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Moderately Important Fables

Good evening, grandchildren. Please have a seat by the fireplace and make yourself comfortable. Does everyone have their Snuggies® and hot chocolate? Wonderful. By the way, I’m sorry to hear that your parents are getting divorced.

"What are fables?"

That’s a very good question! Fables, like Zsa Zsa Gabor, have been an important part of human history since the beginning of time. They teach us important moral lessons, such as “You are judged by the company you keep," “Treat others as you wish to be treated,” and “You can’t get AIDS by sharing a toothbrush.”

"Where can I read more fables?"

In a fantastic new book currently being written by Ryan Shattuck, called Moderately Important Fables.

"What is Moderately Important Fables about?"

Ryan Shattuck -- an author you’ve never heard of but who probably exists -- spent 57 years visiting every corner of the globe, collecting some of the most important fables in human history. He then organized these stories into a book called Moderately Important Fables, so that future generations might finally learn of the most life-changing fables ever recorded.

Some of the stories in Moderately Important Fables include:

  • “The Penguin Who Was Kind of a Prick”
  • “The Squid Who Finally Let His Libido Get the Best of Him”
  • “The Dust Mite Who Regretted Getting a Tattoo”
  • “The Pig Who Had an Unusual Addiction, Even for a Pig”
  • “The Turtle Who Forgot to Refill His Anti-Depressants Prescription”

"Does Ryan Shattuck plan on publishing Moderately Important Fables?"

Yes, eventually. Ryan Shattuck owes the city of Ann Arbor a substantial amount of money, due to the fact that he wildly underestimated how expensive it would be to keep hundreds of feral cats in his basement.

"Why are my parents getting a divorce?"

Because you ask too many questions.

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