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A Small Realisation

I'll admit that I wasn't expecting much from this class, if anything at all, as usually I've heard it all before, and having only an hour for the class to make me uncover my PURPOSE and my PASSIONS and my PATH seemed a little unrealistic.

But you know what? I HAVE realised something new. Well, sort of new. It's not entirely NEW news to me, but seeing it from a slightly different perspective has made me have a small realisation of why I do things. Or rather why I start to do things.

The page in particular I have photographed has been the one to trigger this thought.

First I will give an explanation:

My background has always been something with art and craft, and I always thought I'd aspire to be an artist, just because nothing else seemed desirable to be when I grew up. But now in my mid-20's with a job as an Education Officer (I teach workshops in various digital skills to young adults - adults not in education) it has taken about over half of my time up, and art and craft have become just a hobby.

I have tried several times to motivate myself to start an online shop on the side and sell things I create, but whenever I go to make something I instantly get demotivated as I know what I create probably isn't good enough for someone to want it. Even when someone has pointed at something and said "Oh that's good!" it still never satisfies me to create to sell.

I even changed the name I was doing my art under to have the word "sporadic" in it to reflect that my art happens at spur of the moments (or rather when I can even get the time). It has been really getting me down that I cannot create something I feel is worthy to someone else.

So upon seeing my notes on this exercise I wrote what I thought I was 'projecting' to people, that I am an artist always painting and drawing, always busy with the workshops or setting up the gaming events business that is happening. When it came to writing the reality behind those things, I couldn't think of anything else to write other than the common theme of doing them for myself. This was only a suprise to me because even though my thoughts behind these things are "I'll do this today because I want to..."  it also had attached to it the thought of "... but make it good enough for someone else."

Seeing the Real Life column and comparing it to the pie chart of how much spending time on my hobbies means to me slightly made me realise that although I have been saying I do things for myself, I actually don't. I had been doing them with the expectations of standards to sell things and have that career as an artist I always wanted.

Now I realise that I shouldn't aim to be an artist at all, because that is making me think of the expectations behind it. What I should be doing instead is creating and making for MYSELF. Do a doodle and not make it perfect. Start that oil painting but don't expect to finish it. Knit that cardigan a line at a time, even if you have to unravel the whole blooming thing and start over. It is for myself, no one else.ee3f9f8b

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