Today I noticed just how little appreciation I show for the immediate people in my life like my family members and my so called closest friends. I always seem to forget their birthdays. It's my sister's birthday on January 4th which is tomorrow and I'm still not sure what to get for her as a present. Why is this the case? I don't know. My sister and her girlfriend came over today for a pre birthday lunch of a sort that was decided super last minute. It's how my mom always is, no surprise there. There, my mother had prepared a birthday card, handed it to me, and told me to write something in it before my sister arrived. I sat there and wrote a few paragraphs worth of thoughts that came to mind... things like how no matter how insecure I felt with my life it was a godsend to know I have an older sister whom I can call at anytime just to chat and talk to about pretty much anything even though I don't call her very often but just knowing that the option is there has saved me so many times. I ended it with saying I'm really she was born as my sister and wished her a happy birthday. When my mom handed her the card during lunch, my sister read the card and almost cried. She is a super tom boyish type of sister who doesn't cry very often. The last time I can clearly remember her crying was at our father's funeral over a decade ago. I didn't even buy the card. All I did was write a few paragraphs and she was moved. I didn't know if I should feel happy or relieved or guilty. All I know is... I must get her a proper present on January 4th, doesn't matter what it is. I have to get her something. Anything is better than nothing.
I don't really like writing these things. But maybe this is all just the filth and garbage in my mind that I need to get out first before I can write anything else. Maybe if I just keep writing eventually I'll grow to like writing things like this more.
Today I noticed l how just sitting in a voice chat with a group of people, even if no one is talking or saying anything can help me to become more productive. It's almost like I'm actually sitting in library study or at a coffee shop table with them where everyone is focused on their own tasks, books, games, or whatever. I can clearly picture it inside of my mind. Is this due to the yearning of my subconsciousness crying out due to the lack of social interaction? I used to sit at coffee shops all the time to read, study, and do the majority of my work. The same feeling of having strangers around me somehow made me more productive... as if somehow feeling eyes that may or may not exist in the back of mind keeps me on my toes. That constant feeling of if I'm not working then these people might think I'm just a bum sitting at a coffee shop wasting time. The feeling of having to live up to expectations that may or may not exist from strangers whom I may or may not give a shit about is so ingrained in my psyche. If anyone ever asked me in real life if I give a rat's ass or not about what others think of me, I would without a split second of hesitation answer with "no I couldn't care less" yet this phenomenon exists. Is it just me?
Maybe the mirror neurons in our primate brains impels us to feel this way whether we like it or not. Maybe it's a survival instinct. I don't know how to explain it otherwise. The very situation of being around other people makes me productive. I don't know what to say about myself.
Today I noticed why I enjoy translating things so much. My first thought was... I think it's because I'm empty inside. Precisely because I believe I'm empty inside, that's why it's really easy for me to internalize the ideas of others as if they were my own. The part where I take in someone else's words and feelings, it makes me feel for a moment like I'm not just myself anymore like I'm a part of the person's feelings and that is somehow... very comforting to me. I guess too in a practical sense this is very effective. "You can't be a good translator if you're not the person who understands the person or subject the best'' is something I always tell myself. I guess it's like when I translate things, I pretend to be the person speaking. I fool myself into thinking that I am the person. I try my utmost hardest to imagine what I would say if I were in their skin, just in a different language. It's almost creepy isn't it, but honestly that's what I do and I think that's why I like it.
Today I noticed how intoxicating it can be to receive praise when one isn't used to receiving praise. The simple conclusion I've drawn is... giving someone too much praise can sometimes be a bad thing. No wait, but in this world we live in... isn't it often the opposite? More like, isn't the underlying problem that why are so many of us so unused to receiving praise?
Compliments don't cost anything. Or do they? Maybe not in the monetary sense, but there's a part of me that believes genuine compliments takes effort and careful observation. Anyone can give a cheap compliment to kiss up to someone, attempt to seduce someone, or to inflate someone's ego for whatever underlying ulterior motives one may have. Maybe that's what's negative about giving too much praise. It's not the praise that's the problem, but the quality of the praise. Cheap compliments do nothing but inflate someone. What the world needs is more proper heartfelt genuine compliments.
