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Tied up

I chose this poem from the Spoon River Anthology :

Eugene Carman

RHODES, slave! Selling shoes and gingham, Flour and bacon, overalls, clothing, all day long For fourteen hours a day for three hundred and thirteen days For more than twenty years. Saying “Yes’m” and “Yes, sir”, and “Thank you” A thousand times a day, and all for fifty dollars a month. Living in this stinking room in the rattle-trap “Commercial.” And compelled to go to Sunday School, and to listen To the Rev. Abner Peet one hundred and four times a year For more than an hour at a time, Because Thomas Rhodes ran the church As well as the store and the bank. So while I was tying my neck-tie that morning I suddenly saw myself in the glass: My hair all gray, my face like a sodden pie. So I cursed and cursed: You damned old thing You cowardly dog! You rotten pauper! You Rhodes’ slave! Till Roger Baughman Thought I was having a fight with some one, And looked through the transom just in time To see me fall on the floor in a heap From a broken vein in my head.

I felt it was about a moment of realisation. A moment of inventory almost. So what got me going was the very question of, what could lead up to such am moment? How could this happen? And how could he realize, that he has become something, that he doesn't want to be?

The picture of tying the neck-tie, while seeing his grey, tired face stuck with me. I thought it would be interesting to tell time with an object like that. And to take the tie as an image on the outside to show an inner situation.

And since I (of course) wanted the script to be as interesting and therefore as detailed as possible, I decided to bring this moment into present times, where I can write easyier from my own knowledge.

Here is a new version of my first draft (with a lot more proper spelling, thanks to some classmates!)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7ohsXd8SSlmYy01aDZ3ci1lbWVJd1pVbTV6RVF1U0owN0ow/edit?usp=sharing

Here is my second draft:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7ohsXd8SSlmby1ycmVpRC1XS1dJRUFVamJieDBUV3Axel9N/edit?usp=sharing

The two things I focused on:

I tried to create more tension with a little backstory of my main character (that still would be connected to the things I already have...)

And, I tried to polish the end a little more.

Still a lot of work to do. ;) But I would like to see, if this is going into the right direction ?

So, I would love to hear some feedback from you! And also, since english is not my first language, please, feel free to tell me any spelling or grammar mistakes. Thanks. ;)

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