Sexual Healing, Shlimazel Style | Skillshare Projects

Kristy Burnette

Writing without a Creative License



Sexual Healing, Shlimazel Style

Please Note: My project is not in competition. It is not ready. Thank you for your understanding. 


A middle aged virgin, feeling life has passed her by, finally gets her one-in-a-million chance to date a handsome movie star, who may not be who she fantasizes he is. 


KELLY THOMPSON is referred to DR. MARVIN "MENTSH" HEIDELBAUM for sex related depression (that her insurance will not pay for). She is desperate, lonely and broke, but still funny. Marvin feels compassion for Kelly, who perceives herself as ugly and unlovable with no sex skills. Marvin chalks it up to low self-esteem and lack of experience. Like Marvin says: "You don't expect a guy who hasn't seen the interior of a gym since 1995 to try out for the Olympics and actually make the team." 

Kelly and Marvin know Kelly believes she has to be perfect to be worthy of true intimate love. Marvin warns her, until she gives up her false belief, she will be "safe from rejection, but also hostage to her darkest fears." Kelly asks: "Can I die of a combination of hormonal imbalance and insanity?" Marvin replies: "Well, I'd guess your chances of becoming a homicide victim would be slightly higher." 

During regressive hypnotherapy, Marvin discovers Kelly's fantasy lover is his own nephew, a handsome movie star, JAY COHEN. Marvin decides to set up an old fashioned date between Kelly and Jay. Marvin knows Kelly lives to be made love to and his nephew has (fill in the blanks) over half the population of Los Angeles. Marvin figures the worst that can happen is Kelly will enjoy dinnner at a five star restaurant with a guy who can afford an Armani suit and pay the bill. The worst that could happen for Jay is the media will say he must not be gay after all since he's with a "civilian" or "nobody"; therefore, concluding he HAS to be bi-sexual OR still deeply conflicted about being a closeted gay man who feels compelled to date nobodies who nobody, including Jay, should care about OR both. 

Kelly is attracted to Jay not because he's a handsome movie star but because he's a sexy, gifted actor. Marvin warns her that actors are dangerous company because they can "role play" in real life when it serves them because they have learned the "skills" and tricks of the trade. Jay is known to have bragged to his conquests: "I can make you believe anything for two hours in a theater and you don't believe I haven't figured out I can convince you of anything when a screen no longer divides us? Woman, I make miracles out of magic and get PAID (millions) for it." 

Jay agrees to date Kelly, normally or what passes for it. Being a handsome movie star, he has yet to find someone who won't sleep with him on the first date and/or hook-up (restroom encounters included). He assumes Kelly will be like the rest because none of Jay's groupies and love-of-his-moments have ever taken those big, dreamy, blue eyes seriously. He feels unreal to them and he's right. 

Still assuming Kelly will be no different from his over 800 other conquests, Jay complicates the arrangement by stipulating that Kelly, if she really wants to be seduced by a handsome movie star with more proclivities than bacteria, must be willing to be filmed "in the act." Knowing Marvin holds grudges, Jay agrees if it starts to feel "icky," the mandatory pre-date blood testing, the seduction, the filming, and the date itself will come to an end (a place Jay is not a stranger to).  

Marvin is horrified to discover that in order to "feel alive," his nephew has an around-the-clock documentary film crew filming his entire life. Marvin laments: "He not only works in front of a camera; his life is one endless film-reel without intermissions in front of yet another camera." Marvin tragically realizes the novelty of Jay potentially deflowering a 50-year-old virgin in love with Jay's image would hold as much significance to Jay as him flossing with a new brand of threader or jogging with his neighbor's Shar Pei.

While Marvin edges closer to a meltdown, Jay informs him that "there's a difference between an ennobling mercy laying and a degrading pity fuck and I'm the man to show the world how to do it." Jay's inner emptiness and darkest desires have driven him from "another handsome movie star making a salacious though critically panned as too generic sex tape starring yet another handsome movie star" to a man willing to do anything just for the perceptions, opinions, misinterpretations, misconceptions, actions and reactions of others (most of whom never care to begin with). Jay has become a media masochist and an addicted attention whore: the worse his press, the more Jay can't get enough of self-annihilation. 