But even then there are situations where even cheap unbiased compliments have a place. The world can be such a cold, cruel, and unrelenting place.
On one hand, cheap baseless compliments meant for nothing but flattery does nothing but inflate one's ego or worse manipulate people.
But on the other hand, some people in this world are so utterly starved for any semblance of positive feedback that anything they get would be like finding an oasis in the desert. Even if the compliments are lies and deceitful, if it helps them get through the day, the week, the month then maybe that's a good thing? or is it just delaying the inevitable like using painkillers?
In an ideal world where every single one of us was able to discern between flattery and a genuine compliment maybe this problem wouldn't exist.
I seem to really like arguing with myself when I write these things.
Today I noticed that I actually have some pretty good ideas and observations while I was driving to my sister's place to help celebrate her 35th birthday. I've been thinking in the back of my mind for years that I want to start my own anime convention or festival of some sort. I've always felt something lacking in the anime gatherings here in Vancouver and it wasn't until recently that I was able to articulate why. It's largely due to the completely lack of social interaction and ability to make new friends when you go to these events. What little interactivity and encouraged social activity from anime conventions a decade ago are now completely non-existent. Nowadays when you go to an anime convention the best you can do is hang out friends whom you already know beforehand, buy merchandise, then spend the rest of your experience attending panels that function more like lectures than social events. I want anime conventions to be place where one can find connections with people who share their own interests. Anyways, so as I was driving to my sister's place today I started brainstorming how one would run an event and make it be both engaging and natural. This is when the idea hit me as if a light bulb had gone off in my head. What about a masquerade ball? I thought to myself. But instead of masks, everyone at the event had a badge of some sort to signify they were attending the ball. What if instead of a ball we can have a werewolf like game where every participant had a specific role. Everyone would get a different role whose objective is to find someone else with a different role and perform a certain action to win. This could be something that can happen in tandem with the main attractions event wide as a background interactive game for all attendees. We could use music or sound effect cues through out the event to signal certain roles to perform certain actions as clues for other attendees to observe. The possibilities are endless. The moment I arrived at my sister's place and entered through the door after saying happy birthday, I took out a pen and notebook and wrote all of my ideas down.
Today I noticed how lonely I am but it was only for a brief moment. It must be because today I didn't get a chance to talk to my usual friends in Discord.
Today I noticed everything I say to others are often just things that I want to say to myself and maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Today I noticed how close I am to my older sister. Even after not really seeing each other much all year, when I spent all day talking with her today we were finishing each other's sentences just like how we did 10 years ago when we still lived together.
Today I noticed I don't dream very much. When I did have dream last night I remembered it all very very clearly. Why did I dream about you? I remember having a really peaceful and happy dream ( one I haven't had in years? ) where all I did was message you where I sent you something (maybe it was a song, a picture, or something I wrote) with the comment "I hope you'll like me" without realizing I'd made a typo writing me instead of it... and in the dream you responded with "yes I do like you" before we both laughed it off saying "omg typo hahaha" …. it seems silly I know but something small like that even if it was just in a dream was enough to make feel at peace and it gave me an unprecedented amount of happiness I haven't felt in years (even when I was going with my last girlfriend of two years).
What are you to me? Why do I feel this way? This is what I'm trying to figure out right now as I write this jumbled mess.
Today I noticed I'm in love with someone who doesn't exist. Maybe I'm just in love with the illusion of you that only exists inside of me. Maybe I'm just lonely and not really in love with anyone. No that's not true, I definitely do feel something when I talk to you something that reaches out something that isn't just about me. I want to love you, that much I can say for certain. I want to become a better person so that I may be able to take care of you no matter what arises. I usually do my best to not appear weak or insecure, or rather I've learned over the years how to pretend to be strong and confident but the truth of the matter is when it comes to relationships and romances I'm just as much of a scared little boy like anyone else... I'm always scared that I'm not good enough in the eyes of the one person I truly truly care for... I've learned to give no fucks for everyone else in my life but deep down I'm a die hard romantic and I can't help but shake and become nervous in front of someone I have feelings for... my last girlfriend used to tell me I was too "slimy" and too "nervous around her" even though I'm fine around others and she didn't like that. It was a bit of an abusive relationship where she didn't appreciate anything that I did. Since then I've learned to adjust a bit. She wasn't entirely wrong.
