Stammering is not a who I am


Stammering. It greatly affects your life and the way you live it. Stammering is not just about speech impediment, it is about social anxiety, fear of speaking, fear of being laughed at, even if no one laughs, you still feel like a laughing stock. There are times when you can't even pronounce your own name. As a result I became completely speaking averse. I would be petrified if I am called out to answer a question in class or to read out loud a paragraph. It was an ultimate agony for me. Stammering was really depressing. I loathed it. I cried uncountable amount of times. I am eternally grateful to my unconditionally loving family. I wish I never had it.

I envied other people who could easily speak with no impediment in sight, yet stammering made me who I am today. In our minds we always dramatise and see life through a prism of self-pity. Now I rarely stammer. I came to a conclusion that stammering isn't who I am. It doesn't define me as a person. I am so much more besides it. I used to hate every moment when I had even a slightest stammer.

Now I realise that I have been incredibly depreciating. I wish I had more laid back approach to my stammer. If you stammer, it is okay. You can eventually work it out. Believe in yourself. People are more accepting than you think. Be bold. Be brave. Be unapologetically yourself. I am trying to head in that direction. 

It is hard to accept, but discipline is important and facing your fear. Seeing it as it is. Not dramatising it, not diminishing it. Even though it is scary, it is uncomfortable, you feel resistance to do this, you feel like you will fail, that you are not ready. Set it aside and give it your best shot. Even if it is not as perfect as you've imagined it in your head and reality is that it never will. We conjure this perfect pictures, when everything goes without a glitch. That's is not a reality. The fact is that you need to be flexible and adapting. I am learning to do this. You most likely will not be able to reconstruct yourself in a day. It is a process. It takes time and effort. 

I wish I have been more disciplined when I was younger. Willingness is also of utmost importance. If you are not really willing enough, it won't work,  If you are not whole heartedly in it. 

Also one of the reasons I was getting utterly upset is cause I had this perfect me in my mind, I wasn't accepting myself, in fact It turns out I was constantly rejecting myself. I couldn't face the fact that this is my life. That this is who I am. From now on I will not make something else of myself that I am not for the sake of others. From now on I give unconditional love and acceptance to myself, although that doesn't give me an excuse to do nothing. I am still on the path of self-improvement, but simply with a new perspective.