me feel good about myself. I do it out of love for myself. I get her flowers because it makes me feel good about myself. She likes them, but the biggest impact is I feel like I'm a good husband, and that helps me feel good about myself. Everything ends up coming back around to me. If you want to be a great lover, you've got to be able to love yourself because no matter how much you want to do or think you can do or think you can offer for someone, you can't be them in their head. 24 7 You can't be living in running their entire life for them. Ultimately, the only one you can really control and do anything about is you. The only one I can do anything about in control is me. So if I want to be a great lover, I have to be able to love myself. And the biggest thing my wife helped me with was loving myself. I was not very good at loving myself before I met my wife and my wife helped me develop the ability, the inspiration, the motivation to love myself. And then I'm a much better husband when I love myself. If I'm going around telling myself I'm a horrible person, if I'm going around saying horrible things about myself in my head, guess what's going to come out of my mouth. Horrible things mean things. That's what's going to happen. It may not come out nearly as often. If I say 100 mean things to myself in my head, maybe one will come out of my mouth. If you want to be a great lover, you've got to love yourself and you absolutely cannot love another person more than you can love yourself. You might be able to outwardly treat them better than you inwardly treat yourself. But you ultimately cannot do better for another person than you can do for yourself. The reason is all of those little details when you are telling yourself in your head. God, I'm such a jerk, man. I don't deserve this. I'm an awful person and you may not say it just like that, You might say, Man, I'm always late. I never get good grades on a test, man. I'm ugly. I'm dirty. I'm filthy, Emma cheat. I'm a liar. That's how you might say, There's a ton of other ways you might say it. I'm not confident, my appearance. I don't want anyone to see me. I remember in college ago who ran in the dark because she didn't want anyone to see her running in a daytime. She was willing to take the risk of having bad things happen, running at night by herself because she didn't think people would see her during the day. And they would like what they saw. That is not loving yourself. That's hating yourself. If you hate yourself, you will treat the people in your life with hate in all of the little details. I know I've done it a lot. I had a girlfriend in college during a period when I was particularly good at heating myself and she got all kinds of those little actions. I was not big into buying her flowers because I figured she hasn't really need any flowers . I haven't anything wrong when I was doing things wrong all the time, and I was not maximizing the good I could do. I was terrible in a relationship before. I learned to love myself better, loving myself. Treating myself good makes it easy to treat other people good. If you find someone who's treating you bad, they're almost always treating themselves worse. Someone doesn't go around and call you a bunch of names and put you down and try and make you feel bad without living with that all day, every day. You don't see people who are happy inside like I'm happy inside. I don't go around treating people bad now because I'm happy inside. I can accept what other people do. I don't have to take my emotions out on them because I'm happy. I love myself. I'm tolerant of myself, I might screw up. I'm probably will screw up, probably even making this video. That's okay. I'll do it again if I have to. I'll edit it if I have to. I will beg your forgiveness when it's not perfect. I'm OK with myself now, and this is the first time in my life I've been OK with myself, and it's a miracle. I found a wife who was able to love me even when I could barely love myself. And she suffered a lot because I ultimately didn't love myself. One of the problems I've had is with excessive habits like drinking, gambling, video games, and I would go into those habits all the time out of not loving myself. Oh, I've been bad. I should just get drunk. I'll have some fun, but then I'll really suffer afterwards. No, I didn't think of it like that, consciously, but let's look at something if you're treating yourself bad. If you're doing things that hurt yourself, how do you really feel about yourself? I probably had an average of 50 to 100 hangovers a year for the last 10 years except 2014. I stopped drinking in April. I've had enough. If I love myself, I don't do that. If I love myself, why would I want to do something that would make me sick? Think about it with food. If some food was expired and I had other food in the house, I certainly wouldn't go eat the food that was expired on purpose. If I love myself, I think you know what, I'll throw that out. But if I was sitting there thinking, you're I'm a bad person If I had a bunch of negative thoughts about myself, then I might think, Oh, you eat that food, You bought that food. You bought that food and you're gonna eat it. That's hating yourself. That is not treating yourself with love. And when you don't love yourself, it's hard for other people to love you. Now you might get lucky and find someone who loves themselves and is willing to love you while you figure out how to love yourself. But ultimately, if you want to be happy, if you want to be a great lover, you've got to love your self. You're with yourself 24 7 every day for your whole life. There's no one more important that you love than you. And no one outside of you can fix you. My wife certainly inspired me to want to do better. But ultimately I am the one who's got to do better every single day. I am the one who has to love and take care of myself every day mentally, regardless of whatever is done outside of me, I mentally have to take care of and love myself every single day. So if you expect someone else to be a great lover, if you expect someone else to love you, what you get will be in proportion How much you love yourself. If you can love yourself if you can stop all those negative thoughts and I don't mean stop them with more. So, for example, if you think I'm always late, you don't stop that by then being like Oh, here's such a hateful person yourself. You let that thought be I'm always late, okay? You don't take it seriously. Okay, fine. You just dismiss it. The same as you would take a comment from someone else that you didn't believe if I tried to tell you right now you are and awful person. You would probably just be like No, I'm not. That's fine. You're welcome to think that now, if you got mad at that, if I got you mad by saying that only way I can do that is because you believe it. If I tell you you're an awful person, you get mad. No, I'm not. It's because you agree with May. Deep down, you agree with me. If someone comes up to me now and says I'm an awful person, I'm like, OK, okay. I I don't react to him. Okay, if someone tells me, You know, jury, you've been cussing too much lately, okay? And I think you're probably right, and I have. But when you told me I was cussing too much before, I'd cuts right back at you. F you If you want to be a great lover, you've got to love yourself. And so, starting with loving yourself, we'll give you the best opportunity to do everything else when it comes to love, dating and relationships, right? Because love starts with self love loving yourself. And then the more you love yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone else. That loves themselves. At the peak of me hating myself, I was attracted to a girl who hated herself. You can imagine how that went not good, the more I love myself. I was attracted to my wife and she loves herself. And we have a wonderful relationship because both of us love ourselves. That's what it's all about. So if you can love yourself, then you can love someone else. Thank you for enjoying this with me, and I hope it's been helpful and inspirational. 8. You get what you give.: for dating, love and relationships. Understanding that you get what you give is crucial for success. The reason is crucial is because everything you give out comes back to you. And this was something I didn't get at all do most of my dating. So, for example, if I was mean to a girl, I would end up getting mean back. If I was rooting, didn't call a girl back and things like that, I would get that back, and it might not be immediately, but it would always happen at some point. So if I would have started out with the notion that I get what I give, it might have been a lot easier. So here's the thing that makes it simple. There's all these specific questions about what do I do if this happens, what I would do if that happens, what do I do? If she doesn't text me back after a day, what do I do? If he calls and asked for a date, wants me to go out with his friends, all these specific questions can be answered very simply with one several thing. You get what you give, give people what you want to get back. It's that simple. If you want someone to treat unites, treat you with respect, text you or call you after a date, treat you like a person who's deserving of love. Then that's what you have to give out before you even try and go out with anyone again. Or the next time you're in a situation where you're trying to be a better person and relationship, get in your mind that you get what you give if you call names and are nasty and are rude and heartless and thoughtless. That's what you're going to get back. And the funny part is seeing both sides of that Soto watch one person treat another person bad and then feel victimized when they get treated bad back. That was me. That was a whole lot of me. That was my M o. I'd treat you bad. I would be heartless with girls thoughtless and then I'd feel like such the victim. When I got that back, I'd be rude. I'd be pushy. I'd be overbearing. I'd be thoughtless and then I was such a victim when that happened to me all. I don't deserve to be treated like this without ever putting in a thought as to how I treated someone else. I would be sitting there. Oh, why's this girl not texting me back? And then I would have went out with the girl the week before and I never texted her back. I get what I give, and that's been the miracle with my wife, as I've at some point, I understood. If I want to have a happy marriage, I have to treat my wife how I want her to treat me. So if she's having a bad day, I have to love her and not make it worse, because when I'm having a bad day, that's what I want. When she's struggling with something, I don't neg and get on her case and try and feel all upset that I can't help for that. I accept that she's going after work that out, and if she wants to talk to me about it, I'll make myself available. But I don't want to try and force something out of her when she's working to deal with it herself. I do nice things for my wife. I get her flowers consistently. I and thoughtful, try and be thoughtful all day From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. I asked her if she wants a little drink of water in the morning or at night before bed. I try and always be thoughtful off her. And that's what I get back from her. Is her being thoughtful of me and it makes things so nice. When I dated before my wife, I was generally so thoughtless it was hard to imagine. And then I was always the victim. Oh, look what happened? A poor little me. Why do I get treated like this? The girl I went out with before my wife, I was not thoughtful and understanding with her at all. And that's what she gave back to me. She canceled a date at the last minute, and I just said, OK, I didn't say anything else back. I didn't even called, asked why I didn't do anything at all. And then I felt all upset that she'd cancelled it. Really? I didn't even take the time to find out, wire, toe, ask Mawr. And maybe I did the right thing. Maybe I didn't. But the fact was, I consistently did not give what I wanted to get. I would put too many expectations on people. I'd go out with a girl and have all these expectations for what she should be like and who she should represent and what she should like and how she should look. And you know what? When I was placing those expectations on her, she was doing that with me. And when I'd be disappointed with her, she'd be disappointed with me. And often that was a good thing. In terms of we would just repel each other. We wouldn't go out again. But I suffered a lot because I always gave out what I didn't want to get back. So, for example, you're not going to like a lot of the people you go out with, and that's okay. But it's at least polite toe. Let them honestly know that. And people often don't do that because it's hard. No, I don't want to be rude. How many times have you which someone would have just told you? Look, I'm not feeling this, and that's not anything to do with you. I'm just not feeling it. And I don't want to waste your time because I don't want to waste my time. I'm grateful for every time I did that. That was one of the things I did. Well, I wanted girls to tell me when they didn't have an interest in me so I could move on and try out with another girl. And I got that back. Girls would tell me, Look, I is I just don't want to go out with you again. And whenever I didn't take that very well, it always would come back to me. Then I would tell a girl the next week that I didn't want to go out her again and she be all upset about it. Well, that's funny, cause the week before, a girl told me she didn't want to go out me again, and I was all upset about it. It's so simple. Give what you want to get, be loving and understanding of other people. If you want other people to be loving and understanding with you, you've got to give that back. And here's the thing. When you give out good when you do good with other people, when you treat other people good, you feel good about yourself. it goes right back to what I said about loving yourself. And that doesn't mean you just need to be a pushover and go out with anyone and just say, Oh, I I had a great time all the time and lie. No, you be honest. If you see someone and you're disappointed right away. Well, look, I'm sorry, but I don't think this is going to work. I'm going to go. I don't want to waste any of your time and has nothing to do with you. I'm I'm sorry. It's just not going to work for me. And if they ask why, we be honest, I'm sorry. I'm not attracted to you, and it's nothing against you. I just I'm not attracted to you. And there's nothing I can do about that. I'm sorry. I don't want to waste your time. And I'm sure someone else will be attracted to you. And if you're not attracted to me, I'm sorry. That's honest. And Oh, my God. All that so uncomfortable. Oh, I can't do that. That's the right thing to do. The right thing to do is be honest with people. If someone is not attractive when you meet them. Why even go another second if you see them and you immediately repulsed, That's one of the biggest mistakes I've made is going out. The girl I saw, I was not immediately attracted. I meals like I got punched in the stomach like though I had talked to if they're a bunch online before and it was like a punch in the stomach when I saw her. I mean, we're not talking about a little bit. I meals like a punch in the stomach. And I just kept going anywhere. I didn't have the heart to tell her. I'm sorry. This isn't going to work. I'm not attracted to you. Oops. I made a mistake. I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake and I did not give what I wanted to get. If I would have just told her that, then I could have went out with another girl the next week instead of wasting three months of both of our time, her times, just his valuables mine. And if I wasn't attracted to her, she probably wasn't that attracted to me, either. It's almost always mutual in one way or another. That's the thing you have to give what you want to get. An honesty hurts sometimes, but it's much better than all the other things. So, for example, if a guy or girls blown up your phone you went out with and you don't want to go out with them again, just send them attacked. I don't want to go out with you again. I'm sorry that I feel that way. It has nothing to do with you. I just don't want to go out with you again, and that's all I know. And I'm sure there's someone else out there for you, and it may sound hollow to them or whatever. But if it's honest and you know it's honest, you know, it's honest, you know, that's how you feel, then share it. I am grateful for every girl who told me no early mike eyes. The worst thing I look at that I did to someone has said yes when I should have said no because then we had long drawn out relationships and I say long, three months, a year and 1/2 both of us wasted our time. We could have been dating other people. Sure, we learned things, but if you want to be happy, if you want to have a successful dating and relationship, you've got to be honest. You've got to be honest because the consequences are so high. So, for example, if you're not willing to tell someone, you know, maybe I don't want to go out with you. I'm not attracted to you. How much pain and suffering are you willing to put up with because you won't do that? Are you willing to keep having them tech over and over and over again? Are you willing to keep stringing them along? Are you willing to keep feeling like a bad person because you won't do what the right thing is? Are you willing to go for weeks or months, sometimes stringing someone along when you know the truth is you're not attracted to them? Are you willing to do all that instead of taking a moment to tell the truth? I know lots of times I did things like that and it cost me and it hurt, and I'm grateful I had the chance to do it right, and it's okay to make some mistakes. It's OK, but it's better to make mistakes quickly and make up for them. If you did online dating and walk up and see someone in person and you're not attracted, then please say no. Police say no right there and then so that they can go do whatever they need to do, and you can go on with your life. So that's another thing I'm going to talk about is maximizing your own attractiveness, because if you're not attractive to people, it's more than likely a reflection of how you feel on the inside. So this whole course about getting yourself right on the inside and then using these practical things, I've learned to interact with people on outside. So if you want to be happy, you've got Teoh. Give what you want to get, and that's important to know before you do anything else with trying to date. I'm grateful for the time you spent here with me, and I hope this has been helpful 9. Start building a successful system for maintaining a healthy weight.: if you have a healthy system for living, so healthy system for living is something you do every day, every day. So, for example, I'll give you mine every day. I get up in the morning around the same time. 5 30 if my wife has to go to work 6 30 If not, I get up around that same time. So my body knows exactly when I'm supposed to get up. Therefore, my body knows also when I'm supposed to go to sleep. So making a good bedtime that's consistent. That matches with your time getting up. So I go to bed around 9 30 If I'm getting up at 5 30 I go to bed around 10 30 from getting up at 6 30 A system for sleep. It's one of those essential things. Sleep is so important for mood. So part of making a great, healthy person, that is you is building a system of things you do every day that work for you to stay healthy. So again I'm going through mine. So sleep. I've got a system for sleep. I go to better on the same time to get up at the same time every night I go to bed and I have no trouble falling asleep because my body knows it's supposed to go to sleep between 10 and 11 after I've gotten bed at 9 30 to 10 30. So my body knows what to do. So it does. It is predictable. It likes that when I get up assumes I hear that alarm. I just immediately get out of bed. No questions, No. While while this I get up out of bed and I say there's no reason I can't get up out of bed to go sit on the couch. So I go sit on the couch. I pray I meditate. I have a little something to energize me, something like fruit juice, a banana or even just a bottle of water. So I have a system for eating. Also, I eat something as soon as I get up every single day, even if it's just small. A little bit of something like my body. No, we're awake. We should start revving everything up to be awake. I spend about an hour on the couch, just thinking, meditating, praying. I have a book I read a little bit of every morning I pet the dogs in the morning. Sometimes I look at my phone, so I have a system. For the first hour. I'm awake also. I don't have to do anything and that if you have to get up early, set your time to get up earlier than that. Then every morning I eat something substantial. After that, our I have a breakfast burrito, even if it's just 300 calories or have a sandwich from or calories. If I want to go longer without eating again, then I come in here and make these videos and do work. And then after that, if it's a weekend, I will do something with my wife. If it's a weekday, I will continue doing more work. Getting my course is done. Then I go to the gym or do some kind of exercise. And then I have a support group I go to locally and then I have time to play video games. Call my mom, my brother, other friends, and then I will watch something with my wife and then I go to bed. That's what I do almost every single day. I have a system for living healthy and when you have a system for living healthy. It's a lot easier to deal with everything else in your life, including dating. I didn't have a system like that before, except when I lived with my parents. When I lived with my parents, my dating was incredibly easy because I had a similar system there. I got up around the same time I went to the gym or exercise almost every day. I lunch and dinner at almost the same time every day, and I wasn't up early enough to eat breakfast. And then I played video games at night, and then I went to bed late, and that worked good for my dating. Except here's the thing. I was not willing to integrate the girl I was dating into my life. I did not find a girl I cared about. Enoughto actually modify my schedule for her and again. Good thing to note. If you have a system for living healthy when you meet the right person, you will modify that system to accommodate their schedule. I get up at 5 36 30 respectively, on days off, because my wife has to get up at 5 30 or chooses to get up at 5 30 for work. My wife takes about an hour before work to get herself ready for work in the morning, and she mostly sits and is quiet for most of that time and relaxes. So I've built my system around my wife system. I've built my system around what my wife needs to do. If you don't have someone you're dating and you meet someone, you will be willing to modify your system around them if they're the right person, if you have a healthy system for living and you meet someone and you will not change it for them, for example, I was dating a girl when I lived with my parents. I was not willing to give up my call of duty time at night with my friends to hang out with her. That's was a great thing, because then our relationship quickly ended. I tried a few times and I said, No, I don't want to give up my time with my friends to go to bed early with you. Now here I am. I've given up a lot of time playing with my friends in order to get up early with my wife. So with the right person, you will do the right things. But if you've got a healthy system for living, healthy system for living protects you from getting into things, lots of times. Look at me. I have very little opportunity to screw around with anything in my life. Nearly every day of my life is planned out from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. A healthy system helps so much it takes out all those stupid and I say stupid by trivial decisions. I know when I'm