Intoxicated - Ordinary world

Just to give this some context, I am unsure where (if anywhere) this is going. This is the first "writing" I have done for it. I am an ex-accountant who is still amidst what may become the hero's journey.

I haven't worked out all the pieces of it yet and until now just had a title... but since the class prompted it out of me, here I go sharing... 

My Ordinary World

 

Chaos - unconscious chaos. Attempting to learn how to be a mother of 2 young girls while dealing with an unknown co-dependency on my partner of 20 years’ drinking, anxiety about my daughter’s anaphylaxis and unhealthy attachment to a career I am no longer aligned with. 

 

My usual day starts at 4:30 am to log in for work to fit in around my kids and partners schedule. I have always been an early bird, but not quite so early. I log out just as my partner leaves for work at 7:30 and I sign in to parental duties with snippets of work messages throughout the day. 

 

Partner returns home from work with a few drinks under his belt and continues to drink. Nighttime becomes a merry go round of highs and lows as the kids being kids are getting tired. My partner goes from happy joking clown to angry man in split seconds while I react and attempt unsuccessfully to control the situation and my emotions. Tears, laughter and bedtime antics all finally settle down and the house is quiet. I hit the bed depressed, guilty and feeling out of control..only to repeat the same day when I wake up. 

 

It isn’t all bad, we all have calm sane fun adventures in between together and apart...its what kept me on the merry-go-round for almost 5 years. But as anyone from the outside could clearly see, it was not a sustainable way to live.