Anyways since meeting you I've started wanting to become a better person. I've taken up fitness seriously in hopes of becoming more fit or at the very least become a guy who can cosplay and be a boyfriend whom you'd be proud to introduce to your real life friends or parents. I've attempted to take up more creative endeavors because watching your activities inspires me.
Maybe I'm in love with you because you inspire me. You inspire me to be a better person. Talking to you makes me feel like I believe I can become better because of you and hopefully one day... for you. Maybe this isn't good enough? Does this mean I'm only in love with the idea of you? I still don't know you well enough.
But that is precisely why I think... why that I so desperately yearn to get to know you better. I want to talk to you more. See different things with you. Show you the things that drive me crazy. I want to know what drives you crazy too. I want us to experience lots of new things together so we can know if we're meant for each other or not. Even if at the end of all that, if it wasn't meant to be I would be happy with that. At the moment though, I haven't been able to get this burning feeling off my chest for the last few days. Ever since the thought first emerged in my head that I had feelings for you.
That brings me to the final question... Why can't we just be friends? If we were friends we could still do all of the above things and still encourage each other to be better? Then I guess the true answer to that is... I'm selfish. I want to prove to you that I am your number one. These are not feelings a friend has for one another. There are things a significant other is willing to put up with and willing to do that a friend simply wouldn't. Then again this may be all just rationalization. Maybe the deep deep down the truth within myself is...
I want to make you mine.
Every time I hear your voice it sends a slight shiver down my back.
Every time I hear you sing, I can feel butterflies in my stomach.
I can't stand the thought of someone else who becomes your boyfriend who may not be able to appreciate you or love you as much as I could.
That's pretty creepy isn't it. But I believe ultimately this is what true love is.
To want to wholeheartedly "own" the other person in the purest sense. And at the same time be willing to "let them own" one's self too. Like the age old adage... will you be mine? so that I may be yours.
I'm in love with someone who doesn't yet exist. What does exist is simply an incomplete model and half sketched out image inside of me. I hope to one day be able to make that image whole, whatever the consequences may be.
Today I noticed... or at least tried to notice what makes my life feel bleak. It's like one of those days when you wake up and you look out the window and it's just dark raining and the house is empty. Except this is internal. Today I noticed even when things are supposedly going great (the music video project I'm doing as a hobby project is going great and I have jobs lined up for next week as well) but sometimes it's like it suddenly starts raining in my heart and I can't seem to understand why.
Is this something that just happens? Like a force of nature? Because it certainly seems like that. Up until now, the best way I've found to deal with episodes like this is to just not think about and go find something else to do to keep myself busy and eventually... like magic just as soon as quick as the sad feeling came over me it also vanishes as quickly. But that ends today. Today I want to properly sit down and think to myself why I feel this way. The first thought that comes to mind is... I guess I'm lonely. But it's not like I don't have friends or anything. I have people I can talk to this very moment who I know for a fact would be more than happy to listen to me ramble on about whatever it is that I want to talk about. Then why do I feel lonely? Is there something that simply talking in voice chat or typing in messages can't provide? Maybe something inside of me after 12 months of lockdown has finally started to crack? I've always had faint realizations for myself that I'm what the author of "The 5 Love Languages" would call as someone who needs physical contact to feel loved. I believe when I read that book the 2nd highest love language for me was compliments. Physical contact and compliments. Maybe those are the things that I've severely lacked? Maybe not the compliments part for the last couple of months? Or is it me who's the problem because I've grown so unaccustomed to receiving and accepting compliments that I subconsciously reject them even the genuine ones.
