14 Days of Messages to Myself

14 Days of Messages to Myself - student project

Day 14

 

You Get To...

 

Today, I let myself buy a new dress. Not because I need one or because I'm going anywhere. For real, I'm not going ANYWHERE. But, I've had my eye on this dress for a while and it finally went on sale and so, I bought it. So there you have it. A shallow Art Journal Entry. 14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 1 - student project

 

These past 14 days have been awesome and intense and hard work.  Some days it was fun, other days, not so much.  But I'm so thankful for taking the time to do this.  <3 

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 2 - student project

 

Day 13

 

Use Your Wounds

 

I could have gone so many directions with this. But one thing that has been on my mind lately is thinking about the confident child I was when I was young and wondering what happened. When I really sat with that for a while, I realized that around the age of 6-7 I started hearing messages about how I should behave as a girl. There was a moment where things just changed. Suddenly I was told to be more sweet, to be quiet, not to stand out (especially if you're not good at something, no matter how much you enjoy it). Being "pretty" became a major topic of conversation with adult women around me, commenting on the importance of being thin, having pretty hair, etc. I realize as an adult that these women meant well. They were told the same sorts of things. They were voicing their own insecurities out loud. But these comments didn't serve me. I've spent so much time trying to measure up to what I'm "supposed" to be. Let's throw these statements out from now. I don't want to be defined by these arbitrary standards.

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 3 - student project

 

Day 12

 

Cheer Yourself On

 

I can count the times I have felt good about my appearance since March on one hand.  I haven't been wearing makeup or doing my hair often.  What's the point, I'm not going anywhere?  Right?  Today I WAS going somewhere.  I was going to deliver my mail in ballot to vote.  I wanted to style my hair and put on some makeup so I could take a photo in front of the courthouse.  Unfortunately, life got in the way and I was rushing out the door after finishing math homework, I made it with 5 minutes to spare before the courthouse closed.  I joked this summer that I never imagined myself as a girl with a "signature" hairstyle but that apparently the messy bun is my new signature look.  And, that's exactly what I was sporting when I turned in my ballot today.  I have to remember, we are all doing the best we can right now.  

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 4 - student project

 

Day 11 

 

Use a different tone.

 

I thought I'd struggle more with this but no matter how hard I tried to shake my message, it was clear as a bell.  OMG SHUT UP!  I love my family.  I do.  But I'm an introvert and being quarantined with two people who seem to need something from me constantly is getting to me.  My husband walked into our bedroom 3 TIMES in less than 5 minutes while I was attempting to get dressed today...  What would you like for lunch?  What else did I need at Lowes?  Oh hey, what day is Trick or Treat?  Please just let me get dressed in peace!  And my kid God love him, but he eats constantly.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I sort of became one by default because of his disability and need for someone to take him to therapies, help him with schoolwork etc.  Now it's amped up because I need to keep him home to protect him right now so I'm an accidental homeschooler!  I'm so tired.  And I swear if I had to name a quote for 2020 it would be, "Mom!  I need a snack."  The constant interruptions to my day are really wearing me down.  

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 5 - student project  

 

Day 10

 

Reframing.

 

I know I've shared about not feeling like enough.  But the other side of the coin is being too much.  On one side I feel like I am not enough of the things I am supposed to be (the best mom, a great wife, creative, funny) etc.  On the other side, I am too much of the things I shouldn't be.  I'm too loud, too opinionated, too bossy, too big, too...much. 

 

I'm currently reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle.  I'm only 50 pages in but I feel it so hard.  She discusses being tamed by the things we are taught as girls we are supposed to be.  I was a very confident girl, but I can remember specific moments in growing up that chipped away at that confidence until I wanted to be smaller, more quite, and the ideal woman.  Shrinking more and more into the roles society dictated for me.  Specific moments starting at the age of 7, already telling me, I didn't fit.  I shake hands too firmly, I talk too loud, I challenge people...  In the very first part of the book Glennon talks about a Cheetah at a zoo, trained to be tame and run after a pink bunny tied to a Jeep for the entertainment of kids and bored parents.  She thinks of the Cheetah longing for something more but feeling it's silly to want more than what she has.  Glennon wants to tell the Cheetah, you're not crazy to long for more, you're a damn cheetah!  Maybe just maybe, I'm not wrong.  Maybe the mold created for me is wrong.  Maybe...  I am a cheetah.  

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 6 - student project

 

Day 9

My best friend would tell me I'm a GREAT mom.  

 

2020 has been rough on my feelings of worth. I have more on my plate than ever yet I feel like I’m not doing enough. Never doing enough. Whenever I have one of those days I text my bestie and she tells me a story about how she mom failed and I tell her how I mom failed and then we laugh. No one makes me feel like I’m doing my best the way she does.

