My self reflection- my deeps fear during creativity

My self reflection- my deeps fear during creativity - student project

I did something self reflection about my fears of creativity including perfectionism, imposter syndrome, very sensitive of rejection, being excluded/scapegoat in the community because of my flaws,etc.

i’ve always been pressured a lot since my childhood- I’ve always been pressured to make it right look, it needs to be professionally looking and not looked too childish..

I also felt discouraged that mine is still inadequate while other artists, no matter what style/detail they made, everyone adores them more like a god, popular student,etc-I get like very less support because of my mental health issues, my intense emotions, my repetitive/restrictive behaviors-most -expletive think or sees me that I’m some kind of monster.

I do have so many issues -many times-no matter what kind of triggers I have that have been coming back back and fourth from every 4-2 week cycle 

I did try some different things best as possible depending of my personal/family schedules.

Honestly my child life is complicated because I’d been treated differently than my friends and my siblings and being divided/separate because I’m ‘special Ed’ ‘not normal’ ‘not smart enough’ in school-I’d also been like ‘why I can’t be like my friends/siblings?’ ‘Why the always treated me like an animal/a child more because I’m autistic,etc?’ ‘Why I’m so fugly/stupid?’

I never been understood myself, learn myself, see myself for decades because I’m very flawed/broken(autism is my major flaw)

my major art goals are always been not working out -some are like be part of the art collaborators which I’m very proud but I do feel worried that I’m may not to have art career path or others wouldn’t be interested me as a character designer/storyboard artist,etc because I don’t have this/that,etc.My self reflection- my deeps fear during creativity - image 1 - student project