Christine Nishiyama

Picture Books I: Write Your Story

Rachel! This is AWESOME! I love it so much! You've done a fantastic job, and I can tell you've put a lot of work into it. I think your story and writing are really strong, and you illustration notes are right on point. You've done an amazing job balancing word and pictures, and letting the pictures tell part of the story instead of just repeating what the words say! And that's the hardest part about a picture book! You also did a great job keeping it short and not writing unnecessary stuff! Like I said, it's really strong, but I do have a few minor suggestions if you're interested: <ul><li>The opening is a tad weak compared to the rest of the story. Opening with "once there was..." is a bit overdone, I wonder if you just opened it with "Astro loved cheese." it would be stronger? More to the point as well.</li> <li>I love the line about breakfast, lunch, and tea, and the cheese tree!</li> <li>"He searched everywhere for his beloved cheese, but there was none to be found" I think this might flow better as: "but there was no cheese to be found." Then maybe instead of "none at all, not anywhere" it could be "no cheese at all, not anywhere". Repetition is good! And cheese is such a fun word to say too.</li> <li>Great job including the illo note about the moon poster! That really let's the picture tell part of the story and speak to the reader.</li> <li>"Astro knew what he must do, and begun" I think this should be "began".</li> <li>"And he worked hard for many days and nights" I think this flows better as "And he worked hard for many days and many nights." Makes it a bit more lyrical/rhythmic.</li> <li>"And he would bring them some cheese too." I like the concept of this line, that he'll bring cheese for his friends, but the way it's written is a bit weak, and doesn't match the rhythm of other lines.</li> <li>LOVE that you made the blast off spread wordless!</li> <li>The last page also seems a tad weak, and leaves me feeling a little unsatisfied. Maybe it needs a line of text to wrap things up? And it also makes me wonder if he didn't bring his friends back cheese? It's kind of a loose end that doesn't get tied up, and kind of makes him seem like a jerk that he promised them cheese, but then just ate it all himself haha. Maybe the last spread could be him each on the moon, but then the last page (that should be just a page and not a full spread in most books), could be him sharing it with his friends or something? That would also give your character some nice change which makes a story much stronger. He would go from selfish to sharing! But definitely keep it understated if you decide to go that way, shouting morals in picture books is bland.</li> </ul>Ok, I think that's all my comments! Your story is SUPER strong and you've done a really awesome job with it. I think with just a little refinement, it will be even better! Keep up the great work! :D

Christine! Your comments have been so helpful, thank you so much for your time. I agree with the points you raised completely, especially the ending. I got a little stuck there. I absolutely love the suggestion of him returning home and sharing his cheese findings with his friends, and not being a jerk hahaha. Love it.
I have made notes of all of the above and will put it into action! Looking forward to the next stages. Thank you again - so helpful :)

Hey Rachel! Great pick for your picture book! I love Oliver Jeffers, and that one looks amazing! Can't wait to see what you come up with! :)

