Evan Eggers

Writer, Comic, Snugglepuss. Rad as the day is long

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An Open Apology From Clickbait

 

Heyyyyyyyyy! Its me! Your old pal Clickbait! First off I just want to say how fantastic you look! I mean you’re a little chubby, and I have a magic pill that doctors don’t want you to know about that can melt the fat away without exercise and also make your orgasms longer and bring back one dead relative of your choosing, but lets get to that later.  I’m here now because I’m trying to repair our fractured relationship. 

 

I’ve noticed you’ve been sour on me lately, and I guess I see your point. I’m everywhere.

Facebook walls, Twitter Feeds, News sites, and one time I even imported myself into your iTunes library against your will, which I have to admit, was me at my worst. 

And, yes, admittedly I sometimes say I’m going to do one thing, and then do another for no apparent reason. Like, I’ll show you a link to an article entitled, “You’ll Never Believe Why You’ve Never Seen Jon Hamm and That Anti Semitic Times Square Elmo in the Same Place at the Same Time”, and it just turns out to be an article about Mad Men Quotes. Plus, I’d be a Grade A Son of a B if I didn’t acknowledge the time I said “Start Slideshow”, then made the “Next” button blend in with a google ad. I’ve never claimed to be perfect, in fact I could give you an article about Top 10 Reasons Im Not Perfect, but Im not here to bore you. 

     

Clearly I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not such a bad guy. Let he who is without sin cast the first pop up blocker.  In the end, I provide valuable services to the people of this great nation.

First off, I bridge, the curiosity gap. Everyone loves a nice bridge! Bridges are a testament to modern mans genius! They're strong, and they connect us to worlds we never knew existed! If bridges didn’t exist, the iconic opening for the show Full House would have just been a camera panning across an open river. It would have made no sense! And you say I’m just getting in the way of real news? How rude!

I’m always hearing people complain that my articles end in cliffhangers. People LOVE cliffhangers! Why do you think the show Alias lasted for 5 seasons!? It took 5 years for people to realize that the story on that show was so thread bare it could have been written in crayon, because every episode ended in a cliffhanger. 

For gods sake, I tried to help you make your PENIS BIGGER!

How do you think I feel About it?! Have you ever once stopped to think about how these attacks make ME feel?

     If you think I’m going to be that easy to get rid of, you’ve got another thing coming! I’ve been around longer than prostitution and talking snakes combined! 

You wanna see some other examples of my handy work!? 

Um, okay, off the top of my head, Carnival Barkers. That was me! Yelling at you to come inside a brightly painted, striped tent, and getting you to shell out the 10 cents you earned for cleaning chimneys to see an overweight woman with a beard glued to her goddamn face! I, did that! Then I sold you heroin in a bottle on the way out! And you loved it!

How about the goddamn local news?! Oh, you’re never going to believe how a simple leak in your basement could kill your children in there sleep! And we’ll tell you all about it after a story about a big hamburger! 

Or how about one of my biggest achievements, racist WWII propaganda?! Im soooooo sorry I HELPED SAVE DEMOCRACY! 

You think you’re too good for me? You’re tired of seeing me on your Facebook wall? You think you can cast me aside and wipe me out? Well you can’t, and you won’t, because whether or not you want to admit it, you NEED ME! You NEED ME up on that Facebook wall, because I protect you from you. I use words like You, Wont, and Believe. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent shining a light on something. Shining a light on a dark corner of the American experiment that you want to ignore. You think I purposely misled you? You wanna know if I misled you with links that were titled in such a way as to trick you into reading a little more often? WELL YOURE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

Also neon.

I invented neon. 

Haven’t seen one royalty check. 

Look lets make this work again. It hasn’t been all bad has it? Remember that time you saw the flashy ad telling you you could win an iPod, if you could just shoot a slowly moving Osama Bin Laden?

Remember how good you felt when it said “Winner!” and took you to a new site, even though you knew damn well you missed by a mile? That felt great right?!  You thought, “Hey, maybe there’s a glitch in the system somewhere, and I just got lucky!” You started to believe good things could happen to you again. THATS what I’m all about! Im here to help! I want you to realize all the wonder and beauty and good fortune the world has out there! Lets let bygones be bygones. 

Heyyyyyy, to make up for it, I brought you something that made me think of you. Its an article called the "11 Things No One Told You Happened on the Pulp Fiction Set”, that turns out to be an article called “20 Things You Didn’t Know About “Pulp Fiction””, and also opens up 20 more interesting articles. There you go, theres that dead eyed acceptance I fell in love with. You can finish that Skillshare project later. 

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