Anyways, the bigger problem here is probably the lack of physical contact. I still remember when I first read The 5 love languages I didn't believe that I valued physical contact so much because I genuinely thought it was creepy. And I didn't want to admit it. But I guess this lockdown situation has really brought the truth to light for me.
I'm not even thinking about sexual intercourse or anything of that sort. I just want... to give someone a hug. To have someone whom I know likes me to give me a hug. I just want to hold hands with a girl I like and go on a long walk and just chat. Something simple like that would mean the world to me. Just imagining the experience in my head right now makes my heart ache, for I know that reality is far far far off in the distant.
What can I do then? I honestly don't know.
Today I noticed how empty I felt when I procrastinated and ended up skipping the things I promised myself I'd do every day. This isn't the first time I'd broken this promise since the start of the new year, but today was the first day I noticed how shitty I felt. I promised myself even before crossing into 2021 that I'd exercise for at least 30 minutes every day. I promised myself on January 5th that I'd explore creative writing for at least 30 minutes every day as well as sing for at least 30 minutes after my workout everyday.
I thought to myself as I tried to sleep earlier that at the very least, I can still write for a little bit before going back to bed. It felt more natural for me to get out of bed and turn on my computer again just to write than continuing to sleep. I guess this is the result of a few days of consistent hard work.
Then just now, I noticed upon writing these things out that... I'm pushing myself to do too many too fast all at once all over again. Just like how I always do. However this time, I also noticed something significantly different inside me... a feeling that wasn't there before.
This time, I noticed I'm not beating myself up for being lazy. I still feel like shit of course and the feeling of remorse and regret for breaking the routine is definitely there. However, this time... the self reflection ends there and doesn't descend into self lambasting tirades and arguments with myself inside my own head.
Maybe somehow by writing my thoughts out for the past 4 days... I've learned to come to even better terms with myself than I originally had. I don't know. All I know is I feel a lot better right now.
Today I noticed there are a ridiculous amount of things I want to do.
I want to write a business plan and start my own anime/pop culture convention so socially awkward people like myself can have a comfortable place to open up and make friends at.
I want to lose 30 lbs to get fit so I can feel more comfortable about myself, maybe attract the attention of the girl I'm in love with who doesn't exist yet or maybe one day cosplay certain characters I really like without ruining their character.
I want to write a book, create an original dungeons and dragon campaign, and learn to use the power of the word and pen to move people in ways that simply talking wouldn't be able to.
I want to get better at singing so I can sing the songs I like well. So I can sing the songs that the girl I'm in love likes well enough to be able to sing it for her. I want to practice singing enough so that I'm confident enough to spontaneously break out into song for her from time to time. I want to be able to sing her favourite songs for her wherever.
I want to read more books. I have a bad habit of picking up a book and not finishing it. As I'm writing this right now, there are four books sitting on my desk which I've read but not finished. I want to establish a system of reading where I properly take notes and extract the important information from the books in an organized way that someone other than myself would be able to gleam valuable information from it. I want to read more books and be able to properly absorb the stories, knowledge, lessons, anguish, pain, and revelations from them properly. I need to set aside time every day to properly sit down and read ONE book until it's finished.
I want to try streaming video games, so that the time I spend on playing video games may have some kind of monetary value for myself and maybe some sort of entertainment value for others. I will need to buy a better microphone, a capture card, and consult with many other people on what's a good way to get everything set up without coming off as really unprofessional when I start. I'm not comfortable with showing my face so this is the best time to get into the virtual youtuber trend. I wonder if my Japanese would be good enough to attempt to stream in Japanese.
Somewhere in me, I still very much aspire to be a translator. It's something that I can say without a moment of hesitation that is something I genuinely enjoy. I've told others in the past how I've spent 8 hours translating a single episode of anime and talking about it as if it was a burden. I only did that because I wanted to show off. The truth is I didn't find the 8 hours to be tiring at all. I loved every second of it. I want to seriously look into if there are any other avenues or possibilities into becoming a professional certified translator in Canada.
