Josh Kilen

Telling Fun Stories. Ambiguously Ambitious.

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3

Kilen's Small Annoy...Amusings

(1) Annoyances and other sources of frustration...

  1. Uncomitted friend who can't say whether or not they will be at your event.
  2. Lazy coworkers who don't replace things, wait for others to fill the copier with paper.
  3. Indecisive boss who can't give clear direction but gets frustrated when you can't read his mind.
  4. Uneducated opinions posing as facts.
  5. Inanimate objects that will not bend to my will (i.e. the computer is broken again and I don't know why, it should be working and it's not so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG I JUST WANT TO THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL!!!)

Any ideas about what sounds better? I think they all could work but I'm curious to hear if anyone feels strongly about one of these. Otherwise, to the dartboard!

(2) As I look over the list I like the lazy coworkers idea the best. Some ideas for that:

  1. Copier independently sends an email to Dan the Paper Zealot to chill out and let Dan the LazyMan be Dan
  2. Maybe a conversation between those two characters in the form of angry notes
  3. HR issuing a company policy for laziness based on new studies and for energy conservasion reasons

I'll noodle. You noodle. Together we'll come up with something for tomorrow. 

(3) I went a diffrent direction...

To the Employees of Taliban Region 2,

From Director of Human Resources McSimmons:

When I was first brought in to deal with personnel issues i was told were running rampant in this once great division of the Taliban, I was excited about the challenge. In my former position as the HR Coordinator for Glaxo Smith, I felt like I was ready for a new challenge and this opportunity really stood out as a career step up. I even increased efficiency by 15% in my first three weeks. But, after the recent “Great Paper War” as some have dubbed it, I’m beginning to have my doubts about this office.

First of all, I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be when you feel like you are the only one to replace anything in office. The jug for the water cooler, the paper in copier, or even toilet paper in the bathroom, the tragedy of the commons weighs heavy on your shoulders. In my past life at Glaxo Smith, I was alone in caring whether everyone had adequate supplies to do the work they need to do. In that sense I think I understand why things transpired the way they did and the tragedies that befell us all.

Because I’m still having trouble saying or spelling your names, I will have to refer to the chief antagonists in this sordid tale as Larry and Dan. Those are names I’m more comfortable with and you know who you are anyway. From what I can gather, Larry has become as zealous in his defense of the refilling of the paper in the copier as Dan has in his outright defiance, and sabotaging of, the copier refilling. In our war against the Infidels, we can't afford to stand divided.

That’s why I’ve issued HR edict #439, Establishment of Lackadaisical Attitudes and Necessary Energy Release. It’s a policy that encourages, and when we say encourages you know what we mean, each employee to be responsible for his own life energy and not waste time on petty office squabbles. The more energy we expend fighting each other, the less we have to fight the enemy. Plus it spells out ELANER which I just think is a very pretty name.

I know that some of you are less than thrilled by western science, but it offers some key insights into why the conservation of office energy principles work. Studies done at major universities show that when a group focuses its collective and determined hatred outward instead of inward, so much can be done. That’s really what we want for every member of this once great Region, for you to live up to your potential and start culling the Infidel like we used to do. That’s why they brought me in, and I think together we can do it!

So come on team! Let’s rally together and win one for the Big Guy, Allah!

The final translated, translated memo: Praise Allah! Due to the sudden ‘relocation’ of the HR Director, the position is now available.




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