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The Pirate Life Is Not For Me

Hi Christine,

I wondered if you could give me some feedback on my story. The idea for this story came from my little cousin and his friends they are 4 years old and totaly obsessed with all things pirate and fireman so I though I would try to merge the two.

You will need to bare with me I am no writer I graduuated as a Grahic Designer about a year ago and I wanted to try illustrating my own picture book.

This is only the first draft so its not great and I find he ending is a little weak. I am not sure if i need to be a little more descriptive or if I am being to descriptive for a picture book. I really need some advise. 

Thanks so much, Claire

Owen dreamed all day long about becoming a firefighter

“When I grow up I absolutely can not wait to be a fire fighter and save kittens from trees, put out ferocious fires and drive the fire truck.” He beamed

“Shiver me timbers son you shall sail the open sea and a pirate you shall be”

A few years later when Owen was a little older it was time to join pirate school

“Go on my boy you will fit right in”

(Owen was so nervous as he walked up the path to school) - illustrated

All the kids were talking about him

“Look at that scallywag”

“Blimey he is no buccaneer”

In class they learned how to hoist a sail, search for treasure, steer the the ship and even how to catch a ferocious croc!

Owen got such a shock he did not want to do any of this he wanted to be a fire fighter and save kittens from trees, put out ferocious fires and drive the fire truck.

On the 4th day of pirate school it was time to board the ship and get proper pirate training.

“Dad I really do not want to go”

“Hush boy - Look here they come, AHOY”

“Welcome aboard little boy”

Day one aboard the ship and there was an attack by a ferocious croc. The little pirates fought it off while Owen hid distraught.

As night drew in and darkness fell Captain Long Beard said get to bed. Owen could not sleep as he was filled with dread of what he might find lurking in his bed.

Throughout the night the ship swished and swayed and Owen wished he was working with the fire brigade.

Owen and the crew woke to an almighty crash and down on the ship came a humongous splash. The bad guys were here the crew ran up with swords swinging left to right it wasn't long until they won the fight. Three cheers for the crew said captain but where is Owens he is nowhere in sight.

Down in the vessel Owen shivered and squeaked he peaked through the porthole and thought the pirate life is not for me at all.

Captain Fish Beard said “one more chance me boy or off the plank you will fall your a cuttroaght pirate the most brave and courageous of them all” 

Owen said "but Captain Fish Beard I dont want to be a pirate I want to be a firefighter and save kittens from trees, put out ferocious fires and drive the fire truck"

The next again day as Captain Fish Beard slept he snored so loud and wiggled and twitched he knocked over a candle with one big kick.

Underneath the deck the blaze grew and grew Captain Fish Beard yelled “OH NO WHAT DO I DO”

The crew ran down the stairs and seen the blaze “shiverme timbers” they all said in a daze

Scared and screaming they ran up stairs “theres a fire oh what do we do”

This time Owen knew exactly what to do he ran for the buckets full of water and in one big splash the blaze turned to ash.

Captain Fish Beard yelled “Three cheers for Owen!!! You are so smart and really are a fire fighter at heart”

The next day Owen returned home and told his father all about his time aboard the Pirate Ship.

“Oh son well done - you must head to fire training school tomorrow”

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