I started over - in the vein of The Onion. Feedback welcome of course.
Area Woman Realizes She's Just Not That Funny
In a surprising turn of events early this week, Delilah Robbins, 34, realized she's just not that funny.
Sources close to Ms Robbins say they had suspected the truth for awhile, but cite a combination of conflicting evidence and not wanting to hurt Ms Robbins, who is purported to be a highly sensitive narcissist, as the source of their unwillingness to come forward sooner.
'I've known Delilah for a few years now,' says Aaron Calder, 38. 'We're running partners and I always thought she was pretty funny because she used to say these pretty out there things - like how stupid people should be euthanized. I thought she just had this really extreme and shocking sense of humor and her timing was pretty great... but when I showed her some videos of goats screaming like humans, she said she just 'didn't get it' and then I knew something was up. How can you not think screaming goats are funny?'
Ms Robbins claims she had been working on the assumption she was on the high side of hilarity based on almost 20 years of comments from friends and acquaintances including, 'You're like the Indian Ellen Degeneres!' and the recurring, 'You're pretty funny - for a girl.'
'I now wonder if that girl who said i was like Ellen Degeneres really meant she couldn't tell if I was a lesbian or not,' says Robbins. 'I mean, I wasn't wearing make-up. And all those guys who said I was funny? I guess they were probably just trying to sleep with me. I mean, I did wind up sleeping with almost all of them so I guess it worked.'
Robbins says she began to suspect something was wrong as early as her junior year in high school, when she and a friend would crack up at deadpan reportage of bridges collapsing but fail to see the humor in even the loudest of armpit farts, but chalked it up to having a different perspective or just not really fitting in - all things she was led to believe would later serve as material to feed her comic genius.
The clincher came when Robbins, at the urging of her peers, turned in a depressing epistolary rant as an assignment for her humor writing workshop.
'I knew it was wrong,' Robbins admits, 'but it was honest. It's who I am and I just felt that I needed to put that out there.'
Robbins considers the last 20 years of her life 'a big misunderstanding'. 'I guess when people said I was funny, they really meant strange, or weird, or just plain uncomfortable,' explains Robbins. 'Those ready laughs? Now I see they were nervous chuckles borne of discomfort, not suppressed giggles of delight.'
Robbins admits she mistakenly considered sarcasm, inappropriate and/or offensive behavior and just plain stupidity as forms of humor, but now knows better. Robbins claims she was confused by the popularity of television programming like the Bam Margolis Show and Everybody Loves Raymond but also understands her own role in what happened.
Robbins is currently working on a concise dictionary of adjectives commonly associated with humor with the intent to eradicate any possible future nuance-borne confusion. 'I'd like to do something to help others avoid following in my footsteps,' she says. 'I've hurt people, but more importantly, I think I've bored them half to death. This dictionary probably won't keep people from being bored in and of itself, but at least it might help stem the spread of bad humor.'