UPDATE 4/1: FINAL DRAFT (2 typos fixed 4/2)
I have made multiple revisions to my screenplay. I have cut characters, merged scenes, and cut scenes completely. The current page count of 20 pages runs more like 15 minutes than 20 when I read it out loud. I don't know how to cut any more pages and still tell the same story.
If anyone has a few minutes in the next few hours and can help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
UPDATE 3/30: First Draft (finally)
I am so sorry that this draft is sooo late. I just couldn't get it all whittled down enough, first (still not enough), then I couldn't get it uploaded.
Please, anyone able to give any feedback, I really need help whittling this script back to 1-13 pages. There is just so much. I need help.
If you are able, I think you will like it. Just enjoy it and help me make it more enjoyably short.
UPDATE 3/26: Treatment (Finally)
NEW KID IN SCHOOL
by Asa Guice
HERBERT (HERB) JAWORSKI (87), is a retired lawyer and lives alone in the same house in the western suburbs of Pittsburgh where he and his wife, ANNE (deceased nearly 38 years), raised their daughter, BARBARA JAWORSKI MEADOWS (55). Barbara has lived nearby with her own family for the last 30 years.
Herb has begun to suffer dementia and become incapable of keeping his own house. Herb was hospitalized for the last week after he drove his car into a supermarket window. And now Barbara, whom Herb believes is and calls her his mother very often, brings him to SHADY HILLS MEDICAL CARE AND COMMUNITY LIVING CENTER, a nursing home, for the daily help and supervision he now needs.
Herb mistakes Shady Hills for a new boarding school and sees it as his chance to start over in a new school where the other kids wouldn’t know that he was the poorest one there. He could be popular and well-liked. Herb sets his goal to be one of the cool kids and run for class president. But on what platform?
Herb views the other residents as his classmates, the nurses and staff as teachers, CENTER DIRECTOR MICHAEL JOHNS (50) as principle, and the other administrators, HEAD NURSE JOAN PHELPS (40) and SOCIAL DIRECTOR MARTIN MATTHEWS (37), as his vice principals. He meets BETTIE ANDREWS (83), also suffering from early dementia, who takes an instant shine to him and becomes his conspiratorial partner in his social climb.
Herb learns many names and keeps a dry-erase board chart in his room to draw the connections between the other residents and staff he has met. He joins up with games of shuffleboard and checkers, telling tall tales of his “boat house” and “vacation home” to try to impress the others, and listens for what might be a campaign-worthy issue.
Herb decides that he has to run for class president on a platform of “More Cookies”, as every day there are not enough cookies for everyone to get one. When he stages a rally during lunch which turns into a riot, Director Johns is forced to call Barbara to bring Herb back to reality.
I will be moving forward with New Kid In School, as most recommended. I thank all who've already given insights and opinions. This is going to be fun.
I haven't ever really tried to come up with a story that can be told in only 10 minutes. It's kind of a challenge, but I like where these ideas might go.
So, here we go -- submitted for your aproval:
So, what are your thoughts, my co-laborers? Which idea is the most appetizing for you? Which are you most intrigued by? Why?