Updated Dec, 13th 2012
Teen Discovers Meaning of Life
Rest of World Can Stop Worrying
San Francisco, CA (December 13, 2012) — After just 17 years of thought, high school student Jane Doe has discovered the meaning of life, winning her the sought-after gold star at the International Philosophy Competition (IPC).
“It’s an honor, I guess, but it really wasn’t that hard,” said the senior in high school, adding that she was mildly shocked no one else had gotten it, even after so many thousands of years. “It’s quite simple, really.”
Findings have yet to be released to the public, despite the rising frustration of critics, who are skeptical as to whether or not Ms. Doe's really figured it all out.
“They’re probably just jealous,” said a representative for the IPC, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity. “People are calling her the next Nietzsche.”
“I’m not sure what my next steps will be,” said Ms. Doe. “I mean, I’ve already accomplished so much. I guess I could solve world hunger or cure cancer or something, but it really pales in comparison to what I’ve already done.”
I'm trying to write an Onion-style piece that satirizes an overconfident teenager, who could use a lesson or two on humility. I'm in high school, and people like this certainly exist -- they always argue about topics that are beyond their reach.
How am I doing? What can be added? I'm stuck.