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3

I will try

Today I noticed…

I noticed I love my living room after I cleaned it. I almost didn’t want to go to work this evening. But I challenged myself to do so. I needed to be at rehearsal. It’s very near to actual play, so it wasn’t good idea to skip rehearsal. I also noticed that I could cheer myself up while I was almost going deep into freaky stuff. I watched a few videos about improv and they gave me ideas about what I’m going to do for my improv event, which is going to happen pretty soon. Then I noticed that I can try them with my little drama group, which was almost going crazy today. It kind of worked. I can improve my skills and knowledge little bit. I think I think too much. I create unnecessary worrisome and nervousness. Even experienced directors in this town make ok plays; why do I worry too much. Everything will be just fine. Today I noticed it’s getting there.

I love the moments that I’m totally in piece with myself and with others. Tonight was one of those times. My husband was finishing up making the dinner when I arrived home from the rehearsal with the children. I appreciated it in my heart. It felt so good. I know we will never get back together again; I’m sure it won’t happen, but it makes me happy that the children are happy to have him coming home early from work. My son repeated many times that he’s so happy that finally everything is getting back the same again. I noticed that everything is fine, or everything can be just fine if I allow it. I’m smiling. I’m glad I’m not alone; I’m glad there’s something more than me is watching out for me. I’ve done whatever I could; now I will just chill out… at least I will try.

Day 2.

It was still dark when I woke up this morning...

I noticed that it's been a while that I've been waking up around 4 am every morning with anxiety. My heart was beating faster... didn't know why. I can do better I thought. At least I thought I thought. But actually I heard that dear voice again. I thought I lost you I said. As usual she didn't join this lost-missed conversation. She smiled instead. 

"You have no much time to hate someone"-she said. You even don't have much time to dislike someone, don't you think? Life isn't that long." That was her, I knew. Only she could read my inside like this. "Responsibilities...huh... Where do they go?"- she laughed this time.

"What do you mean?" - I was confused. "Where do your responsibilities go after you die?"- she asked again. I paused; I had to think. "Seriously, where do they go?- I asked myself this time. What happens to my responsibilities?"
"Nowhere - her voice was so calm, like the surface of the pond water on the early summer day. They melt away, because they were never real." 

Then there was a deep silence. I felt beautiful emptiness. 

"Now, - she began to talk again slowly and quietly- do you think it would worth it if you spend your crack of time existence to built up these never ending responsibilities and began to hate someone as a result? While there is a lot to do, enjoy, and learn?"

I didn't say a thing; I didn't want to. It was so clear to me she was right; also I was enjoying the rhythm of her speaking. As if a river was running inside me. 

Today I gave up and I felt endless freedom again.

Day 3. 

I noticed I got angry, just right after I was having a good beginning to the day. I yelled at my son who started discussing about the little note about head lice that his youngest sister brought from school. That was the thing I was trying to avoid focusing on. I cut the conversation in the beginning. "This is nothing"- I said. But for my surprise, he kept talking about it. So, I got angry, and yelled. Even my oldest daughter, who was sitting in the kitchen got scared, I felt. "You shouldn't get angry"- my inside said. "Oh, you shut up," - I felt my power in my anger, and I think I liked it. I also liked how quickly I was able to get out of anger and started conversation with my son; sometimes I need to appreciate these little things.

When we were leaving for school I said: "Oh, stupidity, instead of contemplating the beauty of this fresh day, you want to talk about head lice. Doesn't worth it, son."

I told him how I've been writing this book in my mind since I was 14 when we got into the car. “Wow, he said, writing a book for 30 years and never writing it.” "Yes, -I said, - sometimes I wish someone else wrote it for me." He looked at me, confused. "You know, when I focus, the story pours on me, I can't catch up with writing everything down. That's the reason I delay it for years. I want to just close my eyes and tell it. I want someone else to write down everything."

He still was looking at me. I don't think he understood a thing.

But I did instead.

At night when I was alone at last, I herd her voice again: “Close your eyes my dear, and tell it…” 

Day 4.


Everyone left for school and work. "At last, it's my time"- I thought. I couldn't wait to read my book: "The Alchemist",  that I started two days ago. I noticed that, although my reading in English isn't that fluent, I can't put down this book. I'm surprised that I haven't read it before. Even my teenage son read it last year and was talking about. 

It opens the doors of magic for me again. I'm entering to the world that I never wanted to leave, but I've been in and out for such a long time. 

"I should start writing my own journey, on the paper, don't you think?"- I asked her. She was so calm and relaxed under the sunrays that were pouring into house through the window glass. Her nighty-dark hair was like black gold under those rays. She was smiling at me: "I can't say you should, - she answered- but I will always be with you if you do. There is nothing one should, or shouldn't do. Those are just decisions. You are the one who makes decisions, I'm just following you. There's no bad, nore good decisions. Nothing will take anything away from you. The only thing is, make your decision and line up with it."
"Yeah, - I said - sometimes I get confused in making decisions.."
"Whatever makes your heart sing... " - she smiled again. 

Don't know if it was just her smile, or the rays of the sun, the room filled with peace and comfort suddenly.

Day 5.

Today I noticed wind...

I noticed rush to work. I noticed awakening in the library, getting busy, people coming and going, then slowing down, and closing. I noticed kindness around, I noticed new books, new stories. Old books, old stories...

Somebody hit my car from back at the stop light. I got out of the car to check what happened. The other driver was appologizing. I noticed fear in his eyes. I didn't say a thing; I just drove away.

I noticed savoury smell of bread filling whole house while baking. I noticed home. I noticed simplicity of being home. 

I noticed myself... my Self...

I held my face in my palms. I noticed a child, innocent, tender, curious child...

"I love you, child" - I whispered with all my inside.

and I noticed Love...

Day 6.

I was awake after about an hour of falling asleep. Usually this irritates me. I wish for good night's sleep, especially when I have to go to work early in the next morning. But here, I was, awake again.

I noticed it didn't irritate me this time. Actually, it made me kinda happy, I'm alive, I thought. It felt good.

I listened the sounds of silence. It felt as if time stopped, as if there wasn't any moving thing on earth.

Then the wind knocked the window, just a little.

" I'm here" - the wind said.

"Don't worry about me, -I answered- I'm fine."

" I don't worry, - the wind said. I never do. I just enjoy moving around, tapping on things, making noises."

I smiled: "And I love observing you, listening the noises you make. I enjoy your existence. My heart finds resonance with you. I feel alive. "

Then the wind was quiet for a while.

"Hey, where did you go?"-I asked. And I heard it blowing from far distance this time. 

There were more life around than it seemed. 

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