Matthew Johnson

Blogger and Freelancer

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Draft #2 "Other Skills and Rewards"

#1 I am currently on a job hunt and my first idea, which I have started to flush out, is the first 200 days of job hunting. I created unreasonable expectations of job hunting, in my head I thought I would have a job 2 months in. Obviously that is crazy (but no less crazy-making), but the idea is a journal or captains log of the first 200 days and the slow descent into madness. Structured like : Day 85. Submitted another 30 resumes. I’m in a computer screen haze.  I have recently finished The Newsroom and maybe I want to apply for like, producer jobs? I really like how Will McAvoy and Mackenzie Mchale have such high journalistic integrity, I really relate with that. Maybe that’s what I need to be looking at. Nevermind I have no experience, I’m sure CNN would take a shot with me. Still no responses to resumes submitted.

Ok, #2: I am recently married. While on our honeymoon in Hawaii, on the last night we returned from dinner to find a flower on our bed. This sent my new wife into a panic thinking someone had been in our room. I, the new husband, began to think about keeping her safe and to diffuse this before it was a full blown over reaction, called the front desk and asked if a maid had been by. The front desk guy said that absolute worst thing in that moment, "Hmm, that's weird, no I don't think so." Well, this confirmed my wifes suspicions and I began to panic. I started to think that someone cased our room, they were going to come back and kill us. I mean we were in a foriegn country after all (Hawaii). Later, after calling security, which was 3 HUGE samoan men, they said it was just turndown service. Which not only delfated my masculinity but also showed that I am not a fancy and accustomed to nice things. 

#3 I have an idea for a piece of fiction. I would love to flush it out in a longform piece but 500 words to get it started would be great. 

At some point in the future recycling finally catches on. Everything gets recycled. It started with plastic. Everyone one day realized that is was important to reuse all of the plastic they were using. Bottles, containers, toys, everything that was plastic people began to reuse for other various tasks. And then the news came. It was BPA this and BPA that. You can’t reuse the water-bottle because if you do the chemicals contained in the plastic will seep into the water and make you sick and you’ll grow an extra appendage. This appendage will then take on a personality of it’s own and kill you. It was and will be the science, trust me. So, to counter act this people would use a bottle once and then recycle it. This was great for society because recycling was something that took forever to catch on. 

Now because of the crazy recycling trend everything begins to become weaker. You can only wear clothes once because they begin to deteriate, you can push over stop signs accidentally. The Protag works for a Habitat for humanity type org, get frstrated because he can't do his job, goes on a journey to find good materials. He meets a group of new-hippes who hate recycling and want to make new things.

That's the quick idea. I am a big fan of Kurt Vonnegut so hopefully it would be sort of a dark satire.  

#4 I tweeted recently, not sure if anything is in this but I figured I would share it. "Has anyone told me that microwaves are bad? I feel like I should've heard something about this by now."

Ok thanks. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Looking forward to reading other posts. 

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This is a rough 1st draft. I envision it being the "skills and rewards" section of a resume that someone is oversharing in but still trying to maintain professionalism. I received a lot of feedback to move with the job hunting idea so this is my attempt to narrativize it. All thoughts are welcome!

Name: Matt Johnson. Reason for leaving previous position: Hostile work environment. Also, personal enrichment.

Previous Relevant Work History: None.

 

Other Skills or Rewards: Matt is an outgoing person with a people person personality that if you would allow him an interview he is sure that you would be impressed with his ability to talk and communicate. Matt places a high priority on eye contact and waiting on his turn to speak. He listens and critically engages in the conversation and makes meaningful contributions and rarely hijacks the discussion. He is very aware of his surroundings and finds it frustrating when people story top and hates office relationships.

 

Matt is widely read as well as watches a lot of television. He considers this a strength because of how closely his finger is to the pulse of current society. He remembers watching the first episode of Community thinking, “I think we got something here.” He watched that episode because he was already familiar with its writers and directors from other ventures and not because Lindsey mentioned it. He  already knew.

 

He finds himself comfortable in an office environment as well as a working from home situation. He always gets great feedback on company wide emails. He is able to swing between the highly professional information emails and the funny, quirky work appropriate limericks that Lindsey approved. He always gets great feedback and emoticons seem to just fall from the sky.   

 

Matt is a wizard at water cooler conversation and gossip. However, he does not like to get involved in the gossip. He has been known to stir the metaphorical chili from time to time. But, each time he does that he has felt bad but intended it to be all in fun. Except for that one time when Lindsey was definitely deserving of that demotion because she would always take longer lunch breaks because she didn’t have to clock in and out. Just because you’re a unit supervisor doesn’t mean you’re above the rules Lindsey.