Marvin, too, is flawed, though, having had an affair with his colleague's wife, which nearly cost Marvin his license (after Marvin confessed to letting his clients hug him, the jury voted "guilty as hell"). Trying to start over for a second time, Marvin's license may again be in jeopardy: psychotherapists aren't supposed to set up their clients on dates with handsome movie stars. 

The film crew on Jay's payroll routinely "go against what's left of our collective conscience" because Jay is their source of economic survival. They realize Jay, like the Great Gatsby, is a man with few friends who is in need of friends. They know they are the closest thing there is to being those needed friends. They argue Kelly is a consenting adult who can walk away if it becomes too much for her to handle. 

Deeply disappointed, Marvin warns Kelly that dating Jay may put Kelly in jeopardy of becoming a momentary sideshow circus freak to be exploited by malicious filmmakers, money-mad media, and an increasingly apathetic public that's grown too weary of seeing it all at least twice to do anything about it. Marvin realizes his nephew needs more help than Kelly does. 

While at first Kelly is shocked and horrified about Jay's lifestyle, she quickly has a change of heart. Kelly declares herself "a consenting adult who has seen plenty of sex - simulated, but it still counts according to the Catholic Church - on late night Cable TV." Kelly believes her fear of sex is rooted in her false perception that it is "nasty, humiliating and degrading," to which Marvin pleads, "If you have sex with Jay Cohen, I assure you it will be all those things and NOT simulated, either, but probably will end up on late night Cable TV!" Kelly even convinces herself that what once repulsed her may now turn her on. Thinking of his role in the assured debacle, Marvin laments: "Oh, God, after what I've done to this poor misguided soul, I'm NOT facing myself, much less facing You!" 

When Jay and Kelly finally get to know each other, they become real to each other in ways that neither has experienced. Men rejected Kelly without giving her the chance to give her love to them. Women accepted Jay only as their handsome movie star fantasy lover (who they made pay for everything with his American Express gold card). Their real selves finally have the chance to meet a kindred soul and fall, gently and softly, into a special kind of love: compassionate understanding. 

Kelly finally makes Jay realize he is only desperately trying to fill an aching void that Kelly knows well. She tells him that he's futilely trying to capture immortality by documenting what is merely a mortal life never intended to remain eternal by the nectar of the gods. She tells him: "You're trying to hold on to life while avoiding living it. I'm trying to live life with life avoiding me."

Now wanting to protect Kelly and keep her untainted, Jay is confronted with Kelly's newly embraced determination to go through with it, even if Jay's seduction and Kelly's deflowering end up on late night Cable TV (and, more tragically, without residuals). Kelly tells Jay there is "something deep inside of me that's begging for release, no matter how shocking or stunning its escape may be." She tells him: "My fear is the fire I have to walk through to make it - or not make it - to the other side. I've got to know and I can only find out if I try." 

Suddenly all three - Kelly, Jay and Marvin - deal with complete role reversals none of them saw coming. Jay goes from "scintillating idea" to "vulgar manifestation" while Kelly goes from "vulgar idea" to "scintillating manifestation." Kelly refuses to give up, not after 50 years. Kelly asks Jay: "What's the real difference between nude and naked? They're the same thing, but we all know a naked, gurgling baby isn't the same as a grinning nude porn stud with a cock-ring in his 11-inch penis." Jay replies: "God, I never thought I'd think of a cock-ring on an 11-inch penis the next time I see my brother's gurgling, naked baby." He finds it equally hard to believe Kelly noticed the furniture a grinning nude porn stud with an 11-inch penis was sitting on. Kelly chides Jay: "So the seen sex act always makes it vulgar? I remember when you told me that was my false belief." Jay replies: "Come on. That was, like, thirty minutes ago." 

Kelly knows she'll never be Mrs. Kelly Cohen and she doesn't want to be. She knows Jay, a gifted actor, can make her feel like a sexy woman for the first time in her life even while she perceives herself as a lady monster. Logic doesn't apply to a lonesome, broken heart that grows lonelier and more broken with each passing day. Kelly craves that elusive moment where bodily sensation meets otherworldly transcendance, either by means magical or miraculous. 

Just that moment, captured in time on film or in memory, will make all the difference the next time Kelly lifts her gaze to meet a man's eyes and, instead of quickly turning away to hide a lady monster, she will be bold enough to gaze back at someone real who is right in front of her, someone who is as real and imperfect as Kelly. Someone with whom she may experience the spiritual redemption and empowerment of sexual healing that are the joy of true intimate love. 

