Major Hoffman

Curator + Creator

55

6

Ideas

Mitch Hedberg called me an asshole (and I made his parents cry).

He was on stage, and I was on the front row at a show in Austin in the early 2000s. In retrospect, he was rather nice to a naive college kid.

After he passed away, I went with some friends to an 'official' memorial service at a local comedy club hosted by Dave Attell. They didn't break for the scheduled intermission. We were later told that it had something to do with his parents being there, but Dave was pissed when our entire table in the middle of the room stood up and left. Mitch's mom cried.

That was the most awkward moment of my life.

 

Major's Manual

I wanted to be in a financial position to help my baby sister pay her college tuition before she became a college freshman. You know, 'Great Expectations'-esque without the expectations. I had plans to get out of college and make something of myself, but life had its own agenda.

I'm passionate about too many things. I decided to be homeless for a couple of months for a rock band. I've held jobs that include a server at various Austin eateries, ISP Tech Support, Chiropractic's Assistant, computer lab technician, chemical plant intern, movie theatre manager, Methodist Youth Group director, pizza evangelist, sandwich artist, and a 4 year stint as a loan modification underwriter for mortgages. My sister is graduating high school in less than a month, and I'm excited that I'll have enough to pay the internet bill by next week. All I can do is to give her suggestions on what NOT to do.

Because it's not written yet, I'm going to give her a table of contents and let her choose what she wants to know first. It's time to get responsibly PUMPED and to FINALLY be the BIG BROTHER with the GOOD ADVICE!

...and to take the chicken pot pie out of the microwave. It tastes like shit when its cold.

 

How I spent the day passively abusing the elderly

What do you call an old guy trying to overcome impossible odds when face with a 2 inch ledge and a conscious effort to procrastinate offering more than a thought to close a lady's gas tank lid at a busy intersection? I don't know either, but I don't believe in coincidences.

It was an omen that set me up to fail at being a good person on my lunch break.

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