April 1st, 2021 - Asian Hate, no, Chinese Hate.

Today I noticed this guy who attacked me on the street.

After visiting Joanne and her newly adopted dog, Pepper, I went to Shoppers on my way home. There were not many people in the store; I quickly picked up a bath salt bottle and left after paying at the self-checkout kiosk.

I turned left to heading to home; suddenly, a young man spat on me two times. When I turned to him, I noticed his peeled face, and he was so "happy" that he was successful did what he wanted. He yelled at me, "oh, and I also have COVID from you Chinese; what are you going to do about me then?!"

He was skinny and not very tall. I was in shock, and all I wanted to do is to push him to the ground or spat on him or pour the whole 2L bath salt on him. Out of nowhere, he started laughing. I noticed there was something not okay with him. I did not run away but stared at him, stared at him intensely. Then, he ran away.

After he turned, I saw a piece of paper on his backpack, "I am not bad but just hungry." (ironically)

I went home, took a shower, and called the police to record a hate crime.

April 2nd, 2021 - Stationery Shop

Today I went to a local stationery shop for several new planners.

I am not one for New Year's resolutions. To me, mentally, the new year starts in the spring, the April, maybe because I am Japanese - the new school starts at the cherry blossom season.

This time around, my new year start is all with a new planner. I am a planner person. I have many planners. I have one for work, one for a personal diary, and one for reading notes. So a few days before April or on the first week of April, I often find myself at the little stationery shop in Little Italy.

This little shop has everything I love: shelves full of journals and notebooks from all over the world; fancy fountain pens and low-key fountain pens; fountain pen inks in hundred colours; books for sale; cards in a hundred patterns with envelopes; stamps; calendars; and the most vital icon - a cat. The owner of the shop also owns a big fat orange cat.

Every time I was at the store to pick up my orders, I immediately noticed the shop's smell, like a library or workshop room. It smelled exactly like the library where I work. I am sure it is only me and others; I often stop by a smell that can make me very powerful when I shake my head to clear it. The scent brings back some very particular memories that could shock me and force me to go back to the time. The library I am working at brings me happiness, but the co-workers cannot stop leaving me alone and making things harder and harder for me. I smiled at the memory and decided to get a good planner this year for work. No matter what, I love working at the library.

I had a pile of goodies today: spring cards to friends and families, a planner for work, a diary for personal life, two notebooks for reading and writing, two boxes of fresh pencils, and a new blue colour fountain pen ink.

Before COVID, I would visit a coffee shop nearby and start writing something on the new planner. But, this did not happen this year. I remember last time when I was in the coffee shop with my new planner, the waiter asked me about what brand I got for my planner and asked me how I am going to use it.

...

I am exhausted of the COVID now; Ontario is under another emergency lockdown now. I want to have a cup of coffee at a coffee shop so severely.

April 3rd, 2021 - I wouldn't say I like the balcony

Today I found out I am not a person who likes the balcony.

Spring is here. This morning, I opened all the curtains and let the light slant into the room. In the morning I changed new beddings, for it is the thing I do monthly. This month I picked cream-white and pink to replace the grey and white last month, as it is for the spring season. I smoothed out the white fitted sheet and pulled back the duvets back up, walking around the bed and refolding and trucking the corners. I love my twin bed so much. With curtains open and the morning light coming in, my bed looked neat and inviting. I knew I have a morning and an excellent afternoon to enjoy, but I was also looking forward to going to bed at night.

In the afternoon, Joanne invited me to a walk with her and her dog, Pepper. We walked to the public library, which branches on the College and Huron Street. Spring walks are quick walks; I make my way quickly as I chase the cool breeze passing by. Past Huron Street, we noticed a newly build apartment building besides the library. I stood for a bit to admire the building and its location -- it is so close to work. I felt a growing warmth in my belly and chest from the walk and also the building, then I said to Joanne, "what a good location this building at."

Joanne observed the building with me, "but there is no balcony."

Without overthinking, "I don't like the balcony."

"What?! Don't you? How strange!"

"No, I don't like the balcony. The balcony makes my room dusty, and I never even stay on the balcony," answered me. "Also, some of my neighbours are smoking weeds on the balconies all the time, and I can smell everything. I would be more appreciative if they can do it privately."

"Ah, I see."

I hope there will be no balcony in the next apartment I rent, and I want it with industrial-style walls.

Nothing much happened today; so far, I found out that I wouldn't say I am fond of balconies.

April 4th, 2021 - Clear and Bright

Today, Clear and Bright, 清明。

Based on Beijing's traditions, we don't eat hot and warm food one day before and one day after the day of Clear and Bright. So, I ordered sushi and has salad for lunch and dinner.

