People stop me on the street all the time and they say, "Sebastian, look at you! How did all of this goodness on and within your body happen?" Or somesuch.
Well, it's not my diet (ew), exercise(yuck), or religion (Hey! Still a proud member of Lakewood Presyterian! Woot!) Nope, it's none of that.
It's coconut water. Yup! Coconut water!
"Wait, coconut water? Don't you mean coconut milk?" Actually, did you know the two are totally different? Coconut milk comes from the center of the coconut and coconut water is a variation on a derivative of said coconut essense. Or something of this nature.
(Add-a-task: Review differences b/t ccn mil vis-a-vis ccn wtr. et al)
See, coconut water is lighter, subtler and more physically, emotionally and psychology impactful. Coconut milk, like all dairy products, just makes you fat and stupid.
And the results? I have more vim/vigor. I have more energy. I can separate conjoined twins with my mind.
I don't get sick as much as I used to. And when I do, it's not as severe as it used to be.
Also, this one time I could swear to god I levitated.
And, I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I'm pretty sure the coconut water will help me live longer. Like, a lot longer. Like, maybe forever.
You laugh! But listen: There are Russians in Moscow who live to be 130-150 years old. How? Yogurt. Freaking yogurt, man. Gross! Coconut water totally kicks yogurts ass so, guess what, I'm not going to die. And also coconut water doesn't taste like pooped fruits.
Am I right?
Did I mention a diet rich in coco-2-0 (which is the nickname I've given my manna) enables me to see into other dimensions of time and space eventually?
Fine, yes, I have seen the scientific studies what have said that coconut water is not all that. And to that I have to say, shut up!
Look, just because someone puts on a lab coat doesn't mean they know everything. You know what else these "scientists" have said? Smoking is bad. Um, hello! You don't need a lab coat and MIT degree to know that's true. I can tell you that in this velour track suit!
So keep throwing me that anti-coconut water shade, keep rolling your eyes and keep talking behind my back at Sebastian Junior's soccer games, I'm going to keep drinking my coconut water.
Forever. Literally forever.
I swear. I haven't felt this good since I was on the pomegranate juice diet.