During this exercise, I noticed how I was always drawn back to noticing/writing about my feelings in these journal entries... so yeah this gets kind of personal. also for context: I started this exercise on the first day of my self-isolation due to the virus epidemic.
Today I noticed that I am really going to have to say goodbye to all my plans for March and April. This virus thing is getting serious, whilst I'm still unsure if my stepfather isn't exaggerating. I hate the idea of being forced to stay inside. I hate the idea even more because it is finally spring and starting to get really nice outside. Also, the idea of not being able to see my dad for a long period of time is unbearable. My Vienna plans and dreams aren't necessarily cancelled, I know that, but the postponing of them is just as demotivating. The only way I can manage to stay positive is distraction. Finding enough stuff to do during the day so I have no time to actually think too much about the situation. I'll just do that in the night...
Today I noticed how alike my dad and I really are. Recently a co-worker gave me a compliment, that I am really "comfortable" to be around. To me, that was a huge compliment as I always worry that people find me annoying. I am really proud of my filled personality and enjoy being the calm friend in a group. And today I realized, how much of my personality is similar to my dads. He is calm in person. I feel like I've never seen him really angry. This ability to just take things as they are and deal with them, without getting worked up about why they are happening is one of the things I pride myself in.
Today I noticed how much my mood depends on my social contacts. In comparison to yesterday, today was really boring and now at the end of the day, I'm just to feeling great. I think, that this is due to me not talking to any friends today. Yesterday was great and I spent a long time talking to everybody on Houseparty. Maybe the weather also plays a significant role though. I have noticed quite often, that it is just harder to be sad when it's warm and sunny outside. I keep on noticing how much the air has changed and how its really fresh spring air already and that makes me really happy. This quarantine is giving me a lot of time to step back and notice and process my feelings.
Day 4: ( this is a big one)
Today I noticed how hard it is for me to accept a decision I have made for myself. I keep on going back and forth, going over the pros and cons even if I had already decided on something being right or good for me. I feel like I am just a very temporary person as all things I plan took far in the future just scare me. It's incredibly hard for me to think about or deal with situations that I know will happen in the far future. This quarantine situation is really triggering in that sense. Just the idea of staying inside for up to 2 months makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I notice myself slipping back into the motivation and sadness I felt a few weeks/months ago. Slipping back into that mindset also sets me back a lot of steps. I have gone back to questioning whether moving to Vienna is what I should do. I feel like I am still miles away from knowing what I want to do with my life and myself and I really don't like the feeling. This is where my trait of just accepting things/not taking situations too seriously becomes kind of harmful to my mental wellbeing. I just hate this feeling of wasting time, which I currently have constantly. I just want to go out into the world and do new things with people that I love and that accept and appreciate me just like I am. I am so excited about all the challenge of moving out and dealing with everything alone. I want that!
Today I noticed that it is not that hard to create short moments in your life or day that make you feel really good. I took a bath in the dark with only a nice smelling lavender candle. That moment in the bath, being warm and comfortable made me feel amazing. I need those moments to give some balance to the triste and weighed down feeling I have 24/7 currently. Weed really helps with creating this comfortable feeling. I am already reading the day I run out of weed in this isolation.
Today I noticed that it will all be alright and over soon. I had a very optimistic and happy day. I don't remember being noticeably sad at any point. I just hope this mindset of accepting the situation and being excited about what's to come will last a little longer. Especially dressing up for the trip with my dad put me in a great mood. Today I noticed how much fun styling gives me. I love feeling put together in a nice outfit and my hair and makeup done, it really benefits my mental health. I will incorporate this more into my daily routine.
Today I noticed and solidified how ready I am to live alone and how fucking excited I am for it! I was making dinner because I was super hungry and mom didn't feel like doing it. As I stood there deciding on what to make and then making it I just got really happy and excited. Such a simple act of cooking, which is absolutely not a big deal just brought me so much joy. This just initiated a whole stream of daydreaming scenarios of me in my own little apartment. Just cooking, eating, listening to music and being free to do whatever I want and whenever I want to do it. I seriously can't wait and the waiting was undermined with a surprisingly happy emotion today.
Today I noticed what a huge variety of entertainment we have today. Disney + just launched and it's crazy what an amount of stuff is on there. If you compare our definition of entertainment with that from someone living in the 80s - 10s, they would probably not even be able to imagine our situation. But at the same time, I noticed how unable or uninterested I am in spending my time just watching something. That just isn't enough engagement for me. I have to bed doing something that actually requires attention or some action. I really only watch movies or shows to wind down and relax, not to entertain me...
Today I noticed just how different my childhood was/is to that of my brother. We are 9 years apart, making me 18 and him 9. I was just raised so much better to be honest. He is very entitled, as he has just always gotten exactly what he wanted without having to do anything for it. His dad is also super apologetic and feels the need to apologize to my brother after something made him sad. This leads to my brother not realizing, that some things you just have to do even if you dint want to. He also doesn't really understand the idea of dealing with the consequences of your actions. He doesn't apologize and is also not forced to do so. I really am glad about how different I was raised.
+ I thought I already had 10 days but guess it's just nine, I am gonna continue wetting though... definitely. This has really helped me :-)) +