Day 1

Today I noticed that I need more excuses to start writing but I’m still too afraid to share them. I feel like my my style keeps shifting and shaping for the reader, for the eyes that might linger on these pages, and I immediately start to feel like a freud. I’m like Leo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can, or Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley.

Day 2

Today I noticed that it’s always about me. Everything is about me. I need to pay more attention on what’s going on around me. Yes I "noticed" this when I sat in front of my computer to write this down, just to realize that I didn't pay attention to anything to write about today.

I don’t notice the people I see when I’m walking to work in the morning, I don’t notice what my dad is watching in the evening, I don’t notice my neighbors, cats in the hood and god knows what else I’m missing. Perhaps it’s a kind of egoistic behavior but I don’t want to psychoanalyze myself anymore.

So let me start again.

Today, I noticed that the old guy who sells bagels at the park looks like Odin. By Odin, I mean Ian McShane. I haven’t seen Odin in my life, or maybe I did but I didn't pay any attention, I don’t know.

I always envy the people sitting at the cafe, waiting for their breakfasts while I’m rushing to the office. Even more on Saturdays. This can be a reason for me to be a writer. So that I can have breakfast at 8.00am on a weekday at a miserable cafe.

Day 3

Today I noticed that I don’t know the color of the eyes of my loved ones and this really upsets me.

I can remember the exact words he told me to hurt me and I keep repeating them in my head to torture myself. But I have no idea what exact color his eyes are. It it because I avoid eye contact, am I that shy?

Day 4

Today I noticed that I have this raging fire inside me.

Sometimes I can control it and sometimes I can't. But I need to feed it from time to time, keep it alive. Yes, today I want to talk about my rage, my fury and my anger. Which is an unusual case because I’m too afraid to show it off. I still want to write about good things like the cat I saw everyday or the taxi driver I say hello or the guy who offers me free cheese at the shop. But I feel guilty for not expressing my anger. This is also a problem.

Am I dragging myself to melancholy?

Day 5

Today I noticed that (once again) alcohol is not my friend. It’s my fake friend. The kind that smiles at your face and then tries to destroy you afterwards.

Another thing I noticed that, I literally want to sit at a shitty pub or restaurant and order French fries with beer. That would make me feel great somehow. Sitting at a bar, talking for three hours just felt GREAT. Xanax couldn’t come any close. I’m surprised that I always forget this is also a need and it’s crucial for humans to socialize.

Day 6

Today I noticed that I want to be a chair. Not because of any sexual implications but because I just want to sit around all day and watch people come and go. To spy on their silly little stories on how they stalked someone or why did their grandson forgot to call them on holidays. I want the normal problems back. I don’t want everything to be aggressively political.

Day 7

Today I noticed that it’s Sunday evening and I’m sad again. I can’t get over these Sunday blues.

I watched Mike Flanagan’s Midnight Club to give me inspiration but it gave me nightmares instead. Also it was fucking sad. Why was it so sad? As if I need to be more sad.

Spent the whole day at home which gave me nothing "physical" to notice. All I do is cheating and stealing, then call it “inspiration”. But hey, that’s what you call art these days, right?

Today I’m Tom Ripley again, stealing someone else’s life and being so good at faking it. That should also be a talent. There’s a reason it’s called Talented Mr Ripley.

Day 8

Today I noticed that I have venom in my veins. And I have to get rid of it, but it will take time.

All I have to do is wait and not allow any more venom in my veins. Should be easy right? (And no, that venom is not alcohol).

I’m obsessed with Resa Saffa Park now and I’m afraid it might make me melancholic again.

Day 9

Today I noticed that I'm tired of wasting my words and time by complaining so here’s a list of things that I alternatively noticed:

-cats also have eye lashes??

-need to change my contact lenses asap because now my eyes are on fire

-i skipped working out today (again)

-i need to get my drivers license soon

-now I have two favorite cats at the park

-patisserie vibes are cheesy and kitsch and I hate it

-why there are so many tattoo studios around our office? does this mean they’re making a lot of money??

-low wifi gets me nervous uncontrollably

-more hugs needed in my life

-forbidden things seem more attractive but I don’t need to notice this, it’s already a fact

-horror-lovers must be masochists in a way, otherwise wtf

-music is a way (form?) of travel

-when I close my eyes, I don’t see anything

Day 10

Today I noticed that I want to divide myself if I had a superpower.

I want to read all the books I want to read, watch all the films that I want to watch and learn all the languages, theories and stuff that I want to know. That’s how greedy I am when it comes to consuming information and art.

Speaking of art, I’m not sure why I am being such aggressive when it comes to modern art. Is it because I have no talent and I’m jealous of them? My therapist would say so (if I had one).

Today I also noticed that it’s not Friday yet and that also made me upset. The weather is getting warmer each day and it boils my blood to go out and shout “THE HILLS ARE ALIIVEEEE” with joy.

But I have to finish my report first. And then there’s this internal meeting. And the zoom call. And the sun is gone by then. That should be why moon will always be my friend while sun is being capricious.

Beril

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