Being the girl I want to be.

I started this journey out as a 5'9'', ~160 lb unmotivated and depressed girl with ADD and mild addictions to candy, and video games with many, many casual hobbies that I would jump around to, but no real passion for anything solid.  I had the full knowledge that other people had it worse than I did, but I still couldn't shake the feeling of constant sadness, lethargy, and anger at who I saw in the mirror.  I wore boy clothes to hide my figure, and my personality. I rejected anything "girly" and tried to make a persona for myself that could be happy while also hiding who I was (and somehow got confused when the sadness didn't go away)

 I was in my 3rd year of 5 in University studying Engineering and thinking about dropping out because everything was just too hard, I hated learning what I was learning, and my family didn't understand why their intelligent daughter who got straight-As through Elementary and High School suddenly stopped showing them her grades and spent most of her time in her bedroom, or in the basement playing video games. I didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't know if I was good at anything, if at all, and even if I was, if I could persue it to success. I didn't know who I was anymore, because I had hidden all of my unique traits to be someone else so that I wouldn't get judged by anyone, negatively or positively. I basically had no identity, and no goals.

And then there was this boy...

This boy was the complete opposite of me. He is constantly driven by ambition. He constantly has a plan for his immediate future. He rejects anything that slows down his progress.  He has a passion that he loves, puts effort into, and doesn't stay in ruts for long.

It is kind of mindblowing to think that we ended up together, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This boy has taught me what it means to put effort into something. Instead of giving up when the going gets too hard, taking it as a challenge, and using that passion to accelerate yourself further.  Since moving in with him, my lifestyle has dramatically changed from what I was once used to.  I have lost 15 pounds over 6 months, and have now gotten into the position where I need to put in more effort to get the results I truly want.  With my unmotivated history, this does not bode well for me...

However, I am in love, and I have never felt more truly alive than when I am immersed in his life.  I am in love and I want to be a better me, so that I can love better (and maybe look awesome in a wedding dress one day ;) )

So... that's basically why I am here.


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