My difficult true self image

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Hello Emerelle . I’m Meghan. Thank you for sharing your words. I know it might be very deep or maybe too complex or too difficult for everyone in the community. I never been true to myself for decades because of my autism since I was two. During my lifetime, I don’t ever see myself as a pure human being, all I see myself as a ghost or an alien who came from the planet. I have to be honest, autism or being autistic is the major but very worst character/personality flaw/shadow for me 24/7 no matter what good things or bad things I done or what happens to me. I tired to be embrace or accept the autism in the positive way, but sadly, it doesn’t work for me. I never like autism. It always been destroyed my self image. Because the reality in society what I’ve been through especially during my childhood and difficult school system I grew up. I also never had great romantic or relationship experiences because I have so many flaws that people doesn’t like or felt uncomfortable or I hurt them deeply when I felt struggled. I also never believe in God even though I tried but I feel that God never like me very much because I’m autistic or cursed/deformed/broken. I also have been through with abandoned issues, eating/weight issues, trust issues and mostly perfectionist issues since I was young.
It May be a take awhile or it’ll be longer like another decade if I want to be true to myself, but living autism and serious mental health problems are still in the baggage inside my soul(I have a new diagnosis of PMDD, premenstrual Dysphoric disorder, it’s like extreme pms when every two weeks/month starts, turned into mr Hyde.) i know I’m 32, but my true self can be very complex no matter What progress or process I am... I’m still doing many coping skills, still writing much posit e about myself but I’m still feeling numb inside-but even though I’m not cured, I still want to be fix more or recover more. What’s the best thing I can do from my real struggle(s) especially living with perfectionist issues?