going to eat in the morning. I even know what clothes I'm going to, where I just take clothes out of the closet in a certain order, whatever order I hung them up in. And if I'm not willing to do that, I take those clothes out of the rotation and put them in a Maybe someday I'll give them away or throw them out or get put them back in category. Oh, I have a system for healthy living that works for me, and that system protects me from a lot of things going wrong. And if you're single, having a system for your own healthy living will help you not be attracted and not include the right people in your life. And it will help the right people get through your system if you get up at 9 30 every morning and you start dating someone who gets up at 5 30 If you like them enough, you will get up at 5 30 if you do not like them enough. But you love yourself enough to do your system every day. You will not modify it. The relationship will not work out. It's a beautiful thing. So I've learned this the hard way again. As with everything else, you don't have to make a system that works for you to take care of yourself. Whether you're in a relationship or single, my wife has her own thing. She does. I have a system that works for me to take care of myself, healthy every day. When you've got that dating, relationships, marriage, family, friends, everything gets ridiculously easier, ridiculously easier. So try start setting up your own system for healthy living. Then you'll be best prepared to date. Have a relationship. Be married, be a friend, family member. Whatever successfully 10. Work a little bit each day on how you look.: a big part of dating Success is how attractive you are. You very easily can win the affection of someone else or miss out on it based on how attractive you are. And if you accept that fact, then you can be willing toe work at it a bit, and the only way you can work at it is a little bit each day. You can't do any grand thing that's going to suddenly change your appearance. Miraculously, you can do surgeries, and you can do all kinds of other things like that that seemed to offer to. But ultimately your appearance is a daily thing. You can put on a lot of makeup. You can try and work out at the gym a lot. You can wear nice clothes, but ultimately, if you work at your appearance a little bit every day rather than trying to binge at it, then you can be confident you look right at the right time. I had a good comment that was given to me a few years ago, back when I used to, often not paying the attention. No, my appearance. Most days I had a comment that you don't know when you're going to need to look your best. With online dating, you might be able to more predict while I'm going out with someone today or next week. But the fact is, you don't know exactly when you're going to meet the love of your life. You don't know exactly when it is. So you want to try and at least look decent all the time. And I don't mean you have to fix yourself up crazy or do a whole lot. But doing a little bit every day tends to be powerful. So I try and do a little something with my hear about every day. Just my wife likes it like this, and I like it like this, too. I try and wear some clean clothes every day. I try and work out a little. Every day. I try and pay attention to my diet every day. I try and do a little bit on my appearance every day. That way, I get powerful results in the long term because I'm not going to lose £50 overnight. I'm not going to suddenly find hair that styles itself. I'm not going to do anything with my clothes that will solve that problem for the rest of my life. All I can do is try and look and present a kind of appearance that I want people to see me as which is a simple and at the same time, attractive person. That's what I want to show. And if you accept that appearance is very important for dating, then you are willing to do something about it. When I was younger, I am grateful that most of my life I've been a handsome young man, and I did not like the whole parents thing in dating. I used to wear football jerseys. I never did anything with my hair, and that's why I usually had a buzz cut. I did not like to try and wear nice clothes or dressed nice. I just didn't like that. And I consistently had frustrations dating and I had a girl who was nice enough to explain it to me, she said. Jerry girls don't usually like guys wearing football jerseys, or at least the kind of girls you're trying to date don't tend to like that. You need to do something with your appearance. And after three years of College of having so many dating frustrations. I finally got it. I hadn't had a girlfriend all through college and then senior year. I bought some clothes and started trying to consistently look nicer every day. And all of the sudden I found myself with lots of girls wanting to date me and having my first girlfriend. The paying attention to my daily appearance was one of the bigger things I did in terms off effect that took relatively little time. So you don't have to do anything crazy. Just do what you can do. Try and wear something that makes you look nice. But do a little something with your hair, whether you're a guy or a gal, where some clothes that are right for you, whatever you like in your comfortable in, but also whatever makes you look attractive. What I do is I try and look my best each day, and it's easy enough to say, Well, I'm already married. Who do I need to look attractive for my wife? I want to look attractive for her, and she consistently looks attractive for me every day I've found the love of my life. I want to look good for her. I'm not trying to do a bait and switch with her where I tried on the first few dates, and then I just let it go. Like whatever. I try and look good for her every day. And that's the simple part about it. When you just try and do your best to work on your parents a little bit every day, then you can have confidence in dating that your appearance is right. I know it's very hard if you're overweight, if you have some deformity to be out there and successfully date. But it's also hard if you don't wear decent clothes. You were my brother often wore a lot of dirty skating close and just didn't look very clean , and he had a lot of frustrations with that in his dating. Now his wife has encouraged him to try and dress a little nicer where some new shirts and that helps him. So rather, you have things you're given that you can't do much with like a deformity. You just have to do your best and accept it. Okay, I've got a birthmark here or okay, I've got a lazy eye or whatever it is you just have to accept it and do your best with what you've got. You can't let what you have that you can't control, get in the way of doing things about what you can control. So my brother and I have both been fairly handsome young men for most of our lives, and both of us have not paid very much attention to our appearance. When I started paying attention to my appearance, my dating got a hell of a lot easier, and my wife said that was one of the things that made her want to go out with me and be my girlfriend was that I was attractive. Now imagine if I hadn't been paying much attention to my appearance. I might be miserable somewhere, still being frustrated with the world. So you want to work on your parents a little bit each day so that you are ready when the right person comes along. There are lots of right people out there, and all you have to do is do your best with what you've got. It's like having a car. Your car might not be the best looking car. It might not run that great, but you can do things with your car that will make it look nicer and function better. You can take it to the dealer. You can get a car wash. There's lots of simple things. You can do that in turn, almost any car into a car. That's nice toe. Have a nice to drive. So look your body that way. There are things you can't control about your body. If you are big right now, you're not going to shrink right now. But if you try every day, toe watch and notice what you eat, at least try and exercise. Then someday you may be a bit smaller. I've been much heavier before than I am now, and the only way I've been able to get a little bit lighter is to notice what I eat. So you've got to work with what you have and maximize what you do have. You can never allow what you have to get in the way or to be an excuse for not doing all you can do So. I hope this lecture about appearance has been really honest, and I hope it's been useful in seeing their importance of appearance 11. The benefits of developing spiritually.: dating and relationships are extremely challenging, and they're challenging because of this. Look at the external, someone else in your life that's outside of you, who's outside of your control. And it is a big distraction, and it often ends up being an addiction for most people were there literally addicted and co dependent on the person they're dating. I have experienced a lot of that firsthand where I feel like I have to get my pain and my pleasure from the person I'm dating and so developing spiritually has helped me be a much better husband. I now when I'm in a bad mood, I don't have to take it out on my wife. And when she's in a bad mood, I don't have toe poke and prod her and make it worse. I can quietly accept my bad mood and be here, present in the moment. Think about who I really am. I don't know who I really am, so understand that my spiritual foundation helps me fantastically as a husband. I suffered a lot dating. I like to say dating was the hardest, most frustrating thing I ever did, and now I have a huge amount of spiritually piece, and I look at it that how helpful would that be for dating if you've got a spiritually piece, If you're connected with your spirituality when you start or are trying to date, I feel like that helps a lot for successful dating. I look back and all of my dating was just like an addiction, and I've had plenty of addictions in my life that would get so excited. And I put everything into it like the whole week had toe weight, and I had to just push through this week until I could go out on this date and then the date would be great and I'd be all high on life and everything that I just come crashing down into reality and I'd be so frustrated. It felt, ah, lot like all of my other addictions and one of the reasons my wife spent so good for me is she's had a very good spiritually foundation coming into our relationship that she was raised with and practised throughout her life. She had a huge strength and still has a huge strengthen that and she's been able to deal with me. However I've been and she was able to get through our initial dating phase despite my craziness and her own. Having that spiritual foundation makes it so much easier to connect with the right person and to accept the things that don't go right. For example, I've had an issue recently where I was in my group, and the person who's sponsoring me there ended up getting voted out of that group. And I found I can still love him and appreciate him as a person and loved the group and understand what's right for the group may not be having him in it and that I don't have to hate him or push myself away from him. I can love him, and I can love the group at the same time. So I was looking at how remarkable that would be for dating that you can go out with someone and you can love them as a person and appreciate them and at the same time love and appreciate yourself and see that that person is not right to be with you in a relationship , you can lovingly tell someone no so lovingly tell someone. No, that seems like a beautiful thing to me. where, then there's not all of the negative feelings and all of that hatred and resentment and suffering that went along with all of my dating. All of my dating was so painful all the time for me and or for the girl that was working with me in it. Having a good spiritually foundation is something you conduce you and work on right now that will make dating so much easier when you can lovingly say no and lovingly be patient with the person you've decided to date. It just starts this miracle out. You're not worried about the future and resenting the past all the time you're here in the present. You can truly enjoy time with someone you can enjoy time with someone without trying to hang on to it so tight, never let it slip away. That's a beautiful thing. So spiritually development. If I could talk to myself 10 years ago, that would be one of the biggest points I would make myself is Look, if you don't want to suffer so much from dating, you've got to start learning and discovering your own spirituality. And I often thought things like that were crap when I was younger. I thought, What does God do up there in heaven? I didn't see any of the divine in myself, and that made life always frustrating because everything that happened outside of me was the world. I very rarely looked inside myself for what I was contributing to, that I was such a victim all the time and in relationships. I loved to play both the person who was causing problems and then play the victim, and that comes from not having a good spiritually foundation. I don't need to be the victim or the perpetrator anymore. I'm just Jerry. That's all I am. I'm Jerry. I'm no better than you. I'm no worse than you. I'm just Jerry, and that gives me a lot of foundation and peace in a relationship. I don't know how any girl ever put up with me for more than one date, except they were as crazy as me or they had a good spiritual foundation like my wife, I'm grateful now to have gained a spiritually foundation that gives me peace, regardless of what's going on in the world outside of me, and dating is one of those things that will push your buttons in all the right and wrong ways, the worst time of my life in terms of short term, intense pain. All of them were related to dating. Now I went through, like losing a parent that has been very hard to deal with. But I've also grown so much out of that, too. The dating provided a lot of opportunities for me to grow when I was younger, and I consistently used those opportunities to get mad and take out resentments on the world. And I'm grateful now that I don't have to do that so you don't have to do that when it comes to dating, either know that dating is challenging and that having a good foundation and good love for yourself will make dating infinitely easier. 12. Understand there is no "opposite sex" only people.: in dating the idea of the opposite sex or even if you're in the same sex. The idea of people who are datable That idea of opposite sex is usually quite poisonous because it creates this dichotomy between you and your gender and the other gender. The other gender is mysterious. No, the other gender is not mysterious. They're people just like you. I'm a person just like you, because I might have different general equipment doesn't mean were fundamentally different . We don't think different. We don't act different. We just are people. You and I are just people, and that was a big thing I did wrong with my dating was this opposite sex thing. I remember being in high school, I would read these articles about how to please women and I'll pick up women. And most of the articles were written as if the women were some object that I was to take advantage off. And it was hard for me to even think of a woman outside of some useful part of me, as if I was possessing her and she was some bigger part of me, and that led me to a lot of bad thinking in terms of trying toe get women. There's nothing to get about women that there isn't to get about. Men were just people. All of us are just people. And regardless of rather trying to date older, young, same sex, different sex, different ethnicities, religions, parts of the country, we are all just people. There is no opposite sex. We're just people. This idea of an opposite sex is very limiting because it encourages playing roles while I'm the man. So I should do this. I'm the woman. So I should do this. That is very, very, very limiting, especially these days. If you want to be able to have a great relationship, you've got to just look for people. And my wife was a gigantic breakthrough. She was the first girl I can ever remember dating. I remember looking are very early on on the fifth date, looking at her like, Wow, she's a sister. She's a daughter like that was a giant breakthrough for me to not just look at a woman as a sexual object for my own gratification. And that's the problem with opposite sex. It tends to create that external, that object mentality and if you look at everyone is just a person, so everyone is just a person just like you are. That makes it a lot easier to date. Everyone has problems. My dad had a line he liked to use. Now, when you see a beautiful woman, there's someone who's tired of sleeping with her. When you see a beautiful woman, she picture her in the bathroom, and the idea of that's the same as what I'm saying, regardless of our attractive people are how much money they have, where they're from, how old or young they are. They're just we are all just people. And removing the idea of opposite sex makes it so much easier to just look at it like you're trying to find a friend. You're trying to find someone you like. There's no difference in trying to find a good friend than there is in trying to find a good spouse. It's the same fundamental thing now. The details of it are always different. So, yes, I have sex with my wife. I don't have sex with my other friends and other people in my life. That's different. But I also I play video games with some of my friends. I don't play video games with some of my friends. There are things I do with some of my friends. Like, for example, play call of duty, advanced warfare. I have a couple of friends. I play that with and most friends. I don't play that with heroes of the Storm. I played that video game with one friend. I don't play that with anyone else. Now that could change. I create courses with some people. I don't want other people. There are always differences in terms of the outward details until the fact that you will have sex with the person you're dating doesn't make it any different than the rest of the dynamics of a friendship. And being a good loving person and family member, that's just one part of a relationship, and it should be a very special, wonderful meeting, part of a relationship. But for me, when I was younger, I often always thought of things in terms off the sex and the sex was all I could think about when I looked at an attractive woman and if I didn't I think you're attractive enough to want to have sex with you as a woman, I hardly noticed. You are all my wife helped me notice that I was getting a lot of compliments from older women that I had been ignoring for all my life. If it wasn't coming from a woman I thought was sexually attractive, I completely ignored it. So I might have been actually there with my body, but I ignored it. Look, I saw when my friends went on a bachelor party. They were going out to the bars and looking for this validation from other women. And I realized I don't need to go up to a bar and do that. I don't drink toe, make things even more simple. But I don't need any validation from other women. A. I get a lot of validation for my wife and be there are all kinds of women about my mom's age. That's a really nice things to me all the time, and that's just a good of validation as anywhere else. The same is if my brother says something nice about me. My friends say something nice about me. One of my coworkers says something nice. Another guy I'm teaching a course with. He always says really nice things about me and what I'm doing, and I guess I say really nice things back to him and what he's doing. There's no difference in that. It's all just the same. A compliment is a compliment, regardless of Rather it comes from a dying old man or a beautiful young lady or a five year old kid or a mother with two kids or a guy that's in prison for murder. It's all just the same. We're all just people. And putting judgments and labels on other people is extremely limiting, especially when it comes to dating. What happens with a lot of women today that are in a position like my wife, where they've got a good career, they're attractive, They're highly datable. They find there's no men matching that criteria, because for every man like me now that is datable. Well, I'm not married, but if I didn't have a wife before, I met my wife, who was datable, who had a career and wanted to go places and doing things and, you know, around 25 plus years old, I mean, there's two or three women for every one guy in that same category because most of the women in that category were not willing to look outside of their ideas of what the opposite sex should be. Whereas a lot of men are willing to do that as long as the woman's attractive. So in other words, men are often able to go out with, well, older women and younger women without much hesitation wears. Women usually only go out with older men. Man are often willing, the date, regardless of any kind of ethnicity issues. Worse, Women often get more picky about that. But again, these are all just stereotypes, and you can see there utterly useless, even when I just said to you has no meaning for you individually. So if you can see that if you can see all of these things are utterly useless when it comes to dating, the only thing you need to know is that people are all people just like you. You're trying to date someone just like you. I am fundamentally just like you. There's no difference. I want you see that the world of dating opens up and becomes this huge possibility of finding a new friend who's there for you all the time. It's really exciting and it's actually nice with dating. It's so much easier. It's kind of hard to find a good friend because you don't do as much friend dating. But finding a person to date is a wonderful, beautiful experience, and it doesn't matter about any of the stereotypes, any of the opposite sex expectations, any of the gender, age, race, job, any other kind of expectations. You can see the utter futility of even the few things I tried to tell you in being useful at all when it comes to dating. So dropping all of those opposite sex ideas, dropping all of those job career, dropping all of those irrelevant ideas and just looking at it, I'm looking for a friend. I'm looking for someone I can love and that can love me back. I'm looking for a family member, and that makes it so much easier. You don't have to understand women. All you have to do is understand yourself. You don't have to understand men. All you have to do is understand yourself and you can understand yourself all the time. Once you understand yourself and you see you're just trying to date someone else. That's just like you. They have good days. They have bad days. If things they like, they have things they don't like in Miracle. That happens. Then you don't have to look up on cheesy websites about tricks to pick women up. You just be yourself and you'll run into someone else just being themselves. Who is right for you at some point if you haven't already. So thank you for sharing this with me, and I hope this has been helpful for your journey and dating. 