Jay is her rite of passage to womanhood, Kelly's threshold of fire to be crossed to that elusive redemption, empowerment, and ultimate sexual healing. On the other side, Jay comes to see Kelly as an otherworldly connection to a better, more meaningful life of depth, truth, and emotional resonance. Two very different strangers whose souls understand a common uncommon language. Jay may even be the one who introduces Kelly to the man who will ultimately take her there.  


KELLY THOMPSON spent her youth and beauty taking care of her elderly mother. By the time she had earned her inheritance, her youth and beauty were gone and she was still broke. She attempted to move away from her home town, where having sight is the most common form of birth control or to have sex with someone other than yourself (only if you're at least 18). 

To escape her dreary, painful existence of being surrounded by teenagers who show more crack than smoke it and a gay male drama teacher who insists most Broadway male dancers are "straight as a Rockette, I mean ROCKET ... and a really long one," Kelly fantasizes about being in the sinewy, tatted arms of the dashingly delicious JAY COHEN, a handsome movie star who ugly rumors say "first takes your breath, then just steals your money and leaves your heart and your wallet broken." It is through her fantasy encounter with Jay that Kelly comes to know - and finally be - her true self. 



MARVIN "MENTSH" HEIDELBAUM, Ph.D., supposedly almost had his professional license revoked and/or "consensually surrendered" in one state due to his "hands-on healing" approach to sex avoidants (all of whom later claimed to have become "sex addicts"). He claims Marvin Gaye was "a shaman telling it like it is," and has allegedly awarded himself an honorary certificate from the non-existent Marvin Gaye Mail Order Only Academy of Sexual Healing. Marvin still believes Judd Hirsch was "robbed" of the Academy Award for ORDINARY PEOPLE. He remains happily married despite his "giving my soul - and a few of my body parts - to my clients" and the fact Marvin continues to wear a Star of David jogging suit to work every day. He has openly criticized his sister, Honora Heidelbaum Cohen, for telling her sons of potential girlfriends: "If she's M.O.T., put a condom on it. If she's not, put a yamaka on it, too." 



JAY COHEN, a handsome movie star by trade and reputation, undoubtedly had to have been adopted to be Dr. Marvin Heidelbaum's nephew. He frequently lies to impress others, especially people who don't really know him but think they do. He currently lies about how easily persuaded he was to deflower a middle age woman with a boring lifestyle and cottage cheese thighs as long as he could turn it into "an event' and a controversial documentary film that will keep Jay in the headlines of the future. Jay vehemently denies he said: "There is a difference between a mercy laying and a pity fuck and I'm the man to show it" (although the statement was traced back to his ISP address).

Jay, much smarter than his absorbent, dreamy, blue eyes may portend, ensures his agent will "keep this shit from deteriorating into experimental basement laboratory porn" and demand that only Jay's good angles be displayed at all times. Jay and his agent are currently battling over if the agent can take "10% off the top for doing both."

Jay is honest about some of the lies he tells, but usually only with his family who he needs far more than he shows it. Deep down, Jay is an empty, insecure soul who is in as much need of redemption in his extraordinary life as Kelly is in her ordinary one. Little does he know how much his encounter with her will impact who he thought he really was and now who he realizes he is really meant to be. 


Self-explanatory. Cue Dr. Marvin Gaye from the spirit world of sexology. 


JOE COHEN, younger brother of handsome movie star JAY COHEN, says he did not find it "anti-Semetic at all when I told my gentile friend I was looking for our friend Israel and he asked, 'Searched the Gaza Strip?' That guy never spoke to me again after Mom got him back by tricking him into a seder supper."

JIMMY COHEN, youngest brother of handsome movie star JAY COHEN, says when he thinks of what it is to be a Jew, he thinks of his parents: "When my brothers and I were taunted that Jews are lousy athletes, our dad, Jack, took us to the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame to prove them wrong. It was open only on Wednesday and was one room. I couldn't believe how good our people must be at counting cards, because I never thought of gambling as an Olympic quality sport. Dad always says, 'Be honest we know how to count money. Lie if they bring up anything about cards.'" 