I went for a long walk this afternoon before sunset. On the way, I was scanning the condo buildings around and imagining myself living inside. The long walk has made me hungry, and I was already thinking the way through the fridge and mentally setting the table. I enjoy so much the daily walks I did these days; I have been noticed nature more.

I suppose the winter was over, the sun was out, and there will be more rain. There will help so much to enjoy during the spring. What do I want to do in April and May?

I want to buy some roses for myself. Oh, I love rose.

I want to go to a spa. No… We are experiencing the third wave here in Toronto.

I want to go to grad school. Hehe, who knows. It doesn't depend on me.

I want to read more.

I want to jog more.

I want to be alive.

Today is the day we remember and appreciate those people who passed away.

The spring rain is warm but dump, this meaning as I woke up found the grey clouds cover the rain's sound the city.

A little red bird was cropping at my balcony this morning. It was raining hard this morning; I suppose this bird was happening to land on my balcony away from the rain. The chirp sounded short and quick but rhythmic and beautiful. The little bird was there and signing for more than five minutes; this sudden visitor was such a gift for the Sunday morning.

I love Sundays. For having a day, I have the choice to do nothing.

On Sundays, I usually read and write, and I have no other plan. I don't socialize on Sundays. Because my Sundays are the day, I spend time with myself to learn about myself.

"Getting up from the bed is hard, so hard to reconcile the world that they lived in."

Besides reading, I also watched the movie Father today, which starred Olivia Colman and Anthony Hopkins. Father is a story about men refuses all assistance from his daughter as he ages. But with his illness -- Alzheriner, he is trapped in time and space. Most of the time, he cannot recognize the people around him and the room he lived in.

I suppose that I have to watch this movie to understand the disease better, because maybe one day, one of my parents will live like this father. And I should get ready very soon.

However, I also realize that no matter how hard I try to prepare or how early I can start, it can be useless.

I can only try my best, as I am trying my best every day to be alive.

April 5th, 2021 - Notions I love

Today I noticed how much I care about the scent. And I also realized I would never have a dog.

What scent do I like the most?

I like sandalwood, rose, and citrus is my favourite—Rose for the summer, citrus for the winter, and sandalwood for the spring and fall.

I had cleaned my room six times after having a neighbour wash her dod in my shower, the wet-dog odour stayed. As people can tell, I am pissed.

I hope I can have a cat one day, but I am worried about the odour too.

For forgetting the odour in my tiny room, I listed many things I like on a paper:

I like roses.

I like books.

I like to read.

I like both coffee and tea.

I like bookshops.

I like libraries.

I like to walk.

I like chocolate.

I like rose, tree, citrus, and sandalwood scent.

I like full-length dresses.

I like stationaries.

I like to write.

I like English and Japanese.

I like cats.

I like ARASHI.

I like to watch shows.

I like to write to friends.

April 6th, 2021 - We, can be better, or we can do better

The day was bright and warm. I woke up late and felt the stomach was upset. I had too much beer and spicy food last night. I woke up with a stomachache and made myself a scallop soup with green onion. I lighted the candle for the morning. But had no motivation to go out at all.

It was hot outside, for knowing that the end of April usually goes crazy cold again, I decided to go for a walk. I went to pick up two paints at the tailor shop first, then went to the public library to pick up the books on hold second.

From the lesson on Thursday, I learned that I did not buddle up with jackets and other winter clothing. I only picked a pair of jeans and a sweater. It was hot outside.

On the way walking, Lisa started texting me about her day off. Youtube this morning randomly pushed me a video that Nikkei National Museum made, which Lisa was feathered in the video and talking about an archive collection. I sent it to her, and we both laughed about how Google knows too much about us. I sent her many photos of the flowers I saw with CN Tower in the background on my way home.

Lisa told me how much she missed Toronto and how much she hated the COVID that stopped her from visiting her family in Toronto. But, all those beautiful flowers gave her hopes.

Will the world be better or not? I have no answer to it; however, I know we can be better. Sometimes is not about how the outside changes; it is all about how we change and how we handle problems and hardships.

The world won't be better, but we can always learn to be better and more like humans.

April 7th, 2021 - Bad jokes

I have been constantly ignored by people during the staff meetings. Because I cannot think of any reasons here, I knew I did nothing wrong.

See, I am still too native. I just always believe that people are excellent in the libraries. Oh well. Nothing I can do to help them. They need to learn. And I need to just enjoy my life.