13. Discover what matters most to you in a partner.: before you try and actually date anyone, it's probably a good idea to try and figure out what you really need, what really matters. Usually there's only one thing that really matters and that really matters to you, is how you are, how it feels when you are together. That might be simplified, but it must mean how you each feel when you are together. Now you feel when you're with them, but how they feel when they're with you, too. So to me, that's the only thing that matters. Nothing else really matters. What I'll try and do is break down some of the individual parts of that. So for me, attractiveness, mutual attractiveness is huge in how you feel together. I just do not have any chemistry and do not have the ability to feel great with someone that I'm looking for a romantic partner or wife dating. However you put it, there's just not that feeling of chemistry there for me. If I am not physically attractive them, if my body is not attracted to them and that's half of it, and if they don't feel the same way about me, the main mistake I made was trying to go out with girls. I knew I wasn't attracted to. And I didn't need 30 minutes an hour. 10 days to decide. I knew immediately. Absolutely immediately. If I was not attracted to them. I went out with a lot of girls. I could see as soon as they walked up. I should have said Nope, Sorry. This isn't gonna work. Let's not waste either of our time. I remember one of the first online dates I ever went on. This girl was sitting on the back of a pickup truck with her friend and I drove up and I saw it was her and I looked over and I went, Oh, good. I should never have went out with her. I might as well have kept driving. But I had this sense of, like, guilt or responsibility that I told her I'd go out with her. So I parked the car a few spaces down, sat there for a minute and then proceeded to have a date that was not good for either of us for the next hour. And then I told her You know what? I don't think we should go out again. Let's be clear that I could have avoided all of that pain and suffering for myself by just admitting right away. Oops, messed up on that one. I'm not attracted or no point in trying, no point trying to do absolutely anything else from here. And I made that mistake a bunch of times. A bunch of times I would see someone and I would look at her. And here I've been talking to her online, one of my ex girlfriends. I've been talking to her online so long that by the time I met her, I had all of these mind things invested. But as soon as I met her by body said, Nope. And it's not that she wasn't attractive. There are lots of guys. I'm sure that would have found her attractive. I did not find her physically, viscerally attractive. I mean, she certainly had the parts of woman Has she certainly looked like a woman. She was cute, but my body did not find all of her as a whole. Attractive and a lot of attractiveness comes from within, and when you're physically with someone, your body can so instantly see that and it's not reasonable, it's not rational. It doesn't require any thought. Your body can immediately see that, and your body often will respond either with a thought such as when I'm doing it wrong. The thought is disappointment. The thought is you. The thought is no, the thought is negative. When my wife walked in for our first date, my thought was Whoa, whoa, wow. And that was not a thought I had very frequently. When I saw a woman, my wife walked in Whoa! And she had the same thought with me. And that's why we have a wonderful relationship, because our first thought was most honest and most positively, both instantly, we're very attracted to each other. We only sent a few messages online. So here's the thing that is the foundation of discovering what you want in a partner, and that's generally not negotiable. If you're not attracted to someone, all you're going to do is be beating your head off a brick wall the entire time you try and interact with them. There's nothing wrong with being friends with people you know how to track 22 There's all kinds of possibilities, but if you want to find someone that you're gonna have an exceptional relationship with you absolutely must need to be attracted to them and everything else makes no dear friends, no difference. My wife and I have huge differences on things. She couldn't stand guns. I loved guns. She was a pretty liberal Democrat, and I was a guy that I d party on my dating profile. You've got to appreciate that almost all of these other seemingly important things are irrelevant in that mutual attractiveness is all that really matters in looking for a partner, in my experience, with trying to do it mostly wrong, lots of times and finally getting it right heres something my dad said that helped put it in perspective. You know, it's a lot nicer when a woman's bitching at you, and she's at least got a pretty face. I mean, it just makes so much sense. It's just makes so much chance And no, here's the thing. It doesn't matter what you look like physically. There is someone out there who will be attracted to you as soon as they see you, and that you will be attracted to them as soon as you see them. So it doesn't matter if you're a little heavy. It doesn't matter if your face is a little bit of a disaster or it kind of sags or you're next up a little bit or you are bald or you're really old or really young. It doesn't matter. Attractiveness comes from within and that a person who's got attractiveness within will share that will radiate it. And it comes out in all kinds of little details. I always thought it was strange when I was younger because I outwardly was very negative about girls that were overweight. But I still found it strange that some overweight girls could still look really attractive and others were just completely ugly. And I didn't get well. How can this one girl look okay, even though she's big in another one? I didn't get that at all because I just thought all overweight girls were nasty and I often was overweight myself. So that's probably why that happened. So here's the thing. Discovering what matters most in a partner is that mutual attraction. Everything else can be dealt with. My wife and I dealt with our differences on all kinds of mental things, but that physical and irrational attraction is all that matters, and it has to be mutual. Does not matter how you feel about them if they don't feel that way about you. If you don't believe me, go walk around and look at good looking people you're attracted to all day and watch them ignore you. That is Onley half of it. So finding who you're attracted to is so incredibly important. Critical, and that's all you really need in a partner. So simplify it and save each other time. If you're not mutually attracted to each other, please don't waste anyone's time because it's nothing personal. If you aren't attracted to someone you go out with, it's not personal. It just doesn't work. Sorry and the same thing. If someone does it to you, look, you're not attractive. Sorry, it's not a big deal. Try again and again and again and again. You know, many times I've tried before. I met my wife and she walked in and I was like, Wow! And she was like, Wow, you know, many times I failed that I had a while on the girl, didn't or the girl had a while when I didn't. It's hard, but that's Okay. Once you know what you're looking for, you can find it. Now that I've told you exactly what I think is there to look for, then maybe it'll be a little easier for you. So thank you for enjoying this with me. And I hope it's been helpful for you and discovering the only thing that really matters when you're looking for ah, partner in this life. 14. Making a great dating profile: Here's how to make a great dating profile online. The only thing that matters with your dating profile is that it works. So here's my actual dating profile that I met my wife on, and the only thing that's important to remember what this is. It worked. And that's all your dating profile needs to do is work. So there's a few things that are critical. Obviously, the profile picture is the single most important thing on your pick profile. If you have a bad profile picture, you're not likely to get very many dates, and you've got to work with what you have you on. Lee have what you have with yourself, and there's no point in whining, complaining or being upset or being frustrated there. That's irrelevant. If you want to meet someone, you use what you have now. That can mean getting someone else to take a picture of you. That can mean getting professional photos done. That can even mean getting a graphic designer to make something cool out of your existing profile. But basically it should just be a down to earth regular picture of you, and all that has to do is work. It doesn't have to be absolutely perfect, but you want to do a good job with getting a picture Now here's an interesting thing, though. My picture you can see it's a full body picture of me, so you can kind of tell a good bit about me from that. But you can't see my face that good. And my wife was pleasantly surprised when she saw me because she didn't know how good I looked for my pictures, and I looked better than she expected. And another guy she went out with had the opposite impact on her. And I can tell you, it's always better to undersell yourself in that impress than it is to over Sell yourself and disappoint. You'd never want to disappoint. So if that means you've got to use a picture that's not the greatest of you, or if you just have a friend, take a picture with you or something, I recommend having a picture someone else took. Not a selfie, but you can work with what you've got. So the profile picture is obviously crucial, but the in your own words is crucial to, and the thing is, in my own words again it's not necessarily perfect. It is honest, and it shares a story of what I did. If you notice my profiles about what I have done and what I do instead of about all these mawr ambiguous things, it shows what I do. So it allows someone to make a decision based on reading what I've done. And so the challenge with making a dating profile is often the words. The words are just endlessly frustrating. Lots of times I know this. What you're seeing is probably the literally 2/100 iteration off my dating profile description, and that's okay. If you need to change how you explain yourself every other day, that's fine. Just keep working at it and listen to the feedback you get. If people are saying good things they like about your profile, then don't change a lot of things on it. If people are saying they don't like things on your profile or they're not saying anything about your profile, it's not very good. Either it's bland or you don't want a cliche profile. The thing with my profile is it's original. It's got a real story on it. And even though my wife didn't exactly think that was the best impressive story ever. It was original. It got her attention and got her to message me. Got her to go out. Me? So that's the whole idea of your profile. Think of it like sales. The whole idea is you're trying to use your profile to convert someone to meeting you. That's what you're trying to do with it. And it's important to be honest on all of these questions. Now, if that means sometimes you have to give your best version of yourself like that's OK. But things like relationship never married absolutely, should be 100% honest on that height, you go to your doctor's office, you go somewhere you get officially measured. You absolutely never put inches off on your height, especially for women dating men. Women often like to date men taller than them. You have got to put your real height on there. It's a biological feature and things like have kids. You shouldn't ever be ambiguous on things like that. Either. You have kids, you don't. There's nothing in the middle of it. Even if you're pregnant, you don't have a kid yet. So have kids. Yes, or no, there shouldn't be any awkward. And you should always disclose as much as possible. For example, you don't want to just leave something off like smoke because you're trying to quit or something. But if you're trying to quit or whatever, then you make the decision on that. Whatever it is, you want to be able to deal with it. So, for example, on mind, the one and maybe to you could put key issues on here. We're body type and drink. So on body type, I went with athletic and toned. I felt that was honest because I had good physical shape. I still do. I'm athletic and toned now, and I felt like a lot of my life. I had been like that and that fit me Right now, I certainly could have put a different body type also, and I'm sure some women would look at that and be like, Yeah, right based on my picture. But that's you just do whatever you can feel good about. I felt good about athletic and toned, so I put that on there. Now drink. I I am an alcoholic, so I don't drink anymore. I'm grateful for that I go to a and I am struggled with that A lot in my life at the time I made this profile moderately was about the best way you could put it. I was drinking heavily 2 to 3 days a week, or I would drink more lightly for the five days a week, my wife said. Interestingly, her memory was that she did not go out with anyone who listed more than social drinker because to her that indicated alcoholic. The only higher level you could put drinking on on match dot com was daily, and since I did not drink daily, I did not, but moderately on there then, and I think moderately was the second highest option. So you just do your best with what you've got. I knew I had issues with drinking before I made a dating profile. I did my best on there, to be honest about it, since I didn't drink everyday put moderate, you are likely to have issues with something on your profile. It's always best to just be as honest as possible with it. Faith, for example, can be challenging for a lot of people. I put faith Christian Protestant. Although I rarely actually interacted with that. I didn't do much with it, but I put on their what I thought I waas So you want to do your best with your dating profile? So I hope I have given you a good overview of what that involves. It involves a good riel picture of yourself, absolutely current. I didn't hit on that before, but your day provides Got to be current, especially with women. I've heard and seen a lot of women. Why? I put up a picture of me from a year ago. That is the worst thing you can do, especially if you're fatter now or something happened here, Face. Now you're looking to set up that disappointing first meeting. By doing that, you want to present a current picture, preferably today or yesterday Now with me again. I didn't do the best job on this because I didn't get ah lot of pictures taken of me. And this picture I actually used on my profile was the same one I'd used from six months before When I made it. When I made my profile, that was a current picture. But then I got a girlfriend for a while. And then when I came back on match, I didn't switch my profile picture a few months later. This you want to use a profile picture that presents a current image of yourself so that profile pictures looked very close to how I actually looked. So the thing is, you want to make sure your profile picture looks very close to how you actually look, and there's tolerance in these things. If you got a profile picture three months old, you look the same way. Okay, that's fine if you have a picture you really like, but you're £20 heavier now, I wouldn't go with that. But again, it only matters what actually works for you. That could work for you. But more than likely, you're likely to run into problems doing that. So is current of the pictures you can, and as honest of a profiles you can, and especially in the in your own words on the profile. Try and say something original, often reading profiles done by your same sex. So, for example, I looked through sometimes unread, while other guys wrote Not a good idea. Just tell your story. But here's the key summary for the profile. There's two areas that you have a very small part of the profile that I make a big impression. Besides, the picture is the very first sentence of your profile, so you might want to share in the very first sentence of your profile. Like where I shared. I enjoy making the girl I'm with feel special and pride myself on being as loyals any man I know. To me, those were two of my best selling points. And then I immediately said, I'm hoping to find a woman who can handle my strength and intellect, obviously, up front. What a disaster. Some woman might look at it or another woman might look at it. Wow, that's just the kind of guy I want is one who is prepared to offer that. So you want to immediately communicate exactly who you are and what you want, and then maybe tell some stories about yourself instead of trying to generically describe yourself. I like long walks on the beach. You've heard all those generic things before. Those things are one of the worst things you can do in a profile. Share some stories about yourself, be honest and do your best with what you've got. You can see on my profile. It's not 100% perfect. Certainly you could could treat my profile, I'm sure. But the fact is it worked, and that's all that matters with your profile is that it works to get you actual dates in person. So if your profile is not working to get you dates and person than change it, if it's getting you dates with the wrong type of people in person, then you might want to make small changes. If you are consistently getting dates that seem close but not quite right, you've got a good profile. Don't mess with it too much. So I hope this has been helpful, and I appreciate the time you spent with me learning about dating. 15. Make broad and relevant search criteria: for your dating profile search criteria. You want to make sure you go broad rather than super specific. It's better to have 2000 potential matches, and it is to just have a few. The reason for that is, then you can consistently work each day to try and do ice breakers, and then you can have the best shot at finding someone a message. If you have 2000 different people to choose from, you can also know that there will be consistent what's called churn. So the if you're looking, say, like I was for a girl. The date girls will constantly be closing, turning off their profiles as they find guys. And then they'll be constantly new girls coming on every day to If you make your search criteria too small, it's hard to see exactly where the right person is. So, for example, always try and broaden the age of possible. Always try and broaden the location to the maximum driving distance, if possible. Always try and do things if possible, to broaden your options, because what you need is mutual interest and lots of times you might screen out the right person just because you thought something on their profile might not be right now there's certain things, of course, that are not negotiable. Maybe smoking or maybe drinking might not be negotiable for you, for example, and if you live in a big enough metro area, you might be able to get away with that. But if you live in a place where there's not that many people, it really is important to broaden your search criteria. And even if you live in somewhere huge like New York City, or like the Tampa Metro area where I met my wife, having 2000 plus matches is a really good thing. You want to be able to just go on, do ice breakers with the maximum amount every day, and then you can just respond to the ones who give you an ice breaker back and go from there. Broad search criteria help you not screen out the right person. So, for example, what I have seen people do is get too specific. Why don't some want someone that smokes or drinks too much or is older than me? And they have to have a graduate degree? They have to live within 10 miles of me, and the more difficult you make your search criteria, the smaller potential. You have to find the right person. So my wife was at the maximum of my driving distance an hour away from me in ST Petersburg when we met. And imagine if I'd set the distance closer. I wouldn't have even seen her pop up on there. So you want to find the areas you really are critical in. For example, if smoking is an absolute deal wrecker, that might be good. But I would only pick a maximum of three absolute deal breakers and then try and be more flexible on other things. For example, for me, smoking was up there, and wanting kids was an absolute also and then wanting an education. Now those the best three to pick? Not necessarily. The idea is you want to pick a few areas where you're inflexible on, so the more options of website gives you, the more problems you can have finding people meat. So it's better to cast a wide net and then see what you get out of it than to Onley. Cast a small net and be frustrated that there's nothing to get out of it. So I hope this I input on how to set your search criteria and how to try and interact with more people will be helpful for you in finding a date faster online. 16. Establish mutual interest before sending a message: for dating. It's really important to establish mutual interest before you invest almost any time or energy into it. The problem is, if you invest more time and energy into it before you verify mutual interest, your highly likely to waste your time. One of the biggest mistakes I made, especially dating online. But this works in person a lot, too. I would invest all this time and energy and excitement in getting to know someone that I didn't even know was available. Even if you have an online dating profile up, that doesn't mean you're exactly 100% available. In fact, lots of times people online their availability when dating goes in and out very quickly. One week ah person will be available for you to date. In the next week, they'll have went out with someone, and they won't be paying attention that our dating profile. So it's critical to always establish mutual interest. It makes no difference. No difference. No difference if you feel interested in someone and they do not feel interested back at you . It's completely irrelevant if there's no mutual interest, because if you want to have an amazing successful relationship, there must be mutual interest. They have toe like you also, and I know this is frustrating. I made this mistake hundreds, if not thousands of times. You probably have made it, and we'll make it again. But that's OK. As long as you're consciously aware of the fact that mutual interest is all that matters, your interest in their interest does not matter unless they both exist together. You don't have to make that mistake is. Many times I did. You don't have to put all of your interests in hopes into people that aren't available over and over and over again, like I did, for example, on dating profiles online. You want to just send an icebreaker whenever possible, a wink or whatever they give you to send in your program. You want to send an icebreaker first before you send a message, and it's better to send a lot of ice breakers out, not be very picky about that, and then be picky about who you start messaging and then be a little more picky about who you actually go out with. So you want to cast a wide net of getting ice breakers and just establishing mutual interest and then continue to refine that down. If you're in the marketing, it's just like a funnel. But what a lot of people do what I did a ton in dating. I wanted to go straight into maximum interest. So if I saw girls profile online and I got really excited, I wanted to go straight into maximum interest. So Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. We might get married and have a family and be buried together. And so I would be sending a message with all that enthusiasm and energy, and then guess how I'd feel when she didn't even respond. Guess how I'd feel. I felt horrible. And so then all those negative thoughts and negative thinking patterns along with it well, dating is no good. Online dating doesn't work. Oh, I'm not worth going out with all of these unfounded negative patterns for no reason at all . In fact, the only mistake that had been made by me was to try and put too much energy into an opportunity that I had no idea feels actually there or not. No, With my wife, I got lucky in the sense of I was aware of this and I on match dot com would max out my winks every day. I would get a search criteria of around 2000 girls in the Tampa area that matched it. I would max out my winks every day and in maxing out my wings. Then I could work with Onley girls that winked back at me. So then my wife was one of many girls that winked back at me. I then say her a message after looking or profile, and I sent some other girls messages after looking at their profiles. But most of the girls that went back I did not send messages to because I didn't even bother to look at their profile before I winked. I just quickly went in, winked at 50 girls that did not totally put me off in their profile picture and then paid attention