"Our mom, Honora Heidelbaum Cohen, is the only woman any of us boys could ever truly love, she says because she intentionally taught us to be unlovable by anyone else. I love it when I bring home a homely girlfriend and Mom asks, 'Do you want your children to look like that?' Then when I bring home a beautiful girlfriend, Mom says, 'Out pops one bubala and there goes that silicone-enhanced figure!' I tell Mom I don't even know what a bubala is. She'll say, 'Use your Yiddisher Kop and quit this one. She's making you even dumber.'" 

"Jay has always been my hero and idol. He used to get beaten up at school by bullies who taunted him, calling him 'pretty boy" and 'girlie guy' and 'fey gay' and 'airy fairy' and 'pussy pucker' or 'pussy pecker' - I forget which, but some were pretty good put-downs. Jay was better looking than half the girls in his class. Hell, he was prettier than any of the girls in my class. Mom asked Jay why he was so down and he shouted back: 'I'm depressed, Mom! I'M SUFFERING ... A LOT!' Mom snapped back: 'That does it, Job-Wannabe! You think Jonah had anybody to complain to when he got himself swallowed up into the belly of Shamu? Don't you think Moses was just a little pissed he did all the work and then was the only one who didn't benefit from it? That's like if your father and I earned money by being incarcerated at some charity concentration camp all summer and the Rosenblooms - God heal my soul - got the money instead and went to Hawaii. You're spending summer camp at Dachau. Then come home and tell me about suffering.' Mom said: 'Next time remind those lower intellect gentiles who really are God's chosen people: Einstein. Freud. Allen. Cohen. The Coen Brothers. Kubrick. Kissinger. Ben Stiller, the Jewish half. Meir. Streisand. Hamlisch. We've got 'em all.' I loved how Jay just looked at me and with a twinkle in his eye, replied: 'In comedy and accounting, of course; in curling and ice hockey, not so much.' Mom shouted back: 'Everybody knows beer-guzzling Canucks are on both God's addendum and do-over lists! If any of them had a lick of thawed sense, do you think they'd voluntarily stay in an Arctic outpost?'"  

"There was that time, too, Mom and Dad took us to see FIDDLER ON THE ROOF and Mom almost punched Dad's lights out for accidentally calling it FIDDLER ON THE ROAD. Mom was real big into us embracing our Jewishness. That's when Jay asked, 'If we hug it, will our people stop singing so we can go home? Their money problems aren't as bad now because we've just paid 'em!'"  

"I love being a handsome movie star's youngest - and Jewish! - brother. People give him things all the time because he pretends to be just like them, only a lot better looking at it. It's great. It's almost like they're giving themselves gifts or at least that's how Jay sees it before he either donates it or gives it to me." 


DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW MEMBERS admit to being "frequently bamboozled again" into "another experimental gig that we never know will involve skin-popping or skinny-dipping" by the handsome movie star. One of the most honest members goes as far to say: "Hey, man, we gotta sleep somewhere and he's got like forty sofas! Everybody knows the more famous you are, the more furniture they horde from others and blame it on how bad they had it economically growing up in Brentwood with only six sofas. Jay says it has something to do with statistics, economics, societal decline, and numerology." 

Another crew member admits: "Deep down, in his heart, Jay's a closet documentarian. He believes somehow his soul got mixed up with the bodies of Michael Moore and Ken Burns. I hate to say it - I'm not gay or anything - but God knows I'd rather see Jay in a Speedo making out with some blubber-lipped chick who can't act than Moore or Burns!" (This writer STRONGLY disagrees about sex-on-a-stick, Ken Burns, making out with anyone while wearing a Speedo.)



After longing for a man to actually touch her hidden doll parts and finally getting a shot at prime time man-meat, Kelly downs a few drinks and flirtatiously warns Jay that a conspiracy between her clitoris, Pearl, and her vagina, Precious, may cause human combustion. Jay worriedly confides to a friend: "I've never been with a woman flaky enough to name her breasts, much less her clitoris and vagina! I confess it's turning me on in a freaky-deaky sort of way. I mean, are her un-named vulva and labia like the overlooked, bald roadies for a hair band?"

Jay survives what he will fondly look back on as "my night of sexual ecstasy, Tantric transcendance, and over thirty orgasms with The Moaner Lisa." Kelly adds: "The more I think about it, the harder I can't help but smile." Adds Jay: "The more I think about it, the harder I get, but it's not my smile I'm thinking with."