Then lastly there's the one that I want more than anything else I've listed above. It's the one thing that every person yearn for when they're alone. I want to find a girlfriend. But I don't want to go around desperately looking for one. The truth is deep down I am desperate and lonely. Which is exactly why I'm afraid to go around looking for one. I've been thinking to myself that perhaps the best approach is to focus on other projects and goals that get me excited so that they may distract me from my loneliness. They do say that a man who has a dream and passion to follow is often the most charming. Who knows, maybe this is the best way to find a girlfriend. I should focus on my dreams and passions and keep my eyes open so that if somewhere along the way I might meet the right girl. Or is that just wishful thinking? I would rather take wishful thinking over making a desperate mistake and hurting someone whom I thought I had feelings for but turns out was just lust.
All of these things are things that invoke a strong emotional response within me and I want to do them all. There's no time to be depressed sitting around being lazy when there are these amazing things that get me excited when I think about them.
Today I noticed how much healthier the meals my grandparents prepare are when I ate with them compared to what I usually eat. They made radish, lotus root, and spare ribs soup for dinner today with sautéed greens and brown rice while I had two hamburgers, ten chicken nuggets, and an avocado salad with very little veggies in it last night.
Today I noticed just how perverted a female friend of mine is. Even after talking to her numerous times about our shared common interests in various adult themed topics, I'm still not sure if it's appropriate for me to keep talking to her about these things. It's not so much that I feel she would be uncomfortable with it (because I know she is 100% fine with even the most degenerate of content) but that I'd be worried I'd give off the impression that I'm a fucking degenerate as well. I'm not sure if I want to do that. I'm afraid I'll end up continuously bringing up these topics with her whenever we talk and that'll cement in her mind that I'm just another pervert without any other mysteries or redeeming qualities. This may sound narcissistic and shallow but there is a part of me that wants to be more of an enigma to her. If the day comes when I realize I'm actually in love with her, I want there to still be some semblance of mystery as to what kind of character I am deep down. This is crazy talk. I'm creeping myself out.
Today I noticed once again that I'm in love with someone who doesn't exist. I'm pretty sure the character that I presume them to be is something that only exists inside of my own head. I am simply extrapolating and imagining the rest of her traits and characteristics and filling in the gaps with my delusions of what kind of girl I want her to be. I'm letting my desperate desires and reckless libido run amok and not properly paying attention to what is real and what isn't. The you that does exists in the earth is without a doubt a lovely person. Certainly lovely enough to attract my attention in the first place. But this does not mean I am in love with you. I am simply a lonely person who hasn't ever truly known what it's like to have a significant other who he feels knows him. This desperation often leads me to see things and dream of qualities through a tunnel vision filter that doesn't exist. I need to convince myself that you are just a friend. A friend I haven't really gotten to yet. A friend who I believe I can get along with very very well with just as friends. There is no reason for me to risk ruining this friendship and newly formed relationship by getting weird thoughts into my head thinking you are someone who you are not.
Today I noticed it's a lot easier to motivate myself to do all sorts of things when I think of how they might help me in earning your affection. Working out, creative writing (including writing this very journaling exercise), practicing singing, and overall trying to advance my career and business plans... they all feel much easier to pursue if I tell myself "if I do this, then she will like me more." Whether this is true or not, I have no idea. But somehow, just having these thoughts inside of my head makes it 100 times easier to get on that treadmill or to set aside the time to write or study a business plan course. I don't know if this is healthy or even moral. I feel happy and somewhat fulfilled this past two weeks like I haven't felt in a long long time. I don't know if this is like the first phase of taking drugs (a drug in this case called puppy love) or if this is something I can maintain and keep up and create some lasting changes in my life. Certainly the fitness aspect of this is going really well. And so is the writing aspect, it's been 7 days and I'm still writing these journal entries every day when before the most I could manage were three days. It's funny how these mixture of activities have gotten me to this state. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have taken on all these new year's solutions. If it wasn't for this creative writing new year's resolution there would've been a very good chance I would've done something irreparable already. These journal entries where I pour out my thoughts to god knows who somehow help clear my head so that I can act more normal around you when I talk to you.