to the girls that winked back at me because there is potential for mutual interest there for girls not going to wink back at me. Then why send her a message? It's a progression, just like in business with sales. You don't try and take someone straight to the big sail immediately or start thinking you're going to get a huge sale immediately. You start small, figure out if there's an opportunity, get to know each other a little better and then look to see what's possible after that. So the simple version of this is to establish mutual interest before investing anything, especially your feelings, especially your feelings. Ah, profile. Online means nothing by itself. You want to establish that a person might be interested in you. And if all else fails, just ask them all that fear of getting rejected. All that is the relevant at all. Hold you back. If you like someone, especially if they're in personally Nero them. Just ask them. There's no use doing anything else. There's no use guessing there's no use doing anything else. Just ask them. Do you like me? Will you go out with me that simple? It eliminates hundreds of hours of thought and guessing directly to the source. Do you like me? Do you want to go out with me? If they tell, you know it's over. You can try asking another girl or guy out. It's that simple. Establish mutual interest before sending any kind of message, and you do that in the least friction method possible 17. The goal of a message is getting a face to face meeting.: Once you've established mutual interest, the goal in a message is to get a face to face meeting. Nothing else matters except a face to face meeting, because your body will a judge a lot. Your body will know almost immediately after meeting someone what it thinks. And if you get to be aware, if you notice the thoughts you have, and if you notice the impression you notice how you react how your body reacts when you first meet someone, it's incredibly honest. And therefore you want to just use the messaging or any communication systems available in online dating to set up an in person meeting the goal of a messages on Lee to get a face to face meeting. I again have made the mistake off investing too many feelings into a online dating profile who had a real person behind it but ultimately was just sending me messages through the computer, and it was hard to tell anything about the actual person. I made one bad mistake with that. I spent weeks messaging and calling a girl, and then when I met her in person, my body reacted poorly. The first thought that went through my head when I saw her was disappointment. The problem was it was really hard for me to stop. At that point, it was hard to just tell her. Look, I'm sorry I made a mistake here. I'm not happy. It was hard to exit at that point because I had already invested so much in my mind. And so then I went out with her again. And then we ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, and I ended up spending three months with the girl who I didn't like at the very beginning . And to be fair, she probably had the same impression to or a similar one, because people tend to react the very same way to each other. If you're most honest, if I'm reacting negatively to you, you more than likely will react to negatively. To me, our energy was not mash well together. That was the first time I had put so much energy into getting to know someone online and then met in person and had it be so drastically different. The goal of messaging is on Lee to get an in person meeting because you do do not, under any circumstances, want to get emotionally invested with a person you have not met again. I know exactly from firsthand how much that costs. I knew very soon after dating her that I had made a mistake. I knew as soon as I walked up to see her that I didn't want to be there. And the problem was, I tried to doom or than establish a face to face meeting with the messaging with her. I wanted to jump straight into a full blown relationship. You don't want to do that online. You want to meet them in person to give your body a chance to react to them. You want to give yourself a chance to really see them and get to know them, because pictures and even Skype and any communication you do does not do justice to what you can immediately instantly see as soon as you meet someone. The entire goal of a message is on Lee a face to face meeting. No other goals, no other plans. If you live too far away where you can't make a face to face meeting convenient, you might want to consider narrowing the radius that you search in. If you do live far away. That does not give a reason to not work immediately towards a face to face meeting. If that means you have to get on a plane to meet them, that's fine. Anything is better than wasting your time and wasting someone else's time because it's ultimately about both. You never just waste your time and it's all by itself. I wasted not only my time, but I wasted three months. Have heard time to you want to meet in person as soon as possible, and the sooner you meet in person, it's less likely you've developed all these feelings where there's this horrible pressure that you need to do anything more than just meet and talk. If you've built up all these expectations and all these feelings from talking online and you've done all that through messages, then there's this horrible pressure. When you meet that you've got to go straight, you gotta push Street into having a relationship. It's a horrible, miserable way to go about dating online, and of course you can get lucky. Of course, it can work out, but as a general rule, the Onley message you want to send is a request for face to face meeting at some point soon . That's your goal with messages. Your goal is not to get attached and find a relationship is to meet in person. 18. How to convert the message into a date and what to plan.: now, once you've sent a message, the question is, what then should you plan out? My advice, based on what's worked for me, is to plan a meeting in a public place for a quick meal where there's no pressure and that's it. Lunch tends to work really well. That's what worked for my wife and I, and I swear I tried about every other scenario. I think even dinner is too much pressure for a first meeting. I think with lunch there's the expectation off just meeting and getting to know each other a little bit, because ultimately what you want to do is just get a first impression of that person. It never gets easier to leave and quit. You want to make a short no pressure meeting so that you can very quickly get a first impression and then have time to go back to the rest of your life. If you don't like the person, then it's very easy to not go out with them again. The less pressure there is on the meeting, the easier it is to move out of a bad situation. If you meet a person and you don't want to go out with them again. Ah, low pressure. Lunch date is the best way to screen people out. It's also the best way to see where your excitement is. When I met my wife and we had lunch, I knew I wanted to go out with her again. So then was easier to plan something like a dinner date because both the less knew we wanted to go out with the other person again. So there's a lot less pressure associated with having a quick lunch date. Then there is with having a dinner date, and it's much less pressure out in public than to have it somewhere private, like in your home or something like that. You want to make a date in public so that there's not the expectation of doing all of these other things, like making out and having sex. You want to plan a place where you can just meet the person because that's the best way to get a quick impression and decide if you want to go further. So you plan a place to meet in public for a quick meal because everyone ultimately eats. You can't say whether everyone ultimately goes bowling or plays video games. But you know everyone needs to eat. And if someone has eating habits that don't match with yours, and you have a hard time scheduling a date with them because of that, Hey, that might be a great opportunity to not go out with them at all. The idea of scheduling something that simple is that you very quickly get to the point you don't get anything else involved. You make the face to face meeting the entire point of the messaging, and that means you just want to introduce yourself quickly and messages. But say you want a low pressure meeting Now. Some people online want to send all of these messages and build up a huge repertoire with someone. And then the problem is they want, Ah, high pressure meeting after that, a dinner date with expectation of going home together. That's way too much pressure because then you start mixing in things like that. You want to have sex, regardless of who the person actually is. Ah, lunch date takes out Ah, lot of that potential problem, and the nice thing is, a lunch date is easier to ask for. There's no reason you can't go out to lunch with nearly anyone. There's a lot more reasons why you might not want to take someone out to dinner and then feel all the pressure associated with that. Now if you live a lifestyle where dinner is kind of a mid day meal and where it's not pressured. Sure, breakfast might also work so that you don't have to do it exactly that way. But a low pressure meal, low stakes meal with the clear expectation that all you're going to do is eat together. You're not going to spend the day together. You're not going to go home when I have sex, just meet them, get a first impression and then move on and see if you want to see them again and again. Mutual interest. They have to feel the same way about you. Ah, low stakes lunch meeting makes it easier to accept rejection. When you go out to dinner with someone and you have all these expectations, it makes it a lot harder to take rejection. Also, if you just have a quick lunch meeting with someone and they don't like you, it's a lot easier to deal with because you haven't started to expect all these things. So when your messaging someone around the third to six message, usually, but maybe sooner, maybe a little bit later, but not too much. I suggest a quick little lunch meeting, low pressure meeting, maybe Starbucks. If you don't want to do lunch, maybe breakfast, some low pressure scenario where there is not the expectation of Hey, let's get out of here and spend the day together or hey, let's go home and have sex. It's just a quick meeting. The same is if you're doing business with someone, you might stop and have lunch with them. Or the same as if you're meeting a friend real quick. Hey, let's go have lunch. You might not go spend the day with a friend casually. That's something you probably have got to know someone over. So don't look at a date online, especially the same way. It's something that should start small and grow, so messaging should lead up to you, asking them for a quick in person meeting. Now here's the thing. This is what's great about this. If they don't want to meet you in person, why do you want to keep talking with them. If they don't respond to your message, why do you want to keep thinking about them? This whole process involves eliminating as many people as fast as possible while not eliminating people who might be interested in you. So if they have a little bit of a challenge scheduling something that's OK. But the easiest way usually to do that is to exchange numbers. My wife and I sent several messages and then planned a place to meet, and it's easier if you ask for the meeting toe offer to meet closer to them. If they ask for a meeting, you can still offer to meet closer to them. But if you ask, it's always easier to ask them to go a short distance from their home to come meet you at some place they're familiar with. So if you ask for the meeting, then ask them if they will pick out a place near where they live so that they feel safe and comfortable since you asked. And the thing is ultimately, if you want to meet someone, the responsibilities on you toe ask if they happen to ask first. Great, it's up to you to ask if you are sitting back, waiting for them to ask and getting frustrated that they won't ask you out. Then you need to ask them out immediately. So I hope that's been really clear. You take a system of finding mutual interest. You then your goal of messaging is to get a face to face meeting, and then you plan your face to face meeting somewhere in public with a quick meal with no pressure. And then, in order to make that meeting happen, you generally will need to exchange phone numbers in order to notify the other person in case of an emergency or in case something comes up. People do cancel. People do have things happen. It's up to you. Rather you want to accept someone canceling on you or not, But it's certainly nice if you can't make it for any reason to let the other person no. And if you are the one that cancels, you need to make a counter offer, say okay, I couldn't make it today, but about tomorrow phone numbers really helping this, and my wife and I didn't exchange numbers until the very last minute, so I recommend exchanging numbers sooner rather than later. You have to go forward on this with understanding of potential problems. So, yes, there could be a potential crazy. It gets hold of your number. You also can easily block them with most phones, not something to worry about. So go for that quick meeting. Plan a meeting in public for a quick meal with no pressure, and then offer your phone number in case something comes up, but not necessarily to chit chat before you actually meet. 19. Be yourself.: on a date you want to be yourself, and that means be natural. So the way you are with your family and or your friends, some combination of that is who you naturally are. You don't want to try and put on. Try too hard or be any version of yourself. You're not so just be you. Talk about the things you like to talk about, say the things you like to say, and there's nothing warm with trying to be your best self, but you don't want to be playing a role. A role is something unnatural that you're tryingto act, and it doesn't feel right and you know it because you feel uncomfortable. You feel a little anxious or you start filling gross after you're doing it, and especially after you've done it. So just be yourself, feel lighthearted the same way as if you'd go out with one of your friends to eat. You want to fix yourself up a little bit, whether you're a guy or a girl, but not too much. You don't want to put the effort like you're trying to go get married into it and spend hours making yourself up. Whatever you would do to go out to lunch with a friend is about what you should do to go out on a date where some nice clothes, at least clean clothes. But they don't have to be your best clothes. So just something normal you might wear to go out their friends or family. Do yourself up your hair, your base, your choose. Whatever you do, just do it up the same way you would to go out and look nice with your family or with your friend. That's natural. That's honest. You don't want to try too hard on a date because ultimately you want the chemistry naturally, to be there. Trying too hard can mess up our obscure what natural chemistry's there. So you want to let the natural chemistry between you and another person play out. So when you go out with your friend, think of your best friend. When you go out to do something with them, there's sort of a natural chemistry there with them that was probably there pretty early on from when you started hanging out. Well, you want to do is see if you have an opportunity. Tohave another best friend on a date. And if you think about all the people you've met before, and then you compare that to your best friend, that should highlight that. You don't want to try and force another best friend. Just be who you are. And if the natural chemistry works, then you wind up with two best friends and that's really cool. So think of it like a best friend. Don't force it. Just let it happen, just be you. That means you don't need to script what you're going to say on the date. Never scripted. You're going to Santa Date. Just let things come out. If you say some things that are kind of surprising, that's okay. Your chemistry with someone else will dictate what happens. So sometimes that means things will go really well, and sometimes they won't over. Sharing when things are not going well is very common on a first date, and that's OK. That means it's not good. I went out with a few girls before, and I'm sure I've done this myself to that have way over shared on a first date. If it's not right, if you're not supposed to be with that person, things like that will happen also have had things happen on first dates before, where we just plain don't like each other or things like the check will come and I'll just sit there. I've sat there and ignored it before and waited until she said something about it. And that's because we didn't have good chemistry till just let what's going to happen, happen and be okay with it. Understand? It's not about you trying to figure out Decide. Is this person right? For me or not? You wanna let natural chemistry that's there on a first date? Work and lots of times is not going to work how you think it should work, especially if you're attracted to someone. You're all excited about them, and then when you start talking, interacting, it just comes out like some disaster. That's okay, that's going to happen sometimes. But if you can be yourself, then you don't have to beat up on yourself for being yourself. If you are who you are, then you don't have to feel bad about what you said or what you did, because that's who you are. So what do other people want from you? Besides being yourself Now, if you're acting a role, if you're trying to play a part, if you scripted all the things you're going to say beforehand and that it didn't work out well, it's really easy to go back. And second guess all that and I do this with everyone. I'm just me all the time. I just try and do my best to respond and be present in the moment, present in the moment. So that also means being yourself. Just be you right now. You don't need to think about how nice it would be to get married to this person or start wondering about what all their baggage is. Air. All their exes Just be there. Just be there in the moment and respond to what happens. Relax, Let it happen. Enjoy your time there and honestly, look around and appreciate what's happening. And don't take it personally. If things don't work out, that's OK. But if you're just being yourself, you're present. You're focused on the moment. Each moment during a date, then you're going to consistently get the best results in. The best result is what's supposed to happen if you're not supposed to be with a person and you try and force it. It will be miserable, Trust me and trust everyone else around you. That's done it. If you just let your natural chemistry come out occasionally, you will be very strongly gravitated, attracted towards a person, and they will be towards you in any other situation. You want it to end as soon as possible. So just be yourself to make sure that happens. And you can be confident you can at least feel good about you were yourself on every date you go on. 20. Trust your instinct about the other person.: you want to trust your instinct about your first feeling you meet. If you read Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink. It's a very good explanation of this in much greater detail. The fact is, you want to trust that first impression. It's almost every time absolutely honest and completely right from the very beginning. Your unconscious mind in your body and all of the universe can almost immediately sense when you come together with someone else exactly what that will produce. That means no matter what the other person's hiding, no matter how good or bad they feel, they are acting or how good or bad they look or what situation you're in. If you honestly can have a mutual first impression reaction of each other at the same time , it's incredibly honest. It's incredibly honest, and that's good because you want to get to the point as soon as possible. In dating, there are millions of single people out there in the world, and you don't want to wait your time with the wrong ones. You want to find a person who's right for you. There's lots of people that could be right for you out there. You want to find the person who's right for you as soon as possible. So what you can do to do that is trust your first impression, all those relationships where people shouldn't have been together in the first place almost all the time. There was a first impression that was honest and was ignored. And often first impressions I know firsthand are ignored because of things the mind has decided. So, for example, I messaged a girl for around a month online and called her and talk to her and built this whole relationship up in my mind before we'd ever met. And as soon as I met her, whatever you want to call it that produces, the first impression was like Nope, nope. Disappointed, clearly and totally disappointed. That was the reaction my body and my unconscious gave me. Very clearly it's is if I got an email. Nope, that was it. No other kind of like withdraw. Like who? And it has nothing to do that I'm better or worse. Another girl was is nothing like that is just we the two of us. That's how our attraction was to each other. Nope, it's whenever like to Adams that are opposites come together and they just repel each other . And you might think opposites attract will. Not all the time. They don't. Opposites do not always attract in every situation. Sometimes you come together and nope, that's not right. Trust your first impression. I cost me three months for not trusting my first impression. One of the best things I had ever done before consistently dating was trusting my first impression. I very often avoided all kinds of bad things because I trusted my first impression when I saw a girl and it didn't feel like I imagined it felt when I was like 1/3 grader. I knew how it should feel when I was very young, and if it didn't feel like that almost all the time, I was willing to say no, and that really helped me out. And I was single a lot of my life because of that. But then I was single when the time came for me to find my wife, so that is exactly what you want. You want to be single until you find the right person, and there's things you can learn with the wrong person. There's all kinds of good things that can happen the wrong person. But wouldn't you rather learn and go through all those things with the right person? Wouldn't you rather trust your first impression and cut your losses? Let's look at it this way. If you trust your first impression, you can always be trying all the time to get a great first impression. If you don't, you're going to be stuck in all of these situations where you don't feel you're doing good enough for you aren't sure if you're with the right person. There's all kinds of awful things that happen along the way. When you get with the wrong person, that consequences are very high for getting with the wrong person. So your first impression is crucial and is always right. It's always right, and sometimes it's complicated, like my mom and dad, my mom, and heard a lot of things about my dad that were bad. But the first time she saw him and that she remembers seeing him and that they saw each other, they had a good first impression. My mom's dog ran into the barn where my dad was hanging out, and they had a good first impression a good feeling when they met each other. So anything besides meeting each other in person does not count for first impression. Now on the phone. It can be helpful, but the phone is nothing. It's absolutely nothing. It's like one or 2% of the data. When you meet in person, that's 100% of the data. Your unconscious mind, your conscious mind, your body, the whole universe all gives you your first impression right away. So here's a couple of more things about the first impression that our understanding importance You want to date and be sober because mind altering drugs and