But does Jay "lie" it's not being filmed by installed cameras after the documentary crew have long gone back to sleeping on his bevy of sofas? It's a conundrum for Kelly, who still clings to her belief that Jay's not quite the cad that he (and others) are all too willing to paint him. Could Jack and Honora Cohen's son turn out to be the conscience-less cad who his worried uncle feared he may be or the good son, the mensch, the Cohens tried so hard to nurture Jay to be? 



HONORA HEIDELBAUM COHEN is also the sister of an unorthodox sex therapist, a fact that if brought up during card games gives her immediate right to retaliatory cheat. While promoting her first book of original holiday horticulture ornamentation, Honora inevitably begins every interview: "Hello, my name is Honora Heidelbaum Cohen and, yes, I did not bring up my handsome movie star son to earn fame, fortune and intergalactic power to become the Larry Flynt of his generation."

Honora continues: "If he says otherwise, to the likes of Howard Stern or the lingering Ghost of Joan Rivers in a bitchy mood, he is lying and I am the one who knows because I am his mother. That's what nags him the most: I always will be. When I say always will be, I mean both 'always his mother' and 'always right.' Thank you for now asking about my gift book full of creative horticulture ideas for festive seasonal occasions." 

Many cult followers of the Jay Cohen-Kelly Thompson fantasy-manifestation date/hook-up have asked (definitely not about Honora's gift book) but how all three of her splendid sons have managed to become successful professional actors. Honora inevitably replies: "They inherited all their acting ability from me. I took one drama class in college and made an A plus for my excellent elocution. I was voted second best in pronounciation, especially of words I never bothered to learn to spell correctly. It was a drama - not a literature - class. The key to not getting caught is knowing how to do right what you already know is wrong." 

Honora adds: "I told Jay, my oldest, 'Son, there are 3,054 actors who will get the role instead of you.' Then he gets the role and tells me: 'Mom, you were off by 3,053.' I told Joe, my middle son, 'Son, there are 3,053 actors who will get the role instead of you.' Then he gets some TV pilot where he can gain all the weight he wants and still get paid millions. He tells me: 'Mom, you were off by 3,052.' I told Jimmy, my baby boy: 'Son, there are 3,052 actors who will get the role instead of you. Jimmy tells me: 'But Mom, I just had Jay and Joe on speaker phone. They said you already know I'm too dumb at math to answer your question and they're already two in the business despite the odds, so they got the role for me!' I love my three sons: Jay, beauty and brain; Joe, brain with no beauty; and Jimmy, beauty with no brain."

When asked what had kept all three of her sons from becoming professional porn stars, Honora inevitability answers: "They inherited that from their father and my deeply beloved husband, Jack. Remember, I'm Jack's wife and I'm Jay, Joe and Jimmy's mother. All the CGI prosthetics in the world could turn my sons into ballerinas before they'd make them porn stars!" 

STUDENT DISCLAIMER: Like my imaginary heroine, Honora Heidelbaum Cohen, I am well aware that references to copyrights, famous people, etc., are not permitted in spec scripts. I do have Honora's permission to use said copyrights and famous people in this off-the-cuff introduction. I really don't want her to refer to me as 'a Goy, Annoy.' If there are legal violations, I am well aware I am on my own, but she can refer me to a good attorney if necessary. 

Also, as a gentile, I don't believe it is wrong to joke about and with Jews. Even though I possess no Jewish lineage (to my knowledge), I have considerably more Jewish converts than anti-Semites in my family (thank God, both His Christian and His Jewish Halves). I am a long and ardent admirer of the Jewish people, most especially their spiritual outlook on the worldly suffering that has been inflicted on them by ignorance and evil.

Perhaps Honora is a little bit of me striking back at that, which I have always perceived as cruel, unjust and plain wrong. The dark humor among her and her family, I have happily witnessed firsthand and it was better than any TV comedy. (It was happily pointed out to me: "Those TV comedies? Written by our people.") 

I joked with a rabbi to please help me make this project "feel more Jewish." He laughed and said, "To make more fun of my people? NEVER." Then he paused and added: "Unless you're offering more than bupkes." If he keeps it up, I just may convert to the religion that did right by Joan Rivers. 

Remember: The Journey is the Destination. 


Here's my first draft:

Here's my second draft:

Here's my third draft:


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