 

That’s kind of employee you can expect from Matt. He is a good worker that upholds the standards of the office but knows when to have a laugh but never at someone else’s expense. Except for when Lindsey sends you misleading emails that are confusing. That one time Lindsey sent me an email that said, “Hey, can I ask you something?” Matt responded with “Of course!!” Matt intentionally put two exclamations points to show interest and to be a bit silly but not to seem overly anxious or excited about the reply. Matt didn’t hear anything back except for normal office emails about productivity. Matt thought there could be something between Matt and Lindsey because she was nice and seemed to appreciate the impression of Steve Buscemi at the Laundromat Matt did. But, then to not hear anything back about that email made Matt wonder what he did. He reached his productivity levels, continued with his weekly silly emails that everyone seemed to enjoy and that Lindsey approved but nothing.

 

This is something you can expect from Matt. Matt will always follow up with emails and respond to emails. He understands social conventions and what people need. Just a simple reply with a Yes or No to an email for after work drinks at a happy hour. There’s no real commitment to eat the $2 hamburgers and $1 beers. Just tell Matt so he doesn’t sit alone at the table in corner that he saw you sit at that one time before.


Here is a list of Matt’s qualities that Lindsey did not appreciate:

  • Use of interesting fonts in reports.
  • Good dresser
  • Arrival on time and leaving no earlier than 5.
  • Standing in the parking lot after work telling you that you were better than that Steven guy.
  • Complimenting your subtle shoe choice.
  • Never taking a full hour for lunch

 

Oh and also, Matt would definitely not come into work a little late the day after a three day weekend parading a new engagement ring from Steven. Matt definitely understands what is work appropriate and what is not.

 

Matt looks forward to hearing from you.

Salary is negotiable.  

Can start immediately. 

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Draft 2: I tried not to offer much of an explenation of the first fraft so as to get a fair reading from you guys. Now, I have taken your notes and each person's different reading and tried to fix it. The goal of this piece is the main character Matt Johnson is oversharing in the "Other Skills and Awards" section of a resume'. At his previous job he was heartbroken by Lindsey. Now, he just cannot seem to get over her and it is affecting his new job possibilty. Thanks for your help and insight. 

Name: Matt Johnson. Reason for leaving previous position: Hostile work environment. Also, personal enrichment.

Matt is an outgoing person and places a high priority on interpersonal interactions that really mean something. He is not interested in games and signals, instead he likes to be to the point and clear. If you would allow him an interview he is sure that you would be impressed with his ability to talk and communicate. Matt places a high priority on eye contact and waiting on his turn to speak. He listens and critically engages in the conversation and makes meaningful contributions and rarely hijacks the discussion. He is very aware of his surroundings and is a man of his word and has never been accused of “leading some one along,” He also hates office relationships.

Matt is widely read as he watches a lot of television. He considers this a strength because of how closely his finger is to the pulse of current society. He remembers watching the first episode of Community at Lindsey’s house thinking, “I think we got something here.” (With Lindsey, Matt likes the show fine.) He left that evening excited about the future (Of the show and possibly Lindsey).

Matt is a wizard at water cooler conversation and gossip. However, he does not like to get involved in the gossip. He has been known to stir the metaphorical chili from time to time. But, each time he does that he has felt bad but intended it to be all in fun. Except for that one time when Lindsey was talking to Steven in the hall near the copier. We have quota’s to meet, we don’t have time to flirt with Steven, Lindsey. 

That’s the kind of employee you can expect from Matt. He is a good worker that upholds the standards of the office but knows when to have a laugh but never at someone else’s expense. Except for when Lindsey sends you misleading emails that are confusing. That one time Lindsey sent Matt an email that said, “Hey, can I ask you something?” Matt responded with “Of course!!” Matt intentionally put two exclamations points to show interest and to be a bit silly but not to seem overly anxious or excited about the reply. Matt didn’t hear anything back except for normal office emails about productivity. Matt thought there could be something between Matt and Lindsey because she was nice and seemed to appreciate the impression of Steve Buscemi at the Laundromat Matt did. But, then to not hear anything back about that email made Matt wonder what he did. He reached his productivity levels, continued with his weekly silly emails that everyone seemed to enjoy and that Lindsey always sent versions of :0), ;-),  but nothing.