lots of situations can alter a first impression and can ruin the value u get so one of the things I did wrong in college. I always was drunk, and I thought I could meet girls and be drunken. The problem was, that first impression doesn't work When you're drunk, it simply does not work because you're altered your mind. You've altered your body, altered your entire state of being, and the first impressions, then are often completely not something you can even notice. And this includes if you're taking a lot of medications or if you get in extreme moods, first impressions can be covered up by all kinds of things you're doing within yourself. So you want to put yourself in a situation where you can notice your first impression. My girlfriend in college was a sweet girl, but the thing is, I met her when I was sober, but I didn't hardly even know how to notice my reactions. She was cute, but I didn't hardly even notice how to trust my impressions on things. And a lot of the early times we hang out, I was drinking, and that made things a lot harder. So using mind altering substances in relation to dating and especially on a some kind of first meeting situation is very, very, very, very, very bad for being able to get a first impression. So I recommend never go to a first date after having any kind of drink. Or if you take medications for pain or anything like that, try to go with taking as little as possible. If you have extreme moods, try and figure out a time when you're going to be in a better or normal mood, so not way up or way down. You want to be in a level peaceful state, because if you are in a good, peaceful state. And the thing was when I was younger, I was almost never in a good, peaceful state of mind. And that made it hard for me to judge on first impressions. I always was up or down, and it made it hard for me to even notice the first impression. So make sure if you want to see that first impression, make sure you do your dating in a way that you can meet people in situations where you're sober and where you're in a peaceful, clear state of mind, so that when your body gives you that first impression, you can notice it and pay attention to it. So I hope this has been helpful about first impressions, and I'm grateful the time you spent here with me talking and listening to this 21. The first date is the easiest time to quit.: Now, this is a cool point. I never heard anyone else talk about the first hot date is the easiest time to quit. It's the best chance to really get a good impression of the other person in that say, you know, it's so easy to quit on. The first Data gets harder to quit in the second date. The third day, the fourth date, the 50th date. It gets infinitely harder to quit until you've really been beaten down lots of times. So if it's not right, please stop on the first date. Just quit and it's okay to quit. I know we live in a culture where people want to stick with it and persevere and go strong . And I know the mind says all these things to you. It says all these things like we can't be single anymore. I've gotta have this date. I need to be with someone or things like this girl, our guys so pretty. I wanted to work out with them or I'm so attracted to them. I just want this to be good or I really would like to get married and have kids at this point in my life or I'm just tired of being single or if this doesn't work, I'm too old. I'm never going to find anyone again. Or all of the things the mind says to try and control the outcome. The fact is, if you try and let the mind control the outcome, you consistently will put yourself in crappy situations. I know because I did that a lot, but one of the gifts I got was most of the time I was willing to quit on the first date of it. Didn't work most of the time. If the first day it wasn't good, I was willing to say, Nope, not going out with you again. There were a lot of girls. I never called back for another date. There were plenty of girls that never called me back for a date, either. And that's the best thing that can happen if it's not right, and most of the time it won't be right. So the first date is the first easy point to quit. The girl I went out with before my wife, we had some attraction to each other. We had some chemistry chatting. It was okay, but it definitely was not great. It definitely was not great. And so why did I give myself such a hard time? I knew as soon as I went home from the date, like, definitely don't want to go out with her again. Oops. But after that, my mind started doing all these things. My mind started saying, Well, maybe it wasn't so bad. Well, you don't want to keep being single, do you? Well, maybe you just didn't. Well, well, well, No, no, no, no, no, no. If it doesn't work on the first date, don't try again. Have the courage to not try again if it doesn't work on the first date. Because there are so many other people out there. My wife and I had an exceptional first date. I remember driving home, feeling so hopeful. I'm like, Wow, that was a really good And I did not feel that going out with the girl before her or the girl before her or so on and so on. I was so amazed. And you think things like you can learn dating. You think I remember going out on one date with ground thinking? Okay, I've went on so many dates now, I got this. I know how this is supposed to be. When I went out my wife, it was as if I'd never went out with a girl before. I was just wow, just about heart imagined I would be When I was like in first grade. It was exceptional. And here's the thing. I went out with girls so many times and it took 10 years to go out with a girl where it was just exceptional, not where it was way up high or crazy or all this madness. But it was peaceful and joyful and just full of love and wonderful. And I just felt both really happy, and I felt kind of safe. It was nice. Now my mind messed with me a lot after that, Of course, my mind tried to mess things up, but after the date, I had a really good positive feeling, and that is exactly what you're looking for. If you don't have that, don't do it again. So here's the thing. I put this before. You go out on a date, toe lower the stakes and to kind of let things feel like they're not in your hands because they're not It's the two of you together. It's what you make together that has nothing to do with what your mind wants unless you let it. And when your mind tries to get in and plan and control things, everyone suffers. You saw for the person you're with, suffers your family, suffers everyone around you suffers when your mind starts dictating the terms. The first day is about chemistry and about how the two of you are together. It has nothing to do with you, to his individuals, to great people. Individually. That does not matter it off for them being a couple. And that's why it's happens frequently. See these celebrities get together and things don't work out having to people individually that people like makes no difference for how they are as a couple. So you want to understand. It's easy to quit on the first date, and it gets no easier. So trust yourself going into the first date and trust yourself to be your best version of yourself and trust yourself to follow your instincts and trust yourself toe honestly. Put your decisions based on what you feel right during the first date and right afterwards , Trust that. Don't let your mind going to make the decisions rationally. Trust your feelings. Your feelings are often honest. Trust your instinct. When I was driving home from going out with the girl I went out with before my wife, I knew exactly what the right thing to do, and that was to not ever go out with her again. My mind started screwing around and trying to make another date with this girl, even though I knew the truth and I suffered. But still I did not go out with that girl again. And just after that was over, I went out with my wife. And how many times before did I do that? A lot? A lot. So trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust life, to tell you what's right or not. And don't even try and use your mind to make any of these decisions know that most of the time the first date is going to be the last date. Unless it's just exceptional. It's worth saying no in quitting a lot of times to get to that one date that's awesome and takes you into happily ever after. So I appreciate you watching this with me, and I hope it's been inspirational for you in your dating 22. How to plan a great first date.: So now that I've shared the mental and ways to go about handling the first date, now it's time to look at how toe plan a great first date and keep it simple. That's why this lecture is short. I'll tell you exactly what I did with my wife, and it worked really good. Plan. Something very simple. Lunch, lunch or breakfast. Either of these air nearly always ideal because you want something quick, simple and related to something you always can have in common with someone else. Now let's look at things we all have in common eating. That's something we all have in common. Every one of us eats. And you might say, Well, it's so played out, or I've been on so many dates that we went out to dinner launcher, breakfast, whatever. That's good. You want to start simple and eating is simple. Eating is one of those fundamental things. If you're going to like someone, then love someone than have a family and a great life of them, or whatever you're going to do, you want to start simple and eating. You're going to likely eat with that person a lot of times, so try eating with them to start. There's no point in trying to make a grand first date like we go out and do all these magical things. You just want something simple that you're liable to do with that person every day, eating breakfast or lunch. And I'm saying not dinner for most first dates because dinner causes a lot of problems. Dinners the end of the day, dinner starts leaning things like we were gonna go home together. We can have a bunch of drinks together. What do you have to do after this? Breakfast and lunch are ideal. My wife and I did lunch because there was a clear expectation that we were just going to eat lunch together. And that's it, because you want to just get an impression and then separate. You want to go back to your regular life and then have another opportunity to plan another date. So definitely the first date should be breakfast or lunch or some kind of meal snack around that time of the day, and this is an opportunity for you to see how willing you are to go out with someone else, so make it on opportunity to get to know each other. And if you can't even plan, if you can't even figure out a place to go on a first date for breakfast or lunch, you probably don't want to go out. If it's that hard, you should probably just skip it, because here's how easy it should be. Ask them out. Would you like toe go out to breakfast or lunch this weekend? Weekends tend to be ideal, and then, at that point they should give you an opening somewhere. Yes, I could do breakfast Saturday. Yes, I can do lunch on Saturday. That's what my wife did, she said. Yes, I can do lunch on Saturday. So we did lunch on Saturday, that simple lunch or breakfast. I recommend lunch, though, because people have a lot of routines getting started in the morning and lunch is the ideal meal to dio right around anywhere from 10 a.m. If you lunch really early, Teoh three or four feet lunch really late, but lunch in just lunch. Nothing else. No bowling afterwards. No, let's go back to my place, just lunch, and I'm saying that for older, young, gay or straight any part of the world just something simple. Lunch. Don't try and make it any more than that. Just plan out lunch because what you want to do is have consistency over time. You want to get to know someone over time. So if they're having a good day or a bad day, well, you want to just see how they are on one date and then maybe try again. You want an honest impression of someone in an hour. Lunch is pretty easy to do something you might do with your friends. So just a quick lunch date. Plan out a quick, simple lunch date, nothing more and nothing less. Don't just do drinks or snacks. That's lame. Just do lunch, a full lunch meal together to get a good first impression of each other, and then you can go from there. 23. DO NOT do any of these on a first date.: What should you definitely not due on the first date here. A few things to not do on the first date do not over share over. Sharing tends to happen when you're with the wrong person when you're uncomfortable. So if you do overshare, that's okay because that's usually a sign you don't need to go out with that person anymore . Now all these things I'm saying our general, but most of the time they're going toe apply to you, so do not over share. Do not be rude or in polite or mean to any of the people around you. Because if you're treating the waiter bad, what does that tell you about how you're likely to act with the person you're dating? So you want to avoid being mean to anyone else in any other situation around you. You want to focus completely on that person and speaking, focusing completely on that person. Do not mess with your phone on the first date. Do not under any circumstances, check your phone on the first date. If you have some emergency you're in the middle of, you need to just tell that person you can't do a first date. with them right now. If for any other reason you think you need to check your phone, don't. It's incredibly rude. And I remember almost every time a girl I really liked was checking her phone on the first date. Incredibly annoying, and generally things did not work out with us very well. My wife was very polite. Was not messing around on her phone the first date. Neither was I. We were both there present with each other. Do not mess around with your phone on the first date. That means you don't need to take any pictures or check in together on the first date, either. Just be there and go out with the other person on the first date. If you are on a first date, regardless of what sex, gender age expectations, do not expect the other person to pay the bill. Do not expect the other person to leave the tip or do anything. You go there, you expect you will pay. You offer to pay if they want to split or give the tip or whatever, then you go from there. But do not expect the other person is pay, especially these days. There is no definite thing that men have to pay for the date. You are always welcome to pay for the date, regardless of who you are and where you are. And then finally, do not try and expect anything or do anything on the first date other than get to know the other person the same way you would get to know a new person at work. A new friend. Someone just introduced you to a new sales person at the store or anything else. So, in other words, do not try and get overly romantically involved on the first date. That means do not in the first date with a kiss, especially if you've just scheduled something at lunch. Do not expect have sex on the first date. Do not try and grab their field. Other person up on the first date. The first J is just a meet and greet. Anything else is too much pressure, so do not put a whole bunch of pressure on that. By expecting a kiss, a make out session, get in the car and feel session, anything beyond that or just expecting to have all these feelings for someone else. My wife has been the most special girl in my life, along with my mom, who went and had me. My wife and I just met, and I gave her a hug at the end of the first date. We didn't get all over romantically involved on the first date, and it worked. Any time that I tried to get overly romantically involved on other first dates, it didn't work. So trust me, you want to not do any of these things on a first date because it's promoting an unhealthy environment. It's skewing the honest results of the date you want to treat a date with someone else, just like you'd treat meaning or getting to know anyone else. Now let's look at it this way. You probably wouldn't go in to a store for the first time and meet a new salesman and hang out with them for a little while and then try and make out with them. So why are you going to go out to lunch with someone and try and make out with them? If you wouldn't go into your insurance agents office and for the first time and say hello, I'm Jiri. Now let's make out. But why is that acceptable? On a first date, you want to get to know someone a little bit first. So all of these things are important not to do on a first date. And if you do them, it's not the end of the world. That usually means it's wrong. It usually means the first date did not go well. If you're with someone and they try and get overly romantically involved with you, their route to the people around you, they over share with you. They check their phone, they expect you to pay. These are signs, the dates not going well. And that's okay. Almost all my dates didn't go well. I just needed one first date to go well, and it did. And I'm grateful for that. So if you want things to go on the first date, don't do any of these things and you have a lot better chance at things going well. So thank you for watching this, and I hope it's been helpful 24. End with a hug for yes or a polite "thank you for going out with me.": So how do you end a first date? Right, And here it is simple, right in the beginning, end it with a hug. Hug is loving. It's caring. It's genuine. It's significant physical contact. It clearly communicates how you feel with the other person. It communicates a lot of positive energy in both your brain and your body, and at the same time, Ah, hug is fairly lighthearted. I can go give anyone a hug, and there's not a big problem with that. Ah, hug is more of a loving, caring thing to do. So hug is a perfect way to end a first date. And if you give a person a good hug, my wife and I had a great hug at the end of our first date. And that's what's on ideal way to end the first date. If you think about it again like any other context, you want to keep the first date to something that mawr applies to how you would generally behave with anyone else. So it's acceptable certainly, to give your friend Ah hug at the end of hanging out with them, or to give your family members hugs. But how many people would you meet once and then make out with them right away or kiss them on the lips? You want to save that for at least the second date and maybe farther, depending on where you're at in life, you always always, always want to end the first date with the hug, because that is what seems to happen when everything's going right between two people. That a first Met and a hug is a generous, kind, loving thing that's accepted anywhere in the world. Ah, hug is something that is good. I know. I used to say when I was younger, that all. You're just not a man if you don't kiss her on the first date and completely wrong on that one. So that's exactly what you want to do. At the end of the date is give the other person ah, hug and don't go wait for them to do it. As soon as you feel the time is right and you're about to part ways from each other at the end of the date, then go ahead and give that person a hug and it should come naturally. If it doesn't come naturally, then it's not right, and that's what to do at the end of a good date. If the date went really well, you want to do a hug? If the date did not go well, you might not want to do a hug. If you already can't stand the person after one date, you might want to do a polite thank you for going out with me tonight or I appreciate your time tonight. Do you want to end the date with a clear note of how you feel, too? If you know you can't stand the person, you don't need to be mean to them about it. But you also should let them know. Look, I appreciate you going out with me tonight, and I don't know if this is going to be something I'm going to want to do again. And you don't need to give any reasons or excuses, and you can say it's stronger than that to you can say something like, I appreciate that you went out with me tonight. I had fun, and I'm going to see other people after this. I don't want to go out with you again, and that's just me. That's how I feel and some I know you while you're watching this, there's a big chance you might be horrified at that level of honesty. That honesty will save you so much trouble in the future. How many times if you went out with people, you know, they should have told you that, but they didn't. And you kept having hope. And you kept texting or calling them and trying to go out with them again. How many times do you wish that someone would have just done that with you, where you can't control what other people do, what you can control what you do? And I know I saved myself a lot of trouble. I often looked at my friends and say, Why do you have all these girls calling you all the time that you don't like? And it's because they weren't willing to sit there and say on the first date like I was this. Thanks for going out with me. I often was a lot ruder than that when I was younger, but on a lot of the dates I didn't have fun. I'd be ice would say, Look, we went out tonight and I don't want to go out with you again. Now I don't recommend being mean like that about it. I recommend being is nicely. You can about it, something like, Thank you for going out with me tonight. I don't feel like this is something I want to do again, and that's nothing personal. It's just me. But that's honest. And I'm sharing this with you to save you. The time of wondering whether you should well, with me again so that you can find someone else to go out with that might be better for you . That's honest and it's a lifesaver, and it'll save you and other people so much more time. So do it. Yes, it's hard, but don't let your mind get involved. Just have the courage. Have the guts to tell someone the truth right then and save yourself a ton of time. I saved myself a ton of time and bad dates by doing that a lot by saying often rudely. Look, I don't want to go out with you again. I often would be mean about it, and that's not the way to go about it, either. You want to be nice, and I also did not have courage at times to say no. I had some horrible first dates, and I often didn't have the courage to try and say no. Often those will just end awkwardly, and if it ended awkwardly, that is a no. So if you want to end a date really nice and you want to end it good, then ended with the hug. And if the other person does something besides fully embrace you and genuinely want to be there with you, then that's a no. And if someone tries to hug or kiss you on the first date and you say no, that's a No forever. That's not a no. Maybe we'll do this. That's forever. No, and that's fine. That's OK. Forget it. Don't try it again. Go on to someone else. So that's how to end the first date. If you love the first date, go for a hug and just open your arms up wide and make it obvious you're going for a hug. And if they're a little awkward or weird about it, and you don't, you can say, you know, how about let's end this with the hunger, something like that. It's not asking permission, But it's communicating what you're doing because people may not expect a hug lots of times . So that's what you want to do. Communicate, and rather that's with body language. Open arms usually means dogs come in, or you can communicate that with words. But body language usually works. And if you're not happy and you don't want to go out with that person again, that needs to be communicated to words can help. The body language is effective as well, so don't leave any doubt. Anything you do makes it harder. If it didn't work, say, or do whatever, let them know it didn't work for you and that they should forget about ever trying again. You don't want them texting or calling. You don't have to be mean like this about it. Do you want to clearly communicate? They should forget about you and move on if it didn't work out good. So those are the two outcomes you're looking for. Ah, great awesome exceptional date. Go for the hug and if you're wrong about it, being exceptional, awesome for the other person. Oops, Move on. If it's not awesome, exceptional for you some way. Find some nice, honest way to say thank you. And I don't want to do this again. So I appreciate you going through this with me. I hope it was really helpful for you. I'd give you a big hug if I could come through the camera. And if you're just not feeling this I'm sorry. It's not right for you. This is honest. This is truth. And this is the way that I've been able to find a wonderful, happy relationship. And I'm doing my best to share it honestly, Here with you today. 