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 7 - student project

 

Day 8

Today’s prompt was, “It’s OK....” I finally settled on “Its Okay to get political.” I really wanted to take the easy way out and say, “It’s Okay to get another plant.”  LOL (Also, I think I'm going to get another plant, just because.)

 

I spent the past couple of days writing out postcards for a Congressional candidate that I believe in. I hesitated before sharing it on Facebook because I know I have friends who disagree with me politically. But taking a backseat in politics comes from a place of knowing that you’re safe no matter who is in charge. So, please, get involved and vote! Let your voice be heard.

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 8 - student project

 

Day 7 

 

Give yourself permission...  To be alone.  This introvert needs some time alone.  I love my husband and son but I need a day alone in the car singing show tunes and going nowhere.  

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 9 - student project

 

Day 6 

 

Active listening throughout the day.  

 

The message that stood out was to do things that bring me joy.  I've been so busy and it seems indulgent to just do things for fun.  

 

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 10 - student project

 

Day 5

 

I’ve been trying to set aside time to do things I enjoy. Trying to tune into me. Who am I outside of the titles life and the world have given me? Sure I’m a wife, a mom, suddenly a teaching assistant, a sister, a daughter... but who am I? I’m trying to get to know that person again and be reintroduced to her.

 

While it's true that I'm busier than I have ever been because I am teaching my kiddo at home full time and feeding him elventyhundred snacks a day etc.  I'm also home more than ever before.  The things I used to do to fill up my time, like hunting through thrift stores, or going to movies, are no longer available to me.  (No judgement if you're currently enjoying those things!  My kiddo has special needs and a compromised immune system so we're in the position of being more careful than many.)  I've been doing things I've always wanted to do but never made a priority.  I started this challenge to make myself create something every day.  I started taking singing lessons with a voice coach online, because I've always enjoyed singing but was told my whole life I'm not good at it.  I plan to start taking piano lessons as soon as we can move our piano to our new home.  And...  I'm feeling more like "me" than I have in a very long time.  These are not external things the world values, (losing weight, exercise, having the best treats for Halloween) these are things I value.  14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 11 - student project

 

Day 4

 

No one is more unkind to me than me.  So, I wrote myself a "love letter."  Some of the text got lost in the illustration but I know what it says and that's what matters.  <3 Sitting with the discomfort of being open to kindness directed at me was very, very hard.  14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 12 - student project

 

Day 3

After joining in for the hand sewing/embroidery workshop I signed up for even though I didn’t have time to pick up my supplies because well... life, the theme of embracing imperfections emerged. Since I didn’t have sewing supplies I grabbed my sketchbook and markers. I drew inspiration, directions, and wrote down little things the instructor said that struck me. I wrote down many things but a couple that stood out while reflecting on my day included “Flaws and Imperfections are interesting and beautiful” and “Embrace imperfection.” As I sat down to draw I couldn’t shake the feeling that was the message I needed to receive today. So, I present to you, “Embrace Imperfections.” I’m embracing this drawing, even if it might be difficult to read the text. 14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 13 - student project Embrace all your interesting and beautiful imperfections today. 14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 14 - student project14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 15 - student project

 

Day 2

I chose the word “Grow” because I have been craving the chance to learn things I’ve always wanted to do. Setting aside time for myself has been extra tough during this time. I have had to be very intentional in making the time for creativity and learning. I hope at the end of 2020 I can look back on this year as a time of growth.

14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 16 - student project

 

Day 1

I've always struggled with thinking I am not good enough, not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, whatever enough...  2020 has brought that out in full force.  I'm schooling my kiddo at home because he has special needs and is at increased risk if he get's Covid 19.  I feel like I'm not being a good enough mom or teacher.  My kiddo is lonely and misses other kids.  I'm worried he'll suffer academically as a result.  I'm a travel planner and I can't be motivated to promote travel right now because it feels somewhat irresponsible to do so.  I'm a wife but at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give my husband.  I literally don't even feel like talking.  Add to all that, I've never been good at art/drawing and this brings out all the insecurities.  Though, I have appreciated doing the Inktober Workshop because it's forcing me to set aside an hour for myself every single day.

 

As I sat listening for that inner voice, I just kept hearing, "You're enough."  I am enough?  Really?  Clearly, this is a message I needed to hear.  

At the end of the day, no matter how much I feel I've failed, my kiddo asks me to snuggle in and tuck him in for bed.  As a family we all pile into the bed, tell stories, talk about the high point of our days and just spend 20 minutes together.  No matter what, I get that 20 minutes right every day.  14 Days of Messages to Myself - image 17 - student project