Rewriting a wordy two paragraphs | Skillshare Projects

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Rewriting a wordy two paragraphs

I combined three Duncan Koerber classes together.

  • How Dead Verbs are Killing your Writing
  • Sentence Sense: Writing Clearly for Publications, Work, and School
  • Sentence Sense: Becoming an Active Writer

I am a terrible wordy writer, especially when forced to write something (i.e. emails) rather than when it comes through me, as some of my fiction is. In fact, my writing can be so different, I often don't recognize my own writing when it's good.

I discovered this e-book writing online. It is not my own but very similar to my wordy style. I used the first two paragraphs from chapter one.

I re-watched Duncan's videos and delved in. This kind of rewriting does not come easy. This took me over an hour.  Some rewritten sentences could be better. I mix-up past tense and present tense. I want to learn from my mistakes. I would love comments from teacher, students, ideas, etc. 

The highlighted "was" from dead verbs video suggestion.

Original:

Chapter One

Would I be able to save this one? You could never tell what way the mission would unfold. I had become good at using the information I have collected over time to soothe the conflicted thoughts that travel across the minds of my given targets. Each person I tried to help was unique in how they thought. Unique in the way they accepted the information I tried to suggest to them. It was never the same. Without my attempt to assist them, each individual would be left with no one to turn to. No one who could understand. Their survival would depend on whether I could get them to understand what was happening to them.

The school was just up ahead, the target would be at the playground soon. I walked from the corner of the block to a section of stairs that led down into a ball field. I could imagine kids playing baseball or kickball. There was a huge twenty foot fence in the corner right behind home base with an aluminum colored bench for players to the left. I walked over and sat on the bench. I pulled my hoodie from my head. It was a cool night as the air brushed across and lightly bit at my face. I stared out over the field to where the school was, noticing one of the two playgrounds and baseball courts just passed the field. The playground and court were lit up with a few building lights, it was a decent night with a light wind, a school night, the time when most good parents get their children to sleep for the next day of study. I could almost see the kids running around, playing, not yet knowing what the world had in store for them. From the distance I could hear the wind moving the chain on a tether pole.

 

REDONE:

Would I be able to save this target? Each mission unfolds differently. I became expert at using the information I collected to soothe the conflicted thoughts in the minds of my assigned targets. Each person unique in the way they accepted the suggested information. Without my assistance they would be abandoned, no one to turn to, no one to understand. Their survival depended on whether I succeeded.

 

The target would be at the playground soon. I walked from the corner of the block to a section of stairs leading down into a ball field. I imagined kids playing baseball or kickball. I viewed a huge twenty foot fence in the corner right behind home base with an aluminum colored bench for the players. I walked over and sat on the bench. I pulled my hoodie from my head. The cool night air brushed across and bit at my face. I stared over the field at the school, noticing the playground and baseball court lit by a few building lights. Empty of children on this school night, a time when most good parents encourage their children to get a full night's sleep. I imagined the kids running around, playing, not yet knowing what the world had in store for them. From the distance I heard the wind moving the chain on a tether pole.

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