25. Follow up how you would like to be followed up.: How do you follow up after the first date? Successfully, you treat the other person exactly how you want to be treated. You expect nothing of them. You're not willing to give yourself so if you want someone to email you or call your text you after the first date, I recommend a phone call, but a text message certainly can work. You follow up with them how you want to be followed up with. What you never do is sit there and wait for them and expect them to do everything and get all upset when they don't. You give what you want to get, because when you give what you want to get, then you know exactly where you're at. If you really like the other person, it's OK to send a simple test message saying Thank you for the date. If they don't reply back, then they probably don't want to go out with you again. That's fine. Just accept it and move on. But here's the thing. If you're not sending them a text message or a call, if you're playing games with them, then you have no idea what they think. So don't play any games at all. You treat them how you want to be treated. And I as with everything in this course and all of my courses, I learned the hard way and stuff. So I share the hard way that I learned. So you don't have to do it that way if you don't want to. If you want to, then go ahead with my wife. We followed up with each other, how we wanted to be followed up with. We were courteous, but we weren't overbearing. We sent simple text messages. We did quick short phone calls and we arranged second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth. And now we're on, like, 1000th dates. We followed up with each other. How we wanted to be followed up on it was very peaceful. It was not all upsetting most of the time with other girls. I always played all these kinds of games. Well, I'm not gonna text them right afterwards. Well, I'm gonna wait for her to call. Well, I'm not gonna call her back. Well, and all of that sucks. You don't want that done that you do. You You don't want the other person to be all excited about you and wait for you to call. You do what you want done back to you. If you want the other person to go nuts and go crazy over you and call you 50 or 60 times, then try and go ahead and do that to them. Do you get what I'm saying? Treat the other personal You want to be treated? Allow there to be a little bit of space. If you're insecure, the move is likely to either not do anything or to do too much. So trying to hit that middle ground of doing just the right amount. And if you don't get good things back from that, then don't go out with them again. It's that simple. If they're calling in texting, going crazy all over you, will you feel like you can't breathe? That's bad. You don't want to go out with them again. You're not in a good place with that person. They're either too over interested or something else is going on. And there were plenty of situations where I was on both sides of that where I was the one doing too much where I was the one playing games, not doing anything and where I was the one getting that done to me and the things you do get done back to you. Rather they get done back by that person back at that time or a later time. The things you do get done back to you, almost everything I've done. I've got done back to me and it's really funny to do something, the one person and then see another person do it back to me to go out with a girl and go all crazy about her and get all overbearing and then watch the next girl I go out with. Do that to me like, Wow, that's weird. How that works, isn't it? Do what you want done to you. Give what you want to get, so that usually will mean give a little bit of attention honest gratitude and try and plan out another date if you really liked it, if you didn't like going out with that person, please tell them Please be honest with them. I'm thankful for every single girl who said no, regardless of how I felt about it, every girl who told me I don't want to go out again. I remember one girl sent me this long message explaining she just wasn't feeling it and I was so mad. But now I'm pretty thankful. I'm pretty thankful that she sent me that message saying no and she never responded to another one of my messages. I've been on both sides and all sides of it all the time. You don't have to suffer as much as I did unless you choose to. And the follow up after the first date is a key area off struggle of pain, of suffering, and you don't have to make it that way. If it's right with the right person, everything will go right. Most of the time. It's not right with the right person, so most of the time something will go wrong and that's normal. You'll text them. They won't take you back. Your called them. They won't call you back. Do you know how many times that's happened to me? I have a pretty good memory and I can say it's happened a lot. Somewhere around hundreds. I would go out with new girls all the time, and I very often didn't make it past the first date, and very often they would be the one who'd ever called back, who never texted back. And I'd be so brokenhearted. And you have to understand if you've went out with someone they may be going out with other people to. And if they're also going out with someone, they like better. And they didn't like you that much or they liked you enough, but not as good as someone else. It's no hard feelings is not impersonal. You're just not right at the time. And the only thing you can do is keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. No matter how old or young you are where you live, what race or gender sexuality you are the same. Rules always apply. You follow up the other person how you want to be followed up with, and whatever the technology changes, you just adapt to that. So if you were acting with another person on Facebook and you got set up that way, then follow up with them on Facebook, I recommend keeping things. The same is, however you've been doing them. If you've been calling another person, call them. If you've been texting texting, have you been messaging them on Facebook or another messaging program, then use that. Keep things the same and give what you want to get that simple. Now you can go ahead and trust that you will follow up the best of your ability as you go along throughout your dating and you can understand that follow up is always appropriate. If you didn't like the person and don't want to go out with them again and they text you, then tell them it's that simple. You would want to be told in that situation when you so just follow up the way you want to be followed up with. Thank you for watching this, and I hope is always it's been useful. 26. Establish that there will be a second date soon or forget about it.: The one key thing you need to do after the first date during your follow up is to decide. Will there be another date or not? There are no other outcomes, and the other date should be soon. It should be in like, a week or so. That's the only outcome you need after that first date, and you get that by following up. You don't need to immediately planet at the end of the first date. You have too many other things going on. You want to take a few days, follow up, and then you either plan another date or forget about it. Anything else is only going to draw out your pain and suffering. So here's an example. I went out with a girl before my wife the first day. It was kind of law, and as soon as we were done going out, I thought, Oh, no, never again. Am I going out with her? So then I went visiting my friend. Next day we drank, played some call of duty and some zombies, and then I decided out of boardroom or whatever. Stupid thing to start texting or again and seeing how she was doing So I texted her all of over Christmas and continued texting and talking with her, and then we scheduled another date. But how inconsistent is that? That when I first went out with her, I didn't want to even schedule another date. So the follow up should have been a that point. No more second date. What I did instead was I waffled and I didn't do anything for over a week. We just chat and we didn't go schedule another date. And then when I did schedule a date with her, she ended up canceling at the last minute and I just said, okay. And then she was really upset that I didn't even hardly care that she just cancelled at the last moment. What I should have done and what she could have done to is just say, OK, we're not going to go out again, and that's fine. That's what you've got to get to as soon as possible. Either you want to go out with them again or not. And I was very good about that. With most girls I didn't like of saying No, I'm not going to go out again. But most girls were not very good at doing that with me. They didn't like to just say no right away. But usually they were good in the follow up about saying no one way or another. So if a girl or a guy won't make another date with you, that's a no anything. But then making another date with you soon after the last one is a No. One. That's okay. Once you ever know, you move on. My wife and I made another date one week after our first date. And after that, another week after our first date. And then after that, another week and then another week, and then only a couple of days from our fifth date to our six date. And then we started going out every three days. So that's exactly how it works. You're on Lee objective after the first date is to decide, do you want another date? So in the course of following up with them, there's no point in just texting are trying to chit chat or get to know the other person over online methods you want to decide. Do I want another date or not? Do you want another date or not in either person. So think of this like a block chart. There's four separate squares. Yes, they want another date. Yes, you do want another date. That's the only scenario where this works and the other scenario does not work. If you both say no, I don't want another date, then you don't go on another date. If you have one person that says yes and one person that says no, then you don't go out again. And so it's important to get to that as soon as possible. You may not need to do it immediately the day after, but within another week you need to decide. You need to have clearly established Are we going to go out again or not? Because the yes, yes response is in the minority of that table. Usually one person will not want to go out with the other again, and sometimes both will not want to go out with the other again, especially if you both don't want to go out with each other again. Why would you keep texting or calling or talking? Of course, you could make a friend, but there's so many friends you could make. Why would you make a friend? In that instance? It just complicates things. So you usually for dating want to immediately figure out by immediately. I mean, maybe a day or two later. Are we going to go out again? Do you want to go out with me again or not? And if it's no again, no hard feelings. Move on, try someone else. There are so many people on this planet. If you are having no luck in your hometown move, get another job. Go somewhere else. That's okay. This dating system I'm giving you works to consistently figure out exactly who you should date and then try and figure out exit points as early as possible. This is the easiest exit point you will get from here on out in every single lecture in here is the easiest exit point you will get from here on out. The deeper you go, the harder it gets. This it might sound a little difficult to tell another person no, right now, when you are somewhat but not totally interested. And it might be hard to hear that they're not totally interested, but it gets no easier every single point after this it gets harder. So clearly decide if you want to go out with this person again or not, and clearly established whether they want to go out with you again or not, and then you're ready to take the next step on the second date. I appreciate you being here with me for this, and I hope is always it's been helpful. 27. Build upon the success of the first date or establish a failure.: now planning out the second date. The second date is an opportunity for things to go better or worse. But one thing you do not want to happen is have things kind of already get blocked and go on the consistent, straight narrow, not getting more exciting path. The first day should have been a good introduction, and the second date should be an opportunity for things to start getting really exciting. But most of the time, the second day, it's going to be a failure and you want to watch out for apathy, especially if you're feeling apathy. That's a lot harder to do something about. If you just can't stand the person, it might be easier to not go out with them. But if you just kind of don't care, that's just a bad is not being able to stand them, if not worse So the second date, things should be getting better. You should be getting Mawr excited, much more excited, and if you're not, then you want to call it quits because just like I said on the first day, the first date is the easiest place to quit. The second date is the second easiest place to quit. You're only getting in deeper. And the second date you want to start to get to know the person a little bit more. Hopefully scheduled the second date about a week or so from the first date so that you have another fresh chance after weeks gone by to get to spend some time with the person again. My wife and I work fortunate to do real good on this. We took a week between the first date in the second date, and things heated up a lot after the first date. Now, things were already great on the first date and they got even better. And our relationship since then has continued to get better. So what, you want to look for things getting better and more exciting, but not just for you. It's gotta be mutual. If you feel one way another person doesn't feel the same way. It doesn't even count. You have to both feel the exact same way in the second date is a very good time to establish how you both feel. Sometimes. This may have not been clear on the first date of the second date. You can do that so the second date, I'm usually going to recommend dinner on the second date. You can see no Ive went about starting this first date lunch, second date dinner. You always should have lunch and dinner in common. Regardless of how you eat or where you live. You should always be able to have lunch and dinners things in common. Any other activities. Those are great. But here's the thing. Why do all these crazy fun activities on a first or second date? You don't want the activity itself to obscure the person. So I noticed on things like The Bachelor and Bachelorette. They do all these crazy adventure dates. And my thought is, How can you even get to know someone doing one of those when it's such an experience yourself? That's why my thought is. Do a dinner date on the second date, plan out dinner because dinner, just like lunch, is kind of ordinary. And yet, if you're going to be with someone for a long time, you ought to enjoy eating with them. I've eaten with my wife thousands of times. It's a good idea to start the first few dates out as eating days and if you have issues about eating, it's a good idea to start out with eating days so that the person you're with can prepare to deal with your issues from the beginning. That's the power of scheduling out dates like this and going into it with that mindset. So the second dates and opportunity either do better or most of the time to stop most of my second dates. I did not have 1/3 date, as with most of my first dates and probably with most of my third dates. So the idea is, the second date is a great place to either do better or worse, and it's an exciting opportunity. So just do it like this scheduled dinner and meet up and just do dinner, get to know the other person, talk, chat and maybe have an opportunity for dessert or a nightcap or whatever your style is. You just don't want to go home with the other person Yet on the second day, either. No matter how old you are or how young you are, the second date, just dinner and maybe dessert or a nightcap or something, and that's it. It's a good opportunity to get the no, another person a little bit more, and then you can look at planning 1/3 date from there. So by now, the sexual passion should be heating up a lot on the second date. You should really want the other person, and at the same time you should not just have them yet. You should wait. You want to see that desire there and know that it's there and separate a little bit from that. If you just immediately have to give in and immediately go do it that night, it's not as likely to work out, at least in my experience, because if you have the right passion with each other, you'll want to heat things up farther than you've ever went before and the earlier you just satisfy your desire immediately. You're not as likely to heat things up so much, so these are my thoughts. I'm planning for the second date plan a dinner date more time and energy than the first date, but less time and energy than 1/3 date. So maybe a few hours again, with no expectation of going home with each other, that should make for a great second date for you the same way it made for me. So I appreciate you watching this or listening to this, and I hope it's been helpful for you. 28. Close strongly with a kiss or give up on the second date.: you're closing on the second date is very important. You've had enough time now with the first date that was lighthearted, that you ended with a hug. The second date is time where the sexual potential should be clear and just the tip of the iceberg should be highlighted. So for my wife and I, that meant we had a nice kiss and make out session on the second date, and it was wonderful. And that is what got us so excited about the third date. And we're glad we didn't do that on the first State because every time I did that on the first date, it didn't work out. And any time that didn't happen on the second date, it didn't work out. So the idea is you want to make sure the sexual potential is there because part of a successful dating, love and relationships is the romantic part of it. You have lots of friends, family and people in your life that you don't have sex with. So if you're going to go about having a romantic relationship, the sexual potentials, one of the foundational parts of that, it's one of the things that distinguishes it. from all the other relationships in your life. And there's no point in trying to make him a romantic relationship if you're not going to have that sexual passion there. So the second date is a good time to at least verify. Rather, that's there or not. And just a little make out session at the end of the date can clearly highlight that. So by the end of the date, if you find yourself not willing or not interested or trying to avoid having any kind of kiss or make out session or first base or whatever you wanna call it, you're probably not with the right person. Because if you've went out on one really good date and you've set things up in a situation where you both know you're there dating, you're not saying I just want to be friends or not making it into something it's not. But you're both honestly there and looking for a romantic partner, and you went out on a first date, like I suggested, or something similar with lunch that was lighthearted, where you didn't mess around at all, but you both wanted to, and then the second date you closed strongly. You should want that. And even if things aren't going to work out, that's still often may happen. You still may have a lot of sexual passion and energy. Even if things aren't going to end up working out, it only gets more difficult. It only gets more challenging to get out of a relationship or whatever you want to call it by the second date. So if you don't have that passion there, if you're not excited, then you want to get out. At that point now, it's important to highlight its not all about you, either. If you're feeling a certain way with a certain person, you're likely to be picking up on some of what they're feeling. And if you have your own issues inside, that make it very hard for you to feel something with someone else at the moment that contributes to. But that's the thing with dating. You just have to keep doing it, and if you're not right inside, then all of your dates are going to tend to not work out. And that's okay, too, because if you just keep doing it at some point, you will be in the right place in yourself, and then you will run across another person who's in the right place themselves. So I hope I can share exactly how difficult this is to just get right and some concrete exit points. If you don't have that passion there, you just want to stop. Just quit. So you've got to close strong with that. I used to say things like, If you don't kiss her on the first date, then you're not a man and all kinds of dumb stuff like that. So I am saying after a lot of dating experience and finally having a go really well one time that the second date is the point where it's time to either kiss or break up. 29. Second date follow up. Give what you want to get or end it!: What do you follow up after the second date? Well, you do the same thing you did after the first day. You plan 1/3 date or you accept failure and move on. And of course, it can be a lot harder after the second date to accept valued and after the first. And that's okay, but its exact same thing. You plan out another date or you stop. If the other person does anything but quickly, within a week or so, plan out another date with you. It's over. You don't want to leave doors open because then you might go on not trying to date other people. Meanwhile, the other person is dating a bunch of other people. So what you want to do is plan out another date quickly. Dating is a game of timing. Timing is the biggest single factor in dating that you cannot control. The best you can do is planned, dates out around a week apart consistently because if you're getting the like each other at some point, you're going to want to see each other more often than that. And that more than likely is where you want to end up committing so the first state seems a second date. Plan out your dates about a week apart, so follow up how you want to be followed up with again. The same is after the first date. No playing games. If you want another date with that person, talk to them. There's no room for things like, Oh, I texted them first last time, so I expect them to text me first. Nope, None of that you follow up how you want to be followed up with if you want to be played games with if you want to be overstimulated and get texted phone calls and just be smothered. If you want that, then go ahead and do it. The idea is you want to treat someone else how you want to be treated, and that's usually with dignity and respect. And I'm saying this from having done it wrong almost every single way. You could do it wrong. I've been this mother. I've been the call bunch in text, a bunch send emails. I've done that. I've also been the game player, the player who didn't say anything for several days after date and forced the girl to try and figure out what was going on with it and call me then. Out of desperation, I've been on every wrong side of how you can do things. You just want to do things, just how I'm telling you if you want it to be easy. If you don't want it to be easy, you can do it. Our view. One. If you want things to be easy, you follow up how you want to be followed up with and that then transcends all races genders, ages, ethnicities, nationalities, sexualities, anything because I know there are a little bit different standards in different place around the world. Some places you might want to follow up immediately, someplace you might want to wait a little bit longer and spread things out a little bit more and go with a little more patience. Some places a few hours might be forever. Some places ah, few days might be not long enough. I don't know the exact standards and expectations were your at. But what I do know is when you follow up, how you want to be followed up with it makes things so easy. So if you want someone to give you a call, then you ought to give them a call and you'll find when you follow up how you want to be followed up with, the other person will either respond how you want or they will stop contacting you. So, for example, if you called after the first date and they planned another date with you and you call after the second date, say, the next day, maybe and then they don't answer, call you back. They don't want to go out with you again. It's that simple. If someone calls me and I want to talk to them, I will call them back now sometimes, like my aunt calls and I don't call her back for a few days. That's okay, too. