Self Discovery

My pie chart today: Day 1Self Discovery - image 1 - student project

Like me, it's kind of a mess. I started with my mental health issues because they impact so much of my day to day life. Bipolar disorder 2, PTSD, and Anxiety affect every relationship, every interaction, my entire world. Next I filled in my breakup after 9 years together, a slice that includes losing all of my friends, and some dude named Liam. After that I went on to my father's abuse, which I illustrated with the three part litany that I hear in my head: that I'm ugly, that I'm stupid, and that no one will ever love me. I'm (mostly) past the latter 2, but I don't know that I'll ever overcome 1. Next I filled in my mom's passing. It was a little over three years ago now but it's still raw and painful. In this slice is a little section dedicated to everyone who made that already-awful event worse than it had to be, including my aunt, my father, my boss, and my ex. Beside that section I have two standalone sections, Imposter Syndrome and Mockery. Regardless of what I'm doing I always feel like a fraud, and am terrified that everyone everywhere who ever sees me, or my work, is mocking me mercilessly. Adjacent to that I have the Siblings section dedicated to my brother and sister, who I try very very hard to be strong for, and who I am really proud of. In that section I also have pets because they are family too. My hobbies of video games, art, and reading are represented, and the final section is dedicated to Love, which encompasses my fiance Steven as well as isolation. I have a tendency to shut everyone out any time I'm struggling and I need to work on that.

My heart and brain: Day 2

Self Discovery - image 2 - student project

Currently I work for a government agency that is - as yet - unaffected by the US government shutdown. However, word around the office is that we have operating funds through February 9. This fact, coupled with me being a contractor on a contract that hasn't been renewed yet and expires February 1, is heavily on my mind and heart today. I lost my job a little less than a year ago (where I had been for 4.5 years), and started my current job in March so I was hoping to have at least a year before I had to worry about this again. My heart holds my love for art and music, my fiance and my pets, my friends and my hobbies - however the anxiety over my job and wedding (coming up in May) and my health stress is really taking a toll. Always on my mind is my self-hatred, apathy, depression, and anger. I've also become addicted to World of Warcraft again, much to my dismay.