UNIT 3: First Draft Astro Cat Third Person, Single POV Easy reader, funny/silly Word count: 161 _ Once there was a cat, his name was Astro. And he loved cheese. He loved cheese so much that he ate it for breakfast, and again for lunch, and once more at tea. He had cheese dreams, and even tried to grow a cheese tree. Until one day he ate all the cheese in sight, but it wasn't enough.  He needed more. He searched everywhere for his beloved cheese, but there was none to be found. None at all, not anywhere. Until something caught his eye. Astro knew what he must do, and begun to build a rocket to take him to the moon. He gathered all the things that he thought he might need, and he worked hard for many days and nights.  His friends thought that he was crazy, but he didn’t mind.  With his rocket ready Astro said goodbye to his friends and assured them he would be home soon. And he would bring them some cheese too. Resolution *No text* Illustration of blast off/ cats waving goodbye, people cheering ‘astro cat’ signs. Travel in space on route to the moon* Solution Last page. Illustration - Astro kicking back on the moon snacking on an abundance of cheese. _ Here it is again with the outline and some more context for illustrations I have in mind to fill in the gaps. *Illustration ideas are in italics* Introduce Character/ want/ problem Once there was a cat, his name was Astro. And he loved cheese. He loved cheese so much that he ate it for breakfast, and again for lunch, and once more at tea. He had cheese dreams, and even tried to grow a cheese tree. *funny cheese ‘scene’ dream bubbles, and comparison of an imagined cheese tree with other fruits and vegetables, watering a piece of cheese stuck in a pot of dirt* Conflict Until one day he ate all the cheese in sight, but it wasn't enough.  He needed more. Obstacle/Action #1 He searched everywhere for his beloved cheese, but there was none to be found. *building contraptions to open fridges, juggling for cheese on the street* None at all, not anywhere. *searching under the couch, hiking to mountain tops and beyond* Obstacle/Action #2 Until something caught his eye. *rumour ‘Moon made of Cheese’ poster/advertisement in the street/ on a TV or something*  Astro knew what he must do, and begun to build a rocket to take him to the moon. *making blueprints of a rocket* He gathered all the things that he thought he might need, *stealing funny/miscellaneous household items to build rocket* and he worked hard for many days and nights.  *Double page spread showing day time/night fall - days passing* Low point His friends thought that he was crazy, but he didn’t mind.  *cat friends meowing and mucking about, meanwhile he’s building his rocket by candlelight or something.* Obstacle/Action #3 With his rocket ready Astro said goodbye to his friends and assured them he would be home soon. And he would bring them some cheese too. Resolution *No text* Illustration of blast off/ cats waving goodbye, people cheering ‘astro cat’ signs. Travel in space on route to the moon* Solution Last page. Illustration - Astro kicking back on the moon snacking on an abundance of cheese. End _ Ok - help! haha. For whatever reason I feel like some parts of it sound like it's trying to rhyme and it wasn't intentional and I tried to correct it but then the story started to feel flat. I would love to hear your feedback on my first attempt at getting the idea down. Some things I would like to work on is a little more interesting or expressive wording that helps set the scene for some silliness in the illustration, I've tried not to give too much away in the text because I'm imagining a lot of narrative in the illustration itself to add depth to the story. Let me know how I did! Open to all comments and feedback :)

Hey Rachel, I can't format comment replies, so I replied to this up above in a new comment so it was more legible! :)

Unit 2:  • How many pages is it? 32, but the front matter lives on the back of the endpaper before page 1; the title. • What’s the word count? 278 • What elements are in the front matter? Full title, Author/Illustrator, Dedication, Publisher, Copyright info • On what page does the story begin? 2 • How many spreads for the story? 15 • Do any pictures get caught in the gutter? Yes, but no critical information is lost • Is there an author’s note? Yes, on the dust jacket • How are the end papers treated? The front endpapers have a pattern, the back end papers have two individual illustrations

<img src="https://static.skillshare.com/cdn-cgi/image/quality=80,width=1000,format=auto/uploads/project/9c70443f12fd34243d6943c779a873bc/230b5859" class="zoomable rounded-image-wrapper" alt="Astro Cat - image 1 - student project" srcset="https://static.skillshare.com/cdn-cgi/image/quality=80,width=600,format=auto/uploads/project/9c70443f12fd34243d6943c779a873bc/230b5859 600w, https://static.skillshare.com/cdn-cgi/image/quality=80,width=1000,format=auto/uploads/project/9c70443f12fd34243d6943c779a873bc/230b5859 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 600px) 600px, 100vw" loading="lazy">
Oh, hello&nbsp;:)
You have stumbled upon the beginnings of my picture book development.
Here's what I'm logging today:
Unit 1: I plan to write an easy reader. One of my favourite picture books is&nbsp;The Heart and the Bottle&nbsp;by Oliver Jeffers.

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