Some people talked about how much they miss how people could make bad jokes to others. Then, here is my question:

Is an old lousy joke is less severe because time passed? Is it less wrong? What are they trying to say about missing those old days? Are they missing those old days that people can make racist, homophobic jokes?

I don't think it is all about being politically correct. I think it is about simply being a better human -- to see others without labels and stereotypes. It turns out, this is the hardest thing to do.

Or, let's see this from a different perspective: one of the ways to fight racism and discrimination and mico-aggression is to make them visible. The more these people are on the surface, the more people will be brought out. So, I should let them talk, just for now.

And collect the evidence.

Ugh, I hope one day someone at work can do a presentation on redefining "professionalism" to encompass inclusivity and kindness instead of white supremacy and niceness. Being fake-nice is the worst. I mean it.

April 8th, 2021 - Running away is embarrassed, but it works.

I always want to run away from issues and problems when I have no solutions to them. I hate dramas; I hate human beings in general. I guess this is why I work in a library, between humans and books, I choose books. Sometimes, it is embarrassed for a grow-up to run away from the issues, but sometimes running away works. Honestly, it works but only just temporarily.

The grad school I applied to rejected me today. They sent me an email with an official rejection letter. I emailed them back within two hours and asked about the reason why they leave me. The admission office replied within a day, shockingly. And it was all about the GPA.

I only messaged Heidi and Lisa about the result. Heidi said she was very disappointed about the school's decision because I had a powerful letter of interest. She encouraged me to apply for it again next year. Or, maybe really apply for a program that I want to study with.

Lisa messaged me a day after; she told me that she didn't get into school the first time I tried nor the second time (she was wait-listed). She had to go back and take extra courses to bump her GPA, and it sucks, but she decided to carve out time to study something she really wanted to explore. She hoped I find some space for myself too. Lisa knows that there is something I wish to do for a very long time. But I never take the actions because I always assume that I am not good enough.

So, maybe now is the time that I really take the time to learn the skill to do the thing I want to do the most.

I might run away from human dramas, but I won't run away from my passion anymore.

Let us see how far I shall go this time.

April 9th, 2021 - Bread

I like bread.

Bread is soft, white, and soft. I love how the sweetness comes out while I am chewing it in my mouth.

I often go for a long walk on Saturday morning and then go to an Asian-style bakery to get five or six items of bread, especially cream bread.

Today is Friday, but because I didn't have much to do this afternoon, I went for a walk and passed by a bakery. I got cream bread and ice coffee. The cream bread looks like a Hot Dog; instead of the sausage, there is cream in the middle.

Cream bread is my mom's favourite; I think I just miss her a lot, so I start eating the bread she likes. I spend some time at a part after work today. The sky is blue, the park is crowded, the CN Tower is tall, the bread is so good, and I am tired like a sh*t.

Work did not go very well. It is not good to learn that your co-workers somehow don't like you for no reason. All I can do is nothing. Honestly, it is not my problem.

I am going to watch animes this weekend.

April 10th, 2021 - Not Today

The Notions Sanpo Mugimoto Loves by Yoru Sumino

Before reading this book, I read about how other readers were touched, moved, and cried after reading this book on Twitter. I was puzzled - how come a daily-life novel can make someone so emotional?

I finished the book today.

In the last chapter, I was sitting on the floor, crying too hard to even stand up.

page 287-288:

"Sanpo is thinking about the day ahead of her.

She wonders whether she can make any mistake and no co-worker will be mad at her the whole day at work.

Later, she is excited to breathe in the fresh air in the morning at the library.

She is excited about what to eat for lunch.

She is excited to see other senior co-worker's elegant way of using chopsticks even when they are mad at her.

She is excited about what to eat for dinner.

She is excited to get a pudding and eat it tonight.

She then realizes her favourite artist will be at the Music Station (a Japanese Friday night TV show), so she is looking forward to watching it tonight.

With all those notions running in her head, she forgets all the unwillingness of going to work she had this morning. Because she realizes there are so many small but interesting things to look forward to in an ordinary day."

I suppose I should be alive a little longer and enjoy the daily a little bit more. Because maybe some tiny and good things will happen to me one day if I am still alive.

Not today, I told myself, not today, not today, Cordelia. We can have one more day, or maybe two more.

Breath. Breath. Breath.

My love for books is endless. There is so much to explore in the thousands of pages printed every day.

The book is comforting. Meeting a good book that speaks your heart out is a piece of luck.

"Sanpo Mugimoto's life goes on." The same to Cordelia's life.

Be alive. Live well, sleep well, and eat well.

C S

Goal - become a literary translator!

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