Today, I noticed that I don't have anything going for me. Sure I play pokemon EVERYDAY. I come along with my mother when she wants to go to the mall. Meditate, play the piano, guitar, and sing. I always scan facebook and see images of friends and acquaintances doing something with their lives. Family, travel, food, luxuries, smiling happy faces over the internet and everybody is happy. I look at myself and compare what I am right now. Is it empty? Sometimes I feel jealous of what they have achieved. What have I achieved? It makes me sad sometimes. Maybe because I was too proud of myself or something. What should I achieve? Becoming a CEO? A Father? A Rockstar? A Writer? A Millionaire? wait....I am a Millionaire! Hahahaha! Though through inheritance. So what now? Am I happy? Yes I am! I am confident to say that. Why? I don't know. A few minutes ago I felt that I was in rush to do something, to achieve something, to just move, or something. I just realized that I just need to move or do something different. In a few days or weeks time I'll have my gallbladder removed and I'm very excited for this. I love hospitals. They provide comfort for everybody. I think so. But I really love. Let me rephrase that I feel comfortable being in a hospital. You know lots of love is being poured upon. I don't feel that miserable anymore. Before this I was watching PsychoTraveler's Vlog about how she has worked hard and realized that what she worked hard for was now her life. I felt so proud of her and I don't know her that well. Then I looked at myself. What have I worked hard for? I was always this easygoing guy. I am not stressed at all. Seldom would you see me stress out. So what do I work hard for? Maybe I should find that. For now, I have another window with Pokemon Glazed on it. I love Pokemon, maybe games in general. I love the feeling of being in another world and adventure. I plan on doing this once I finish the gall bladder operation. So on to adventure!
Today I noticed that I was trying to hide what I feel. I was with a couple of friends a few hours ago. Two of which I haven't seen for a very long time. I didn't try that much to talk to them because I don't know what to talk about. I felt that sudden isolation as if I'm in this void space. Two friends were talking with each other and then the other three were talking to each other. I would add in a couple of times but then I'd just shut up and eat. I swept that feeling off and pretended that I was a little bit aloof but still here to talk to them when they want some replies from me. Elbows on the table my right hand on my chin listening to all of them talk. It's ok, it's ok I thought. I ate, drank, talked a little bit, ate, drank and then went home. I was so full that I had to go to the bathroom. Then all of a sudden the swept up emotion was bursting inside me. I wept silently and pretended I was taking a poop. Wash the face to hide the tears I said to myself. I realized I needed some attention from other people. Appreciation or something like they can be interested in what I'm going to say. I'ved always thought that it was okay to hide in the spotlight and let others shine and that I was not as good as them. Tears rolled down from both cheeks. I yearned for someone to notice me, appreciate my existence. Then I tried to see who cares about me the most. My family does. Heck my dog also appreciates me. Now why should I plead for others to appreciate me if they don't want to? Tears rolled down my face still. Yes I can never be as good as them or as interesting as them and it's ok. Still tears were gushing out. To anyone who says you don't contribute to society or is interesting or you have nobody to talk to. Just look the other way. People that annoy you may it be your parents, friends, a pet, or something, they take notice of you and appreciate your existence in their lives. Find love in them and give that love back in return. You may not notice them now but there is always somebody or something there that reminds you that you are loved.