He finds himself comfortable in an office environment as well as a working from home situation. Matt loves interpersonal office relationships. He apologized to Stephen for the one time he poked holes in the squares for his crossword puzzle he kept at his desk. It was impulsive and he regretted it.  

Matt understands social conventions and what people need. Just a simple reply with a Yes or No to an email for after work drinks at a happy hour. There’s no real commitment to eat the $2 hamburgers and $1 beers. Just tell Matt so he doesn’t sit alone at the table in corner that you and Matt sat at that one time before.


Here is a list of Matt’s qualities that Lindsey did not appreciate:

  • Use of interesting fonts in reports.
  • Good dresser
  • Arrival on time and leaving no earlier than 5.
  • Standing in the parking lot and not bad-mouthing that Steven guy, when he totally could’ve.
  • Complimenting your subtle shoe choice.
  • Never taking a full hour for lunch

 

Oh and also, Matt would definitely not come into work a little late the day after a three day weekend parading a new engagement ring from Steven. Matt definitely understands what is work appropriate and what is not.

 

Matt looks forward to hearing from you about your open McDonalds cashier position.

Salary is negotiable. 

Can start immediately. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Final Draft: Sorry for the lateness, busy easter. Thanks everyone for reading and your notes. They we're all really helpful. 

Name: Matt Johnson. Reason for leaving previous position: Hostile work environment. Also, personal enrichment.

Matt is an outgoing person and places a high priority on interpersonal interactions that really mean something. He is not interested in games and signals, instead he likes to be to the point and clear. If you would allow him an interview he is sure that you would be impressed with his ability to talk and communicate. Matt places a high priority on eye contact and waiting on his turn to speak. He listens and critically engages in the conversation and makes meaningful contributions and rarely hijacks the discussion. He is very aware of his surroundings and is a man of his word and has never been accused of “leading someone along,” He also hates office relationships.

 

Matt is widely read as he watches a lot of television. He considers this a strength because of how closely his finger is to the pulse of current society. He remembers watching the first episode of Community at Lindsey’s house thinking, “I think we got something here.” (With Lindsey, Matt likes the show fine.) He left that evening excited about the future (Of the show and possibly Lindsey).

 

Matt is a wizard at water cooler conversation and gossip. However, he does not like to get involved in the gossip. He has been known to stir the metaphorical chili from time to time. But, each time he does that he has felt bad but intended it to be all in fun. Except for that one time when Lindsey was talking to Steven in the hall near the copier. We have quota’s to meet, we don’t have time to flirt with Steven, Lindsey.

 

That’s the kind of employee you can expect from Matt. He is a good worker that upholds the standards of the office but knows when to have a laugh but never at someone else’s expense. Except for when Lindsey sends you misleading emails that are confusing. That one time Lindsey sent Matt an email that said, “Hey, can I ask you something?” Matt responded with “Of course!!” Matt intentionally put two exclamations points to show interest and to be a bit silly but not to seem overly anxious or excited about the reply. Matt didn’t hear anything back except for normal office emails about productivity. Matt thought there could be something between Matt and Lindsey because she was nice and seemed to appreciate the impression of Steve Buscemi at the Laundromat Matt did. But, then to not hear anything back about that email made Matt wonder what he did. He reached his productivity levels, continued with his weekly silly emails that everyone seemed to enjoy and that Lindsey always sent versions of :0), ;-),  but nothing.

 

He finds himself comfortable in an office environment as well as a working from home situation. Matt loves interpersonal office relationships. He apologized to Stephen for the one time he poked holes in the squares for his crossword puzzle he kept at his desk. It was impulsive and he regretted it.  

Matt understands social conventions and what people need. Just a simple reply with a Yes or No to an email for after work drinks at a happy hour. There’s no real commitment to eat the $2 hamburgers and $1 beers. Just tell Matt so he doesn’t sit alone at the table in corner that you and Matt sat at that one time before.

 

Here is a list of Matt’s qualities that Lindsey did not appreciate:

 

  • Use of interesting fonts in reports.

  • Not correcting her use of their, there and they’re.

  • Flowers on Lindsey’s half birthday

  • Standing in the parking lot and not bad-mouthing that Steven guy, when he totally could’ve.

  • Complementing your subtle shoe choice.

  • Never taking a full hour for lunch

Oh and also, Matt would definitely not come into work a little late the day after a three day weekend parading a new engagement ring from Steven. Matt definitely understands what is work appropriate and what is not.

Matt looks forward to hearing from you about your open McDonalds cashier position.

Salary is negotiable.

Can start immediately.

 

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