Aaron Heinrich

Wonder where that road goes?

11

40

Broken

I'm combining the two poems Benjamin Pantier and Mrs. Benjamin Pantier from Spoonriver Anthology. These two people clearly have a lot of baggage between them that I thought would be interesting to explore. There's also an underlying sadness to their relationship that makes you wonder if they were always miserable with each other or did that happen over time. 

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As I began to write the story inspired by these two poems, I kept imagining Benjamin buying his wife flowers in a last ditch effort to win back her attention if not her love. And the last two lines of his poem gave me a way to define his future.

Under my Jaw-bone is snuggled the bony nose of Nig

Our story is lost in silence.

Go by, Mad World!

Then in the poem Mrs. Benjamin Pantier, I kept imagining her like a sleepy cat, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. The world she and her husband inhabit became defined by these lines:

You are a woman well endowed,

And the only man with whom the law and morality

Permit you to have the marital relation

Is the very man that fills you with disgust.

Theirs is a world full of broken promises, lives...and hearts.

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LOGLINE:  A broken down lawyer is pushed to the brink by his unsympathetic shrew of a wife.

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First draft is here.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5EKz6rfdUqVTJPcENLcVEwcmM/edit?usp=sharing

Any and all comments welcome and appreciated.

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SECOND DRAFT IS HERE

I cleaned up some places that were too literary. And made some format changes. Per some previous suggestions I drew the ending out a bit more by breaking up the description of the action so that it was clear Benjamin wasn't acting quickly at this point. 

Appreciate all of the previous suggestions and input. I'm trying not to like this so much I don't change much else, but there's a flow to it that seems right at this point. Any further input is still much appreciated. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5EKz6rfdUqXzN6Unh1dThldG8/edit?usp=sharing 

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NEXT DRAFT READY FOR INPUT

Thanks again to everyone who provided feedback. I tightened up the seen in the florist, and added a bit more direction to John in that scene to give a better sense of what could be going on with him. Then changed up what Sylvie is doing when we first meet her to give her more to do, and allude to something more. 

Almost at the end of the course here, but any further feedback is welcome. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5EKz6rfdUqZzlqUmZRZDl4cEE/edit?usp=sharing

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HERE'S MY STORY

I've tried my hand at screenwriting as a career several times, and gotten close...but not close enough. My wife got cancer, we ended up moving up and down the California coast for work, and now here I am.  

My personal log line: Writer says to hell with what's been and gives it another shot. 

With one more week left in this course, would appreciate any input and all of the Likes you feel free to give me. If I don't get a chance to give the same feedback in return, my apologies.

Thanks in advance. 

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FINAL VERSION

Here you go. I think this should incorporate much of the last round of feedback in terms of clarifying Benjamin's reaction in the flower shop, giving Sylvie action and clarifying what she's doing. Plus, cleaning up some points that were leftovers from previous drafts. 

I really appreciate the input from everyone. Additional last minute feedback is still welcome. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5EKz6rfdUqTHhlT1hCNU1JTFU/edit?usp=sharing 

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NEXT FINAL VERSION

I had some additional feedback on one element of the script related to the insurance salesman. So rather than any dialog from him, the scene is now much shorter but with Benjamin discovering him. I also shortened up the dialog just a bit between him and Sylvie in the next scene.

Additional feedback at this point is still welcome. Thanks!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_5EKz6rfdUqNFNkY1ZfcGhGMDQ/edit?usp=sharing

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