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't ever want to talk to her again. It often means I'm so self absorbed. It takes me a little while to start thinking of her again. So sometimes things like that will happen, especially if you're younger or older or in a position where that can happen. So you've got to be understanding and you're following up to because you want the other person to be understanding with you don't you. If you are a little self absorbed and you've been going out with three different people and you really liked all of them, it might take you a little longer to call back one of them. That's okay. What you want is to go through the process until it ends. So if you give what you want to get, you always end up putting it on the other person to position it foreign end or have them give you the chance to end it. So it always has a good thing happened when you follow up, how you want to be followed up with, because if they're not returning your calls there, they've set it up so they don't want to go out to anymore. If they return your calls and they don't want to go out again, they've set it up for you again. And if they do, return your calls and you find you're not very excited about it, then it's also set up for you. You know exactly what to do if they call back. And they're kind of like blah. They don't really care, but they just don't want to be mean or rude. Then it's up to you. You know what to do. If you were in that position, wouldn't you want it to be ended? So if you had, for example, this happened to me a lot, I would go out with girls that I kind of liked. But I knew it wasn't where I just could go crazy and love them and be a good husband. I knew that. So I kind of had this blah feeling, so I often would allow them to call me and plan out stuff to do and come over and whatever , and I wouldn't stop it until it some point. I just kind of got honest with myself and said, Look, I know I don't want to keep going out with this girl. Why am I stringing her along? Often? The girl would be really excited, and I'm just kind of like apathetic. That's what I said in the second day lecture before. Apathy is tough because lover hater kind of easy to deal with, but that apathy is present in so many dating situations. If you see apathy in yourself, it's up to you to end it, and that might be the case you're going through right now that you were kind of apathetic about that last date. You didn't hate it enough to know that you don't want to go out with the person. But you don't love it enough to be passionate about scheduling and again. So the second dates a great place to find that. Especially if you made out with them. And it wasn't really that sighting. Please end it. I had that happen plenty of times where it was kind of just like Okay, As if I thought the more I did it, the more boring it got. No, when you're with the right person, it's explosive. Electrically exciting, no matter how much whatever you've done before, so the second date follow up is crucial. Just as the first date follow up in the third day. Follow up. Give what you want to get and you can count on getting the best result and understand. Hardly anything is actually up to you. There's a bigger plan than whatever is going on with you right now. You are part of that bigger plan, so knowing that might make it easier to accept failure. I took it so personally, especially after the second date when it wasn't 1/3 date. And when I like to the girl and I'm sure the girls in opposite situation to get the same And you know what? Now that I'm here with my wife, I can see there was a plan the whole time and I didn't have to suffer so much. I did not have to make it so frustrating every time you don't either. The second date often is going to end in frustration, and it is a miracle if it doesn't so. I hope this has been inspiring for you. I hope I've honestly shared and communicated with you the love, hope and faith I have for your success in dating and what you can do after the second date to successfully land 1/3 1 or to end it and look for someone else. 30. Fall in love with me every day! The power of doing nice things every day.: for having a wonderful happy relationship. The key is doing a little bit every single day. So make me fall in love with you every day, a little bit. I heard a friend complaining a few years ago that his wife wanted him to make her fall in love every day. And he found it frustrating because whenever he tried to do some grand gesture like Do something really nice, for he expected a week off, so to speak, where he didn't have to try very hard. And here's what I can show you that will help put that in perspective in terms of two other things. So here's how I do my work. Every day I make these courses on, you know me. I try and do a little bit every single day, and this is in the last month and 1/2. Now you go down to January 18th which is today. I'm tracking the lectures. I've done so in a month and 1/2. I've done 200 lectures on you. To me, that's over 1000 minutes of HD video I've put up, which is over 10 hours of HD video I've created. Now, if you told, May go create 10 hours of HD video. That sounds overwhelming, but if you tell me to do a little bit every day, go make a few lectures every day. That sounds really easy, doesn't it? I'll have to do is get up in the morning, do a few lectures first thing in the morning, and that's it. And it quickly adds up to a huge total. Marriage and relationships are the same way. Doing a little bit every single day is very powerful. And let me show you what happens on days like this. Days like this bring the average down a lot. So I had five days where I went visiting my mom, and I'm still working on getting my lecture set up so I could do them every day. So let's take a look at the average with these. So the average down here's 5.8 without those days. Now, take the average here with those days, 4.7 in about a month. Here, having five days where I did nothing drags average down by an entire point. That is tough, and days like this, where I do 14 lectures don't even very well make up for because then I got burned out that day, so my dad often would do the same kind of thing he'd have these days where he try and do everything Mom wanted. And then everyone would get burnout. I'll show you another example with making money. So if you're trying to grow business, it helps. This on the left side is a steady revenue growth model with profit, which includes expenses which are estimated not shown here, and then this is one with rapid revenue growth. This applies directly at relationships. Also, look how much money you make quickly in the period of 12 months. If you do slow, steady growth, same way with a relationship. If you do slow, steady growth, that relationship can be incredible in 12 months. Now, look what happens if you try and do this rapid growth. In other words, you see, people just start dating. They're going all over the world. They're doing all these things together. They're spending every moment with each other when a month ago, they didn't even know each other. This is a comparison with the rapid revenue growth model here, and look how this ends up after the end of the year $1000. You barely have something to show, and you've put twice a smudge effort into it. So I've shown you these two because these air very easy concrete examples to understand, at least for me. So what happens on this side is you start your business out, and you very slowly and steadily put a little bit more into it every month. You don't crank up your expenses. In other words, the negative things. Very quickly you Onley, invest what you need to with the expenses, and you very slowly go from one month to another until all of a sudden, by month six, you've got up to about $6000 a month and you're a 25 100 profit. So with relationships, this is the whole model I'm showing you in. This course is a slow, steady growth model by doing a little bit every day, maybe one short phone call a day, one a few text messages a day. You're going out once a week, you're getting to know each other, and when you're in a relationship, you're slowly and steadily building up. What you do together, you don't all of a sudden move in together and spend every single moment together and completely smother each other. What you're doing is slowly and steadily getting mawr integrated. You're giving each other space. This is what happens when you don't give space. You end up having these huge bad things happen, and it's the same in business. When you try and Russian too fast, you'll have a month where these huge bad things happen and in relationships I can speak very much first hand on rushing in and having these huge bad things happen. Now, when you're just getting started with the relationship, you can picture having a few months where it's a little challenging. Where you're having some disagreements were kind of surprised that getting to know the other person, my wife and I had a lot of our most challenging arguments earlier on in our relationship before we got to know each other as much. The idea is you want to do those slowly and steadily in moderation when you can handle them a little bit of the time. What you don't want are months where you just argue endlessly and have an equivalent to like in a business where you have a gigantic loss one month in a relationship. You want slow, steady, positive growth all the time, because months where you have just utter devastation are very hard to get through, and often your relationship might not survive that. Now here's another model that help might make this more clear. So when you do nice things every day, and what I am to do is at least 10 nice little thing. So rather, it's just telling my wife I love her noticing genuinely something she's doing in complimenting her 10 nice little things everyday, sending her a text message at work, giving our call, buying her strawberry Julie's from Dairy Queen. Little nice things every day and not the same nice things. Maybe about 50% the same 50% different. So let's take a look at how this adds up. So if you do nice things daily, this is in the Left column. 10 nice things. Every single day. You don't go overboard one day. You don't stop one day, and let's compare this to what I've seen in a lot of relationships, including my relationships in the past, my parents relationship and ah, lot of my friends and family. This seems to be what's kind of normal. Nice things about four days a week, and I've done this in my relationships quite a bit. So I can tell you the daily works better, But let's look at the numbers. So you have a couple days. Let's call this. Maybe Monday and Tuesday. You just started the week off your mostly thinking of yourself. You're having a hard time doing anything nice for yourself, let alone anyone else. So a couple days, you don't do much. Then Wednesday and Thursday, you put a little time and attention in your partner. You say OK, A few nice things like I love you like getting them a little surprised. Thinking of them a little call or text. It works something nice. And then you have Friday, you go out with the guys of the girls. You don't do much of anything that day for them, and then you spend the whole weekend together and you do a bunch of little nice things for them all weekend. By Sunday, you've spent the day with their family and your family. You spent the whole day trying to do nice things for your partner and you just burn out. So then by the next Monday, you're like, OK, I'm kind of had enough. I just want to go do my own thing and have the data myself. Same thing on Tuesday, and the cycle repeats. So at the same time, you're likely to do something bad every single day. And some of you, you might be saying, Yeah, I'd be lucky if I could only do one bad thing a day. Well, I've put these numbers a little lower just to make them a little more easy to understand, because if I put the numbers up to like 100 nice things a day, it might get a little harder. Whatever. So smaller numbers easier to work with. 10 nice things a day versus four days a week and then one bad thing every day. You were rude. You were inconsiderate. And I know I do at least one bad thing every day. I'm sarcastic. I'm selfish. I'm late for something. Every single day. There's something so watch how this adds up. You do this all year for a year with someone Now, Look, by the end of the year with the 10 nights things a day. You've done 3600 and 50 nice things over the year with doing it in bursts. You've done 2600. You've literally done 1000 less things nice, even though one day a week you do 25 in another day of the week, you do 15 in two days, it's five. It's a huge difference now in the bad things. You've done 365 bad things in a year. Things your partner could legitimately complain about put you down for whatever. Here's the big difference in relationship health. You want to maximize the positive to negative ratio, and it's estimated you need at least seven toe one. But I try and do at least 10 to 1, if not higher. So with the 10 nice things every single day, you're at a 10. No. One ratio of good to bad. That means you can comfortably handle something bad happening consistently. You've got a lot of positive for every one bad thing. Bad things tend to be really potent in stinking a relationship, so the only way you can try and make up for that is to maximize the good. Now let's look at this number 2600. You've fallen significantly below 10 toe one. In fact, if you look at the averages of the numbers, if you go through, you've got an average of 7.14 So you've got around 7 to 1 and you're hovering just barely at the minimum ratio. You need tohave, a good, healthy relationship. Now what happens if, say, a few of these 25 days, you don't do them. Suddenly you've fallen below the ratio and your relationship starts feeling negative. It starts feeling more bad than good. You start wanting to look around for other people. You start being afraid your spouse or your partner's looking around for other people. That's the difference between doing a little bit good every day and having a lot of these days where you do nothing for the relationship. So that's why you have to make your partner fall in love with you a little bit every day. If you want to have an exceptional relationship now, you can get away with lots of different things and still have a relationship that's functional. But if you want to have a really happy loving, engaging relationship in marriage. Doing a little bit every day is fantastically powerful. That's what I do is a little bit every single day, and that's what my wife does. And this relationship is so far beyond anything I imagined could be good, that I feel obligated to share every single thing I know with you, with the hope that you can have it, too. So I hope this has been helpful in sharing exactly what you can do every single day in terms of thinking. Think I want to do 10 nice things for my partner today instead of I want to do something really nice for them this week. There's no reason you can't do 10 nice things for your partner today, and that's pretty much a guaranteed happy relationship if you and your partner can maintain that together. So thank you for going through this with me, and I hope it's been helpful and useful 31. How to have a Happy Marriage + How to be a Good Wife and Husband.: Do you want to have a happy marriage? Do you want to know how to be a great wife, a great husband? And this works for girlfriend or boyfriend or fiance? Also, this is a really good exercise that works for me, and that helps me to not be mad at my wife. And it helps me to love her no matter what. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to have the best chance right now to be the best husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or fiance you can be. Relationships are the biggest part of happiness in life. Relationships are crucial. It's really hard for me to do anything else. If my relationship is not happy, I want you to have that happiness. I want you to feel the love, happiness and joy I feel every day and to know that you can have a marriage that is just amazing, that you can have a relationship that's just amazing. So here's the one exercise that's fantastically helpful for me that I do whenever I find myself being mad at my wife or not being a good husband. All of this is based on the idea that you can Onley be your best self? You can't change or control anything about that other person. If you want to be a good husband, wife, fiance, boyfriend, girlfriend, all you have to do is focus on you and trust the other person to be the best version of themselves. Or trust the other person that they won't want to be around you anymore if they're not right for you. And here's the exercise I used that works fantastically well. So whenever I'm not grateful that I'm with my wife whenever I'm not happy whenever I'm out of swords, this is what I do. And the key to a happy marriage is to maximizing the good and having some kind of exercise or technique that reminds you when you're not doing good. So here's what I do. First, I have to notice I must first notice that I'm not being a good husband. This happens whenever I'm angry, resentful, upset, not loving and caring, not listening. So therefore, it happens often enough. All I have to do is recognize that I'm not being a good husband because if I don't know, I'm being a bad husband. If I'm not even aware of it that I'm completely powerless to actually change it. So if I'm just in a rage and I'm not even realizing I'm being a bad husband, if I'm just ignoring my wife for being really rooting and consider it, then I am powerless to change that. And that often will look from my point of view is if she's doing something wrong. If I ever think my wife is doing something wrong, the fact is I'm doing something wrong because if I can't be loving and understanding with my wife, no matter how she acts, then I'm not being a good husband. So no matter what she does, if I'm loving and understanding off that, then I'm being a good husband. And here's what I use when I'm out of being a good husband when I'm judging her. When I'm not being nice to her, when I'm being inconsiderate of her or any time I'm not in a place where I feel peaceful when I'm being a loving good husband, I feel peaceful. I feel like everything's okay and I know you know what that feeling is. The key is to have some kind of exercise you use when you realize you're not feeling loving and peaceful when you're feeling violent when you're feeling hatred when you're feeling anger, resentment hurt when you're feeling hurt, as if the other person did something wrong. You are the one doing something wrong when I'm feeling hurt. It has nothing to do with my wife. It has to do with me. Oh, poor me. When I'm feeling hurt, it's because I'm not being loving and understanding of her behavior. If I'm loving and understanding of her behavior, nothing she does hurts me. It is okay. Whatever she does is okay. That's what love this. If you have parents, which I would guess you dio, you probably can see love and understanding. There's you've went through your life acting our view wanted, I hope. I know I experienced this with my parents. They were loving and understanding with me, and they still are, regardless of how I behaved. Often, that's the key. So if you're hurt, if you're angry, it's always your fault. It is always your fault. In other words, if I'm angry, I'm hurt. If anything, I'm thinking my wife did wrong. I'm always in a place where I'm not being a good husband because ultimately how I'm feeling is completely up to me. How I'm behaving is completely up to me. It doesn't depend on what she's done or what she's doing. That victim mindset I used for a lot of my life led to a lot of unhappiness. So if you want to be happy in your marriage, you've got to take absolute responsibility for your feelings in your behavior. And this one exercise helps me get out of being hurt. Self pity. 00 or anger or whatever it is. This exercise helps. Here's what it ISS, and Eckhart totally mentions this in one of his recent readings, I listen to and I got this from my mom. My mom's lost my dad last year, so I lost my dad last year. Two. He passed away, and she often has said I would do anything to have another day with your dad, even a bad day. And the more I thought about that that has the secret to a happy marriage in it. Right there. I would give anything to have another day with your dad, even a bad day Mom had to go through and get that the hard way after being married 30 years and after often struggling to have a happy marriage, I'm grateful they somehow made it through all of the challenges to the point where they did till death do us part. It's incredible to me and all of their sacrifice, all of their suffering is there to help me have it a little easier. I don't have to wait until my wife dies to get the same knowledge my mom has right now. My mom already knows the secret to a happy marriage. I would give anything to have just another day with your dad, even on a bad day. That's it. That's all you have to focus on and think about to be a great husband, great wife in any other relationship. So here's how I run that through in my head. So if I'm angry at my wife, I pulled that thought up. I'd give anything to have this moment with my wife. My wife's here. I'm grateful for that. I have this moment already with her. The same is my mom's, wishing for another moment with my dad. I have that moment right now. That's a miracle, and that means whatever kind of dam might call it. That's all I need to remember is that I'd give anything to have this moment. So sometimes the necessary thing to do is fast forward a little bit. Often in life, we think of time travel is going from now to another moment. Time travel is really if you do it the opposite way. If you go from the past into now or the future into now, it's riel. I remember all the times where I would have given anything just to be with the girl of my dreams from about the first memories I have when I thought Minnie Mouse was just the best thing in the world up until right before I met my wife, I would have given anything so many times just to be in a great relationship. That is something. I must remember it all times, and that helps me whenever I'm a little bit off. Whenever I'm a little bit anger whenever I'm not being a good husband, I remember that. Oh, remember how miserable you were when you were 15 and you never thought you'd find a wife? Hey, you got a wife right now. Isn't that awesome? Yes, it is. Does it matter what she just said? No, it doesn't. Remember when you were 15? You said, man, I'd put up with anything. Ah, hot girl did to may Bam any This includes anything. Whatever your wife just said. That's anything. Okay, I'm sorry. And that's how you get back. That's how you get out of being in a bad place. I always have to start with. I'm sorry, because I always did something wrong. If I'm feeling anger with my wife, if I feeling hurt, if I'm feeling anything negative, I always did something wrong. And that's how I get back to it. I go into the past and I go into the future. So in the past. Okay, I'm with I'm in my dreams right now. This is what I wanted for my whole life. