Day one - I Miss Me
Today I noticed I miss doing my own things. I miss making my breakfast and then doing the dishes. I miss making tea for my girlfriend (coffe if we need to work early), and I miss going to work. I miss having dinner and turning on the TV in the evening without a headache from staring at my laptop the last 12 hours.
I'm aware this may sound extemely entitled. With everything going on these days, with thousands of people dying and countries collapsing, I don't have to go to work. I don't have to go out or think about breakfast, lunch or dinner. I have a family that loves me and is providing me with so much during all this, more than I'll probably be able to repay. But this is not what I want. This is not what I missed from home, and not why I left. I miss doing my own things. I miss being me.
Day two - Coffee
Today I noticed how little things can annoying the living shit out of me. After pouring my freshly made coffee in the morning, I noticed some floating colorful transluscent spots on it, probably soap residue from a poorly rinsed cup. The taste of it wasn't affected the slightest, but having the knowledge that those spots were there ruined my getting up ritual for me. Maybe this irritability had more to do with the fact that I'm stuck here for months, and don't really know when I'll be able to go home. Maybe this makes me critique everything here much more eagerly than I'd do otherwise. Maybe that's a natural thing to happen, or maybe I'm just punishing myself for something that's absolutely beyond my control. Or maybe I just like my coffee black.
Day Three - Are You ok?
Today I noticed how easily one can hurt other people. Emotionally I mean, though it's probably not hard physically as well. You can never really know someone else. Not really. You probably can't really even know yourself all that well, so how can you expect to really know other people? To know what they think. To know whay they do things or why they don't. What they expect you to do or what they don't. I know I can't. So instead of trying to guess, of trying to assume what other people want, and act according to that assumption, you can always ask. 'Do you want to talk?', 'Wanna give me a call?', 'Are you ok?'.
Day Four - Today I Broke
Day Five - The same
Today I noticed that organizing your thoughts is much harder than it sounds. If you don't do it, there's a feeling of defeat and nonachievement that lingers through anything else you're doing hhile you're supposed to be doing the one thing you set yourself to do, and if you actually do get around doing it, you're left wondering if that was enough, proper, or even useful. Can a lose-lose battle actually lead to something we yearn? Is this a zero-sum game that just leads you back to where you started, leaving you with this feeling of stillness, that is just creeping deeper and deeper inside you every day? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? And if there is, should you reach for it?