Exercise #1: Inserting Sensory Detail

Looking Down Upon a Valley I Once Lived

The valley blends together from far away, rooftops barely recognizable from tree tops. The light surfaces on the tallest trees and church towers. I can tell that it's almost winter by the smell and the pervasiveness of night. The breeze grazes across my nose and cheeks. It tightens my skin; I feel young. When I shut my eyes, it takes a moment before the light of the moon and stars fade to black, and I can't resist opening my eyes again. I repeat the process until the crisp air lulls me to sleep.

Exercise #2: Inserting the Unexpected Detail

UnknownWoman

The grass is equally brown and green. It's long, but folded over, cushioning me to the ground. I'm helpless to move, not that I'd want to. I watch the woman in the blue dress walk away from me. Her heavy, triple-layered skirt drags through the grass as if she's walking through water. Atop her head, her hair is tied in buns, and her antlers nearly touch the sky.

Exercise #3:

Looking Down Upon a Valley I Once Lived

The valley blends together from far away, rooftops barely recognizable from tree tops. The light surfaces on the tallest trees and church towers. I can tell that it's almost winter by the smell and the pervasiveness of night. The breeze grazes across my nose and cheeks. It tightens my skin; I feel young. When I shut my eyes, it takes a moment before the light of the moon and stars fade to black, and I can't resist opening my eyes again. I repeat the process until the crisp air lulls me to sleep.

Based on 1a-1c, no descriptors would be cut. I do not find any descriptors particularly compelling so may need a re-write based on 1d.

Unknown Woman

The grass is equally brown and green. It's long, but folded over, cushioning me to the ground. I'm helpless to move, not that I'd want to. I watch the woman in the blue dress walk away from me. Her heavy, triple-layered skirt drags through the grass as if she's walking through water. Atop her head, her hair is tied in buns, and her antlers nearly touch the sky.

Based on 1a-1c, I would consider cutting "blue dress" and "tied in buns", since they are mostly straight forward visual details. Based on 1d, the descriptions involving grass, the skirt moving through water, and the antlers are the most compelling.

Meghan Lawson

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