If there's one thing that I can say with all of my heart... it's that I do genuinely enjoy spending time with you. Even if I can't be your boyfriend being able to hear you laugh, sing, or talk about things that you are passionate about will always bring a smile to my face.
Why do I have to be so selfish? Why do I want to make you mine so badly? Is it not good enough to just be friends? No matter how much I write about them here, I can't seem to get these feelings off my chest.
Today I noticed I like how my voice sounds when I talk, but I really really don't like how my voice sounds when I sing. I wonder if it's because I run out of breath way too quickly when I sing. I wonder if I will eventually grow to like my singing voice more if I keep singing, even if there's no one else listening.
Today I noticed I need slow down. I'm constantly thinking about two, three, or ten different things at once. Writing is actually something that forces my thoughts to slow down to the speed at which I'm writing. I should write more. I should keep a scrapbook or a notebook on hand and just write down anything and everything that comes to mind so that I won't be as scatterbrained and forget some of the good ideas that I might have gleamed.
Today I noticed I need to pay more attention to the influence I might have on others. If I just recklessly say whatever comes to mind with baseless confidence, I have to also be prepared for the consequences, influences, and reactions people might have. Either I change the way I present myself when I talk to others or I have to start growing a thicker layer of skin.
Today I noticed I have a tendency to only focus on the topics and people I'm interested in and end up alienating others. This isn't the first time I've received feedback on something like this. I have a bad habit of straight up talking over other people to someone else if their conversations topics don't interest me.
Today I noticed I have an abnormally high level of intolerance for information that I consider useless, meaningless, shallow, or sensationalized. Or it might be that I have a high tendency to scrutinize every bit of information I come across to figure out if it is useful or not and get annoyed or immediately bored if it isn't particularly interesting or heartfelt. It's a filtering technique that I've found to have served me quite well in navigating the never-ending whirlpool of information that is our era. That said, my intolerance is for the information being provided and never at the person sharing it with me. Though that as it may be, my immediate lack of interest or signs of annoyance may very well indicate otherwise. This is something I have to work on.
Today I noticed I like myself and I enjoy talking to people I am interested in a thousand times more when I've had a productive and interesting day. Wow, this sounds so fucking basic when I write it out like this. What I'm trying to say is, compared to when I'd sit in voice chat when I'm bored with nothing to do the experience is completely different when I have stories to share or when we have something productive or constructive to talk about. Yep, this is still really fucking basic. Maybe it's because it's so basic that I've always tended to overlook this little tidbit of wisdom. I imagine writing is more or less the same. I can't write something without drawing my experiences from something else. To be a good writer I have to go out and experience new... experiences or I will end writing about the same things over and over. The same concept likely applies to many other subjects and problems we face in life too. Being obsessed over one girl simply because they are the only girl in my vicinity or comfort zone that I'm somehow able to talk to so naturally when I'm feeling lonely the only person that comes to mind is her.
If I don't have a productive day, I won't have any new stories to talk or write about.
If I don't go out and talk to more girls, I won't have any one else to think about when I'm lonely.
If I don't listen to new music, I end up listening to the same songs over and over.
If I don't read new books, I'll keep talking about the old books I've read over and over.
If I don't work on new projects, I will keep talking about old projects like a broken record.
If I don't take a new step forward, I will keep walking in circles or worse stagnate.
Maybe this is just how human beings are. We need new experiences or we're doomed to live a life of mediocrity constantly filling our minds with new ways to "kill time."
Today I noticed I gained back one pound after eating fried chicken last night. I was so happy I lost 5 lbs after working out every day for 2 weeks too. What the hell was I thinking. The fried chicken wasn't even that good. Oh right, I'd forgotten to eat anything after 12pm until 2am yesterday. Then I was too hungry to cook so I went out and bought fried chicken, which was one of the only places open aside from McDonalds. Let this be a valuable lesson to myself.
Today I noticed I really really missed reading. There is something magical about sitting there flipping through the pages of a book that one simply can't experience otherwise. Watching videos or reading off of a computer screen just isn't the same.