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm not appreciating it. I'm sorry I'm not appreciating it, and it works even better going in the future. I usually go to the future first because this is very certain. That wonderful woman is my wife along with me, if I fast forward far enough in the future, I turn into old corpse and then a rotting dead, burned up corpse. I'm dead. My wife's dead, too, and it's not certain who will go first. But if I go far enough into the future, one or both of us is dead now it's easier to do looking at my mom. Dad's already gone in her present right now. They had already died, so I can see into my own future. I'm not sure whether it's from my point of view or my wife's point of view, but I can see very clearly into my own future where one of us has died, and that is a place most married people don't want to go. I see a lot of couples. They're just unhappy, but they don't want to think in the future either. I had a guy yesterday I talked to, and I shared this with, and he just got uncomfortable with the idea of thinking into death like that. Do you want to be miserable right now? Do you want to have a hard time in your marriage right now? Do you want to waste the beautiful moment you have together being pissed off hurt or in some kind of pain? Well, think far enough into the future and you'll find the miracle of right now you'll find the miracle in that your wife or husband is not dead right now. That's a miracle, because that's a certainty. In the future, one of you will leave the other 11 way or another, hopefully not divorce, although that's about as likely or more likely than death. You will leave each other at some point, at least in the physical form. Ultimately, as Eckhart totally shares and I love, we're all one. So in that sense, you're not ever really leaving each other where your form will leave each other. At some 0.1 of you will die or you'll get a divorce. So isn't right now a miracle? By comparison to that, that helps me the most. Whenever I manage, my wife and I had ah, weaker to ago. I was really man it what? My wife One morning, she hadn't done anything wrong. I just was mad at her, and I laid on the couch for two hours being mad, and finally I kept trying to do this, but my mind kept resisting, so I kept doing it again and again and again. And finally my mind gave up, Screamed in surrender said Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm utterly, totally miserable now. Please stop. Please help! I'll do anything to not feel like this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was angry at my wife. I'm sorry. I was angry at my wife. If you don't want to be angry anymore, that's all you have to do. I'm sorry. From the core of your being surrender. Then this worked great for me. Then I let it all out. I cried. I let all that emotional now Men were programmed. Don't cry. And if you watch movies and things And if you see people interacting in real life anytime someone cried like Oh my God, What's wrong? Crying is like throwing up for the emotions. You just throw all of that negative emotion out and it's purged. And then I can be peer again. So I got mad. I thought of all these things I'm telling you. And then I felt utterly miserable. And then I surrendered. I said, Okay. I don't want to be mad anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this all wrong again. I cried. I called my wife. She was still mad. She didn't answer. She let it go to voicemail. I left a very heartfelt, loving voicemail. Look, I'm sorry I was mad at you. I'm sorry I gave you a hard time this morning before you went toe work. I love you. I hope you're doing good. And that's it. And then she listening to voicemail. It took her some time to do the same kind of thing. She called me back. It was fixed. We spent a couple hours being mad at each other instead of days, weeks, months, years. That's the miracle of doing this. If you want to be a good wife, a good husband, if you wanna have a happy marriage, you've got to be grateful for what you have through the understanding you haven't had this all your life and you're not going to have it. Necessarily. One of you's not at least going to have it the rest of your life. So right now is a miracle, right? Now is a time that at some point in the past, you would have given anything to be right here, and at some point in the future you would g anything to be right back here. You've got to see that at all times. If you want to be happy, you must never lose that. As soon as that slips from my consciousness, I slide in tow. Unhappy. The nice thing is, like I said earlier in this, all I have to do is notice I'll have to do is notice I let it slip, and then I can get it back on. What I've shared with the past and the future is a helpful exercise to get it back. Now, if you aren't comfortable going to these places in your mind, you can try something different. However, if you're not comfortable thinking about what you wanted before or what you wanted in the future, you probably shouldn't be comfortable thinking about why you're mad at something your spouse just said or why you might be afraid of what will happen in the future. If you want to go into the past and the future in your mind, go where it helps to go. Go into that point where your spouses died and you're sitting there. I'd give anything to have them back. Okay, I'm back right now. Okay, this. Everything's fine. Everything's just fine. Or in that point in the past, when you thought you were hopeless and miserable and never would find the right personal Okay, this isn't so bad. This isn't nearly that parent. Alright, I'm sorry. I'm not appreciating this absolute complete other responsibility for yourself. You can't do anything more to change me. Then you can to change your spouse. I am grateful. People come to me now and ask me things. After most of my life, I asked other people for helping. No one wanted my opinion. When you have a wonderful happy marriage, people want to know about it. I've just shared with you exactly how I have a happy marriage and it's been work. Getting there mainly work on me. I've had to get myself to the place I'm sharing from now and I want you to be able to go there. I am grateful that I'm in a place to share this with you. And I share this with you to help myself. I don't want to ever forget thes things I'm sharing with you. I do this to help be a better husband myself. So thank you for watching this. I hope this has been helpful for you because I think you have the chance to have an exceptional relationship where you're loved and that starts with having an exceptional relationship where you are loved inside yourself. So I appreciate each minute you've spent watching this and hope this has been helpful. I love to hear what you think of this. Please share with me. What you think in this. If you want me to make more of these, please let me know that I should thank you. 32. What is fantasy, how it hurts sex with your partner and how to stop fantasizing: for having a happy sex life with your partner. The removal of fantasy is very important. So first, what is fantasy? Second, how does that work when it comes to sex? And, third, how do you go about removing it? So fantasy is being somewhere besides now, and it's usually linked with being in some theoretical future time or being in some other reality time for sex. It works like this often when you first learn about sex for me when I was a boy, maybe 11 12 ish, years old. Then the fantasies start and they're linked with masturbation because at first it was just interesting enough to mess around with things like, What does this do? But then, as I got older, then it was more off. Let's add some fantasy element into it. So what if I got with this girl? What would it be like? And the problem is especially for men, but with lots of young women to before you've ever had sex with someone. You've spent years fantasizing about sex. You've spent years doing it yourself, thinking about people who weren't there with you. So you were doing it yourself. Imagining someone else was there, I'd know I did a lot of that. So what I did know from when I was a little kid, I knew that masturbation was bad, but it didn't quite get why no one ever said why it was bad. Why can I mess around with my own equipment and see how it works? Well, I'm telling you now, why the sexual fantasy Part of it is why if you're just masturbating and you're not fantasizing, But if you genuinely just enjoy messing around with your parts, then I don't see anything wrong with that. What I see wrong and especially as applies to me with it, is the sexual fantasy element of it. So this is often coupled with porn and then various things, like role playing or consistent daydreaming sexual thoughts all the time. Sexual fantasy ends up being very debilitating for your sex life, because here's the thing in your sexual fantasies, it's a little bit of suffering because on some level, you know, you're not really they're sleeping with that beautiful person you're thinking about. You know, you're just laying in your batter, you're in the shower or some private place shamefully messing around with your own parts, pretending like they're there. That's what you know it some honest place deep down but on the surface. And I know how many times I've fantasized about being in bed with a girl or being in bed with multiple girls. And I even had some fantasies about guys and those air really shameful the half, because then I really felt like having a fantasy with a girl was okay, But I am being fantasy for the guy was really disgusting. And then I'm a bad person. So that's what happens as you have those fantasies. So that's what sexual fantasy is being in your mind somewhere else from what's going out their body. So with the guy you're often laying and better in the shower or whatever what you're doing in the moment actually does not match where you are with your mind. Your mind is often someplace where a pretty girl or pretty guy whatever is going down on you and the truth is you're sitting there doing it yourself. That's sexual fantasy when you're engaging in sexual acts outside of what actually is happening. So here's how this works in sexual health with a partner So for me, it was 67 years of sexual fantasy and doing it myself exclusively before ever had actual sex. And of course, the fantasies did not match up with the reality at all. But it was such a new experience that I was completely in the moment. I wasn't fantasizing about being with some other girl. I was with the girl I was with and I was there and that continued. Until then, I had a girlfriend and started having regular sex with her. Once I got used to having regular sex with her, to the point where it wasn't new or special anymore where it was. Okay, we've had sex hundreds of times now. Then that sexual fantasy element creep back into my mind. I'd be having sex with her and thinking about her friend or grow I saw at the gym or some six girls. That's Onley logical, because when I've been sexually fantasizing my whole life, it doesn't just go away overnight because I got with someone. It hurts to. It ruins sex when you sexually fantasize, and often both people will be sexually fantasizing about someone else, and that kills of sex life because Neither of you then is paying attention to what's going on. You're just mindlessly pounding away thinking about someone who's not there, and this creeps up on you to it crept up on me and it brings horrible shame because you can't talk about your partner with things like this. How are you going to say to your partner? Look, I was thinking about your friend last night while we were doing it, and then your partner is going to say, That's great. I was thinking about your brother, your sister. While we're doing it, that takes a hell of a lot of honesty that most people are not willing tohave. So in order to make any headway on this, what you've got to do is notice it's happening first. I noticed when I was watching Entourage that when Ari was saying about all these thoughts about other women in relation to having sex with his wife, I was identifying with that a lot, like, yeah, I get that. And now So I've been working a spiritually program, and I've been given the power to see all of my defects, and this was an awful defect. Ah, brutal defect. There's nothing worse than being with the person of your dreams and fantasizing about someone else while you're with them. It's horrible. It sucks. It produces shame. It makes the sex not as good and to be with someone wonderful and then to be fantasizing about being with four other wonderful people at the same time. Like it's just terrible. It misses out on the beauty of what you've got, so there's a solution for it. So if you're having thoughts about sex with someone else while you're having sex with the person you're with, that is an indication of sexual fantasy. You are fantasizing about something that's not riel. If you are in fact having sex with someone and you're thinking about having sex with someone else, that's not riel. You're not having sex with someone else. That's sexual fantasy. And that ultimately ruined sex. You see lots of things. That's why things like 50 shades of grey er so popular because it draws in all those sexual fantasies and guys and girls alike, no matter straight, gay or old young. Whatever race sexual fantasy is ingrained, especially in Western culture, and more of the world's getting ahold of it for better or worse, sexual fantasies ingrained in everything. That's why you see all these characters. They're tailoring your sexual fantasy there, speaking to your sexual fantasy. And it's not to say you won't notice one. Other people are attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's fantasizing about them wanting them. Looking at another person is attractive and saying, I want you, I've gotta have you So what do you do about getting out of sexual fantasy? Because sexual fantasies extremely hurtful to your sex life? I know personally, it produces a lot of shame, Feeling like I'm a bad person, I'm a bad husband. I'm a bad boyfriend. I'm a bad fiance. That's what sexual fantasy produces, and it really socks. Here's how to get out of it. Stop engaging in any sexual fantasy behavior, and I have a spiritually program that helps a lot also, but the most basic behavior you could do a stop engaging in any sexual fantasy behavior. So for me, I'm married, and that means no doing it myself, which you might think Well, why would you need to do it yourself? You've been If you're married, well, I'm sure you could ask a lot of married people that, and they'll give you a lot of different answers. The fact is, I don't need to do it myself while I'm married, and I don't even need to do it myself. I'm single. The sexual fantasy involved in doing it myself bleeds over into having sex with a partner. So I can't just watch porn innocently on my own without then having that fantasy creep into doing it with my partner. And I am grateful to have learned that once I saw that, then I was willing. Okay, I won't do it myself, no matter what, because I know how much this hurts sex with my partner, and I don't that I want to appreciate every moment. The thing is, you want to be in sync sexually with your partner. If you're doing it yourself and they're not or you're doing it yourself more than they're doing it, you're out of sync sexually. You want to depend on each other to satisfy sexual desires because then you don't have to get involved with fantasies. You can stick to reality. This has helped me greatly enjoy each opportunity I have for sex much more because I'm not fantasising. And when I recognize a fantasizing thought, I don't engage with it. I let it pass. So I see a fantasizing thought like, man, Wouldn't it be great to get with her? And I just let it go? I don't grab onto it. I don't fight it. I just let it go. Well, there goes another thought. Next, I stay in the moment. So when you're having sex with your partner, you want to stay in the moment. Don't start thinking about yesterday. Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about how great would be to be with someone else. And you say, Well, I can't control my thoughts. They just come up. You can control whether you pay attention to those thoughts and take those thoughts seriously. So it's one thing to have a thought about someone else, like I want a desire for someone else. But it's another to engage in pay attention to that thought, so I hope this makes sense. I hope this is shed light on something that, for me, was totally in the dark for all of my relationships and the beginning of my marriage, something that was so shameful for me to deal with that made me feel so bad about myself. And I didn't know how to discuss with my partner because she my wife, I feel like has a very good, healthy sexual life that she has grown up with. And I didn't know what to do with my unhealthy sexual life and mainly my fantasies. So I hope this can help you a little bit with understanding that happily ever after sex with your partner is a focus on just sex with your partner and a getting a rid of sexual fantasies. Thank you for spending this time with me, and I hope it's been helpful. 33. Marriage is about the person you marry.: being married is all about who you marry. The same as having a job is all about where you work and having a family is all about who is your family. Where you live is all about the location you're actually in. Everything in life is all relative, and marriage is exactly the same way. Part of the value of this course is breaking down any existing stereotypes, hesitations or negative thoughts you have about marriage. Generally, marriage when you married the right person is a beautiful, miraculous, wonderful thing. It's an official commitment to being more than just yourself. But being part of a team, it's all about who you actually marry, though if you marry the wrong person and by the wrong person, I mean the wrong person for you and for them, you don't make a good team together. If you marry the wrong person. Marriage can be miserable, just like if you work in a company where you're not a good part of the company and they're not good for you, the job can be miserable. So the idea with this course is to break down any existing stereotypes you have about marriage and to start fresh marriage with the right person is one of the best things in the world. Marriage with the wrong person can be utterly miserable. That's why there's so many divorces. The idea of this course is to get you into a frame of mind and into habits and patterns where you can land the right person, as in the right person for you, and you are the right person for them. So marriage is a beautiful thing, and it's all relative. 34. Married people have sex more and enjoy it more: married people have more and better sex. That is a fact. And here is the data to show it two times weekly sex is much more likely to happen if you're married. 40% chance that if you're married, you have sex twice at least each week, when single Onley 20 to 25% and the tables, I'm showing next or even lower. And not only that, but married women are 40% likelier to be satisfied with sex and 50% of married men, versus 30% for single women and 38% for single men. The fact is, married people tend to have more sex and enjoy it more. Here are the big detailed list of the numbers by age and by sex. And if you'll notice the most common thing, single people are about 50% more likely to have not have had sex at all in the past year. Versus married, the number is around 5% in youth and then 10 to 20% getting older, up to 30% in the sixties and 50% in the seventies. That means a married person in their seventies is about as likely to have had sex as a single person from 18 to 20 and the rial opportunity is from 25 to 29. Onley, 1.6% of people married reported not having sex while in the 30 to 39 only 4.5. There's a lot more sex guys air having when they're married and even compared to partnering a lot of people that are partnered or having a lot less sex than those that are married. And the one thing this does not account for very well are outliers, so people that are not normal In other words, it doesn't account for healthy marriages versus unhealthy marriages. More than likely, all of these marriages that are not having sex recently are in unhealthy category and even most of the few times per year to monthly or an unhealthy category. If you're happily married, you're more than likely having a lot of sex. If you're single, you're more than likely not. It's that simple. So the idea of this is just communicate concrete Lee with data that married people having a lot more sex than people that are single and that people that are partnered while they are still having a lot more sex and those that are single there, consistently going without longer than people that are married. And that likely would be the fact that about half or so of people that are partnered end up breaking up and not getting married. So a lot of these partnerships are unsuccessful relationships and a lot of marriages. Air also unsuccessful. But the rate of unsuccessful partnerships is much higher than the rate of unsuccessful marriages, and that rate of unsuccessful marriages is high to begin with. So what you can see is there's a lot more dysfunction and partnerships than marriages. People were married consistently have more sex Now. Some of the partnerships tend to have a bit higher repeat sex, in other words, nearly every day. But they also have a lot higher rates of not having any sex at all. And this is for men. So let's go toe women. It's a lot the same story with women and out of women. Women are even mawr likely to not have any sex at all when they're single. If you go back, you can see most men. We're having sex from 30 to 39 single most women were not having sex from 30 to 39 single. And sex is a very satisfying, wonderful thing to do in life. And the thing is, if you're single, you're not likely to be getting in it all. Especially if you're a woman over 30. That means marriage is where it's at. Look at this. 72% of women single over 30 did not have any sex at all in the last year. Married women on Lee, 6.5% did not have sex in the last year, and partnered women still 14% did not have any sex at all. So the bottom of this table makes it clear marriage has a lot more sex and has it frequently. If you fall anywhere in the married table, you're likely to be doing better than anywhere in the single table and most places in the partner table. Now there are some places where partners have more sex, but overall, the partners air loaded with areas where there's less sex except some of the areas of getting older. And you can see sex is something that happens a lot when you're married. So the whole point of this is when you're married, the data shows you're much more likely to have more sex. And if you're not having sex in a marriage that's almost guaranteed indicator off divorce in a partnership, it's almost a guaranteed indicator. You're going to break up and not be successful. And if you're single, you're not likely to be having much sex either. So happy marriage is about the only place we get to consistently have sex. As a young man, I was really frustrated with my inability to have sex, and I think it might have helped to hear that if I wanted to have more sex, I needed to be married. If I wanted to be married, I needed to find a partner. If I wanted to find a partner, I needed to work on being the best person I could be. That's what this course is all about for you. And I hope this lectures made it clear that if you're single, you're not likely to be having much sex, and that's normal. And if you're married, you're supposed to be consistently having sex, and if you're not, that's not normal. That's bad. That's going for divorce. So thank you for watching this, and I hope this has been helpful