Where to start...
Maybe with the basics...
I have been asked by Susan Orlean to write 3 pages worth of mysterious material about the most mysterious person I know. But, how can I write about someone I don’t know? I guess I'm going to have to use my imagination. Here is some nonfiction writing ladies and gentlemen.
Well it starts with me before I was born swimming handsomely in an uncharted territory, swimming along side with my brothers and sisters, or me 1,2,3,4,5,…..
I bet you would like to see how I was conceived, I know I wouldn’t.
Fast forward 9months and out pops a baby, I'm guessing into my daddy’s hands, or some mysterious persons hands I know nothing about, (smack the babys bottom and let him sing you a symphony) Now I'm awake, ahh the light, me likey run run run in circles they cant catch me, ohh what's this I'm wearing a shirt..
“Yeah that’s a girl shirt” (I heard coming from distant mum, no sign of my daddy though)
Huh I never knew boys could wear girl shirts.. Oh well off I go run run run RUN RUN RUNning into a snake with my 2 siblings Dylan and Jenna,
“quick Kyle cry or the snake will eat us” I burst into tears and out of nowhere daddy comes galloping over like some well I don’t even know what, this is a mysterious story folks, Take a guess how he galloped over.
Alright that’s enough of that.. “and theeeen” I said that’s enough of that “and theeeeen” what? “and theeeeen” OK OK calm down; and then, I got it!, my daddy came galloping over like Rambo and completely annihilated the snake with one quick look of pure hatred. The snake was never to be seen again...
Now where was I.. Oh that’s right “and theeeeeeeeeen”
Now fast forward to me in bed not knowing what I'm doing and my daddy comes in and goes to give me a kiss goodnight but me being me shut up the covers and wouldn’t let him in; so he storms off and the kisses were to never be seen again. NEVER AGAIN!. You know that feeling where you just get left like a heap of bricks. Yeah I created that feeling.
“I’m so looooonely, oh I’m so looooonely”
I’m never coming out! Said the velociraptor. “Come closer and give me a kiss little one” Pssshhh beat it gramps. Tehe
THUMP THUMP THUMP.
Now here’s me running down the hallway needing to take a dookie and as I approach the hallway my dookie decides it’s time to meet its maker and starts to slide out further and further inch by inch as each foot hits the tiles... I made it half way. Halfway to the toilet, just as I hear that thunder crashing and lightning banging on my draws I knew it was to late; the dookie had made its grand entrance and I was no more. My daddy had to come over and sweep me off my feet clean the dookie out of my drawers and put a nappy on because I was no longer a Big Boy!!!! WEEEEAAAHHH!
Alright now this is it, you’re about to get a piece of the mystery person. Me! I’m the mystery man because without I, you couldn’t have me and you, or you and I or us or anyone for that matter. Because this story wouldn’t exist! But according to my calculations this story has been created and re-created an infinite amount of times and another infinite on top of that infinite because that infinite wasn’t big enough HA! HA! Take that science! and don’t you think for a second you can fool me because I’ve already beaten you over an infinite amount of times, take THAT Neil Degrass Tyson take THAT famous Asian theoretical physis I can’t remember the name of, we’ll just call him old mate and take THAT Mr Joe Rogan the man who trips like there’s no tomorrow. Well I got news for you Mr Joe Rogan, THERE IS A TOMORROW and a tomorrow after that and another tomorrow after that one, hell there’s an infinite amount of tomorrows and there’s nothing yall can do about it. I win. The game is over. You can all go home now, tata!
Alright where was I...
Ahhh yes that’s right the monkeys, wait no no! Not the monkeys I'm a kid in my room playing the games and the toys and the oh that’s right my daddy where is he? Boy he working! he working for 6 people and don’t you ever forget! Hmm I guess that was all my imagination, there are no monkeys! But I’m still sitting here playing with my toys and daddys still working. Aint it funny how the world works. work, play work, play, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, play.
That’s enough of that back to the mystery man, ME!
Now fast forward 2009 Mum, Dad, Ryan sitting on the couch and me walking by unsuspectingly walked into a questionnaire and never in my life have I felt so anxious and uncomfortable, my family wants to know what I do at school and there's no way around it, just straight up blunt questions.
“What do you get up to at school?”
“Ugh, lots of stuff”
“do you still hang out with Lane”
“why don’t you ever sit with us?”
And off to the gaming station I went.
Whhueeh, I hate feeling like that. Glad I got away from that...
Now rewind back to 2007 and my daddy wants to know if I need help with my homework, psssshhh home works for chumps.
Out of my mind playing cod4 like there was no tomorrow no present no future just straight up Call Of Duty, reeking havoc on everyone. They had no escape I was encapsulated in this a slave to the game there was no way you could tell me any different, this was bliss. Serenity, nothing could beat it. If you tried telling me any different I'd just get that kill feed and jump jump jump duck duck duck, drop shot,
“ahhh you fucking noob, why not play like a real man”
Pssshhh you couldn’t stop me even if you tried.
This was after I quit football(NRL) of 3 years and built a bunker in my room to lay endless waste to all the noobs who popped up on my screen, it was more real then anything I have experienced.
Daddy comes along and asks why I no more want to play the NRL? (I shrug)
Now to the time I actually felt alive and didn’t just think it.
Playing the NRL smashing everyone who came into my path... it was FUN F.U.N running it down mid like some type of bull a bull full of energy and one you couldn’t compete with unless you had some kind of inherited talent, I smashed kids like they didn’t know what FUN was. Hazzy always off to the side line Yelling
“GO SON!, GO SON!”
Daddy probably just standing admiring from afar, that’s if he wasn’t busy at work, work, work, work
Run, side step, tackle, sprint; couldn’t kick though, that was beyond me no one seemed to mind though, we had people for that. I could kick my little brothers ass all over the field though, he was an NRL’er too he was good like me, my older brother not so much, he struggled. Mum and daddy seemed too... I dunno ‘enjoy’ ‘complain’... proud of us?
I think I might end this with the mystery man, if you haven’t guessed yet it’s my dad and daddy don’t like nothing. NOTHING!
Written By Kyle Phillips